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To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

(94 Posts)
Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 00:25:29

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:17

What app are you? that seems really odd as I recently joined tinder and I have no picture up (was just browsing) and Ive had 5 messages already and thats with no
pic confused

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:38

what app are you on*

MandalaYogaTapestry Sun 21-Apr-19 00:28:41

Is that what you are? With a degree and a white collar job? If so, not unreasonable at all. 40 is no age.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-19 00:32:28

Do you have a bachelor degree and a white collar job? Is that why you're looking for the male equivalent?

Also are you sure you don't have any physical requirements whatsoever?

SandyY2K Sun 21-Apr-19 00:44:22

Regardless of your age and being a single mum, I'd say the person and their personality is more important than their qualifications and job.

I think by putting those 2 things, ppl may feel you're after money. I'm not saying you are.

Ppl can advance in their careers without formal qualifications and you are eliminating a large proportion of men with stipulating the qualification.

A man in the age category you've stated, especially the lower age range can easily get a younger woman... so if you come across as fussy, it can be offputting to decent men.

Just my $0.02

AtSea1979 Sun 21-Apr-19 00:52:38

I’m also a 39 yo single mum who has recently started dating. Depends what app you are on I suppose as i’m on a common one where the woman has to make first contact and I find that works well with simple block and move on options. 70% of women who are single in their 40s and stay that way are probably happy being single and not looking. It doesn’t frighten me at all, I like being single but I do wonder what i’ll do with myself once my kids have moved out.

Sirzy Sun 21-Apr-19 00:55:25

I guess it depends how much you want to meet someone.

Specifying the job/qualifications to that level will come across as quite snobby which will probably put many off

greenlloon Sun 21-Apr-19 01:01:49

to be honest it sets red flags with me that you want someone with children why?

VladmirsPoutine Sun 21-Apr-19 01:01:58

Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me?

Don't settle - no-one wants to be anyone else's 'oh, well I suppose you'll do' fall back plan.

Your list of requirements don't sound all that egregious to me. Some women your age want a 25yr old Italian exchange student. Just keep your wits about you and your feet on the ground.

LikeDolphinsCanSwim Sun 21-Apr-19 01:02:37

Why the need for a degree?

I have two of them, DP doesn't have any. It's not a problem. There are a long list of qualities that are much more important, including physical attraction. You do actually have to fancy him. Otherwise, it looks like you are looking for a meal ticket.

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Sun 21-Apr-19 01:03:36

Specifying the job/qualifications to that level will come across as quite snobby which will probably put many off
Or encourage dishonesty.

One of my BFs dipped her toe into the OLD world. She's quite a catch - a senior management position, her own house, a lovely car, decent holidays (she's also very pretty). And she wanted similar in a partner.
What she got were a load of shady con-artists. Some of which she fell for.

My advice would be to strip away ANYTHING material, and completely focus on the PERSON. Age, job, education. Are any of those important? If you like them and they're someone you can talk to/vibe off? Even your point about travelling. If there was someone PERFECT for you, who'd never left his town of birth, would it matter? It might be something you bring out of him at a later date.

And, no. 39 isn't too old to just settle for anyone.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 21-Apr-19 01:03:43

I'm trying to think what I would think if I read that "at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job". I have those and I feel like I would think it was a little exclusionary. Which, by the way is fine. But I think I'd be a bit put off.

I've dated a hairdresser, a barrister, musician, journalist etc. Some had degrees and some didn't. As long as they are passionate about what they do, pay their own way and treat me well, do I care? Not sure why I would.

CupcakeDrama Sun 21-Apr-19 01:04:03

Alot of single parents want to date someone thats also a parent as they have more understanding of what being a single parent means. Its really very common and not a “red flag” maybe would be if the person was childless wanting to date a single parent would be weird.

personally im a single parent who wouldnt want to date someone with kids

MrsTeaspoon Sun 21-Apr-19 07:16:19

Well I definitely wouldn’t reply to that profile! I have more than one degree, my husband has ex has a doctorate and is a truly horrible person. Job and qualifications has no bearing on character/morals and by stipulating them you simply wikk come across as grasping/shallow/bigoted to many.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 21-Apr-19 07:24:46

to be honest it sets red flags with me that you want someone with children why? no it doesn’t, lots of parents I know who are single prefer to date someone with children either because they don’t want more or more often because they will understand the pressures on their time etc.

As for your requirements OP- are you expecting to travel? (Or so you just like a holiday like the rest of us). Your demands aren’t unareasonable as such, a bit naive maybe that a degree and an office job=security or intelligence. But you are certainly allowed to have preferences

Angellucy07 Sun 21-Apr-19 07:24:58

I'm a similar age and single mum.
Full time carer to my youngest who is severely disabled.
I didn't try dating apps as I knew it wouldn't be fair in the circumstances.
Then against all odds, it just happened! Naturally!
He's amazing with my little one.

donajimena Sun 21-Apr-19 07:32:06

The degree/white collar thing I think is a bit much. I know someone two people who married builders. They have fantastic lives and travel all the time. You don't need to lower your 'standards' (I think that is quite rude) you need to broaden your horizons.

pinkyredrose Sun 21-Apr-19 07:32:32

Why have they got to have children? You could be missing out on great men who don't want children. And a white collar job? Again, why? You know there are many great roles in creative industries, engineering, science etc that aren't typical white collar jobs.

You seem rather closed minded and snobby. Not suprised you're not getting any attention.

pisspants Sun 21-Apr-19 07:34:16

OP I had similar list of requirements but didnt mention them in my profile, but you quickly find out when you get chatting. The aim really is to chat to as many people as possible and then some you get a good connection with and may end up on a date with. And repeat and repeat until you hopefully meet someone.
I found a lot of the travel type guys were very do do do at the weekends and whereas I love travelling it's obviously not something you can do all the time and my weekends are a bit more low key nowadays! I think I began to see it more as a mind set really - someone outward looking, adventurous and open minded. I actually dumped one guy after a couple of months as he only ate fast food really and only wanted to go on golfing holidays.
I was very lucky in meeting my bf who is my soulmate at 40 having dated for 4 years beforehand. He only lived down the road! We fit so well together there is no way I could have ever listed and hoped for all that he is and what we have together.

Fairylea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:35:37

I think you are wrong for wanting someone with a degree and children of their own. Why are those things so important? Whether someone has a degree or not doesn’t actually say much about their intelligence- people choose other paths, don’t have the choices others do, background experiences etc (for example I didn’t go to university because I was a carer for my Gran who had bowel cancer, I was accepted into 5 top universities and turned them all down, I was all she had).

When I started online dating aged 30 I was open minded - I was a single mum with a 6 year old dd. I actually preferred to meet someone without children as I already had one annoying ex to deal with! I ended up meeting now dh who was 22 at the time and living on his mums sofa after he decided university wasn’t for him...

We’ve now been married nearly 10 years, have a son together and I’m a happy sahm after dhs climbed the ranks in his career.

Sometimes you just have to get to know people.

swingofthings Sun 21-Apr-19 07:37:29

Yes, you are limiting yourself a lot. Why the bachelor degree? Many men are very clever and educated with a good career but haven't gone to Uni.

In the end, it's up to you, limit yourself and risk passing by wonderful men, or limit yourself to avoid meeting totally ineligible men so the whole thing doesn't get you down.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 21-Apr-19 07:39:21

I really don’t get the issue of OP wanting a man with his own children - she feels it would be an important aspect of lives that they have in common.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 21-Apr-19 07:41:14

I was dating as a single mum in my late 30's, my expectations were similar although I then got together with someone I'd known for years and assumed had a degree from his profession. I was gobsmacked when it came out that he didn't, but it didn't change who he was. He had just taken the 1 year college route into our profession rather than the degree route which was much more prevalent when I did it a few years later than him.

I was then dating again as a single mum in my mid-40's and again had similar expectations, but met a man who left school at 17, did a YTS and then joined the RAF as a trainee technician. He is kind, clever, makes me laugh, reads alot - just didn't get on with academia at school.

I married the 1st (he died) and am a year into my relationship with the 2nd.
So my experience as a late 30's and onwards single mum has definately not been having to be less picky and go for any man willing to settle for me!

funnylittlefloozie Sun 21-Apr-19 07:42:17

I met my ex at uni. He has a degree, a white collar job and a six-figure salary. He is also a total arsehole.

My current BF has 3 O-levels. He works insanely hard in a blue-collar, public sector job - in fact, he is at work today. He is kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate and treats me like the most important thing in his life.

Don't focus too narrowly on material things. People who specify material things (appearances, money, etc) on dating profiles leave themselves vulnerable to predators. Anyone can be an investment banker. Not anyone can be a decent loving human being.

Broaden your horizons. You can be picky later on.

adriennewillfly Sun 21-Apr-19 07:43:10

You shouldn't settle for someone you don't like, but your list of attributes is a bit over the top. What if you met someone who was 35 (or 55), no degree, no kids and a blue collar job, that was otherwise a perfect match?

Dieu Sun 21-Apr-19 07:43:14

Definitely be selective, OP. And never, ever settle. You deserve more. Better to be on your own for the short term, than with the wrong person for the long haul.
You keep your standards high, especially given your relationship history. It will stand you in good stead.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 21-Apr-19 07:44:24

Men who don't want children are not likely to want to settle down with a single parent. It is not a red flag to want to date someone in similar circumstances confused. I dated lots of men without children and none of them understood the demands on my time with my dc and none of those relationships went anywhere. At 37, I met someone (two years younger) with two dc. I am now 38 and we live together. He has a professional job but dropped out of university because of a job opportunity that came up. So don't lower your standards, but be flexible. Our joint income has meant we can provide a much better life for our dc.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 21-Apr-19 07:46:53

As a previously single parent who had a horrible time with Ex-H and have met the most wonderful man on OLD. I focused on my interests and what I wanted to share with someone. Again like others my Ex would have ticked your boxes.
I think you need to be open to a variety of different people, my DP for a variety of reasons was quite closed about his job on-line and mainly talked about his interests. Through OLD DP would not have satisfied your criteria, but in real life on meeting him you would discover he did apart from children.

Teateaandmoretea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:47:20

PMSL at 'white collar job' I haven't heard that term for years. That said its fine imo to want someone with a bit of drive.

Its interesting because I think women in their mid 40s plus are probably under quite a bit of demand from men who don't want children for whatever reason so time is on your side.

Not sure why you would discount a man without children though, in many ways it would be more straightforward if he didnt.

Its strange I've never OLD'd. In my day you fancied the bloke before you even found any of this out wink

Moomoomoomoomoo Sun 21-Apr-19 07:47:51

A single friend of mine who hasn’t had a relationship for years has requirements such as a degree etc. Never meets anyone that is not up to her strict criteria. It’s really frustrating as there could be dates out there she could have had but won’t because they don’t have a degree. Don’t be like that.

RuffleCrow Sun 21-Apr-19 07:50:27

I don't really understand this thing about men not fancying women over 35. I'm bisexual and have been attracted to lots of women over that age 'barrier' and fall into that category myself. Life experience adds to a person's sexiness imo. Then again it depends entirely on the individual - either you feel that spark or you don't.

QuickQuestion2019 Sun 21-Apr-19 07:53:06

Perfectly reasonable list of requirements. I'm a similar age and the same. Took a year, but persistence paid off.

Teateaandmoretea Sun 21-Apr-19 07:56:22

either you feel that spark or you don't

True enough but OLD will stop that if you bar anyone over 35. Its a strange world we live in grin

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 21-Apr-19 07:58:36

In my experience it really isn't true that men only fancy women under 35. It is a misogynistic myth.

SinkGirl Sun 21-Apr-19 08:00:12

I have a degree. My DH doesn’t but he is just as intelligent as I am - he didn’t have the same opportunities I did growing up, but he worked very hard to get into very competitive industries, twice. Knowing what I know, I wouldn’t make a degree a dealbreaker.

I totally understand wanting someone with kids though when you have kids yourself.

PregnantSea Sun 21-Apr-19 08:02:36

Be as selective as you like, you're certainly not worth less because you have children. That's silly. Don't settle for anyone.

Just bear in mind that what you want on paper and what works for you in real life are often two very different things. People need to have chemistry and you won't know if you have that unless you meet someone for a coffee/beer and a chat.

silvercuckoo Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:06

What's OLD? Sorry for an idiotic question.

Fairylea Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:43

OLD - online dating

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 08:03:51

Your list is my absolute bare minimum, and I'm older than you with more dc.

I wouldn't specify it on my profile though, it would look like a bit of a shopping list. You can find out easily enough once you're chatting.

Luckily I still look fairly decent, as I also want someone I find attractive.

I'd rather be single than compromise.

I mix generally with younger people and I've had masses of attention from much younger men, for what it's worth. They're not mature enough to be suitable for a relationship (and they wouldn't want that either) but it's a nice distraction until a suitable man comes along smile

Purplecatshopaholic Sun 21-Apr-19 08:04:33

Just as a matter of interest, why is being single terrifying? I am bloody loving it! Cheating Ex has been binned and for the first time in over 20 years I am on my own and its great! I will date in future but not in that place yet - I guess online is the way to do it these days (now that is the terrifying bit - never done that before!) Hope you meet someone nice OP

Danglingmod Sun 21-Apr-19 08:06:52

Another who thinks the picky bit is the degree... Men at the upper end of your age limit are far less likely to have gone to university. Far fewer people did 30 odd years ago. My dh (mid 50s) didn't go to University but still had a "white collar" career and is just as intelligent as me (who did).

The kids thing is totally understandable.

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:03

The dating thread on the relationships board is the best place for OLD advice. My advice would be to keep an open mind, set standards not criteria and have fun.

Atalune Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:24

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile....

Me, professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Treacletoots Sun 21-Apr-19 08:08:48

Agree about the degree. You're not recruiting for an employee.

Otherwise, don't settle. I'd spend my time enjoying being single and really accepting that you're fine on your own and you don't NEED a partner.

Then, usually the right one turns up.

Dont settle. Ever.

MonkeyToesOfDoom Sun 21-Apr-19 08:10:18

Read your profile OP.
Then imagine a man had it on his profile, would you message him?

Besides. Degrees, jobs, incomes, it's all bollocks. What happens if you get ill? Lose your job? Struggle to find another?

I'd rather have a decent, honest and reliable unqualified partner than worry about what degree and job they do, comes across as shallow gold digging.

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 08:11:18

The kids thing is very normal, single men without kids don't understand why you're not available when it suits them (ditto female friends without kids), even some men who only have their kids the odd night and EOW seem to struggle to understand.

Sandrayeo Sun 21-Apr-19 08:12:45

Thank you all for your answers

The reason why I would rather date someone with children is because I think a dad would be more understanding of my life style. My child is still very young and needs a lot of attention so I’m not as «available» as I used to be. The other thing is I struggled to have my son and probably can’t have another child. So if I date someone who wants one, it’s a problème and if I date someone who doesn’t want children at all, why would he want to care for someone else’s child ?

I don’t mention education or job preferences on my profile. I chat and try to find out. I’m an executive manager in a bank. When I was younger, and an associate, I dated men from different types of backgrounds. What I realized is 90% of the time, when I was more educated and/or making more money, it would become an issue. «You think you’re better than me», «you want to be the man in this relationship...». I would end up walking in egg shells all the time. I would refrain myself from saying some things so I wouldn’t come across as «miss know it all»
. When I dated men with the same type of education, I never had that problem.

I’m not on apps for people my age. I was told Tinder as more of a hook up culture so...I don’t know why I don’t get more contacts. Maybe I’m just not attractive enough... maybe being of African descent shrinks my pool a lot more ?

HBStowe Sun 21-Apr-19 08:15:57

I think it’s absolutely fine for you to know what you want and to refuse to settle for someone who isn’t right for you just because you don’t want to be single. Doesn’t matter what it is you’re looking for - it’s ok to know what you want and to refuse to entertain anyone who doesn’t match up to that.

And remember - far, far better to be single than to be with the wrong person because you were worried about the alternative.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sun 21-Apr-19 08:17:13

I wonder if your "requirements" might suggest you are looking for someone who will be able to financially support you? I'm sure this is not the case, but it could look that way. Also of course it is only reasonable if you yourself have a degree and professional job.

The children thing is fine - presumably you want someone who likes kids but doesn't want any more.

In general, men like to date younger, and successful men more so. They also place more value on looks, so basically you can demand more if you are obviously attractive.

senbei Sun 21-Apr-19 08:17:13

I don't think you should settle for anyone. That being said, I do think that it's good to have guidelines as to what you'd like in a person instead of a specific list of criteria. I'd also recommend that you not put those in your profile because the white collar job/degree part does come across as a bit "gold digger-y".

Talk to people, get to know them first, and then decide from there. If you ultimately decide that you can't be with someone without a degree for whatever reason, that's fine. Don't impose a ton of restrictions right off the bat though.

senbei Sun 21-Apr-19 08:19:06

Sorry, cross post - just saw your update!

BottleOfJameson Sun 21-Apr-19 08:20:49

I would say that the 70% of single mums who stay single will include lots of women who are much older than 40 and lots who want to remain single or are not actively dating.

littlemeitslyn Sun 21-Apr-19 08:24:00

'Egregious ' 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

visitorthedog Sun 21-Apr-19 08:25:09

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in being specific. You sound great and there’s no point wasting your time with the wrong man, you’re better off single otherwise and it sounds like you’re going well. Fingers crossed that the right man comes along, I don’t think you’re going to be alone, it will happen if that’s what you want.

Marlboroandmalbec34 Sun 21-Apr-19 08:26:56

Hi op get on the old dating thread on the relationships’s a brilliant supportive thread.

Dieu Sun 21-Apr-19 08:29:37

And I can't believe you've been accused on gold digging on here (not likely with your job, ha ha!). Haven't we come further than this? confused And would a man be accused of this, if he was on the lookout for a similarly educated woman?
Honestly, this place sometimes ...

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Sun 21-Apr-19 08:33:14

Nothing wrong with having a list.

But if you are only interested in people who state those things on their profile, why dont you list them too?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Sun 21-Apr-19 08:34:44

about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

Also by single do you mean unmarried? Because I wouldn't marry again but am in a long term relationship?

Iris1654 Sun 21-Apr-19 08:38:45

I’m a single parent, recently divorced. I would never have another live in man.
70% of 40 year old women have worked out that life is easier/ better without a man 😂

Inliverpool1 Sun 21-Apr-19 08:39:11

Go on bumble. I have requirements just because I’m a single parent makes me no less of a catch.
According to DD’s 17 year old male friend I am a snack so I remind myself of this every time some balding over wright Middle aged twat treats me like shit

Lockheart Sun 21-Apr-19 08:41:30

As long as you're not asking for anything which you're not bringing to the table yourself then YANBU.

I'm similar, I'd like someone with a good standard of education (I have a master's), and with a decently paying career (again, as do I). I don't want a relationship where there's going to be huge financial inequality. I have no intention of giving up my career and I'm certainly no gold-digger. But I want someone who has a similar lifestyle to me. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Mog6840 Sun 21-Apr-19 08:44:43

I also think the bachelor degree and job thing is picky and off putting.

To me you might as well say ' I want someone who's high earning'

My husband has a very good job and is a high earner but he doesn't have a degree & most of my successful friends don't have a degree or work in an office!

If that's what you are looking for fair enough but I don't think you have to specify it.

I think getting to know an individual is more important. You will know very quickly if someone is in your wave length personally and intellectually.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 08:50:17

"I’m a single parent, recently divorced. I would never have another live in man.
70% of 40 year old women have worked out that life is easier/ better without a man 😂"

Definitely not true. I've read about single mums who want to stay single on MN. When it comes to women in their 40s who are not mothers, or whose children are grown up, I don't know ANYONE in real life who's single and wants to stay single. Every single person I know, male and female, would like to meet someone. How badly and whether they do much about it varies, but all would like to meet someone.

I suppose it's different for single mothers as they don't live alone.

Moomoomoomoomoo Sun 21-Apr-19 08:51:28

My BIL is a high earner and head of a company, he doesn’t have a degree. Earns significantly more than me.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 08:53:08

"I also think the bachelor degree and job thing is picky and off putting. "

Me too, although I can understand why OP wants someone who's educated.
I'm wondering if there's a better way of putting it e.g. something like 'someone to have deep conversations with' or mention an intellectual hobby or something.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 08:54:26

"because I’m a single parent makes me no less of a catch. "

Well, that's for other people to decide isn't it.

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 09:00:57

Lovely, Gwenhwfar

Why are you put out by someone else's high confidence? hmm

hazzysmoozy Sun 21-Apr-19 09:02:17

So you would want a successful business person who say runs a plumbing business? I think qualification (especially a bachelors degree) will limit your dating pool. I would understand wanting someone with a PhD if you were an academic yourself.

Inliverpool1 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:10:33

Gwenhwyfar - well no it’s not opinion it’s fact.

SlappingJoffrey Sun 21-Apr-19 09:15:31

It's never unreasonable to have requirements in a partner, and fwiw I totally see why a single parent would feel someone else with children might be more on the same page.

However, inevitably you're going to be excluding people who you might otherwise have a decent chance of a relationship with. There's nothing wrong in that, but be aware of it. If enough people look at your profile, some of them are going to be people who like the look of you, but don't contact you because they think you won't want them.

I would also agree with the pp who said that if you're asking for these things you should probably put that information out there about yourself. A man who is also at the same work level as you and wants someone in a similar role can't consider you if you don't tell him you tick his boxes.

Also in your second post, you seem effectively to be asking if you're pricing yourself out of the market. That's a possibility yes, but it's not one that anyone on here can really answer without seeing and meeting you tbh. Perfectly possible that your problem is your profile rather than your requirements.

In terms of being black, I suppose it may shrink the pool a bit, because black people are presumably in a minority on the sites and apps, and there are some people who don't want an interracial relationship. So if 10% of people on the sites only want a partner of the same race, that will affect you more because most of them will be white. But not a lot you can do about your ethnicity! Are you open to all ethnic groups yourself?

KC225 Sun 21-Apr-19 09:21:06

My brother -52 no degree but successful in his own field, has never wanted is marrying a 50 year old (lovely) woman divorced with grown up children. Her daughter will be the maid of honour and her son is walking her down the aisle.

A friend of a friend also met a single dad at her sons football training/games every Saturday.

Don't be too ridgid, some people may be put off by the list even if they fufil the list. As the poster above said, the trick is to talk as many as possible and weed out the fast food addicted golfers quickly.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sun 21-Apr-19 09:22:38

would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

I'd read that as he has to have money, it's going to put a lot off.

senbei Sun 21-Apr-19 09:22:49

And I can't believe you've been accused on gold digging on here (not likely with your job, ha ha!). Haven't we come further than this? confused And would a man be accused of this, if he was on the lookout for a similarly educated woman?

I'm assuming you're talking about my post up there. Thing is, I'm not accusing the OP of gold-digging, I'm just saying that it's possible that she may come across that way. Just browse through Instagram and Twitter for eg, and you'll see screenshots of Tinder profiles where SOME women have all these criteria about how successful a man must be all the while not being able to bring the same to the table.

It's not a personal dig at the OP at all. Unless she explicitly states her job on whatever dating site she's on, how will they know? It's not ideal, yes. But when something is so prevalent online (maybe it's confirmation bias too since we do unfortunately remember the ones that do this instead of the thousands that don't), people do tend to take that into account.

CupOhTea Sun 21-Apr-19 09:24:54

No, I don’t think yabu. I would also tend to prefer men with degrees, even if their jobs were not white collar iyswim. Maybe one or the other, (white collar job or degree), but not necessarily both, would be my preference, (hypothetically, seeing as I’m married). I wouldn’t rule people out over it necessarily, but I would tend to gravitate to people who are similar to me and seeing as you are a degree educated executive, it isn’t surprising that you’d seek similar in a partner. I don’t think there’s much wrong with that.

I wouldn’t want to date another parent necessarily though. What if it became a serious relationship and you then have to go down the whole blended family road? Also, you’d probably come into contact with his ex, which depending on how things are, could be awkward at points. I wouldn’t say not to date a parent, but personally I wouldn’t seek it out.

There must be lots of single men out there who don’t want to have children at all.

mabelsgarden Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:34


Yeah, putting 'I want a man with a bachelor degree and a white collar job' will definitely limit your options. Many men like this may not be looking for a 40 y.o. single mother; (even if the single mother is professional and well educated.)

Your wording is too picky IMO, and as a few posters have said, it sounds like you only want a man who is wealthy . I would change your wording as @Atalune suggested...

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile.....

Professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Although I have to agree with the posters saying that some men without a degree are just as intelligent and driven and successful. Don't limit your options, or, as many posters have said, be prepared to be waiting a long time for a 'suitable man.'

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists...

Ignore this! What a terrible thing for someone to publish. Have they got facts and figures for this?!

Good luck!

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:26:42

I added degree level education to my dating requirements on POF. Nothing wrong with it.

SlappingJoffrey Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:20

I think that's a reasonable point actually. If OP asks for a certain level of education and employment and doesn't give this information herself, that's going to lead some people to wonder whether she's doing it because she isn't bringing the same to the table. The term gold digger is gross but clearly people use it, and clearly people are aware that some individuals are specifically looking to 'marry up'. It wouldn't surprise me if someone had thought this about OP, given the information she's put on her profile.

Sexnotgender Sun 21-Apr-19 09:27:53

Should add I met my husband there!

I was a 34 year old single mother. We’re happily married with an 11 week old son.

fotheringhay Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:29

OP has said she wouldn't put it on her profile

likeridingabike Sun 21-Apr-19 09:30:46

I'm a professional, fairly high earner, I don't necessarily expect a man to be the same in fact the man I'm dating currently isn't, but having a job and being able to support himself (and any children) in his own home is essential. I wouldn't write that in an OLD profile, it's something you screen for.

BattenburgIsland Sun 21-Apr-19 09:31:48

I might loosen up on the qualifications bit tbh.... not because you're a single mum and have to make do (you dont, you deserve a man who fits your needs, and there will be one out there for you) but because you might discount many lovely men this way. I can see why you have put that... you want someone you can talk to and is intelligent... but actually it's not always an indicator of intelligence and ambition to have gone to uni and have a white collar job... there are plenty of engaging and ambitious people who did not go down that road.
My husband has a masters and is studying for a phd... but I dont even have A levels! That's just not the road I went down. We share loads of interests. In the arts mainly. We can certainly talk to each other!
Dont discount people straight away because of qualifications.... meet them and decide from that!

And NO! You do not have to lower your standards because you are a single mum. In a way its helpful because it will sort out the bellends from the gold straight away! A lot of timewaster dickheads wont contact you... which is actually a good thing!

GruffaIo Sun 21-Apr-19 09:47:46

You mention your heritage, OP. Does this article apply at all, albeit that it's mainly discussing the US context?

feelingsinister Sun 21-Apr-19 10:37:54

I thought you were being very picky initially OP but having seen your update I think you're being really sensible especially as you haven't put these preferences on your profile.

I've known a few relationships flounder when the woman starts to earn more than her partner but that isn't about income it's about the person's character and their insecurities. My partner wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if I overtook his income (which I might do in 5ish years), he'd be proud and happy but not in any way threatened or emasculated.

I guess what I'm saying is, keep these standards in mind but get to know the person too. Not every bloke is going to feel like that and I know lots of educated, white collar high earners who are absolute arseholes and I expect you do too given your job.

SilverySurfer Sun 21-Apr-19 11:58:32

Definitely not true. I've read about single mums who want to stay single on MN. When it comes to women in their 40s who are not mothers, or whose children are grown up, I don't know ANYONE in real life who's single and wants to stay single. Every single person I know, male and female, would like to meet someone. How badly and whether they do much about it varies, but all would like to meet someone.

You obviously know different people to me. I have two friends whose children have flown the nest and after divorce they remain resolutely single. They may have a fling occasionally but are not interested in anything more serious. I couldn't have children, after my last long-term relationship ended I decided no more and am still single in my 70s.

Oh and the statistics back this up.

WitsEnding Sun 21-Apr-19 17:06:21

I'm a single parent well over 40, got lots of single female friends and very few want a full time living together relationship.

You get very used to having your own space and total autonomy.

OP YANBU. I select for same level of education and similar circumstances to my own.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 21-Apr-19 17:13:26

I’m an executive manager in a bank

Things must have changed! All the years I spent in the city, everyone was at it! 70% of the company must have inter married (2,000 odd people), divorced, remarried someone else . Isnt there vaguely anyone at work who fits the bill?

formerbabe Sun 21-Apr-19 17:15:19

I think it's fine...not unrealistic at all

If you were asking for a 25 year old male model with no baggage who is a millionaire then yeah, that would be unrealistic.

You're basically asking for a divorced dad with a degree and a decent job...I'm sure there's plenty of them about.

Iris1654 Sun 21-Apr-19 17:19:31

Gwenhwfar It is true, it’s very true.
In my 30’s I wanted. Children/ husband / the dream.

Now I’m over 40, we’ll I have children, money, my own house, time off every other weekend. ( living the dream ladies, just didn’t realise, at 30, that this is preferable)

What would a man bring me? Compromise, more cleaning? Better to have a lover imho.
Men need women more than women need men!

septembersunshine Sun 21-Apr-19 17:58:16

You will have trouble verifying the degree requirement. What would you say to him
... show me your certificate? He could easily just say he has a degree.

That aside op good luck with your search. Try and socialise with friends too. You may meet someone that way too.

RuffleCrow Sun 21-Apr-19 18:17:08

I'm 38 and single for 5 years. I agree those stats are about many women choosing to be single. Before i had dcs I was willing to compromise myself, went out with men i didn't fancy just for the ego boost. If i was happy doing that now I wouldn't be single.

Gwenhwyfar Sun 21-Apr-19 22:21:49

"the statistics back this up."

Which statistics? We're talking about whether people want to stay single or not, not the number of single people.

Sandrayeo Thu 25-Apr-19 13:56:57

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking: IKWYM but, the general stats don't really apply to my particular situation. I'm of African descent, born and raised in western Africa. I have 0 problem dating outside of my race, it just never happened. Why ? because (I think), most non black men are not attracted to me and that's OK.

So now I'm left with African men. Lot of them (let say 50%), especially those in this industry, prefer non black women. So now I'm left with 50% of the black men there. If you take out the married/committed ones, the gay ones and those who want to date younger/childless women...
You can meet someone in your 20s and early 30s but if things don't work out or if you miss that train, it's almost impossible to find someone new, in THIS particular segment. I met my ex at work, we were both interns. We were together for years but split over "irreconcilable differences " grin

In my case, finding someone inside the city bubble is no longer an option

BadLad Thu 25-Apr-19 14:12:33

Nothing wrong with having filters, although it will limit your options, obviously.

If I'm ever single again, there will be very slim pickings, as, like you, I only want to date people with degrees. But, unlike you, I win't consider anyone with kids. Subtract people who don't fancy me, and people whom I don't fancy, and I don't expect there will be too many fish left in the sea.

(googles a florist to buy flowers for DW)

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