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Help me stop this behaviour - MIL

(65 Posts)
TravellingSpoon Mon 22-Apr-19 09:58:04

I will start the thread by saying that we have a good relationship overall, she is funny and the kids love her, its just this one thing she does which drives me mad.

She will message that she is popping by and asks if we will be in. Sometimes I will say 'Yes I am but I am going out at X time'. She will then turn up every time without fail extremely close to that time and try and delay us going out, then feel affronted when I am trying to hussle her out of the door, and tell DH that I was abrupt or rude. I have tried explaining to her the stress her behaviour causes (I really dont like to be late, it makes me really anxious), have tried inviting her along, have tried telling her that I need to be out an hour before I do, nothing works. I think its a control thing, but its frustrating. I dont want to say to her that we are not in when we are, but its getting to the point where if its important, like DD's eye test on saturday I tell her we are not in.

She messaged this morning and I told her we were going out at 10.30. She said she would pop in and she still isnt here. She will turn up in about 15 minutes and try and delay us going out, by messing about with the children, telling long winded stories and making a cuppa.

I could leave her here I suppose, let her get on with it.

AnnaMagnani Mon 22-Apr-19 10:39:28

If it isn't convenient for her to come round as her coming round always takes ages and she delays you leaving, just say so.

So instead of saying 'Yes, but we have to leave at 10.30', say 'No we aren't in' or 'No, about to leave the house'

At the moment in her head, it's a mixed message. OK it isn't a mixed message but she is receiving it as such

You don't have to be in every time she wants to pop round.

Holidayshopping Mon 22-Apr-19 10:40:09

and tell DH that I was abrupt or rude

Is your DH on side? Presumably he explains to her ‘we told you we needed to leave at X o’clock!’

WhoKnewBeefStew Mon 22-Apr-19 10:40:23

Ignore her ‘are you in’ question and answer that

MIL. ‘Will you be in at 9, I’m just popping by’
YOU. ‘Sorry were going out at 10, we’ll be home at 4 if you’re still in the area’

Serialweightwatcher Mon 22-Apr-19 10:41:23

If you have plans, don't answer the message - if she turns up at the door say you've been too busy to look at phone and didn't hear notification - you're on your way out soon and today isn't convenient - if she gets pissed off, let her ... play it your way and she'll soon get fed up

NataliaOsipova Mon 22-Apr-19 10:43:09

HopeMatters has it. Change “yes but....” to “no because....”. The meaning subtly shifts.

Sindragosan Mon 22-Apr-19 10:45:37

If you're happy seeing her regularly, plan time in. Set aside a morning or afternoon and invite her around then, or visit her if it's ok.

Don't bother beyond that. Sorry, got x,y and z to do but will see you Wednesday afternoon as planned.

NoHolidaysforyou Mon 22-Apr-19 10:46:07

You should tell her that you're busy/already out doing other errands before whatever it was you were trying to go to.

ChrisPrattsFace Mon 22-Apr-19 10:48:53

I agree with the ‘we are going out, but will be back at X time if you still want to pop round’
You’re not being rude by ushering her out, and your avoiding the question of wether you’re in or not!

Jaxhog Mon 22-Apr-19 10:59:51

If you have plans to go out at any time that day then tell her you are not available. That way she won’t be able to disrupt you.

This. And if she does just still turn up, don't answer the door. She will eventually stop.

TravellingSpoon Mon 22-Apr-19 11:00:50

She is still here.

I am leaving in 2 minutes and she can stay here for as long as she likes!

DH has spoken to her about it but he also feels bad because she is lonely (he feels). I think it would help her loneliness if he spent more time with her but that is another thread.

TravellingSpoon Mon 22-Apr-19 11:02:32

Next time I am going to say we are not available in the morning and give her a time when we are.

EL8888 Mon 22-Apr-19 11:09:33

Straight away the vibe l got was control thing. I would bulldozer over this by leaving the house at the time l needed to. She's rude and selfish. If your OH doesn't speak to her about it then l would if l was you. Her making you late (or nearly late) must be causing you stress and disruption

ProserpinaPontypridd Mon 22-Apr-19 11:12:52

Oh God if I say to my mum I am going out at 10 she will make a silent phone call at 10 to see if I have gone.

Blondebakingmumma Mon 22-Apr-19 11:13:49

“Sorry MIL, this morning doesn’t work for me, come over any time after 1pm.”

DrReed Mon 22-Apr-19 11:14:37

In the OP you said you needed to go out at 10.30. Why are you still there at 11? You’re just giving her the message that she’s able to delay you.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Mon 22-Apr-19 11:14:49

To be extra nice you could sound enthusiastic about her coming - "Great! We'll be in from 3pm onwards so any time after that works l!"

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 22-Apr-19 11:16:23

Yeh I’m sure your dh is “on her side”. That way he doesn’t get to see his mother as much as she needs to reduce her loneliness. Think you’ve had some good advice glad you’ve taken it on board.

When you get to the appointment, send your dh a text that she arrived at x time when she knew you were going out at y time. Then he has something in b&w to see her unreasonableness. Do this every time. If he doesn’t like it he will have to react in some way.

NoSauce Mon 22-Apr-19 11:17:21

She will then turn up every time without fail extremely close to that time and try and delay us going out, then feel affronted when I am trying to hussle her out of the door, and tell DH that I was abrupt or rude

And? It’s her problem not yours. Stop pandering to her. Either tell her that it does r suit you or when you’re ready to leave just get your stuff and say you’ve got to go.

I don’t understand this at all. Would you put up with this behaviour from your friend or another family member??

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 22-Apr-19 11:17:28

Bloody hell. 😳

cuppycakey Mon 22-Apr-19 11:20:35

This is very simple to resolve.

You just stop saying Yes if you know you are going out.

Twickerhun Mon 22-Apr-19 11:23:10

Go out right before you expect she will arrive - she will soon get the nessage

Fairenuff Mon 22-Apr-19 11:28:42

You told her you had to go out at 10.30 yet you are still there at 11.00.

You are giving mixed messages.

Next time just say 'Ooops it's 10.30, I have to dash, see you later' and go.

regmover Mon 22-Apr-19 11:31:37

Not now, we're about to go out. No timescales required.

PuppyMonkey Mon 22-Apr-19 11:39:08

Sounds like you’ve come up with the best solution yourself OP. Tell her when you are free, not what all your precise plans for the day are.

So “we’re free from 1pm” and not “we’re free until we’ve got to leave the house at 11am.”

I’d just be worried she might start turning up anyway, once she works out your new policy.wink

Twillow Mon 22-Apr-19 11:44:27

If you know you're going out, tell her you are already out. Simple.

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