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AIBU?

Ex and his new gf sleep in same bed as DS!!

90 replies

FumingMamma · 22/04/2019 11:39

Hi all,

I posted here before about my ex having a new gf but still hasn't told me about her. He split 2 years ago and it was my decision and we have a 4 year old son that he has every other weekend.

I've just found out that not only has he still not mentioned her to me but my son has in fact met her several times and they all sleep in daddy's bed.

AIBU to be absolutely livid???

He has no respect for me to give me a heads up and say by the way I have a new gf and I'd like to introduce them. He's left our 4 year old tell me.

I don't know this woman, all I know is that she's about 21 years old and lives with her parents.

Before anyone says anything I completely understand he has a new gf, that's fine he was extremely abusive to me during our relationship so she is welcome to him, but after a while I thought he might have told me in case I found out elsewhere?
And he definitely should have told me before introducing my son to her, let alone have them all sleep in the same bed.

What should i do?? I've told him to come over tomorrow night to discuss something important but he doesn't know what, or rather he doesn't know that I know.

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ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 22/04/2019 11:43

If you’ve been seperated two years I wouldn’t expect him to tell you he has a new gf. If you are civil it’s nice of him to.
The sleeping in the same bed thing, do you sleep in the same bed as your son? Of course you would.
I love my step daughters and if they are sick, or had a bad dream or even just feel like a movie night they snuggle in bed with me and sometimes fall asleep. Nothing weird about it at all. We are family x

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PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/04/2019 11:45

I understand why you are pissed off - but he's not doing anything immoral or illegal.

You also have no right to know about his personal relationship, I agree it would be a courtesy to tell you.

what should I do Nothing you can do. That's the bottom line Im afraid.

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FumingMamma · 22/04/2019 11:45

I wouldn't sleep in the bed with my son with my new boyfriend though. My son has only met her a handful of times, and if the shoe were on the other foot there would be hell to play.

To be clear I understand he doesn't have to tell me about her, but when he starts involving our son I feel like I should be given a heads up as we have always had an amicable relationship since separating.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/04/2019 11:48

There's nothing you can do about this. He doesn't have to tell you about her and you can't control what he does with his son on his contact time. It might not be what you'd do, but plenty of people do, and he is.

I'd cancel the meeting tomorrow night. You're not going to achieve anything.

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MardyMavis · 22/04/2019 11:48

Fuck that don't let him go there till it stops,

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SoHotADragonRetired · 22/04/2019 11:49

You can politely say you'd like to have been informed but that's it. All sharing the bed is the norm in many countries and doesn't pose an inherent risk to you son. Bottom line, unless it actively endangers your child it's not your business what he does now.

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GunpowderGelatine · 22/04/2019 11:49

She must know his son has a mother how can he not have mentioned you?!

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PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/04/2019 11:52

@Gunpowder - wrong end of the sick there, he hasn't mentioned the GF to the OP

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/04/2019 11:53

There's lots of what you think "should" have happened but you've been separated for two years and it's up to him how he spends his contact weekends and who with.

Is your son uncomfortable with the bed sharing? If he got into bed after a nightmare or for a snuggle in the morning should the girlfriend have been chucked out?

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BastianBux · 22/04/2019 11:59

You are both parents. Of course he should tell you if he has a new partner that will be around your kid. The same as you should tell him.

I think it's weird (the cuddling in bed with new girlfriend) because it's not like you don't exist or aren't involved. I mean, there are step-parents in our family who take on every role of a bio parent, but usually that's when the bio parent isn't involved.

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FumingMamma · 22/04/2019 12:03

I've said several times now that I get he has a new gf and yes, what he chooses to do when he has my son is up to him as long as it doesn't put my son in danger.

That isn't the issue.

The issue is that he hasn't had the balls to tell me about her and has left my 4 year old to do it, and I don't know this person yet she's sharing a bed with my son??

Like I said if it were the other way around and he found out my new boyfriend and I were inviting my son to snuggle in bed he would hit the roof.

Im not cancelling tomorrow evening because I feel, personally, that I should have been told by him and not a 4 year old. And he needs to know how disrespectful it is, in my opinion.

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HopefulAgain10 · 22/04/2019 12:05

Yanbu. I highly doubt it would be ok if it was the other way around! Or if you had a daughter sleeping in the same bed as your new boyfriend

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MrMakersFartyParty · 22/04/2019 12:14

Just because the norm in the UK is to have step parents, doesn't mean that it's actually acceptable for a random person to be in bed with a child.

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BastianBux · 22/04/2019 12:15

The issue is that he hasn't had the balls to tell me about her and has left my 4 year old to do it, and I don't know this person yet she's sharing a bed with my son??

YANBU. I think it's very weird to have someone involved so heavily in DC's lives, yet nobody mentions it.

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julensaor · 22/04/2019 12:17

YANBU, he should have given you due respect and told you. It is very immature of him. Stick to your guns and tell him so in a calm manner. It is your business if your son is put to bed with a stranger.

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Herland · 22/04/2019 12:19

I wouldn't be happy with my child sharing a bed with a virtual stranger either to be honest op. However, if you trust him as a Dad and he normally makes sound parenting decisions then I would be inclined to trust him with this too.

The most important person here is your son and you should chat to him about how he feels about this. Do it in a happy relaxed way and don't put words into his mouth or show him that you are angry. You don't want to transfer any of your negative feelings on to him. You can ask him to draw a picture of them and chat to him about his feelings. It shouldn't be an interrogation ABOUT the new girlfriend but a gentle exploration of how he feels.

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Ghanagirl · 22/04/2019 12:22

@FumingMamma
I think Mumsnet can be really weird at times this would definitely bother me.
It’s statistically very unlikely anything untoward will happen but as his parents you should both be aware of a new partner as this person will possibly be alone with your little one.
Imagine if it was a girl sleeping with mummy’s new boyfriend I’m sure the responses would be different.

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Herland · 22/04/2019 12:23

And he needs to know how disrespectful it is, in my opinion.

The thing is though OP is that it doesn't actually matter if you feel he has been disrespectful to you. He doesn't power you respect and it will eat you up to expect it from someone who has not shown you respect in the past.

All that actually matters now is how he treats his child. My only concern would be if he had actively asked your child to keep it a secret. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

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expatinspain · 22/04/2019 12:23

I wonder what the responses would be if it had been a young girl sharing a bed with mums new boyfriend? It isn't appropriate. She isn't his step mum, she's his dad's new girlfriend. He should have a bed for himself or sleep with his dad. What would his dad say if the shoe was on the other foot and you had him in bed with you and your new boyfriend? Plenty, I expect!

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TheFastandCurious · 22/04/2019 12:24

You are being unreasonable about him having the courtesy to tell you. It may have been nice of him but you shouldn’t expect it or feel entitled to courtesy from an abusive man.

However YANBU at ALL about the sleeping in the same bed business. That’s completely inappropriate in my opinion and some random girlfriend or boyfriend of a parent should not be sharing a bed with someone else’s kid.

I can’t believe how many posters would be ok with that to be honest.

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Herland · 22/04/2019 12:24

That should read "he doesn't owe you respect"

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Ghanagirl · 22/04/2019 12:26

Also how many new partners will he cosleep with.

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Mememeplease · 22/04/2019 12:27

This would bother me.
I know someone who actually regularly had sex in that situation, when the child was "asleep" and didn't understand why we were angry with him.

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Herland · 22/04/2019 12:28

I honestly would be a bit upset at first, but I absolutely trust my kids dad. He is an amazing dad and would do nothing to put them at risk. If he risk assessed the situation fully then I would just need to deal with it.

The worst part for me would be dealing with the fact that my child is snuggling up to another woman. But that's my issue not theirs.

I would also have concerns about the longevity of the relationship and allowing my child to bond so closely with someone who might not be around for long, but again I would trust MY kids dad to have thought about not this too.

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Herland · 22/04/2019 12:30

@Memeplease but that accusation/possibility could be levelled at all families who co-sleep. Does it mean that all co-sleeping should be banned because some people have done this?

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