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To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

(94 Posts)
Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:25:29

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

adriennewillfly Sun 21-Apr-19 07:43:10

You shouldn't settle for someone you don't like, but your list of attributes is a bit over the top. What if you met someone who was 35 (or 55), no degree, no kids and a blue collar job, that was otherwise a perfect match?

Dieu Sun 21-Apr-19 07:43:14

Definitely be selective, OP. And never, ever settle. You deserve more. Better to be on your own for the short term, than with the wrong person for the long haul.
You keep your standards high, especially given your relationship history. It will stand you in good stead.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 21-Apr-19 07:44:24

Men who don't want children are not likely to want to settle down with a single parent. It is not a red flag to want to date someone in similar circumstances confused. I dated lots of men without children and none of them understood the demands on my time with my dc and none of those relationships went anywhere. At 37, I met someone (two years younger) with two dc. I am now 38 and we live together. He has a professional job but dropped out of university because of a job opportunity that came up. So don't lower your standards, but be flexible. Our joint income has meant we can provide a much better life for our dc.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 21-Apr-19 07:46:53

As a previously single parent who had a horrible time with Ex-H and have met the most wonderful man on OLD. I focused on my interests and what I wanted to share with someone. Again like others my Ex would have ticked your boxes.
I think you need to be open to a variety of different people, my DP for a variety of reasons was quite closed about his job on-line and mainly talked about his interests. Through OLD DP would not have satisfied your criteria, but in real life on meeting him you would discover he did apart from children.

Teateaandmoretea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:47:20

PMSL at 'white collar job' I haven't heard that term for years. That said its fine imo to want someone with a bit of drive.

Its interesting because I think women in their mid 40s plus are probably under quite a bit of demand from men who don't want children for whatever reason so time is on your side.

Not sure why you would discount a man without children though, in many ways it would be more straightforward if he didnt.

Its strange I've never OLD'd. In my day you fancied the bloke before you even found any of this out wink

Moomoomoomoomoo Sun 21-Apr-19 07:47:51

A single friend of mine who hasn’t had a relationship for years has requirements such as a degree etc. Never meets anyone that is not up to her strict criteria. It’s really frustrating as there could be dates out there she could have had but won’t because they don’t have a degree. Don’t be like that.

RuffleCrow Sun 21-Apr-19 07:50:27

I don't really understand this thing about men not fancying women over 35. I'm bisexual and have been attracted to lots of women over that age 'barrier' and fall into that category myself. Life experience adds to a person's sexiness imo. Then again it depends entirely on the individual - either you feel that spark or you don't.

QuickQuestion2019 Sun 21-Apr-19 07:53:06

Perfectly reasonable list of requirements. I'm a similar age and the same. Took a year, but persistence paid off.

Teateaandmoretea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:56:22

either you feel that spark or you don't

True enough but OLD will stop that if you bar anyone over 35. Its a strange world we live in grin

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 21-Apr-19 07:58:36

In my experience it really isn't true that men only fancy women under 35. It is a misogynistic myth.

SinkGirl Sun 21-Apr-19 08:00:12

I have a degree. My DH doesn’t but he is just as intelligent as I am - he didn’t have the same opportunities I did growing up, but he worked very hard to get into very competitive industries, twice. Knowing what I know, I wouldn’t make a degree a dealbreaker.

I totally understand wanting someone with kids though when you have kids yourself.

PregnantSea Sun 21-Apr-19 08:02:36

Be as selective as you like, you're certainly not worth less because you have children. That's silly. Don't settle for anyone.

Just bear in mind that what you want on paper and what works for you in real life are often two very different things. People need to have chemistry and you won't know if you have that unless you meet someone for a coffee/beer and a chat.

silvercuckoo Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:06

What's OLD? Sorry for an idiotic question.

Fairylea Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:43

OLD - online dating

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:51

Your list is my absolute bare minimum, and I'm older than you with more dc.

I wouldn't specify it on my profile though, it would look like a bit of a shopping list. You can find out easily enough once you're chatting.

Luckily I still look fairly decent, as I also want someone I find attractive.

I'd rather be single than compromise.

I mix generally with younger people and I've had masses of attention from much younger men, for what it's worth. They're not mature enough to be suitable for a relationship (and they wouldn't want that either) but it's a nice distraction until a suitable man comes along smile

Purplecatshopaholic Sun 21-Apr-19 08:04:33

Just as a matter of interest, why is being single terrifying? I am bloody loving it! Cheating Ex has been binned and for the first time in over 20 years I am on my own and its great! I will date in future but not in that place yet - I guess online is the way to do it these days (now that is the terrifying bit - never done that before!) Hope you meet someone nice OP

Danglingmod Sun 21-Apr-19 08:06:52

Another who thinks the picky bit is the degree... Men at the upper end of your age limit are far less likely to have gone to university. Far fewer people did 30 odd years ago. My dh (mid 50s) didn't go to University but still had a "white collar" career and is just as intelligent as me (who did).

The kids thing is totally understandable.

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:03

The dating thread on the relationships board is the best place for OLD advice. My advice would be to keep an open mind, set standards not criteria and have fun.

Atalune Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:24

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile....

Me, professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Treacletoots Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:48

Agree about the degree. You're not recruiting for an employee.

Otherwise, don't settle. I'd spend my time enjoying being single and really accepting that you're fine on your own and you don't NEED a partner.

Then, usually the right one turns up.

Dont settle. Ever.

MonkeyToesOfDoom Sun 21-Apr-19 08:10:18

Read your profile OP.
Then imagine a man had it on his profile, would you message him?

Besides. Degrees, jobs, incomes, it's all bollocks. What happens if you get ill? Lose your job? Struggle to find another?

I'd rather have a decent, honest and reliable unqualified partner than worry about what degree and job they do, comes across as shallow gold digging.

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 08:11:18

The kids thing is very normal, single men without kids don't understand why you're not available when it suits them (ditto female friends without kids), even some men who only have their kids the odd night and EOW seem to struggle to understand.

Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 08:12:45

Thank you all for your answers

The reason why I would rather date someone with children is because I think a dad would be more understanding of my life style. My child is still very young and needs a lot of attention so I’m not as «available» as I used to be. The other thing is I struggled to have my son and probably can’t have another child. So if I date someone who wants one, it’s a problème and if I date someone who doesn’t want children at all, why would he want to care for someone else’s child ?

I don’t mention education or job preferences on my profile. I chat and try to find out. I’m an executive manager in a bank. When I was younger, and an associate, I dated men from different types of backgrounds. What I realized is 90% of the time, when I was more educated and/or making more money, it would become an issue. «You think you’re better than me», «you want to be the man in this relationship...». I would end up walking in egg shells all the time. I would refrain myself from saying some things so I wouldn’t come across as «miss know it all»
. When I dated men with the same type of education, I never had that problem.

I’m not on apps for people my age. I was told Tinder as more of a hook up culture so...I don’t know why I don’t get more contacts. Maybe I’m just not attractive enough... maybe being of African descent shrinks my pool a lot more ?

HBStowe Sun 21-Apr-19 08:15:57

I think it’s absolutely fine for you to know what you want and to refuse to settle for someone who isn’t right for you just because you don’t want to be single. Doesn’t matter what it is you’re looking for - it’s ok to know what you want and to refuse to entertain anyone who doesn’t match up to that.

And remember - far, far better to be single than to be with the wrong person because you were worried about the alternative.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sun 21-Apr-19 08:17:13

I wonder if your "requirements" might suggest you are looking for someone who will be able to financially support you? I'm sure this is not the case, but it could look that way. Also of course it is only reasonable if you yourself have a degree and professional job.

The children thing is fine - presumably you want someone who likes kids but doesn't want any more.

In general, men like to date younger, and successful men more so. They also place more value on looks, so basically you can demand more if you are obviously attractive.

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