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To leave my DH and his family?

(113 Posts)
NorahBlanche Sat 20-Apr-19 14:50:10

Hello everyone. I'll try to keep this short.

I live in a foreign country (my DH's homeland). We live in a big house - he has a flat downstairs (likes his own space) I have a flat on the next floor,his mum has a flat next to mine and his sister has a flat on the next floor.

We have a 6 month old baby and a 7 year old DS.

His sister is a heroin addict who is in and out of rehab, currently back here,still using. Her DS 5 years old and DD 12 years old are currently visiting for the holidays. They both live with their (different) fathers, a few hours drive away.

My DH idolises his DM and DS. They do EVERYTHING together - meals,shopping, DIY projects, watching Netflix etc. I am always with the kids - they live in my flat with me.

About a week ago,I had a catastrophic falling out with his DS,as she is getting Class A drugs delivered to the house and leaves dirty needles in weird places,where the children could potentially find them.

I also had enough of her awful,volatile, angry,entitled behaviour and just couldn't stand being around her anymore.

My DH worships the ground his DM and DS walk on. They are his 'actual' family. No one wants me here. I hate all of them.

My DH treats me awfully. All he does is criticise me or make fun of me. Telling me I can't cook, don't dress well...he is only nice to me when he wants sex,which I just never want. I exclusively breastfeed my baby and co-sleep and am exhausted from that.

I feel trapped and controlled and also,I am so so lonely. I don't have any friends here. I can speak the language OK,but definitely not well enough to form any kind of friendship.

I just feel so fed up and worn down and tired.

AIBU?

TitianaTitsling Sat 20-Apr-19 14:51:37

That is certainly an automatically unusual set up! What do you get positively from the relationship?

ALemonyPea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:51:59

I'd be on the first plane home, it all sounds very miserable and unhappy for you and your DC.

XiCi Sat 20-Apr-19 14:57:29

It sounds absolutely horrendous, and potentially dangerous for your dc, not just the needles but the type of people who could come to the house of a drug addict. What is preventing you from leaving? Legally would you be able to leave with the children?

NorahBlanche Sat 20-Apr-19 15:00:45

I don't have any family in the UK. We have joint custody of the children, so legally I can't go back anyway,without his permission, which he would never give.

His mother is so so controlling - if I even hinted at wanting to leave,all hell would break loose

MerryInthechelseahotel Sat 20-Apr-19 15:02:09

Do you feel trapped because you can't see any way out? I guess if you feel trapped that means you don't see leaving him as an option. Can you give us an idea of where in the world you are?

NoSauce Sat 20-Apr-19 15:04:18

This is terrible for you OP. Leaving is going to be a mammoth task but staying put isn’t an option. You only have one life OP, don’t waste it with these awful people.

Do you have your own money?

slipperywhensparticus Sat 20-Apr-19 15:04:33

Where are your family? Can you get to them for a visit and not go back? Cant you report the drugs?

lboogy Sat 20-Apr-19 15:07:00

If you've no family, then what about friends?

Are you in a country where you can go to social services for support?

HennyPennyHorror Sat 20-Apr-19 15:21:20

We need to know which country you're in OP.

99calmbeforethestorm Sat 20-Apr-19 15:23:21

Depending on the country your in it’s not so simple as to move your children from their country of residence without their father’s permission.

PrincessDanae Sat 20-Apr-19 15:24:22

I'd certainly be gtting my ducks in a row if i were you. If you left, where would you go? Are you in a country that gives women freedom and choices?

FamilyOfAliens Sat 20-Apr-19 15:29:03

Would you leave the children? Drastic, I know, but I don't think it’s reasonable to expect you to live like that.

Sarahjconnor Sat 20-Apr-19 15:30:03

Where are you?
A good friend created a very important medical procedure and we sent a faked NHS document offering it free. That allowed her to get back to the UK where she was safe and got full custody in court.
If you need his permission to leave, I would recommend being devious and working out a strategy to get that permission. Then do not look back.

Sarahjconnor Sat 20-Apr-19 15:30:40

I would strongly recommend NOT leaving your children with this family. You may well not see them again.

DishingOutDone Sat 20-Apr-19 15:33:53

Do you have family anywhere? In a different country?

CerealMonogamist Sat 20-Apr-19 15:38:11

@FamilyOfAliens Did you really just suggest the OP leave her children in a house with a Class A drug user and her drug paraphernalia? Seriously? confused

OP, what do you mean about you and your husband having 'joint custody'? I think you need to say whereabouts you are, as there may be people with experience of that country's particular legal system.

CarolDanvers Sat 20-Apr-19 15:44:13

Eh?! Did someone really just suggest that she leave her very young children in order to escape herself? Do you have children yourself Family?

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Apr-19 15:48:38

Where are your family? Can you get to them for a visit and not go back?
The OP said she hasn't any.

zeeboo Sat 20-Apr-19 15:52:27

@Nanny0gg she said she didn't have any in the U.K...

BlueberryFool123 Sat 20-Apr-19 15:52:54

Can you get to the British embassy and get some advice on your options?

bridgetreilly Sat 20-Apr-19 15:54:35

Can you make contact with a women's refuge in your country, OP? You need somewhere safe to go with you and your two children. Do you have financial resources independent from him? Do you have passports for both children?

BluntAndToThePoint Sat 20-Apr-19 15:56:20

NorahBlanche No one can give accurate advice unless you name the country you're living in. The rules and regulations differ so much from country to country.

TigersRoll Sat 20-Apr-19 15:59:03

Why do people always leave out the actual country they’re in? The scenario is going to be completely different if you’re in Spain compared to Iran for example

MsLayla Sat 20-Apr-19 15:59:27

This sounds like a terrible situation.

Do you have access to any money? You need to get away from this drug house, if you can't leave the country immediately you still need to get out of there. Call a local women's refuge for advice.

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