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To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

(179 Posts)
Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 06:50:44

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.


TheSerenDipitY Tue 23-Apr-19 07:51:50

just go out and say to mother in law, oh mother in law, would it be ok if you gave me a text a few mins before you arrive as today i was napping on the couch and i was just in my smalls, i dont want to embarrass you or father in law if you catch sight of me dressed like that or running up the stairs half dressed with my bum hanging out of my knickers :O

Jessbow Tue 23-Apr-19 07:52:22

If you know they are likely to pop round at any given time and dont like to be seen in your knickers, dont lay about in your knickers is the easiest solution

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 07:52:55

Hang on- you say they usually do say they are coming but this time they forgot? So this “breach of privacy” is a one off?

stucknoue Tue 23-Apr-19 07:53:05

Solutions include curtains, shorts for impromptu naps and a blanket/sheet. You are very lucky, don't blow it out of proportion

Insertinspirationalquotehere Tue 23-Apr-19 07:54:37

Just put blinds up and lock the door. If they say they knocked, say you were having a nap and didn't hear

Millie2018 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:59:05

My in-laws have a key for when we are away. I didn’t realise how often they used it until I went on MAT leave. One time in particular I was napping in the lounge with DD and heard footsteps in the hallway. I almost shat myself thinking it was a burglar. Turned out to be FIL ‘dropping off a few things’. I said why didn’t you ring the bell? He said he didn’t want to ring the bell in case we were asleep and he didn’t want to peer through the window in case I was breastfeeding.
I asked him to message in advance there and then and he has since.

isabellerossignol Tue 23-Apr-19 08:00:23

Yes I know that. It was an observation.

Sorry, I misunderstood your post. I thought you were being sarcastic and were saying that you thought it was ridiculous to say that someone wasn't standing on their own two feet just because they get financial help from their parents. Which is why I was confused.


oblada Tue 23-Apr-19 08:03:35

Loads of solutions here - curtains/voiles, wearing shorts, moving out, taking responsibility for the garden (have you even offered?). But complaining for a one off unannounced walk in the garden by in laws who own that garden - no.

TrickyD Tue 23-Apr-19 08:05:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kennehora Tue 23-Apr-19 08:07:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluorescentorange Tue 23-Apr-19 08:08:45

I would just let this one go to be honest. They are trying to maintain a property they own, as you and your DH don't seem to want to. It is important not to let a garden run wild. If you have an issue with them seeing you in your pants and t shirt, then get some curtains. But really, if you were naked I would see that could be a bit embarrassing, but you were dressed, I doubt they are even looking in your windows, they seem very kind and respectful, as I assume they didn't waltz into your home and make themselves a cuppa. I think you are just feeling a bit tired and you maybe need to take another nap.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 08:10:35

It’s not a kind act. It’s perfectly possible and sometimes reasonable to resent “kind acts”!. It is people doing the gardening in their own garden. Presumably to maintain their property as they want it to be maintained.

EvaHarknessRose Tue 23-Apr-19 08:12:12

I think the dilemma is, if you know they are visiting, you would have to go talk to them, offer coffee etc.

Why not get a sensor for the path to let you know?

But actually I would cultivate a good relationship here, not sour it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 23-Apr-19 08:14:19

Curtains. Sorted.

NoSauce Tue 23-Apr-19 08:15:43

I don’t even know what the fuss is if I’m honest. They usually let you know they’re coming round. For whatever reason they didn’t this time. If you’re worried about privacy put voile up.

Did they come in the house OP? Did they actually see you?

Flaverings Tue 23-Apr-19 08:16:55

Why don’t you just pay for your own housing? Then you wouldn’t have this problem.

acomingin Tue 23-Apr-19 08:18:30

If they are doing the garden because you and DH can't be arsed and you are paying no rent I think you need to suck it up or move somewhere else and pay your own bills.

Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:21

Thanks for all your advice!
I just want to point out we are NOT ungrateful and as PP may have neglected to see, we DID offer to do the garden but they insist on doing so!
And about being financially dependent on them- thats absolutely not the case! We do have our own money and could rent something but DH is currently doing a very expensive study besides working fulltime in a steady job, study will become useful in the future to have a better chance of getting a high paid job. Moving out would mean he would have to quit his study. Honestly speaking, some comments suggesting we are irresponsable, financially unstable etc are quite insulting as none of you knows the whole story and therefor should not judge. We have no debts and are working hard to ensure a better future for ourselves and baby.

I will have a talk with DH about the best solution.

NoSauce Tue 23-Apr-19 08:20:45

Did they come in the house and see you in your pants though? grin

ineedaholidaynow Tue 23-Apr-19 08:21:07

If anything needs doing in the house maintenance wise, do you do it or do they?

Are you planning to get your own place anytime soon?

Acis Tue 23-Apr-19 08:21:26

According to your original post, this was a one-off and they normally do let you know they’re coming round. So wanting to complain and instantly starting to worry about them descending without warning after the baby’s born is a huge over-reaction. Just put some nets up.

MrsCollinssettled Tue 23-Apr-19 08:23:41

They're providing you with a free home, on your own, maintaining it for you, respecting your privacy (not coming into the house unannounced) and you don't even make them a drink by the sounds of it hmm

Nap upstairs or with a sheet/blanket downstairs. And give your head a wobble while you're at it.

Tinkobell Tue 23-Apr-19 08:32:10

Just say that you're easily startled by people suddenly popping up by the windows ....can they quickly text before setting off next time, you might end up dropping the baby!
I do think given rent free living that you're getting that you seem to want everyone dancing to your tune. Honestly if you want stuff more on your terms stick up curtains and pay rent.

Dirtyjellycat Tue 23-Apr-19 08:32:20

You said in you OP,
‘Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden.’

This implies that they do the gardening because you don’t want to, but you contradict this later on. It sounds like they don’t trust you to do it - I’m not criticising them or you with that statement, but this is why I suggested getting a gardener.

However, if they don’t want to do this and prefer to do it themselves, the only option is that you speak to them about this. Just be honest and say that you would appreciate it if they let you know when they are coming in case you’re lying on the sofa in your knickers, breastfeeding etc. I think most reasonable people would understand this. If they don’t, or won’t do this, you really do need blinds or voiles as people suggest. It might they their house, but you still have a right to some privacy.

Osirus Tue 23-Apr-19 08:38:19

You have it easy at the moment OP, I really wouldn’t rock the boat. You don’t even know if they saw you, and even if they did I’m sure they didn’t stare and point.

It’s not like they are entering the house and traipsing through. It sounds like they do respect your privacy. You could upset them by saying anything.

My house is similar as everyone comes to our back door, rather than the front. It’s been this way for years, and I just don’t take the chance of being seen half dressed.

Stay dressed or nap upstairs.

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