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Why are they always together?

(87 Posts)
Ihatehashtags Mon 22-Apr-19 00:09:00

I’m guessing there will be two camps here on MN but long story short it really irritates me that every single time my MIL comes for a visit she brings her sister.

It’s not 50% of the time, it’s literally every single visit.(we live 2hrs from her) We aren’t close to her or her kids, and never have been and I find it really changes the dynamic of the visit.

MIL also never asks if it’s okay but just turns up with her. Her sister is okay but it’s just another bed to make up, another lunch to make etc. it also means that because of the extra body we (our family and MIL) can’t ever go in one car together so the MIL and the sister take a separate car if we go out and do anything. This is the type of thing I’m getting at when I say it changes the dynamic.

My MIL and I aren’t overly close and I think her sister coming all the time has a part to play in that.

It’s my daughters party tomorrow and Ive got SIL and her three kids staying and MIL and now the sister too! There actually isn’t a free bed. They also aren’t the types to offer to help with anything either.

Thoughts AIBU? I have a bit PMTish so it could be that as well confused

MaybeitsMaybelline Mon 22-Apr-19 05:43:07

So they actually only come for a free weekend away in the country don’t they? You know, probably in and amongst their city breaks, or shopping breaks.

Only they have to pay for those.

floribunda18 Mon 22-Apr-19 05:49:25

I would stop treating them like guests and get them to muck in. So if they ask for cups of tea, ask them to make it, and make you one as well. Instead of them expecting to be fed, ask them to bring food or buy a takeaway.

ilikebeckerinmyoldage Mon 22-Apr-19 05:49:38

I'd start saying no when she asks to come stay. I wouldn't be making up extra beds, and I wouldn't be making them lunch. This should be up to your dh anyway. Id keep myself busy when she does come, if she asked about lunch/tea I'd say 'help yourself to the kitchen'. And then I'd head out.

Acis Mon 22-Apr-19 06:19:52

If the aunt has only just invited herself for the party tomorrow, surely you need to say What a shame, no beds, will you be staying in a hotel?

crispysausagerolls Mon 22-Apr-19 06:36:11

YANBU!!! WTAF 😱

JenniferJareau Mon 22-Apr-19 06:37:36

It’s my daughters party tomorrow and Ive got SIL and her three kids staying and MIL and now the sister too! There actually isn’t a free bed.

What did MIL say when you told her there was no free bed?

MrsElizabethShelby Mon 22-Apr-19 06:50:10

How sure are you that she is actually your MIL sister?

Flyingaddict Mon 22-Apr-19 07:15:25

Have you ever asked her to just come on her own?

Dishwashersaurous Mon 22-Apr-19 07:16:00

Just say that there’s no space. Have you actually said that there isn’t room

itstheweekend2 Mon 22-Apr-19 07:17:02

How sure are you that she is actually your MIL sister?

Interesting

Dishwashersaurous Mon 22-Apr-19 07:17:14

With some people who need to use words of one syllable and state very clearly what is needed. Eg on this visit mil can just you come as isn’t space for x

NancyJoan Mon 22-Apr-19 07:24:51

It’s definitely weird, or at least selfish and bloody annoying. It’s definitely not your PMT that’s making it so.

LongTermHold Mon 22-Apr-19 07:28:33

YANBU. But you have a DH problem.

Seriously, he should have spoken to her: about the sister; about the lack of beds; about the lack of contribution of food; about the lack of help.

Missingstreetlife Mon 22-Apr-19 07:51:59

Don't invite them, go to theirs for lunch. Learn to say no, and ask for what you need

Boysey45 Mon 22-Apr-19 07:55:54

Just scale back MIL visits and say you can only accommodate her not SIL and could she bring some alcohol and a dessert etc.
I think you need to put your foot down and put up some boundaries. I wouldn't be waiting on them hand and foot and its wrong that they don't either bring something or take your family out to eat.
Basically you are being used as a hotel.

SpeckledyHen Mon 22-Apr-19 07:56:29

I never understand these type of threads - why don’t you simply ask her why she always brings her sister along ? Better than asking a lot of strangers to speculate .
As for the AIBU aspect - no your aren’t BU in the slightest IMO . I wouldn’t want an extra uninvited guest turning up expecting to stay overnight .

Mememeplease Mon 22-Apr-19 08:03:54

Some people need very simple, but very direct instructions. I'd be doing that.

BookwormMe2 Mon 22-Apr-19 08:07:07

When you're arranging these visits, why don't you simply say that you can't accommodate the aunt on that occasion (or rather get your DH to, seeing as it's his family) and that you'd really like to see your MIL on her own. If she refuses or still turns up with the aunt in tow, send them to the nearest hotel and don't invite again.

Margot33 Mon 22-Apr-19 08:09:05

It's a little rude to bring an uninvited guest. Perhaps stop inviting her? Visit her instead? Be she asks to stay over just say sorry not enough beds and transport for your sister to come.

AppleKatie Mon 22-Apr-19 08:12:22

Is it as simple as MIL doesn’t feel up to the drive?

Constance1234 Mon 22-Apr-19 08:15:45

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time and as you’ve never said anything they probably think you are perfectly happy with the arrangement. It is odd I agree, but what is even odder is that you and your DH have been putting up with this for so long!

JessieMcJessie Mon 22-Apr-19 08:26:13

Why did she have to get up because your kids were going swimming?

Gwenhwyfar Mon 22-Apr-19 08:59:53

"Maybe it’s a culture or region thing? I would see it as normal but others maybe wouldn’t. Maybe she thinks it’s normal"

I don't come from a particularly close family, but I don't find it abnormal at all. The MIL comes with her DSIS who is DH's aunt and the DC's great aunt. It makes as much if not more sense for the great aunt to be there than MIL's husband, as he's not DH's father.
I have very fond memories of staying with my great aunt as a child and of spending time with my GM and great aunt together. She didn't stay over at ours, but she could have done as she could have shared a bed with GM if GD hadn't been there.
The issue with the car would be exactly the same if MIL's husband had come, wouldn't it? I don't see why that's such a big problem.

Gwenhwyfar Mon 22-Apr-19 09:01:21

"How sure are you that she is actually your MIL sister?

Interesting"

What? You think she's a secret lover? You think the DH doesn't recognise his aunt? This is a bit mad.

RB68 Mon 22-Apr-19 09:16:55

I bet its just for company on the journey and they have never thought about the impact on you at all

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