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To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

(94 Posts)
Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:25:29

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

BadLad Thu 25-Apr-19 14:12:33

Nothing wrong with having filters, although it will limit your options, obviously.

If I'm ever single again, there will be very slim pickings, as, like you, I only want to date people with degrees. But, unlike you, I win't consider anyone with kids. Subtract people who don't fancy me, and people whom I don't fancy, and I don't expect there will be too many fish left in the sea.

(googles a florist to buy flowers for DW)

Sandrayeo Thu 25-Apr-19 13:56:57

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking: IKWYM but, the general stats don't really apply to my particular situation. I'm of African descent, born and raised in western Africa. I have 0 problem dating outside of my race, it just never happened. Why ? because (I think), most non black men are not attracted to me and that's OK.

So now I'm left with African men. Lot of them (let say 50%), especially those in this industry, prefer non black women. So now I'm left with 50% of the black men there. If you take out the married/committed ones, the gay ones and those who want to date younger/childless women...
You can meet someone in your 20s and early 30s but if things don't work out or if you miss that train, it's almost impossible to find someone new, in THIS particular segment. I met my ex at work, we were both interns. We were together for years but split over "irreconcilable differences " grin

In my case, finding someone inside the city bubble is no longer an option

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 22:21:49

"the statistics back this up."

Which statistics? We're talking about whether people want to stay single or not, not the number of single people.

RuffleCrow Sun 21-Apr-19 18:17:08

I'm 38 and single for 5 years. I agree those stats are about many women choosing to be single. Before i had dcs I was willing to compromise myself, went out with men i didn't fancy just for the ego boost. If i was happy doing that now I wouldn't be single.

septembersunshine Sun 21-Apr-19 17:58:16

You will have trouble verifying the degree requirement. What would you say to him
... show me your certificate? He could easily just say he has a degree.

That aside op good luck with your search. Try and socialise with friends too. You may meet someone that way too.

Iris1654 Sun 21-Apr-19 17:19:31

Gwenhwfar It is true, it’s very true.
In my 30’s I wanted. Children/ husband / the dream.

Now I’m over 40, we’ll I have children, money, my own house, time off every other weekend. ( living the dream ladies, just didn’t realise, at 30, that this is preferable)

What would a man bring me? Compromise, more cleaning? Better to have a lover imho.
Men need women more than women need men!

formerbabe Sun 21-Apr-19 17:15:19

I think it's fine...not unrealistic at all

If you were asking for a 25 year old male model with no baggage who is a millionaire then yeah, that would be unrealistic.

You're basically asking for a divorced dad with a degree and a decent job...I'm sure there's plenty of them about.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 21-Apr-19 17:13:26

I’m an executive manager in a bank

Things must have changed! All the years I spent in the city, everyone was at it! 70% of the company must have inter married (2,000 odd people), divorced, remarried someone else . Isnt there vaguely anyone at work who fits the bill?

WitsEnding Sun 21-Apr-19 17:06:21

I'm a single parent well over 40, got lots of single female friends and very few want a full time living together relationship.

You get very used to having your own space and total autonomy.

OP YANBU. I select for same level of education and similar circumstances to my own.

SilverySurfer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:58:32

Gwenhwyfar
Definitely not true. I've read about single mums who want to stay single on MN. When it comes to women in their 40s who are not mothers, or whose children are grown up, I don't know ANYONE in real life who's single and wants to stay single. Every single person I know, male and female, would like to meet someone. How badly and whether they do much about it varies, but all would like to meet someone.

You obviously know different people to me. I have two friends whose children have flown the nest and after divorce they remain resolutely single. They may have a fling occasionally but are not interested in anything more serious. I couldn't have children, after my last long-term relationship ended I decided no more and am still single in my 70s.

Oh and the statistics back this up.

feelingsinister Sun 21-Apr-19 10:37:54

I thought you were being very picky initially OP but having seen your update I think you're being really sensible especially as you haven't put these preferences on your profile.

I've known a few relationships flounder when the woman starts to earn more than her partner but that isn't about income it's about the person's character and their insecurities. My partner wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if I overtook his income (which I might do in 5ish years), he'd be proud and happy but not in any way threatened or emasculated.

I guess what I'm saying is, keep these standards in mind but get to know the person too. Not every bloke is going to feel like that and I know lots of educated, white collar high earners who are absolute arseholes and I expect you do too given your job.

GruffaIo Sun 21-Apr-19 09:47:46

You mention your heritage, OP. Does this article apply at all, albeit that it's mainly discussing the US context? www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/08/dark-skinned-black-girls-dont-get-married

BattenburgIsland Sun 21-Apr-19 09:31:48

I might loosen up on the qualifications bit tbh.... not because you're a single mum and have to make do (you dont, you deserve a man who fits your needs, and there will be one out there for you) but because you might discount many lovely men this way. I can see why you have put that... you want someone you can talk to and is intelligent... but actually it's not always an indicator of intelligence and ambition to have gone to uni and have a white collar job... there are plenty of engaging and ambitious people who did not go down that road.
My husband has a masters and is studying for a phd... but I dont even have A levels! That's just not the road I went down. We share loads of interests. In the arts mainly. We can certainly talk to each other!
Dont discount people straight away because of qualifications.... meet them and decide from that!

And NO! You do not have to lower your standards because you are a single mum. In a way its helpful because it will sort out the bellends from the gold straight away! A lot of timewaster dickheads wont contact you... which is actually a good thing!

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:46

I'm a professional, fairly high earner, I don't necessarily expect a man to be the same in fact the man I'm dating currently isn't, but having a job and being able to support himself (and any children) in his own home is essential. I wouldn't write that in an OLD profile, it's something you screen for.

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:29

OP has said she wouldn't put it on her profile

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:53

Should add I met my husband there!

I was a 34 year old single mother. We’re happily married with an 11 week old son.

SlappingJoffrey Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:20

I think that's a reasonable point actually. If OP asks for a certain level of education and employment and doesn't give this information herself, that's going to lead some people to wonder whether she's doing it because she isn't bringing the same to the table. The term gold digger is gross but clearly people use it, and clearly people are aware that some individuals are specifically looking to 'marry up'. It wouldn't surprise me if someone had thought this about OP, given the information she's put on her profile.

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:42

I added degree level education to my dating requirements on POF. Nothing wrong with it.

mabelsgarden Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:34

@Sandrayeo

Yeah, putting 'I want a man with a bachelor degree and a white collar job' will definitely limit your options. Many men like this may not be looking for a 40 y.o. single mother; (even if the single mother is professional and well educated.)

Your wording is too picky IMO, and as a few posters have said, it sounds like you only want a man who is wealthy . I would change your wording as @Atalune suggested...

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile.....

Professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Although I have to agree with the posters saying that some men without a degree are just as intelligent and driven and successful. Don't limit your options, or, as many posters have said, be prepared to be waiting a long time for a 'suitable man.'

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists...

Ignore this! What a terrible thing for someone to publish. Have they got facts and figures for this?!

Good luck!

CupOhTea Sun 21-Apr-19 09:24:54

No, I don’t think yabu. I would also tend to prefer men with degrees, even if their jobs were not white collar iyswim. Maybe one or the other, (white collar job or degree), but not necessarily both, would be my preference, (hypothetically, seeing as I’m married). I wouldn’t rule people out over it necessarily, but I would tend to gravitate to people who are similar to me and seeing as you are a degree educated executive, it isn’t surprising that you’d seek similar in a partner. I don’t think there’s much wrong with that.

I wouldn’t want to date another parent necessarily though. What if it became a serious relationship and you then have to go down the whole blended family road? Also, you’d probably come into contact with his ex, which depending on how things are, could be awkward at points. I wouldn’t say not to date a parent, but personally I wouldn’t seek it out.

There must be lots of single men out there who don’t want to have children at all.

senbei Sun 21-Apr-19 09:22:49

And I can't believe you've been accused on gold digging on here (not likely with your job, ha ha!). Haven't we come further than this? confused And would a man be accused of this, if he was on the lookout for a similarly educated woman?

I'm assuming you're talking about my post up there. Thing is, I'm not accusing the OP of gold-digging, I'm just saying that it's possible that she may come across that way. Just browse through Instagram and Twitter for eg, and you'll see screenshots of Tinder profiles where SOME women have all these criteria about how successful a man must be all the while not being able to bring the same to the table.

It's not a personal dig at the OP at all. Unless she explicitly states her job on whatever dating site she's on, how will they know? It's not ideal, yes. But when something is so prevalent online (maybe it's confirmation bias too since we do unfortunately remember the ones that do this instead of the thousands that don't), people do tend to take that into account.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sun 21-Apr-19 09:22:38

would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

I'd read that as he has to have money, it's going to put a lot off.

KC225 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:21:06

My brother -52 no degree but successful in his own field, has never wanted is marrying a 50 year old (lovely) woman divorced with grown up children. Her daughter will be the maid of honour and her son is walking her down the aisle.

A friend of a friend also met a single dad at her sons football training/games every Saturday.

Don't be too ridgid, some people may be put off by the list even if they fufil the list. As the poster above said, the trick is to talk as many as possible and weed out the fast food addicted golfers quickly.

SlappingJoffrey Sun 21-Apr-19 09:15:31

It's never unreasonable to have requirements in a partner, and fwiw I totally see why a single parent would feel someone else with children might be more on the same page.

However, inevitably you're going to be excluding people who you might otherwise have a decent chance of a relationship with. There's nothing wrong in that, but be aware of it. If enough people look at your profile, some of them are going to be people who like the look of you, but don't contact you because they think you won't want them.

I would also agree with the pp who said that if you're asking for these things you should probably put that information out there about yourself. A man who is also at the same work level as you and wants someone in a similar role can't consider you if you don't tell him you tick his boxes.

Also in your second post, you seem effectively to be asking if you're pricing yourself out of the market. That's a possibility yes, but it's not one that anyone on here can really answer without seeing and meeting you tbh. Perfectly possible that your problem is your profile rather than your requirements.

In terms of being black, I suppose it may shrink the pool a bit, because black people are presumably in a minority on the sites and apps, and there are some people who don't want an interracial relationship. So if 10% of people on the sites only want a partner of the same race, that will affect you more because most of them will be white. But not a lot you can do about your ethnicity! Are you open to all ethnic groups yourself?

Inliverpool1 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:10:33

Gwenhwyfar - well no it’s not opinion it’s fact.

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