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To just refuse the wedding invitation

(1000 Posts)
jessicawessica Sat 20-Apr-19 22:04:32

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

MrsPandigital Sat 20-Apr-19 22:25:53

I'm planning my own wedding and I seriously hope I haven't caused offence and distress to my guests as you are feeling. Some of my aunts/uncles/cousins aren't invited at all, to any part of my wedding!(because I don't talk/see them often enough to be part of the big day.)

How often do you talk to/see your nephew?

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 20-Apr-19 22:25:55

Incredibly rude to discuss it in front of you if they’re not going to invite you to the whole thing. I’m not a fan of two tier weddings anyway and as you see them every week it’s out of order.

Go to the usual family meet ups, they’re the ones who should feel embarrassed!

Dishwashersaurous Sat 20-Apr-19 22:26:31

Agree though that you should never have presumed that your child would be invited, you say play so assuming she is quite young

jessicawessica Sat 20-Apr-19 22:27:24

How many are invited to the ceremony? Well ,clearly not family.
Well from what I can make out it's about 100.
It's not in a church,it's at a swanky country club at 12.30. then photos, etc. Sit down meal about 2pm.
Evening disco starts at 7pm,
everything takes place in the same venue.
Just really pissed off for DD who had set her heart on seeing them get married and doing the whole pgoto stuff.

feelingsinister Sat 20-Apr-19 22:28:22

I didn't invite all aunts and uncles to my wedding and only a couple of cousins but I do have a large family on both sides. Plus I never see most of them so it was more understandable. It's more surprising in a small family like yours but they're still under no obligation to invite you.

Bittern11 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:29:32

Well, tell them you can’t come and ask why you haven’t been invited to the whole thing - especially if you see them every week!


10 groomsmen - are we in America? - is just tacky.

jessicawessica Sat 20-Apr-19 22:30:26

I could understand it if we didn't see each other much but all family members including DN live in the same village. And like i said, we all congregate at my mums every Sunday for a family meet up.
This is why me, mum and DB2 are so surprised.

pepperpot99 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:30:31

Yanbu. I'd not bother to go and I'd definitely not get them a present hmm

sue51 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:31:55

It would be shame to fall out over this so if its not too far I'd go. Its rather rude for them to send a gift list to someone who hasn't been invited to the whole day so a bottle of something nice and a card is quite sufficient.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 20-Apr-19 22:33:06

Yes. It’s his wedding. He can invite who he wants to turn up when he wants

I always find this comment so missing the point. Obviously he can invite who he wants. He can randomly decide not to invite some close family members while inviting others, he can invite people who would have to travel a long distance only to the evening event, he can invite his very close friends only to the evening event. If he wants to he can send you a card saying you're not actually invited at all but I still want you to send me an expensive gift.

No one is suggesting he is not legally entitled to do this. We're saying it's rude and as a result of this rudeness OP is more than entitled to be upset and to not bother attending the small portion of the wedding she's actually invited to.

Easterbunnynearlyhere Sat 20-Apr-19 22:33:17

Op you need a huge box. And lots of packaging..
Wrap up the fucking ugliest ornament your local charity shop can provide.
Send it with an empty card.
The awful Cfers.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:33:29

Don’t go and tell them honestly why-that you’re very disappointed with their behaviour and that your mum is upset as she will be on her own all day.

Dishwashersaurous Sat 20-Apr-19 22:34:00

Well if they turn up tomorrow simply say thanks for the invitation but we’re really sad that we won’t actually see you get married so can tplease not talk about it

jessicawessica Sat 20-Apr-19 22:34:38

Yes 10 groomsmen all dressed in white!
DB1 is mortified.

AwdBovril Sat 20-Apr-19 22:35:44

I'd go, if it's not a long way to travel & you don't have to spend lots on clothes etc. But I'd not spend a lot overall, not if they're going to treat you like 2nd tier guests.

feelingsinister Sat 20-Apr-19 22:35:54

It is weird, especially as you actually see each other.

Floralnomad Sat 20-Apr-19 22:36:57

Go tomorrow and just tell them that you won’t be coming to the wedding because to you the whole point was to see them get married and as you are not invited to that part youd rather not go .

AWishForWingsThatWork Sat 20-Apr-19 22:37:20

He can invite who he wants. True.

You can decline the invitation, such as it is. Also true.

I would decline. ANd I would be very clear but quietly polite when asked why: he spends every week with your family talking about the wedding, there are only 10 of you left in his side of the family, and yet you were only invited to show up to the dancing portion with an expensive gift. Not good enough to watch the ceremony that's been talked about for 2 years or attend the meal ... just show up with a gift. No thank you.

Send a card congratulating them.

GFgertie Sat 20-Apr-19 22:38:02

I didn’t invite any family other than immediate family to my wedding. Could it be that the bride doesn’t have similar family on her side?

It would be courteous to send a gift, either chosen from the list or
of your choosing, whether you choose to attend in the evening or not.

ChicCroissant Sat 20-Apr-19 22:39:08

Is the venue local, OP? Would it be easy to get to for an evening do?

I don't mind an evening invite, although I have turned down one that was a couple of hundred miles away - bit far to travel and our normal childcare was at the (family) wedding!

jessicawessica Sat 20-Apr-19 22:39:11

I totally understand that they can invite/not invite whoever they want, but I have watched DN grow up from a baby and really wanted to see the ceremony which is the most special part of the whole day.
Stuff the meal, I don't care about steak whatever.
But I do feel bad now for my mum who's starting to dread being on her own all day.

Ohyesiam Sat 20-Apr-19 22:40:17

If he wants to know why you can tell him.

Grumpelstilskin Sat 20-Apr-19 22:40:56

I would not go and I would not get a present either. For an evening invite, they are cheeky to expect something expensive from the wedding list.

Ohyesiam Sat 20-Apr-19 22:41:47

Posted early
He’s put you on a really difficult situation as you are all in regular contact.

ladybirdsarelovely33 Sat 20-Apr-19 22:42:24

Can your mum speak to him? Sounds like he hadn't thought it through properly. The bride may not have either and has probably got all her side going.

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