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To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

(94 Posts)
Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:25:29

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:17

What app are you? that seems really odd as I recently joined tinder and I have no picture up (was just browsing) and Ive had 5 messages already and thats with no
pic confused

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:38

what app are you on*

MandalaYogaTapestry Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:41

Is that what you are? With a degree and a white collar job? If so, not unreasonable at all. 40 is no age.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-19 00:32:28

Do you have a bachelor degree and a white collar job? Is that why you're looking for the male equivalent?

Also are you sure you don't have any physical requirements whatsoever?

SandyY2K Sun 21-Apr-19 00:44:22

Regardless of your age and being a single mum, I'd say the person and their personality is more important than their qualifications and job.

I think by putting those 2 things, ppl may feel you're after money. I'm not saying you are.

Ppl can advance in their careers without formal qualifications and you are eliminating a large proportion of men with stipulating the qualification.

A man in the age category you've stated, especially the lower age range can easily get a younger woman... so if you come across as fussy, it can be offputting to decent men.

Just my $0.02

AtSea1979 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:52:38

I’m also a 39 yo single mum who has recently started dating. Depends what app you are on I suppose as i’m on a common one where the woman has to make first contact and I find that works well with simple block and move on options. 70% of women who are single in their 40s and stay that way are probably happy being single and not looking. It doesn’t frighten me at all, I like being single but I do wonder what i’ll do with myself once my kids have moved out.

Sirzy Sun 21-Apr-19 00:55:25

I guess it depends how much you want to meet someone.

Specifying the job/qualifications to that level will come across as quite snobby which will probably put many off

greenlloon Sun 21-Apr-19 01:01:49

to be honest it sets red flags with me that you want someone with children why?

VladmirsPoutine Sun 21-Apr-19 01:01:58

Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me?

Don't settle - no-one wants to be anyone else's 'oh, well I suppose you'll do' fall back plan.

Your list of requirements don't sound all that egregious to me. Some women your age want a 25yr old Italian exchange student. Just keep your wits about you and your feet on the ground.

LikeDolphinsCanSwim Sun 21-Apr-19 01:02:37

Why the need for a degree?

I have two of them, DP doesn't have any. It's not a problem. There are a long list of qualities that are much more important, including physical attraction. You do actually have to fancy him. Otherwise, it looks like you are looking for a meal ticket.

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Sun 21-Apr-19 01:03:36

Specifying the job/qualifications to that level will come across as quite snobby which will probably put many off
Or encourage dishonesty.

One of my BFs dipped her toe into the OLD world. She's quite a catch - a senior management position, her own house, a lovely car, decent holidays (she's also very pretty). And she wanted similar in a partner.
What she got were a load of shady con-artists. Some of which she fell for.

My advice would be to strip away ANYTHING material, and completely focus on the PERSON. Age, job, education. Are any of those important? If you like them and they're someone you can talk to/vibe off? Even your point about travelling. If there was someone PERFECT for you, who'd never left his town of birth, would it matter? It might be something you bring out of him at a later date.

And, no. 39 isn't too old to just settle for anyone.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 21-Apr-19 01:03:43

I'm trying to think what I would think if I read that "at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job". I have those and I feel like I would think it was a little exclusionary. Which, by the way is fine. But I think I'd be a bit put off.

I've dated a hairdresser, a barrister, musician, journalist etc. Some had degrees and some didn't. As long as they are passionate about what they do, pay their own way and treat me well, do I care? Not sure why I would.

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 01:04:03

Alot of single parents want to date someone thats also a parent as they have more understanding of what being a single parent means. Its really very common and not a “red flag” maybe would be if the person was childless wanting to date a single parent would be weird.

personally im a single parent who wouldnt want to date someone with kids

MrsTeaspoon Sun 21-Apr-19 07:16:19

Well I definitely wouldn’t reply to that profile! I have more than one degree, my husband has ex has a doctorate and is a truly horrible person. Job and qualifications has no bearing on character/morals and by stipulating them you simply wikk come across as grasping/shallow/bigoted to many.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 21-Apr-19 07:24:46

to be honest it sets red flags with me that you want someone with children why? no it doesn’t, lots of parents I know who are single prefer to date someone with children either because they don’t want more or more often because they will understand the pressures on their time etc.

As for your requirements OP- are you expecting to travel? (Or so you just like a holiday like the rest of us). Your demands aren’t unareasonable as such, a bit naive maybe that a degree and an office job=security or intelligence. But you are certainly allowed to have preferences

Angellucy07 Sun 21-Apr-19 07:24:58

I'm a similar age and single mum.
Full time carer to my youngest who is severely disabled.
I didn't try dating apps as I knew it wouldn't be fair in the circumstances.
Then against all odds, it just happened! Naturally!
He's amazing with my little one.

donajimena Sun 21-Apr-19 07:32:06

The degree/white collar thing I think is a bit much. I know someone two people who married builders. They have fantastic lives and travel all the time. You don't need to lower your 'standards' (I think that is quite rude) you need to broaden your horizons.

pinkyredrose Sun 21-Apr-19 07:32:32

Why have they got to have children? You could be missing out on great men who don't want children. And a white collar job? Again, why? You know there are many great roles in creative industries, engineering, science etc that aren't typical white collar jobs.

You seem rather closed minded and snobby. Not suprised you're not getting any attention.

pisspants Sun 21-Apr-19 07:34:16

OP I had similar list of requirements but didnt mention them in my profile, but you quickly find out when you get chatting. The aim really is to chat to as many people as possible and then some you get a good connection with and may end up on a date with. And repeat and repeat until you hopefully meet someone.
I found a lot of the travel type guys were very do do do at the weekends and whereas I love travelling it's obviously not something you can do all the time and my weekends are a bit more low key nowadays! I think I began to see it more as a mind set really - someone outward looking, adventurous and open minded. I actually dumped one guy after a couple of months as he only ate fast food really and only wanted to go on golfing holidays.
I was very lucky in meeting my bf who is my soulmate at 40 having dated for 4 years beforehand. He only lived down the road! We fit so well together there is no way I could have ever listed and hoped for all that he is and what we have together.

Fairylea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:35:37

I think you are wrong for wanting someone with a degree and children of their own. Why are those things so important? Whether someone has a degree or not doesn’t actually say much about their intelligence- people choose other paths, don’t have the choices others do, background experiences etc (for example I didn’t go to university because I was a carer for my Gran who had bowel cancer, I was accepted into 5 top universities and turned them all down, I was all she had).

When I started online dating aged 30 I was open minded - I was a single mum with a 6 year old dd. I actually preferred to meet someone without children as I already had one annoying ex to deal with! I ended up meeting now dh who was 22 at the time and living on his mums sofa after he decided university wasn’t for him...

We’ve now been married nearly 10 years, have a son together and I’m a happy sahm after dhs climbed the ranks in his career.

Sometimes you just have to get to know people.

swingofthings Sun 21-Apr-19 07:37:29

Yes, you are limiting yourself a lot. Why the bachelor degree? Many men are very clever and educated with a good career but haven't gone to Uni.

In the end, it's up to you, limit yourself and risk passing by wonderful men, or limit yourself to avoid meeting totally ineligible men so the whole thing doesn't get you down.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 21-Apr-19 07:39:21

I really don’t get the issue of OP wanting a man with his own children - she feels it would be an important aspect of lives that they have in common.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 21-Apr-19 07:41:14

I was dating as a single mum in my late 30's, my expectations were similar although I then got together with someone I'd known for years and assumed had a degree from his profession. I was gobsmacked when it came out that he didn't, but it didn't change who he was. He had just taken the 1 year college route into our profession rather than the degree route which was much more prevalent when I did it a few years later than him.

I was then dating again as a single mum in my mid-40's and again had similar expectations, but met a man who left school at 17, did a YTS and then joined the RAF as a trainee technician. He is kind, clever, makes me laugh, reads alot - just didn't get on with academia at school.

I married the 1st (he died) and am a year into my relationship with the 2nd.
So my experience as a late 30's and onwards single mum has definately not been having to be less picky and go for any man willing to settle for me!

funnylittlefloozie Sun 21-Apr-19 07:42:17

I met my ex at uni. He has a degree, a white collar job and a six-figure salary. He is also a total arsehole.

My current BF has 3 O-levels. He works insanely hard in a blue-collar, public sector job - in fact, he is at work today. He is kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate and treats me like the most important thing in his life.

Don't focus too narrowly on material things. People who specify material things (appearances, money, etc) on dating profiles leave themselves vulnerable to predators. Anyone can be an investment banker. Not anyone can be a decent loving human being.

Broaden your horizons. You can be picky later on.

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