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To wonder how to feel about DS (13) friends mum

(114 Posts)
SandraDea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:22:52

About 18 months ago my DS 13 was friends with another boy (also 13). They’d hang out together have pizza nights sleep overs at mine and other boys house etc. The boys parents even invited my son to go on holiday which meant we went to the time and expense of fast tracking a passport for my son. In the few weeks leading up to the holiday my son started behaving quite badly both in school and out of school (dabbling with vaping and smoking weed and being disrespectful in school)

. On a couple of occasions the mum would call me to ask if she knew that both my son and hers were hanging around in town centre (it was later than their curfew on a Saturday night) and generally express concern about what they were up to. Anyway the upshot was all of a sudden her son was not allowed to hang around with mine and we didn’t hear anything more about the holiday.

We’ve had a difficult year or so and now seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school. All of a sudden this friend has reappeared on the scene and the mum has sent a few texts just with things like arranging to collect her son from my house etc.

My issue is she is acting like there’s no history and tbh I feel her behaviour was a bit stuck up and self righteous. She’s now texting me with friendly messages and I feel she is trying to have some kind of relationship with me.

My son is quite a popular lad with a lot of friends and is not particularly bothered about having a friendship with this particular boy - in fact he’s told me that this boy was doing all the things he was but just didn’t get caught!

I don’t feel anything but annoyance towards this mum and I hate being false and pretending to like someone when I don’t!

WWYD?

ThisIsTheEndgame Sat 20-Apr-19 14:27:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with a mother discouraging a friendship if the friend is going off the rails a bit then being happy for it to be picked up again when the other party has sorted themself out.

Meandwinealone Sat 20-Apr-19 14:28:48

Surely your son is old enough to make his own decisions about friends. So I’m not sure how you can stop him. You say he’s not bothered but your son must have gone along with reigniting the friendship?

Also I don’t think she was unreasonable to not want her son hanging out with your son at that point in his life.

SandraDea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:31:10

The issue is not with the friendship between the boys it’s about me and the other mum

SandraDea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:32:32

I think it was a bit shitty inviting him on holiday, giving me the dates then just not bothering to contact me - I think that’s rude

Eustasiavye Sat 20-Apr-19 14:33:14

I wouldn't be in any rush to make friends with her. If your son wants to be friends with him then fine but I wouldn't encourage it beyond that.
It sounds as though she is one of those parents who blame others rather than her own children.

TapasForTwo Sat 20-Apr-19 14:33:39

I agree with EndGame.
Your son was going off the rails, and she felt that he was a bad influence. It sounds like you are in denial about this.

ambereeree Sat 20-Apr-19 14:34:00

What did you expect her to do?

Oakmaiden Sat 20-Apr-19 14:36:28

smoking weed

at 13???

SandraDea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:36:31

I expected her to at least let me know that my son was no longer going on holiday with them and had the decency to have a conversation with me about why!

RedSkyLastNight Sat 20-Apr-19 14:37:28

If you don't want to be friends with her then don't be. The boys are old enough to be friends (or not) with put you.

MrsKrabbapple Sat 20-Apr-19 14:41:59

If they weren’t allowed to hang out together then it’s implied that they wouldn’t be taking your son on holiday.

My 13 year old is reading the Beano and listening to music right now. Smoking seed and vaping isn’t what most 13 year olds do in their spare time.

Mintandthyme Sat 20-Apr-19 14:42:06

Call her.

NottonightJosepheen Sat 20-Apr-19 14:42:24

I think her just abandoning the holiday plans with your son with no explanation are just wrong.

If it were me, I would put boundaries up between her and me. I wouldn't encourage the friendship with her son and my son, nor would I denigrate his choice if he wanted to remain friends but I would talk with him about loyalty and an expectation that he be treated well.

I would want to draw a line under the whole situation and move on. Your son has turned a corner and that is admirable. I would support his efforts in this.

HollowTalk Sat 20-Apr-19 14:42:37

Yes, she should have told you that the invitation to go on holiday was off - that was wrong of her.

What she did was separate your son and her son - it sounds as though she made a very good decision there.

Sn0tnose Sat 20-Apr-19 14:43:51

I can see it from both sides to be honest. If her son wasn't caught doing the same things yours was, I expect she feels like your son was the bad influence, instead of realising that teenage boys, in general, are more than capable of leading themselves astray without any help.

It was a bit off not to contact you about the holiday, but I can see why she wouldn't want to. I mean, what would she say? 'Your son is too badly behaved to come away with us'? (From her point of view). There are very few ways a conversation like that could go and not many of them would be positive.

The point is, you're right. Your contact with her is separate to your sons friendship. You don't have to be friends with her. Just stay civil.

BlueMerchant Sat 20-Apr-19 14:45:40

It wasn't right inviting your ds on holiday then not following through with the plans.
I don't know if I'm honest whether I would feel able to speak to you again after doing this. It's unfair. She can't just sweep the huge deal of inviting then kind of uninviting your son under the carpet and carry on regardless when it suits.
I wouldn't be happy my son socializing at this family's home nor would I be replying to any texts from this mother.
It's likely only a matter of time before your son gets blamed again for some issue or other.

BlueJag Sat 20-Apr-19 14:46:08

I also have a 13 year old sons. People are saying that it's up to him who he is friends with? Excuse me but if somebody is a bad influence or my son's behaviour was not appropriate I'll certainly would stop out of hours socialising.
The mother of that boy dropped you without a second thought. I'll be polite but firm about social interaction.
I think you were getting too deep with them and I think she did you a favour.
If she wanted you out stay out.

englishdictionary Sat 20-Apr-19 14:49:19

It wasn't right inviting your ds on holiday then not following through with the plans.

Of course it is ok. There is no way I would take a weed smoking 13yo on holiday. Fuck being tied to that shit. The offer of a holiday is there for the kid based in their behaviour at the time, if the kid dramatically changes then of course you can change your mind.

OP, the mum should have communicated better with you, she didn't. It's no big deal though, she is your kids friends mum, not your friend. Don't sweat it.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:49:51

So maybe she could have picked up the phone and said you’re son is a bad influence, we don’t approve of the drug taking etc and don’t feel we could cope looking after him on holiday. Tough phone call to make though.

Not her fault your son didn’t have a passport - she probably assumed he did when she invited him.

Tbh with the baehaviours you described at such a young age, I wouldn’t want my child to be friends again. Wrong I know - Andy may be I am sheltered - but it’s really Bad behaviour. She maybe thought there is no way they exp3ct every to take him on holiday - if Beyoncé can’t control how they hell can I.

I would forgive her for not handling a really awkward situation perfectly.

NottonightJosepheen Sat 20-Apr-19 14:50:21

It's likely only a matter of time before your son gets blamed again for some issue or other.

Yes, that would be a worry. Also, if OPs son is cast as the bad apple that may lead the other's son astray, when does that become an unhealthy friendship dynamic or a self fulfilling prophecy?

I would feel so uneasy about my son cultivating a friendship where he was aware his friend's mother/parents didn't really think he was 'good enough'.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:52:04

Beyoncé? Where the hell did she come from!, obvious yet strange typo

Mintandthyme Sat 20-Apr-19 14:56:17

* seem to have my son back on track with his behaviour both in and out of school.*

You posted last week that he has got a police interview coming up having been caught on cctv trying to steal a bike. It sounds from that as if he is not back on track ...

choli Sat 20-Apr-19 14:58:28

My 13 year old is reading the Beano and listening to music right now. Smoking seed and vaping isn’t what most 13 year olds do in their spare time.
Neither is reading a comic meant for much younger children.

SandraDea Sat 20-Apr-19 14:59:48

Mint and thyme - the incident for the police interview was over a month ago now- police still haven’t arranged it

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