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Or was my date really rude?

(136 Posts)
gillteed Sun 21-Apr-19 09:28:55

Went on a date yesterday.
We met in a village half way between us.
It was a hour train for me and 45 mins for him.
My train home was 5pm and his was 5.05 pm.
I checked my app and seen my 5pm train was cancelled (if anyone is in north you will know northern still use the horrible 2 carriage pacer trains ) anyway the 4pm train was running 7 mins late so we rushed down for that.
I missed it by 2 mins.
His train came in at about ten past 4 and he jumped on and said bye leaving me alone till 6pm for the next train.
This is a train station without a coffee shop,any train staff,no vending machine and no toilets.
20 mins walk back into the village and I didn't really know the way.
Aibu to think he could have stayed as he wasn't going anywhere just home.
So I sat till 6 pm and I got home for 7.30 pm and he was home and 5pm !

QOD Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:40

I’d say no to a second date, it’s a bit off, maybe not rude as such but surely he could have chatted ? And maybe even just stayed until his next train?

CryptoFascist Sun 21-Apr-19 09:31:40

Sounds like he wasn't interested in you.
If he was, and the date had gone well, he'd have waited until at least his planned 5:05 train. Delete and move on.

19lottie82 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:31:48

Yeah that’s a bit crap! I wouldn’t be impressed if someone left me sitting myself for 2 hours. Unless he had to be somewhere urgently, but you said he didn’t.

Have you heard from him since? Based on his actions I would have to assume he wasn’t interested in a second date, or severely lacking any sort of social skills!

Chloemol Sun 21-Apr-19 09:32:26

Just don’t see him again. Yes shown you what he is like

Wheresmyvagina Sun 21-Apr-19 09:32:29

He should have offered to stay and walk back to the village with you.

gillteed Sun 21-Apr-19 09:32:49

This was actually our 4th date confused

HollyBollyBooBoo Sun 21-Apr-19 09:34:02

That's pretty mean. Think it shows his true colours!

Dieu Sun 21-Apr-19 09:34:48

I wouldn't see him again.
thanks

Armadillostoes Sun 21-Apr-19 09:35:10

Don't go for number 5!

19lottie82 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:35:13

Has he been in touch since?

gillteed Sun 21-Apr-19 09:35:23

Also when I got there (5 mins after ) thinking he was meeting at station he text saying he had walked to the pub up the road and he would meet me inside.
Couldn't even be bothered to wait 5 mins

gillteed Sun 21-Apr-19 09:35:49

He text saying he was home and asked if I was still at the station

Ihatehashtags Sun 21-Apr-19 09:36:00

Wouldn’t be seeing him again. That’s terrible form.

GertrudeCB Sun 21-Apr-19 09:36:48

Not a keeper. Nice to realise it early on.

Jupiters Sun 21-Apr-19 09:36:50

If it was me then that date would likely be our last. It's the lack of thought in the early stages of a relationship than would upset me.

crispysausagerolls Sun 21-Apr-19 09:37:44

But presumably the date was not enjoyable for you either? Otherwise I would have wanted to take a later train, not an earlier one!

Iloveacurry Sun 21-Apr-19 09:38:17

He should of waited with you. Not very gentlemanly.

popsadaisy Sun 21-Apr-19 09:38:29

YANBU arsehole!!!!

Fruityfruitcake Sun 21-Apr-19 09:38:46

Definitely knock it on the head, I'd also explain why.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 21-Apr-19 09:39:16

Definitely rude, I would have stayed with you until at least my planned train and probably the one after you left.

gillteed Sun 21-Apr-19 09:40:01

@crispysausagerolls I had to get back and the train after the cancelled one was going to get me back too late.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 21-Apr-19 09:40:13

Never popular on this forum, but old fashioned courtesy goes a long way. I wouldn't see him again.

rudewordsaretheshit Sun 21-Apr-19 09:40:17

If we had been getting on really well and conversation was easy and interesting then I might have stayed. But an extra hour of awkward conversation with a stranger just to pass time - I'd have jumped on that train too. Having said that, he did originally say he'd get the 5.05 so in your shoes I'd feel resentful of him. I would chalk it down to a duff date, delete his number and try someone else.

KC225 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:41:21

He left you to wait 2 hours for a train? Why didn't you suggest going back to the pub?

He sounds bloody thoughtless?

rudewordsaretheshit Sun 21-Apr-19 09:43:20

4th date? That's pretty shit behaviour. Either way I wouldn't see him again.

pinkpushchairs Sun 21-Apr-19 09:43:50

I'd be very upset by that behaviour

Aprillygirl Sun 21-Apr-19 09:44:12

Rude and selfish.If he thought anything and enjoyed your company he'd have waited with you. Move on op.

recklessgran Sun 21-Apr-19 09:48:01

"When he shows you who he is - believe him"
Run for the hills OP!

NataliaOsipova Sun 21-Apr-19 09:50:16

Yes - I wouldn’t see him again. I wouldn’t do that to any friend, unless circumstances dictated that I absolutely had to get home for a certain time.

Absofuckinglutely Sun 21-Apr-19 09:50:59

Wouldn't be seeing him again, but genuinely interested as to why you didn't originally just decide to get the 6pm train and stay at the pub. You say it would have got you back too late, but surely it would have got you back by 8pm - hardly too late surely?

Dvg Sun 21-Apr-19 09:51:02

Yeah ltb, if he isn't going to be a gentleman then he doesn't deserve you. It's rude and I wouldn't make a man wait around for 2 hours on his own

Fantasisa Sun 21-Apr-19 09:51:14

If he isn’t interested enough in you to jump at the chance to spend more time with you at the beginning of a relationship, he isn’t going to put himself out five years down the line!

MsLayla Sun 21-Apr-19 09:52:42

Sounds like he wasn't very interested / it wasn't going v well.
Wouldn't be messaging him again. It's a dead end.

Mememeplease Sun 21-Apr-19 09:52:57

Hopefully you won't agree to a 5th date.

It would be interesting to know if he thinks he's done nothing wrong and still wants another date or if he's already decided that was the end of the relationship. I'd wait to see if he asks then politely tell him why you don't want to see him again.

ScreamingValenta Sun 21-Apr-19 09:53:28

Selfish, 'I'm all right Jack' behaviour - not a keeper, OP.

Lovemusic33 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:54:07

If it was a first date then I wouldn’t be too bothered, the fact it was a 4th date would make me feel a bit angry, he could have taken a later train and waited with you. Ditch him x

Mummaofmytribe Sun 21-Apr-19 09:54:42

Nah, rude and thoughtless. On a 4th date you're really getting an idea if you're seriously into someone and it's usually exciting and you want to be together nattering away nonstop. He's showing you that you don't matter that much. That's a long time to knowingly leave a date all on their tod! I wouldn't want a repeat performance myself

intensiveeveline Sun 21-Apr-19 09:55:08

He doesn't sound very gallant, I must say.

Aibu to think he could have stayed as he wasn't going anywhere just home

Perhaps he had another date/place to be and just didn't want to admit it?

So he's either thoughtless and selfish or a liar. I wouldn't bother seeing him again, OP. You can do better!

IncrediblySadToo Sun 21-Apr-19 09:56:51

As it was YOU that had to get back, not him, the fact that he didn’t WANT to stay says everything.

For me it’s not even about manners etc, it’s simply the fact that 4 dates in he didn’t jump at the chance to spend the extra time together.

No 5th date.

BaronessBomburst Sun 21-Apr-19 09:57:55

Is this the date that was going to take you for a drive but wouldn't pick you up?

Noonooyou Sun 21-Apr-19 09:59:07

baroness I wondered the same thing!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Sun 21-Apr-19 10:01:28

Personally I don’t see the issue, your an adult, you can’t wait on your own. You don’t need a snack etc...

He may have had plans that night. It’s notnhis fault the train was cancelled.

Mari50 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:05:57

All the comments about gallantry and gentlemanly behaviour are making me nauseous. Bottom line is that neither of you are that keen because if I was on a date that was going well and my train was cancelled I’d be getting the later one and conversely if my date opted to leave early and then missed the train I’d be thinking ‘ah feck em, they obviously aren’t that keen, I’m cutting my losses’
If either of you were really into this the scenario you have described wouldn’t have happened.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 21-Apr-19 10:06:18

It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but did he think you were ending the date prematurely and therefore things were off, and decide not to wait two hours for you to go home?

Is this the same man that wouldn't pick you up when you wanted to be?

Did you suggest going to do something else, like going back to the pub?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 21-Apr-19 10:06:58

Ah, Mari50 beat me to it!

SchadenfreudePersonified Sun 21-Apr-19 10:12:58

I would have stayed even with a casual friend, never mind a girl/boy friend in a situation like that.

Leaving you (vulnerable) in a place where there is nowhere to get refreshments etc is bloody bad-mannered!

You are well off out of it. Look on this as a stroke of good luck - he has shown you exactly what he is like. Don't ignore the message.

Coffeeonthesofa Sun 21-Apr-19 10:13:11

Would you have waited with him til at least your 5pm train if the positions were reversed? Yes a friend would, regardless of it being a date or not, he obviously doesn’t feel the same.
It was the middle of the afternoon you didn’t need him to look after you, but courtesy would have been nice.
I’m an older woman so this would not have been the done thing back in my dating days and I would have finished the relationship , is it different nowadays?

MRex Sun 21-Apr-19 10:14:54

Odd not to both go back to the pub. Best not to bother with this one again OP.

Candleglow7475 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:15:49

Bad form, I wouldn’t be impressed. He sounds selfish, bin him off before he has a chance to display more selfish behaviour.

Bisset Sun 21-Apr-19 10:15:50

I was about to post that I agree with this...

If he isn’t interested enough in you to jump at the chance to spend more time with you at the beginning of a relationship, he isn’t going to put himself out five years down the line!

But actually...@Mari50 makes a really good point.

Not to go all schoolyard on you... but in terms of terminating the date early... you did it first OP!

mabelsgarden Sun 21-Apr-19 10:15:59

@gilteed

Awful thoughtless rude selfish behaviour. DH said he wouldn't even do this a mate, let alone a woman he was dating. As a few posters have said, surely he should have jumped at the chance to spend more time with you. Real lack of chivalry, and just a horrible way for a man to treat a woman. (Or another man even!)

I expect if you complained, he would say 'well, you women fought for equality, so suck it up.' (And yeah I have heard men saying that!!!') hmm As I said though, my DH said he would never do that to a male friend, let alone a woman he was dating, and wanted to keep seeing. As has been said, it doesn't sound like he is very interested!

I also wonder if you are the same poster who is dating a man who wouldn't pick you up from the station, and made you make your way to him, and didn't want to go out, but just wanted you to come for a shag?

Sorry if that's not you, but if it is; PLEASE don't let yourself be treated this way. sad

@Mari50

All the comments about gallantry and gentlemanly behaviour are making me nauseous.

Why? WTF is wrong with a man being gentlemanly and chivalrous towards a woman? I despair for humanity when I read shit like this, I really do! hmm

The OP needs to bin this loser. As far as I'm concerned, she will have dodged a bullet!

TapasForTwo Sun 21-Apr-19 10:16:33

I wonder if you live on our railway line OP. Hourly trains, single track, unexplained cancellations, old pacer carriages. We call the service Northern Fail.

Easterbunnynearlyhere Sun 21-Apr-19 10:18:44

Also thought of similar poster....
He was very rude.
It's a ltb from me.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 21-Apr-19 10:20:23

Is this the guy from the 'pick me up' dance off? I haven't been keeping up.

At least you are now unencumbered by one less knob.

Jojoanna Sun 21-Apr-19 10:24:19

Forget him , he’s not interested

ScreamingValenta Sun 21-Apr-19 10:25:47

It's nothing to do with old fashioned chivalry - I'd have waited with a bloke in that situation or a female friend. If it was someone I really fancied I'd regard the extra time with them as a gift from Fate. I'd have been willing the train not to turn up, in fact!*

*though as another victim of Northern Fail, I probably wouldn't have to wish very hard!

Dana28 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:27:25

Why? WTF is wrong with a man being gentlemanly and chivalrous towards a woman?

Because by definition equality would mean he would treat you no differently because he is a man and you are a woman!

Dana28 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:28:43

Also you do sound a bit feeble if the village was only 20 minutes walk away, why didn't you go back there ? You could have asked someone the way

Petalflowers Sun 21-Apr-19 10:29:54

On the basis he wasn’t going to leave until 5pm anyway, then yes, he was rude. He should have waited around, at least until 5pm.

happyhillock Sun 21-Apr-19 10:31:45

I'd dump him for sure, no decent guy would leave you standing alone at a station for 2 hrs, i'd txt him and the selfish git exactly what i thought of him

TheInvestigator Sun 21-Apr-19 10:32:25

Any normal person would have gone back to a pub for the couple of hours! Or a walk round the village or something!

DelphiniumBlue Sun 21-Apr-19 10:33:31

He was rude, no doubt.
But me and DH want to know, how was the date apart from that? Did he seem interested up to that point? Or was it uninspiring anyway?

HBStowe Sun 21-Apr-19 10:35:17

Definitely rude! He wouldn’t get another date from me.

senbei Sun 21-Apr-19 10:35:54

I feel like he's just not that into you. When I'm in the initial stages of dating with someone I genuinely fancied, I'd always try to prolong the date, not cut it short!

1tisILeClerc Sun 21-Apr-19 10:36:42

{Why? WTF is wrong with a man being gentlemanly and chivalrous towards a woman? I despair for humanity when I read shit like this, I really do! }

In this case it looks like he isn't really 'into' you but as a general case, women are demanding equality, this means that the effort to be made by (men) being chivalrous is eroded. It's all a dance, but if you don't want to play, don't then complain.
Both of you lose significant points for inability to communicate and think of alternative plans.
I believe the expression' they don't spoil a perfect couple' probably applies.

Goodadvice1980 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:37:29

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3562160-not-going-on-date-if-he-won-t-pick-me-up?pg=1&order=

OP, please tell me this isn't you?

mistygrl Sun 21-Apr-19 10:38:06

Yeah he doesn't care. Bin him

Ratatatouille Sun 21-Apr-19 10:39:34

I'd bin him off. 4 dates in is extremely early days. If he's already being thoughtless and rude then imagine how it will be when he's really feeling comfortable.
It's not really a matter of chivalry but rather basic courtesy and manners towards another human being. No matter who I was meeting - brother, sister, friend, colleague, date - I would not leave someone alone at a remote train station for 2 hours. I would keep them company and get a later train.

Longdistance Sun 21-Apr-19 10:39:48

He’s not the twat that went to Halfords with his dB and bought a bike, and ditched op?

No more dates with this one, he sounds awful.

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 10:40:03

Crikey I wouldn’t expect someone to hang around with me just because my train was cancelled. What a waste of time!

I’d have pottered back to the village and gone to the pub again!

I presume you had a phone so you could find the way?

Aeroflotgirl Sun 21-Apr-19 10:44:45

No 5th date, selfish arse with no manners!

SleepingStandingUp Sun 21-Apr-19 10:45:33

If his train was in and an hour and he NEEDED to get that one, then 20 minutes into village and 20 out makes going in pointless. But he could have at least kept you company and gone in for 50 minutes of cannodling.

I'd say no to date 5 and tell him you assumed when he left you at the station alone for 2 hours it was indicative of his lack of interest in you

WidowTwonky Sun 21-Apr-19 10:46:31

Maybe the OP was using a childminder and couldn’t be late back

Littlechocola Sun 21-Apr-19 10:46:44

I would have just gone for a walk if I was left waiting although if it was a friend waiting who expressed that they were uncomfortable with the situation I would have waited with them.
Male/female doesn’t come in to it.

Ratatatouille Sun 21-Apr-19 10:50:19

Crikey I wouldn’t expect someone to hang around with me just because my train was cancelled. What a waste of time!

I think that's basically the problem. He saw it as a waste of time rather than an opportunity to hang out for an extra hour with his date. Surely most couples can’t wait to spend time together in the early days and would relish the chance to have an extra hour. I certainly wouldn’t have considered going home early to be a better prospect than being with DH at that point. Or now, for that matter.

Herefortheduration Sun 21-Apr-19 10:54:39

Sorry to say but if he was enjoying your company he'd have stayed. Move on.

Whisky2014 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:54:59

The whole "I couldn't find my way: is a little pathetic. But I agree he doesn't care that much cause he wpuld have stayed. Once I'd found out I'd missed the 4pm train I'd have suggested a pub snack and drinks

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 10:55:12

He saw it as a waste of time rather than an opportunity to hang out for an extra hour with his date

See the thing is I suspect this has all been rather a misunderstanding.

Maybe he saw the OP rushing away as a sign she wasn’t enjoying things and wanted to finish the date earlier.

Either way, I don’t think a single instance of not waiting is indicative of anything in the “relationship” without further discussion.

The OP could have said “oh blow, missed the train, fancy heading back to the pub?”

I think being direct with people is far better than expecting people to guess the right course of behaviour, then using it as a stick to beat them with afterwards!

Dana28 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:57:31

think being direct with people is far better than expecting people to guess the right course of behaviour, then using it as a stick to beat them with afterwards!

^^this x 100

BottleOfJameson Sun 21-Apr-19 10:58:08

Crikey I wouldn’t expect someone to hang around with me just because my train was cancelled. What a waste of time!

How would it be a waste of time? You're keeping them company!

Dippypippy1980 Sun 21-Apr-19 10:58:50

Pile on everything of your friends do this to you - and would you do this to a friend.

He’s not a kind or thoughtful person. Not the type I would want in my life.

Saltystraw Sun 21-Apr-19 11:00:53

Gosh I hate all this equality crap.. I’m not fighting for it in every sense of the word.. yes I want to vote, and be equal in some respects but women are not men and men are not women and I don’t want us to be the same.. the differences we have are the best things about us. Im glad my boyfriend knows how to treat me as his equal while still be able to treat me like a lady.

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:01:07

How would it be a waste of time? You're keeping them company!

I don’t need to be kept company! Especially not when you’re both relying on public transport.

whitehalleve Sun 21-Apr-19 11:02:39

Exactly what @Herefortheduration says.

Drop him

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 21-Apr-19 11:03:21

He just doesn’t sound that into you.

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:04:45

I don’t get the suggestions that he’s not that into the OP.

The OP had already ended the date early....by the same token doesn’t that suggest she’s just not that into him?

Of course he may not be interested, but I wouldn’t see this incident as proof of that.

mummyhaschangedhername Sun 21-Apr-19 11:04:55

I would have expected him to wait too. However, might be worth asking him about his perspective if you like him. I did long distance with my now husband. The first time he came to mind to stay he was planning a week, but ended up leaving 1 day early and I was really upset. Turned out the journey was 10 hours driving and he was just tired and wanted to get home and have some time to recover before work. I get it now having done the journey myself and our first full week together was fairly full on,so i get it now, but equally I would be feeling they way you did now.

If you like him then ask, if you not so sure, then move on.

Ratatatouille Sun 21-Apr-19 11:05:19

I think being direct with people is far better than expecting people to guess the right course of behaviour, then using it as a stick to beat them with afterwards!

I do agree with this generally, but in this instance I think I wouldn’t want someone to stay and spend time with me because I’d asked them to. I’d want them to want to be with me, and if they didn’t then that’s fine but I wouldn’t be going on another date. It’s very, very early days and at this point I wouldn’t be getting into any discussions about anything. I’d just move on.

MrsEricBana Sun 21-Apr-19 11:05:19

Whether he was rude or not I don't know BUT the fact that he wasn't thinking, great that's another couple of hours together isn't good and I definitely wouldn't bother again. He's not keen enough is the bottom line. Sorry.

RB68 Sun 21-Apr-19 11:05:36

If the pub was 5 mins up the road you were being a bit wet not to go up there and have another drink or even tea or coffee whilst waiting etc.

churchthecat Sun 21-Apr-19 11:05:47

I hate all this gallantry bollocks.

But why didn't you both just go back to the pub and have another pint til 6?

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:07:22

but in this instance I think I wouldn’t want someone to stay and spend time with me because I’d asked them to. I’d want them to want to be with me, and if they didn’t then that’s fine but I wouldn’t be going on another date

But in this instance the OP had already made it clear she wanted to leave early and change the parameters. At that point it would have been fair easier all round to have said “well that plan didn’t work, fancy heading for another drink”.

I mean he might assume rushing for a train was an excuse and the OP didn’t want to spend time with him.

I just feel the entire situation would have been avoided with better communication.

Tinkoschminko Sun 21-Apr-19 11:08:41

He had options: he could’ve stayed, could’ve invited you to his. He just scarpered! I would see this as not that bothered. Unless he’s not the most flexible of thinkers...

Thecabbageassasin Sun 21-Apr-19 11:13:36

She ended the date early for legitimate reasons. The planned 5:00pm train had been cancelled.
Common courtesy would tell me not to leave someone alone in those circumstances, I would at least ask my person if they would like company, I wouldn’t just hop ‘I’m alright jack’ onto the next train and leave them to it.

JacquesHammer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:14:50

She ended the date early for legitimate reasons

Well sure, but he might have taken it as “oh god she doesn’t want to spend an extra hour with me and would rather get the earlier train”.

I genuinely don’t get why the OP wouldn’t just suggest they do something else.

Happygolucky009 Sun 21-Apr-19 11:16:04

Did you rush to try to catch the 4pm train thus ending the date an hour earlier than expected?
What time did you meet?
Did you consider and discuss you both catching a later train?

I guess if I was enjoying a date and the other person suddenly sought to dash off early, I would probably look to do the same!

quizqueen Sun 21-Apr-19 11:16:40

What's the point in dating someone who lives two hours away and you both have to use public transport to see each other in the first place!

ilikebeckerinmyoldage Sun 21-Apr-19 11:17:39

I really hope this isn't the won't drive/on a bike guy. That guy has had too many chances!

Connieston Sun 21-Apr-19 11:17:50

In the early stages it's more usual to be desperate to spend every moment together. I'd agree he might not be as invested in the relationship if he was happy to pop off early, as opposed to have longer to chat and kiss.

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