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Sacked as a bridesmaid

(189 Posts)
rainbowsprinkle Mon 22-Apr-19 10:58:20

So last week my SIL sacked me as. bridesmaid and I genuinely don't know whether IABU or her.

Just for context, I am a student and she is several years older than me and has lived with her fiancé for about six years. We were all delighted when he proposed last autumn because it's something she's wanted, and has made clear she's wanted, for a long time.

Anyway, there was an initial problem because she'd asked some family members to be bridesmaids (before the proposal) and changed her mind, leaving them pretty cross. As a consolation she told them that they could go wedding dress shopping with her, but on the week of the day said they couldn't come because there wasn't enough room in the taxi.

So - already some bad feeling in the family, but I was pleased to be asked and looking forward to it.

Even though the wedding was two years away I was asked to pay £60 for hair, £70 for make-up and £40 for specific coloured shoes. I said I would pay for hair and shoes but that I would do my make up myself. I'm good at it, and could definitely have done the make up she wanted, but she was cross about it (i should say that she's buying the dresses, which are £20 each).

Then a chat was set up to discuss the hen do. I won't have a car or an income, so said I would travel up to 90 mins (my mum would take me) and pay up to £150. Was this mean do you think? It felt in keeping with what everyone else was saying, and we found lovely properties that fit the bill. In the end, the bride chose something much further away. Those of us without transport were worried, so told her we would struggle to attend. She said she would do a meal for those of us who couldn't go, which was fine.

The last straw was finding out that she had been very critical and unkind about the fact that me and my bf got engaged. She had phoned and FaceTimed people to say that we had taken the shine off her wedding, had stolen her thunder, that it was her time to shine etc.

I contacted her to say that I'd heard about this and that we should clear the air, but instead I was sacked. I'm not worried about that really - in many ways it's a relief tbh - but if IABU then I need to apologise, because I always do if I'm wrong.

Again, for context, I didn't know that my bf was going to propose, it was a surprise. We've been together three years, so it felt right. We haven't set a date yet, so I don't think we've stolen her thunder and our wedding will definitely be after hers. I suppose that I have been talking about wedding stuff, because I'm excited, but imagined that we'd be able to talk about things together. She lives an hour away while we live in the same town as both of our families, so people have been taking an interest and asking lots of questions.

So in her last message she said that I had taken the attention away from her, that I had obstructed everything she'd planned, that I hadn't offered to help (I genuinely didn't know that she would need any help yet, absolutely expected to be helping with invitations and favours and things nearer the time).

So, I'm a lot younger than the other bridesmaids and feel that, if I've genuinely behaved badly or done something wrong, I need to make it right. So, AIBU?

Bayleyf Mon 22-Apr-19 11:00:09

It all sounds very high stress. I'd just back away for a bit.

MoreSlidingDoors Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:25

She sounds utterly selfish. She’s fine you a favour.

MoreSlidingDoors Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:32


scaryteacher Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:48

She is a bridezilla, and YANBU. You have nothing to apologise for.

s0ckswithsandals Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:48

She sounds like a bridezilla. I don't get people like this, her wedding isn't for two years and she's expecting the next two years to be all about her. I just have this image of a fully grown woman having a stomping tantrum screaming ITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Take a step back enjoy your engagement consider yourself lucky you're no longer a bridesmaid the others are in for a long painful ride from the sounds of it.

Xyzzzzz Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:57

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. People get engaged all the time! She’s just precious and sounds like she will be a bridezilla. You’re best not being a bridesmaid imo. Just smile and nod whenever she says something about the wedding and remain civil.

Bambamber Mon 22-Apr-19 11:03:11

You've done absolutely nothing wrong from what you've said

Twickerhun Mon 22-Apr-19 11:03:58

As you’ve described it I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Maybe you both have different expectations about how things should be done but I don’t think you’ve pitched things wrong

DisplayPurposesOnly Mon 22-Apr-19 11:04:51

Your sister in law is bloody hard work!

Just apologise ONCE that you being a bridesmaid hasn't worked out. Just once and just for the sake of family harmony. Do not over apologise!

It's totally ridiculous to think no-one else can get engaged whilst she's planning her wedding.

Bettyspants Mon 22-Apr-19 11:05:26

Back off OP, she's absolutely ridiculous. I would not have anything more to do with her wedding, you'll end up feeling rubbish at a time you should be delighted!

Moomoomoomoomoo Mon 22-Apr-19 11:06:32

She sounds like a bridezilla and a fucking nightmare. Believe me, it ain’t you.

IHateUncleJamie Mon 22-Apr-19 11:06:39

What do you think you’ve done wrong and why do you need to apologise?

Being on a budget and saying you will do your own makeup - perfectly reasonable.
Having a budget of £150 and 90 mins away for hen night - perfectly reasonable.
Accepting your BF’s surprise proposal when SIL’s wedding is 2 years away - perfectly reasonable.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound as if you’ve done anything wrong. confused

I’d be inclined to say “Fine; your wedding, your choice, but I expect my money for hair and shoes (and anything else you’ve paid for) returned to me, please.”

Don’t get involved in any arguments; she sounds a bit bridezilla-ish tbh so you’re well out of it. Just keep repeating the phrase above.

endofthelinefinally Mon 22-Apr-19 11:06:56

She sounds awful, TBH.
Step away, you have no need to apologise for anything.

LadyDaenaera Mon 22-Apr-19 11:08:09

She sounds like hard work tbh.

If she'd been waiting on a proposal for ages perhaps she was jealous that your bf proposed spontaneously?

Also, I think usual etiquette is that the bride pays for hair, make up and shoes if she's got special requests.

Pretty bad to make people feel shit for not having enough cash to celebrate in the way she wants them to IMO.

Sounds like you're not the only person she's pissed off, and you probably won't be the last. Is she banging on about it being her 'special day' already? People are going to get really sick of that. No wonder they're more interested in yours!

And with that said, how dare you get engaged and steal her thunder? Didn't you realise that nobody in Europe can get engaged until she's married? What a bridezilla. You're best off out of it!

catzrulz Mon 22-Apr-19 11:08:28

You've done nothing wrong. In fact I'd say you've had a lucky escape being sacked.
Enjoy planning for your wedding without Bridezilla giving you grief.

converseandjeans Mon 22-Apr-19 11:08:40

I reckon you've had a lucky escape! She sounds like a nightmare. £70 for make-up?!

ahtellthee Mon 22-Apr-19 11:11:05

As others have said, she sounds like incredibly hard work and an utter bridezilla.

I would take this as a lucky escape.

Congratulations on your engagement!

Ps: get married whenever you want, you don't need to wait two years so that you don't get married first. That's crazy. Obvious avoid the months either side of her wedding but apart from that, it's fine.

CardsforKittens Mon 22-Apr-19 11:12:44

You’ve dodged a bullet! You have nothing to apologise for, and if you try to apologise it will extend the drama. Let her get her zilla on with other people - she’s clearly going to make everything difficult so steer well clear.

LagunaBubbles Mon 22-Apr-19 11:12:57

You've really had a lucky escape, I can.only imagine how bad this farce would have got nearer the wedding.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 22-Apr-19 11:13:33

The dresses were only £20 yet the make up was £70 ?

How is she your SIL - fiances sister ? Or brothers intended wife? Clearly she had form for falling out with people - don't worry - she'll be one of those who go NC with the in laws, solving a future problem grin

BossyBanana Mon 22-Apr-19 11:14:36

It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape to me.
You have done nothing wrong, she sounds very high maintenance.

I mean who asks people to be bridesmaid before they are even engaged and then changes their mind.
And who asks people to pay for hair and makeup two years before the wedding.
It’s a a bit batshit and if I were you I’d count my blessings you are out of the nonsense now and can focus on planning your own wedding.

DefinitelyNotAPenguin Mon 22-Apr-19 11:15:01

Genuine question, if you're not married and she's not married how is she your SIL? Is your sibling married to her sibling? I never thought of my brother's wife's brother as being my BIL... But I don't suppose there's anything else to call him. That is kind of disturbing. I just thought her was my brother's BIL. Not mine. grin

Oh well.

She's being a complete arse. You didn't get engaged on her wedding day or anything like that so she can piss off. Think you should book a date close enough to her do that all the family will compare. Obviously in favour of your do. Lol. I also think you should start a rumour that yours is going to be the day before hers. She wants drama, let her have some. grin

BettyDuMonde Mon 22-Apr-19 11:16:04

Sounds like a lucky escape!

Congratulations on your engagement ❤️

Comefromaway Mon 22-Apr-19 11:16:58


My daughter is a student. There is no way she would be able to afford half of what you have been asked to pay for.
£35 to visit her own hairdresser & doing her own make up plus £50 for a night out would be the maximum I reckon if she budgeted carefully. If specific shoes are needed the bride should pay.

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