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Aibu for thinking the world doesn't stop if you work nights?

(136 Posts)
Ilovepizzatoomuch Sat 20-Apr-19 20:29:32

I have never worked nights so I don't know if am I being unreasonable and not supportive but I am seriously struggling with DH's night working and constant using it as an excuse to get out of things.

For background, we have been together 10 years, two DC who are nearly 3 (twins). I work full time normal office hours and have recently taken over a management role, so a bit of adjusting on my part as well. Dh has always worked shifts, including nights, but for the last 18 months it had been every other week is night work.

When dh is on nights this is the typical pattern:
I get DC up, dressed and ready for childminder drop off. Can drop off any time from 730 and we are normally there at 730 so I can try and miss as much traffic as possible. However we wait for dh to get home (finishes at 630 but has around 35 - 40 min commute) this can mean we are late to the childminder and I get caught in more traffic but I think I it's important for dh to see DC in the morning. (Unless he is going to be really late then he will ring and let me know)

Generally, unless I am travelling for work or anything I will work from 0830 - 1730, then do a 30 mins drive back to pick DC up, usually arriving just before last pick up time as dh will still be in bed.

We get home, depending on how dh has slept, he will come down, say hello to me and DC and then go back to bed leaving us to have tea, do bath and bed. Dh will then get up around 9pm, shower and go to work.

In the meantime, there is washing that has to be done ( usually by me), dishwasher to empty (again me) food shops to sort (me) and pets to feed and clean (me)

As mentioned above I have just taken over a new role which is challenging but I am really enjoying but comes with more responsibilities. There are times when I need to stay later but due to dh not being able to pick DC up, I have to leave and quite often log in from home, which means working after all of the above is done and sometimes not logging off until gone 11pm, getting about 7 hours sleep at best (I don't sleep great when dh isn't in the house) and starting all over again.

When I have asked for more help when he is on nights all I get is that he is so tired and doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else. I survive on about 6 hours a night sleep but am expected to do all of the above.

But then I have never worked nights so not sure if it is unreasonable?

Theninjawhinger Sat 20-Apr-19 20:33:36

He doesn’t get up till 9pm at night?!

My ex worked night, would get in about 6:30/7am and would get up about 3pm - on his last shift he would get up about 1pm to try and reset his cycle.

Sometimes he would have a nap again before his shift, but he always had the afternoon to Potter about.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets Sat 20-Apr-19 20:36:17

What's he doing all day then? He can't be sleeping?
Lazy arse needs to pull his weight. He should be doing at least 1 drop off.

Bleubelle Sat 20-Apr-19 20:37:10

Is he going to bed at 7.30am though? I can only comment on when my DH worked nights, he came home at 6 and got up at 2/2.30pm. BUT he slept well. If he didn’t have a decent sleep he’d get up and go back to bed for a couple of hours. 15 hours is a lot of time to spend in bed tbh and being on night shift doesn’t give him the right to lie in bed for 12 hours.

Bleubelle Sat 20-Apr-19 20:37:58

14 hours, sorry.

Finfintytint Sat 20-Apr-19 20:38:41

I don’t see the need for him to return to bed again before going back on nights. What time does he go to bed when he gets in?
I’ve worked nights for twenty odd years and it is so bad for you it really does you in after a while.
The problem with nights is that your quality of sleep can be bad and you never quite recover before starting them all over again.
When I did nights I’d come home, do the school run, sleep, get up and do pick up.

BlueMerchant Sat 20-Apr-19 20:38:43

Your DH needs to be picking DC up from childminder imo. At very least he needs to be doing the bath/bed routine.
Languishing in bed after having all them hours in bed while you rush around. No way!

EleanorLavish Sat 20-Apr-19 20:39:09

Jesus, he is taking the piss.
When I did nights (NHS nurse) I'd be in bed for 9 and sleep until 4 or 5pm, if I was lucky.
He really should be picking up the kids and getting them sorted, and doing some housework if he can whilst looking after them.
He must love the week he is on nights!
What is it like on the day shift weeks?

DieSchottin93 Sat 20-Apr-19 20:41:22

That sounds like a lot of time in bed. DBro worked nights and he was always up by 2pm after going to bed around 7.30am. When he'd finished his night shifts he'd get up before lunchtime to reset his clock.

dottycat123 Sat 20-Apr-19 20:42:34

Nights are associated with long term health problems. 1 week on then 1 week off is awful. I am a nurse and have worked nights at times, I never sleep as well during the day but would try to sleep from 9:30 til 4 ish but probably wake numerous times. Then get up and do jobs in the house.
He probably should do more but the quality of sleep in the day is not the same as night for most people.

Caselgarcia Sat 20-Apr-19 20:42:57

I've worked nights so can see it from both sides. One thing I found hard was unwinding from work before going to bed. So I do think you won't be unreasonable to ask him to unload dishwasher/feed pets etc before he goes to bed.
I think if he works shifts, it doesnt absolve him of all housework. If he can't help you and do shifts, suggest he gets a day job.
Don't allow him to use his shifts as an excuse not to help you. One man I worked with did nights and had to look after his daughter until lunchtime when his wife came home. He then went to bed.

MrsJBaptiste Sat 20-Apr-19 20:43:18

My DH works nights and gets in at 6am. Unfortunately he sleeps really badly and will often be up by 12pm. I'm honestly agog that hour husband sleeps for the whole day! Tell him to get his lazy arse out of bed and pick the kids up himself.

NaughtyLittlePassport Sat 20-Apr-19 20:44:31

I was coming on this thread thread to stridently post 'well they fucking should' as i loathe my night shifts, they exhaust me for days after, but he's taking the piss. I get in at 0930-10 ish and have to be up at 1745 at the latest. I also will sling in a load of washing, empty the dishwasher and get DS from nursery if DH is running late.

redexpat Sat 20-Apr-19 20:44:59

Mine does 6am-6pm x2 followed by 6pm-6am. When he comes in from a night shift at 715 he will finish getting dc ready then take them to nursery and school at about 8am. Then he goes to bed, gets up at 3-330 to go and get them again.

Does your dh do more to compensate when he isnt working nights?

MintyCedric Sat 20-Apr-19 20:45:19

I was prepared to say YABU as my dad worked nights for years and it does have an impact, but your DH is taking the piss.

My dad used to get in at 6.30am, have a cuppa and a bit of toast, drop me to the train station (I was commuting to college), get back home to bed and usually be up between 2-3pm.

Even if he can't do the morning nursery run, he could get up in time to pick the kids up, do any essential chores and cook dinner, surely?

Blueuggboots Sat 20-Apr-19 20:45:19

I work busy 12 hour night shifts. I finish work at 0700 and when I get home, I go straight to bed. I get up any time from 12.30 onwards and do stuff around the house and usually pick up my son from school.
Your husband is MASSIVELY taking the piss!!

Treaclesweet Sat 20-Apr-19 20:48:24

What time does he actually go to bed? Does he sit around all morning winding down? Maybe it would be easier to get him do help after work rather than before? He is taking the piss though.

foreverhomefornow Sat 20-Apr-19 20:51:04

Wow that's a long long time in bed!

My dh doesn't do nights anymore thankfully but he would be up by 3pm and we'd have a normal evening together before he went to work.

If I was not back til later he would collect the kids or have tea ready etc plus do whatever jobs were needed.

I get that it's tiring but that's just taking the mick!

Brilliantidiot Sat 20-Apr-19 20:51:46

There's things you don't 'get' unless you have worked nights for any length of time.
The effect of fighting your body to stay not just awake, but alert and on the ball is harder than many realise, and does leave you feeling more tired than doing the same thing during the day. It also is harder to sleep because of well, light and noise. You often end up with broken, poor quality sleep, for the length of your shift pattern. And the thing that working nights 'takes' an extra day than working the same hours during the day times.
That said, you can't just check out of life while you're on nights. You still need to be a part of a family and be a parent. I tend to sleep better in the afternoon/evening, so I do housework and stuff when I get in and head to bed about 12 and get up about 6/7, get ready and go straight to work.
Even though I'm a night shifter and know the things night workers face - I think your DH is taking the piss a bit, he needs to do his share, he could at least do one drop off/pick up and meal prep/housework.

ateaspoonplease Sat 20-Apr-19 20:52:46

From my experience, many night shift workers find it different to go straight to bed once they arrive home. So he's not in bed all day- it's likely that he doesn't go to sleep until 10 or 11.
Because of that whole wanting to unwind after work before you go to sleep- we don't finish our 9 to 5 jobs and go straight to bed, so difficult to expect it of a night shift worker.

So putting a wash on and house management things like that once he gets home from work in his 'winding down time' would be something that I think would be perfectly reasonable to ask him to do before he goes to sleep as a PP said- you could try that OP

thecapitalsunited Sat 20-Apr-19 20:53:49

What time does he go to sleep if he’s not getting up until 9pm? He can’t be sleeping from 7am to 9pm so why can’t he do some chore before he goes to bed or go to bed earlier and get up earlier.

I don’t work nights but my mum has for years. She used to go to bed after school drop off and get up to pick us up when we were little then she could go to bed a bit earlier and stay in bed until we were home when we were old enough to get to and from school by ourselves. She keeps similar hours now. Needless to say, she gets all the housework done with no issue because of her magical woman chore powers wink

Yousicktwistedfruit Sat 20-Apr-19 20:54:23

He’s taking the piss I have worked nights before I use to do a full 12 hour night shift get in from work about 9am go to bed and get up at 5:30pm to be back in work at 8pm I never ever slept as much as your DH does he’s just being a massive lazy sod.

HyHyHyena Sat 20-Apr-19 20:55:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasFluff Sat 20-Apr-19 20:57:02

I'm going to go totally against the grain on this one - unless I've misread the OP. Switching between nights and days every other week sounds like an absolute nightmare, and hugely debilitating. His body will not know where it is, and so he is working on lack of sleep, due to lack of any sort of sleep routine.

Personally I'd be cutting him massive slack and letting his body deal with it however he best can arrange it. If he is in a union, or has an HR department, I'd be looking at getting him to look into how this way of working can be changed.

bourbonbiccy Sat 20-Apr-19 20:59:09

Surely he can make more of a contribution somewhere.

So is he going straight to bed when he gets back ? Are you counting his sleep from the 7.30 when he returns home ? Surely he doesn't come in and go straight to bed after work, I didn't after my day job.

My hubby worked 2 jobs. 1 daytime job was 7 until 4 ( so left home at 06.15 returned at 16.45) then the second on a weekend was return from 1st job 16.45 left home for second job 19.00 returned 04.00 but could never come home and go straight to bed, had to wind down, just like I did from my day job.

Even after doing 2 jobs in 1 day my hubby never slept for that long ( not once we had DS anyway 😜😜)

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