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In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

(488 Posts)
MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 00:33:11

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

GreenTulips Sun 21-Apr-19 00:36:55

Personally very few woman have the luxury of being able to choose to raise their own children.

She young
She’s educated
She has time to change her mind
Nothing is set in stone
She might actually live being at home
If she doesn’t she can get a job
Let her enjoy the ride and find out for herself

ItsAGo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:37:34

Eh? No one knows what it’s like to be a parent until they get there, but it’s sometjinf they want to do and she’s in a fortunate position to do it when she wants not having to wait to be financially stable etc. I’m pretty sure her and her DH will have discussed this at length during their relationship.

MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 00:39:45

No-one knows and I agree it's fortunate to be able to choose to be a SAHM but she had a privileged education, got a degree and just seems like it's early to be going down that path. Though I know I'm hypocritical in a way for even having any problem with it since I've always been a SAHM. But with changing her mind I think as she hasn't really had any time to even start a career properly it would be difficult for her to ever get back into work in future.

VimFuego101 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:40:06

YANBU. I think that several threads on here are a cautionary tale against giving up a career. Being married offers some protection but it seems much more sensible to maintain your career and pension. It's tough to work your way back into a career after a few years out.

Princess1066 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:40:17

As above hmm

Princess1066 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:41:36

Not above - wasn't quick enough confused

Mymomsbetterthanyomom Sun 21-Apr-19 00:42:20

First and foremost that is a decision to be made by your daughter and her husband.
The parents of the child.In a world where so many babies get sent to daycare for 10 hours a day,it's wonderful to know there are still mothers who cherish that bonding time with their children.
Fyi...I had all 3 of my children by 24.😉

Politicalacuityisathing Sun 21-Apr-19 00:42:47

I think your DD is right - you are a hypocrite.

Princess1066 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:43:10

Staying at home can be fantastic - it was for me & I'm glad I could do it - albeit making sacrifices along the way - new clothes cars holidays etc..

HerRoyalNotness Sun 21-Apr-19 00:43:13

Encourage her to keep her job for future proofing. No one knows what that holds and it would be awful if she found herself a single parent to 3/4 kids not having worked for 10yrs

MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 00:44:42

Nothing wrong with having children young at all and I know it's what she wants and she's wanted to be a mum for a long time! It's more that she's set on being at home for good which again is what I did so I'm not judging but just seems like she's gone through a lot of education etc to give that up suddenly for good. But maybe this is my problem more than anything and I'm not sure why I'm even questioning it.

Pppppppp1234 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:46:13

It’s okay to be worried but please don’t express these to your daughter. It sounds like you have zero faith in her abilities to be a parent and make a decision.

You are best letting her find her own way through it all.... support her with the baby. She might take to motherhood like a duck to water or she might hate it.

She is young and early in her career, she might chose part time rather than SAHP but that it her choice.
She will make new friends I am sure through baby groups as no matter what age you are having a baby changes your friendship groups without a doubt.

I would have loved to be a SAHP but finances haven’t allowed that and instead I work 40hours a week and DS is in nursery full time, my next I will go back full time after six months. Your daughter is in a very enviable position and very fortunate so pleas support her in whatever she wants to do!

bumblebae Sun 21-Apr-19 00:46:52

Actually OP I agree with you. She is lucky to have the option but if anything went wrong she may struggle. Could she carry on working part time to keep her foot in the door? If they don't need the money anyway? I am a year older and planning on starting a family soon. Time will tell but at the moment my gut tells me it would be premature for me to stop working now although I appreciate we are all different

greenlloon Sun 21-Apr-19 00:47:02

Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions? not unreasonable infact perfectly reasonable its a bad idea to give up a job and depend on someone else

Singlenotsingle Sun 21-Apr-19 00:47:09

You aren't being unreasonable, but you need to back off now. Nothing you say will make any difference. She's had her education and if at some stage she decides to go back and take up a career, then she can do that. The fact that you are a SAHM doesnt help your case either.

cloudymelonade Sun 21-Apr-19 00:48:11

I'm 25 and if my mum said any of that to me, I would be bloody furious.
I've chosen to be a SAHM for now but it doesn't mean I won't go back to work at some point in the future or even take the time to retrain in something. Or maybe I won't, maybe I'll stay at home at that's fine too.
She will be very aware what having a baby entails, sleepless nights and all.

PS one of the best things about being a young mum is your own parents still being young enough to enjoy this special time with you. Don't ruin that.

MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 00:48:40

Totally take that on board about needing to support her rather than question her at this time. I agree I should be more supportive not plant doubt in her mind or seem like I'm judging her. She is also in a very fortunate position, I know lots of mums would love to do what she's doing and she's lucky her husband earns enough to support them both which a few of her friends have commented on! I just don't want it to be something she regrets and a difference is at her age she hasn't had time to build up any kind of career rather than if it was a few years later.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 21-Apr-19 00:48:42

Yanbu. These type of stories sit very uncomfortably with me.

No doubt you're going to receive endless posts telling you to mind your own business and that she's an adult and can make her own choices etc etc and how they gave birth at 18 in a shed having run away with the boy they were dating since childhood.

All you can do at the moment is just be her sounding board. Don't alienate her or criticise as she'll most likely pull away from you.

She's certainly going to be in for a shock and the type of rhetoric being espoused by her husband is how it starts. When 40-something women find themselves penniless and with dependents to care for following divorce they'll bitterly remember these moments.

Purpleartichoke Sun 21-Apr-19 00:52:13

Stepping out when you have an established career and network is completely different than staying home at the start. I was a sahm for 5 years. When I went back to work, my company gave me a promotion and huge raise because they were thrilled to have me back. I never really had to worry about divorce, disease, or death, because I knew I could step into a job that would let me keep our home and support my dd pretty much immediately.

If she does proceed with this plan, I would advice her to have an emergency fund set aside. Without a strong resume, it will be hard to jump into gainful employment on short notice of disaster strikes.

MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 00:55:25

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Given me a lot to think about. I think best is to not judge and support her especially with her baby on the way but it's just a worry thinking that she's shutting off an option for the long term but I will keep that to myself, I don't want to be unsupportive.

greenlloon Sun 21-Apr-19 00:57:08

She's had her education and if at some stage she decides to go back and take up a career, then she can do that can she? graduates with degree gets a job for 2 years leaves try and get a job x number of years later will not be as easy as you think.

*I'm 25 and if my mum said any of that to me, I would be bloody furious.
I've chosen to be a SAHM for now but it doesn't mean I won't go back to work at some point in the future or even take the time to retrain in something. Or maybe I won't, maybe I'll stay at home at that's fine too. * what happens if you become a single parent?

Witchend Sun 21-Apr-19 00:57:10

I had my first at that age, and was a sahp until my youngest was around 8yo,so around 15 years. Loved it, and would do it again.
I don't regret it one bit.

I didn't work fully before I had the dc, as I had glandular fever badly in my final year at uni and overdid things the next year, so after we'd got married it made sense for me to have a break to recover. I ended up nannying for a couple of friends, and then got pregnant.

No regrets at all, and would not have thanked my dm for saying anything above.

I'm also in the situation now that my eldest is off to uni shortly, my youngest is fairly independent. Most of my similar age friends are still picking primary schools and possibly looking towards secondary for their eldest in a couple of years.

C8H10N4O2 Sun 21-Apr-19 01:02:48

I'm with you OP for all the reasons outlined by VladmirsPoutine.

I would also be worried if one of my children effectively cancelled out of building their own career and income stream, leaving them exposed to being left high and dry in middle age. I've seen it happen far too often.

Would she take mat leave rather than quit in the first instance and then review after six months or so? If the husband is such a high flying earning then they can afford childcare to enable her to at least keep a foot in her industry so keeping that option open makes sense for the first year or so.

MrsJenB Sun 21-Apr-19 01:04:57

I agree mat leave would be a sensible option then she would still have that choice even if she did prefer not to go back to work but I think she's totally set on it and really wants to be at home. Which is fine but as you said it's more because it's at her age so before even starting building a career which seems to remove an option possibly for her in future even if she may never need it. I know it's her choice but doesn't stop me worrying a bit.

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