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To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

(94 Posts)
Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:25:29

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

mabelsgarden Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:34

@Sandrayeo

Yeah, putting 'I want a man with a bachelor degree and a white collar job' will definitely limit your options. Many men like this may not be looking for a 40 y.o. single mother; (even if the single mother is professional and well educated.)

Your wording is too picky IMO, and as a few posters have said, it sounds like you only want a man who is wealthy . I would change your wording as @Atalune suggested...

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile.....

Professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Although I have to agree with the posters saying that some men without a degree are just as intelligent and driven and successful. Don't limit your options, or, as many posters have said, be prepared to be waiting a long time for a 'suitable man.'

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists...

Ignore this! What a terrible thing for someone to publish. Have they got facts and figures for this?!

Good luck!

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:42

I added degree level education to my dating requirements on POF. Nothing wrong with it.

SlappingJoffrey Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:20

I think that's a reasonable point actually. If OP asks for a certain level of education and employment and doesn't give this information herself, that's going to lead some people to wonder whether she's doing it because she isn't bringing the same to the table. The term gold digger is gross but clearly people use it, and clearly people are aware that some individuals are specifically looking to 'marry up'. It wouldn't surprise me if someone had thought this about OP, given the information she's put on her profile.

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:53

Should add I met my husband there!

I was a 34 year old single mother. We’re happily married with an 11 week old son.

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:29

OP has said she wouldn't put it on her profile

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:46

I'm a professional, fairly high earner, I don't necessarily expect a man to be the same in fact the man I'm dating currently isn't, but having a job and being able to support himself (and any children) in his own home is essential. I wouldn't write that in an OLD profile, it's something you screen for.

BattenburgIsland Sun 21-Apr-19 09:31:48

I might loosen up on the qualifications bit tbh.... not because you're a single mum and have to make do (you dont, you deserve a man who fits your needs, and there will be one out there for you) but because you might discount many lovely men this way. I can see why you have put that... you want someone you can talk to and is intelligent... but actually it's not always an indicator of intelligence and ambition to have gone to uni and have a white collar job... there are plenty of engaging and ambitious people who did not go down that road.
My husband has a masters and is studying for a phd... but I dont even have A levels! That's just not the road I went down. We share loads of interests. In the arts mainly. We can certainly talk to each other!
Dont discount people straight away because of qualifications.... meet them and decide from that!

And NO! You do not have to lower your standards because you are a single mum. In a way its helpful because it will sort out the bellends from the gold straight away! A lot of timewaster dickheads wont contact you... which is actually a good thing!

GruffaIo Sun 21-Apr-19 09:47:46

You mention your heritage, OP. Does this article apply at all, albeit that it's mainly discussing the US context? www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/08/dark-skinned-black-girls-dont-get-married

feelingsinister Sun 21-Apr-19 10:37:54

I thought you were being very picky initially OP but having seen your update I think you're being really sensible especially as you haven't put these preferences on your profile.

I've known a few relationships flounder when the woman starts to earn more than her partner but that isn't about income it's about the person's character and their insecurities. My partner wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if I overtook his income (which I might do in 5ish years), he'd be proud and happy but not in any way threatened or emasculated.

I guess what I'm saying is, keep these standards in mind but get to know the person too. Not every bloke is going to feel like that and I know lots of educated, white collar high earners who are absolute arseholes and I expect you do too given your job.

SilverySurfer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:58:32

Gwenhwyfar
Definitely not true. I've read about single mums who want to stay single on MN. When it comes to women in their 40s who are not mothers, or whose children are grown up, I don't know ANYONE in real life who's single and wants to stay single. Every single person I know, male and female, would like to meet someone. How badly and whether they do much about it varies, but all would like to meet someone.

You obviously know different people to me. I have two friends whose children have flown the nest and after divorce they remain resolutely single. They may have a fling occasionally but are not interested in anything more serious. I couldn't have children, after my last long-term relationship ended I decided no more and am still single in my 70s.

Oh and the statistics back this up.

WitsEnding Sun 21-Apr-19 17:06:21

I'm a single parent well over 40, got lots of single female friends and very few want a full time living together relationship.

You get very used to having your own space and total autonomy.

OP YANBU. I select for same level of education and similar circumstances to my own.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 21-Apr-19 17:13:26

I’m an executive manager in a bank

Things must have changed! All the years I spent in the city, everyone was at it! 70% of the company must have inter married (2,000 odd people), divorced, remarried someone else . Isnt there vaguely anyone at work who fits the bill?

formerbabe Sun 21-Apr-19 17:15:19

I think it's fine...not unrealistic at all

If you were asking for a 25 year old male model with no baggage who is a millionaire then yeah, that would be unrealistic.

You're basically asking for a divorced dad with a degree and a decent job...I'm sure there's plenty of them about.

Iris1654 Sun 21-Apr-19 17:19:31

Gwenhwfar It is true, it’s very true.
In my 30’s I wanted. Children/ husband / the dream.

Now I’m over 40, we’ll I have children, money, my own house, time off every other weekend. ( living the dream ladies, just didn’t realise, at 30, that this is preferable)

What would a man bring me? Compromise, more cleaning? Better to have a lover imho.
Men need women more than women need men!

septembersunshine Sun 21-Apr-19 17:58:16

You will have trouble verifying the degree requirement. What would you say to him
... show me your certificate? He could easily just say he has a degree.

That aside op good luck with your search. Try and socialise with friends too. You may meet someone that way too.

RuffleCrow Sun 21-Apr-19 18:17:08

I'm 38 and single for 5 years. I agree those stats are about many women choosing to be single. Before i had dcs I was willing to compromise myself, went out with men i didn't fancy just for the ego boost. If i was happy doing that now I wouldn't be single.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 22:21:49

"the statistics back this up."

Which statistics? We're talking about whether people want to stay single or not, not the number of single people.

Sandrayeo Thu 25-Apr-19 13:56:57

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking: IKWYM but, the general stats don't really apply to my particular situation. I'm of African descent, born and raised in western Africa. I have 0 problem dating outside of my race, it just never happened. Why ? because (I think), most non black men are not attracted to me and that's OK.

So now I'm left with African men. Lot of them (let say 50%), especially those in this industry, prefer non black women. So now I'm left with 50% of the black men there. If you take out the married/committed ones, the gay ones and those who want to date younger/childless women...
You can meet someone in your 20s and early 30s but if things don't work out or if you miss that train, it's almost impossible to find someone new, in THIS particular segment. I met my ex at work, we were both interns. We were together for years but split over "irreconcilable differences " grin

In my case, finding someone inside the city bubble is no longer an option

BadLad Thu 25-Apr-19 14:12:33

Nothing wrong with having filters, although it will limit your options, obviously.

If I'm ever single again, there will be very slim pickings, as, like you, I only want to date people with degrees. But, unlike you, I win't consider anyone with kids. Subtract people who don't fancy me, and people whom I don't fancy, and I don't expect there will be too many fish left in the sea.

(googles a florist to buy flowers for DW)

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