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Dps mum told me way too much help

(17 Posts)
Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 06:13:14

I've been feeling anxious ever since we had a heart to heart on bank holiday sunday.

She told me that her relationship with dps dad was full of violent rows, that he stayed out and didn't come home (implied infidelity I thought but not sure), that she cried all the time.. She told me that her son would never have noticed as she always kept it from him. She told me never to say anything to dp. Which of course I wouldn't . They get on fine now apart from I notice do dad snaps in what sounds like a horrible way to me but noone mentions it.

Dp says he had a happy childhood. I can't believe he would think this and actually it sounds horrible and abusive to me.

I had an abusive marriage and want to steer clear of any warning signs. Dp has been nothing but lovely to me so far I should add.

Should I just forget what she said? I don't know how to make sense of it.

KataraJean Tue 23-Apr-19 06:26:06

That is a difficult burden to carry. I can see why it has caused you anxiety. Does she know about your past experiences?

If you get the chance, I would probably ask her why she wanted to tell you, and has she ever spoken to anyone about it? What did she actually want from telling you, if she does not want her son to know?

I would tell her that Women’s Aid can also offer counselling to women who do not wish to leave, but they can support her if they do. That is as much as you can do, I think.

In terms of DP, I grew up in a lot of conflict and in retrospect, a fairly abusive situation. It took me a long time to be able to remember the bits which did not fit with the ‘good childhood’ narrative. My sister would tell me things which had happened and I had completely forgotten. I remembered when she told me. So the two positions of his DM and him are not incompatible, the question is whether you want to be the one in the middle.

strawberrisc Tue 23-Apr-19 06:40:22

I hate being in this situation. My SIL told me a huge family secret over a late night drink and told me not to tell her brother. I spent years wishing she’d kept her gob shut. I couldn’t betray her trust yet now I had a secret from my partner.

One of my best friends told me that our other friend’s ex has just had a baby. I said we should tell our friend (we’re exceptionally close) before she finds out on FB or even worse by bumping into him but she said “no”. So I can’t betray her yet I feel disloyal to my dear friend.

I have no advice for you but I urge anybody else not to put people in this position. It’s horrible.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Tue 23-Apr-19 06:40:44

Agree with pp.
Steer her towards women’s aid. Her husband may still be being abusive, despite what she says.
Let her deal with her domestic situation with some professional help.
I would tell your DP. He’s an adult; this is his mum.
I can understand why mil wanted you to keep it secret, because t she can’t go on protecting her son forever.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 06:45:40

“I have no advice for you but I urge anybody else not to put people in this position. It’s horrible.”

This is awful advice. If you are in an abusive relationship tell someone if you can. Seek help from Woman’s Aid. Google the Freedom Programme. But tell people. Yes, it can be difficult for the person you tell, but they will cope, and it might save your life.

crispysausagerolls Tue 23-Apr-19 06:45:58

I would not feel comfortable keeping this from DH and I would tell her so. She’s put you in an extremely difficult position. Her situation is devastating but I don’t understand what she wants from her - is she secretly hoping you tell DH? Why else tell you?!

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 06:47:43

And if someone confides in you about abuse, do not break that confidence without at least talking to them about it first. Don’t take even more agency away from the person.

LouLou789 Tue 23-Apr-19 06:50:35

I think you need to talk with her again and say you’ve been thinking about the situ and wonder why she wanted to keep it from you DP. He won’t be oblivious to it, no matter what he says. We know how sensitive children are to atmospheres, even if nothing was witnessed/overheard, and I bet it was. He’ll have blocked it out; kids keep themselves safe when they can’t assimilate things.
Encourage your MIL to get some counselling to reconcile this. As PP said, it may still be going on

SoyDora Tue 23-Apr-19 06:57:56

I hate being in this situation. My SIL told me a huge family secret over a late night drink and told me not to tell her brother. I spent years wishing she’d kept her gob shut. I couldn’t betray her trust yet now I had a secret from my partner

I checked to see if I’d written this as I’m in exactly the same situation, awful isn’t it?

HennyPennyHorror Tue 23-Apr-19 07:01:49

How long have you been with DP? Why haven't you said anything to him about the way his Father speaks...the snapping I mean? I think there's FAR too much politeness with this sort of thing.

A friend of mine's husband spoke badly to her and the first time I saw it I was taken aback. Everyone...other friends...acted as though nothing was wrong.

The third time I witnessed it I called him out immediately. That was the start of their having marriage counselling. People need to speak up when abusers do this.

Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 07:05:23

Thanks all. The other day after a night out she woke up with a bruise on her face - 'hit the headboard in the night' . makes me feel sick to the stomach tbh. Dp seems totally oblivious.

Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 07:06:17

Yes I should have called him out on it. I will in future.

Squeegle Tue 23-Apr-19 07:08:19

That is terrible, she does need help, definitely urge her to talk to women’s aid, and urge her to share with your DP. He would hate to be excluded from this, he needs to be able to help his mum.

Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 07:09:03

Also I don't I don't keep it a secret to why I left, particularly. I say quite openly that he treated me appallingly and I left after years of it.
She started off confiding cause she said well my marriage wasn't too different from yours... And went on from there.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 07:09:41

Sulie- before you do anything else, can I suggest you have a look at The Freedom Programme online? I think it will be helpful to you in planning what you do next.

Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 07:11:16

She kept saying how it was all fine now and all's well that ends well and the kids never knew.... I agee with pp i bet they do know on some level.

Suliemantra Tue 23-Apr-19 07:12:34

I've done the freedom programme and dp is still in the careful vetting process! He has only been lovely to me , I couldn't fault him but I know it can take time for these things to become apparent

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