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Why are they always together?

(87 Posts)
Ihatehashtags Mon 22-Apr-19 00:09:00

I’m guessing there will be two camps here on MN but long story short it really irritates me that every single time my MIL comes for a visit she brings her sister.

It’s not 50% of the time, it’s literally every single visit.(we live 2hrs from her) We aren’t close to her or her kids, and never have been and I find it really changes the dynamic of the visit.

MIL also never asks if it’s okay but just turns up with her. Her sister is okay but it’s just another bed to make up, another lunch to make etc. it also means that because of the extra body we (our family and MIL) can’t ever go in one car together so the MIL and the sister take a separate car if we go out and do anything. This is the type of thing I’m getting at when I say it changes the dynamic.

My MIL and I aren’t overly close and I think her sister coming all the time has a part to play in that.

It’s my daughters party tomorrow and Ive got SIL and her three kids staying and MIL and now the sister too! There actually isn’t a free bed. They also aren’t the types to offer to help with anything either.

Thoughts AIBU? I have a bit PMTish so it could be that as well confused

Floosey Mon 22-Apr-19 00:12:29

Maybe she needs the security. A lot of people don't go anywhere without their partner. You don't mention her partner so maybe her sister is the equivilent.

Annoying but it isn't going to change even if you kick up a fuss so just accept it as you would a partner.

Ihatehashtags Mon 22-Apr-19 00:19:31

@Floosey no she is happily married.

Ilovemypantry Mon 22-Apr-19 00:23:41

If your MIL is happily married to your FIL why don’t they come as a couple instead of the MIL’s sister?

Redskyandrainbows67 Mon 22-Apr-19 00:24:35

There’s something weird going on here.
Unless it’s for practical reasons like she can’t drive there’s something emotional. Is sister really your oh’s Mum?! Is sister lonely? Is mil not happily married and not actually told you?
Can’t you just ask mil?

Expressedways Mon 22-Apr-19 00:24:47

Maybe MIL doesn’t like coming on her own and the sister is your DH/DP’s aunt so you’re being a little unreasonable to object to her visits I think. However, what’s far worse and is so incredibly rude is that they don’t ask in advance and you get 2 guests when you were expecting 1. You may have to accept that they come as a package deal but your DH should have a word and say they’ve been inconsiderate and that in future can they tell you in advance if the Aunt is joining so you know how many beds are needed and can plan food accordingly etc. As for tomorrow, tell them there isn’t a spare bed and they can work out between them (since they’re all the same family by the sounds of it) who will be sharing or going home. It shouldn’t be your problem to solve.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 22-Apr-19 00:39:59

Why doesn't your FIL ever visit?

Weenurse Mon 22-Apr-19 00:46:06

Let them sort out sleeping arrangements. Good luck with the party

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Mon 22-Apr-19 00:46:35

There's so much that seems odd here. So, sorry for the questions, but..

Why doesn't FIL ever come on these trips?
Does MIL not much like children? Is MIL-DSIS fonder of them?
What's their relationship like?
What's your DH's take on it? Did he see much of his aunt when he was growing up? What does he say about their relationship?
Is there anything OTHER than you and your family? EG MIL and her DSIS live rurally and your family live somewhere with great shops that FIL wouldn't want to spend time in?

Just about the only concrete thing you've said is that bit about the two cars when there's an extra person. So could MIL be manufacturing some distance for some reason? But then, why doesn't she bring her DH (FIL/GP!!!!)?

The bedroom situation isn't your problem to solve as the MIL-DSIS wasn't invited. So she goes home (or they both do), or they share a bed (double or single???) or one of them is on camp bed/cushions on the floor or a sofa!

The priority is your DD's party.

Oh, and they COULD be helping out... just assign them jobs!

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar Mon 22-Apr-19 00:47:11

Damn rude. Your husband needs to tell his mother that the invitation to stay was for her and her only, not whoever she feels like bringing along.
It would be completely different if it was just meeting for a meal or something but to invite someone to stay/dine at somebody else's home is just bloody rude!!

churchthecat Mon 22-Apr-19 00:49:41

Does she ask to bring her?

What if there is no bed space?

managedmis Mon 22-Apr-19 00:52:43

To share the driving?

Rachelle11 Mon 22-Apr-19 00:56:58

Where is your fil?

LongTermHold Mon 22-Apr-19 00:57:34

Does the sister live nearby? And where is FIL? And what does DH think?

julensaor Mon 22-Apr-19 01:37:48

she loves her, she needs her, just accept it? She could be bringing a FIL along and you'd still have to make space for him, so, just let it go, maybe, the minute you accept that's the way it is, you might find the good in it.

PregnantSea Mon 22-Apr-19 01:37:58

Let her bring her sister, I know it's annoying but I think asking her not to would do more harm than good.

However you should causally tell her to bring a blow up bed or a camping bed as there aren't any beds free. There's nothing wrong in that.

Ihatehashtags Mon 22-Apr-19 01:45:14

@MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord haha yes there is a lot that is weird for sure!

Where is FIL? Well MIL is split from my DHs father but is remarried. He hardly ever comes. Not sure what he’s up to but probably tinkering in his shed or working on their garden.

My MIL is one of those that I think likes the idea of grandkids more than she actually likes spending time with them. They are really well behaved kids but she seems to find most things about visiting us annoying. Just to give one example she was annoyed their swimming lessons were so early so she couldn’t sleep in (they’re at 9am). I guess she is quite “it’s all about me” with most things.

No my DH didn’t see much of his aunt growing up, no she isn’t fonder/more invested in my kids than MIl.

My DH is an extremely laid back person who doesn’t notice much. He knows his mum is hard work but he hates conflict so would never say anything.

They live in a city the same size as ours with the same shops.

Yes you are so right! They COULD be helping but will try to get out of it. There is a long list of things I could tell you about her previous actions but basically she is very selfish.

Also I think my SIL is the golden child and MIL definitely prioritzes her kids over our kids, but they do live in the same city so I can kind of understand that.

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Mon 22-Apr-19 01:53:37

If it pisses you off, there's no obvious explanation and it doesn't benefit you, your DH or your DC then STOP ACCOMMODATING IT!

At the VERY least, make a few pass-agg comments... "oh, wasn't expecting both of you..." Tone of huge suprise "hello MIL-DIS - I wasn't expecting to see you" etc.

I LOVE that you've not got enough beds.

Let that one hang.

Just explain the problem ("ooops, not enough beds") and DON'T try and find the solution.
See what they come up with.

Extra points if it makes you laugh!

Ihatehashtags Mon 22-Apr-19 01:55:25

@julensaor well if she was helpful and didn’t expect constant cups of tea or actually brought a token bottle of wine with her (for example) I’d not mind as much. But she never does and is happy to have a weekend away being waited on and all expenses paid so to speak. My husband and I are both very busy. We work full time have three kids, a large country property that needs work in the weekends to keep it looking semi decent. To give you an idea of the type of thing they do, we moved into our house a couple of years ago, we were frantically cleaning and painting day and night for weeks to get it done before our carpet got put in. We had no power on, no toilet etc so I’d packed us a picnic basket, thermos etc. they both turn up bang on lunchtime. As did my parents who kindly bought pies and sandwiches with them because they knew we had literally been up all night painting. The MIL and Aunty bring nothing (except takeaway coffees only for themselves) , want a tour, and then act put out that there isn’t any food for them. My parents were so angry about it.

echt Mon 22-Apr-19 03:09:51

OP, your posts imply you haven't actually ever brought it the attention of MIL and SIL that they are out of order, so why should they change?


Alicewond Mon 22-Apr-19 03:16:29

It’s a bit odd, but then I come from a large close family, I’m fully used to and aunt visiting turning into a family reunion of second cousins. Maybe it’s a culture or region thing? I would see it as normal but others maybe wouldn’t. Maybe she thinks it’s normal, speak to her about it

blackcat86 Mon 22-Apr-19 03:19:02

It is quite disrespectful to just turn up with an uninvited surprise extra house guest but your MIL seems to have form for being thoughtless. I think that you need to start calling her on her behaviour and asserting your boundaries. Read toxic in laws by Susan forward

julensaor Mon 22-Apr-19 04:32:17

@Ihatehashtags, fair enough, trust me I know about unhelpful household guests who expect to be waited on when you have kids to manage and (their kids too) I guess you are feeling it this weekend with SIL and kids also staying. I was only responding to your initial question (let the aunt come and assume she will come from now on); the issue seems to be how often and guest or no guest cleans up, helps out etc. If they come say twice a year then I think I would just say nothing, but if more often:

Get your DH say to her, het mom could you and aunty x mind the kids so we can have a night, need some time apart from the kids and some time together?-would ye. mind mind having the place in good order when we get back because we might be hungover. We desperately need some regular nights out (or hashtags is leaving me)

Dana28 Mon 22-Apr-19 05:01:51

You wouldn't invite your mil without her husband would you, so just look at the sister as being an alternative plus one

floribunda18 Mon 22-Apr-19 05:32:00

An alternative plus one

It isn't a wedding.

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