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Husbands who poo to shirk duties

(80 Posts)
tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 12:46:27

Every single night it happens. He jumps up with the “uncontrollable urge” to 💩 just as we’re finishing dinner, leaving me to clear the table, clean up DS, wash up etc. No, he doesn’t have any digestive issues, unless you count the uncanny ability to give me the shits. Though I suspect he considers that more of a superpower than an ailment.

AIBU to be sick of men and their shit?

Eslteacher06 Sat 20-Apr-19 12:47:57

Don't wash up straight after dinner and leave it for him?

Cherrysoup Sat 20-Apr-19 12:49:06

Exactly, just go and watch tv and ask him to clear.

SparklesandFlowers Sat 20-Apr-19 12:49:16

Just leave it for him to do when he's done!

Rainandclouds Sat 20-Apr-19 12:49:18

Mine is the same. Anytime anything needs to be done. He needs a poo that lasts 45 minutes. If we are just about to leave, he needs a poo, already late? Needs a poo. He has nothing wrong with him either (I have sent him to the drs to check) I am all for trying to escape from the kids but not all the time. He must spend at least 2 hours a day doing a poo!

Theoldwoman Sat 20-Apr-19 12:49:32

I had to read the title a few times and still didn't know what you meant.

Go and do something else, and leave the mess until he resurfaces.

MummBraTheEverLeaking Sat 20-Apr-19 12:50:17

Yep, just leave it there and let him know that's absolutely fine, it'll just be waiting for him when he gets back!

ohdeartheregotheeggs Sat 20-Apr-19 12:50:18

Dh does this every time dinner is made. So i will often shout him to help plate up or to stick some veg in the microwave etc and he says okay just going for a wee first 🙄🙄🙄 makes me want to strangle him!

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 12:53:39

I do leave it there at times, but if I don’t at least clean up DS he puts his grubby hands all over everything.

@Rainandclouds mine too. Exactly. I wonder if he’s being PA. How on earth can they spend so much time sitting on a cold, hard toilet seat and find that enjoyable...

gamerchick Sat 20-Apr-19 12:56:09

Tell him before the meal. That he's clearing up whether he vanishes to the bog or not. Just do the bairn.

justasking111 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:00:32

Oh leave the dishes for him. I do wish men would realise that sitting on the loo for long periods causes piles. If they knew how much they hurt they would be a bit quicker.

Forgotmycoat Sat 20-Apr-19 13:05:08

I bet all these men take their phones in the loo with them. Ask them not to and see what they say?
Failing that, turn off the Wi-Fi, and send the kids to ask daddy to hurry up ie, bang on the door. After all, I bet no mum of young kids ever gets a toilet break without her dc breaking the door down let alone 45 min pooing time.

Jakethekid Sat 20-Apr-19 13:05:40

My partner does this but in the morning. Gets up as late as he can before work then goes straight into the toilet leaving me to get son up, changed, dressed and fed, brew made for him and then emerges funnily enough when it's all been done, just in time for him to leave for work.

TigersRoll Sat 20-Apr-19 13:08:12

God my ex used to do this all the time!!! He was the most inconsiderate shitter in the world.

Kids getting ready for school - he needs a shit
Need help with dinner - he needs a shit
Need help clearing up - he needs a shit
Grass needs cutting - he needs a shit

Bastard. Makes me feel angry just thinking about him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sat 20-Apr-19 13:13:00

Clean up your DS, leave everything else.

I do quite often need to poo after a big meal, DH is the same. Is that not a thing? Neither of us take ages to do it though.

nonevernotever Sat 20-Apr-19 13:14:32

Though to be fair eating is a trigger for pooing, along with exercise and fear. Just leave the clearing up for him to do after

KylieKoKo Sat 20-Apr-19 13:14:58

Unless it's something that has to be done immediately you need to stop enabling it while doing it while he's pooing. Or preempt him by announcing your doing a poo and lock yourself in your bathroom leaving him to deal with it.

Tobebythesea Sat 20-Apr-19 13:18:22

My DH does this 3 times a day! Just clean your child and tell him before he leaves the table that you’ll leave the table uncleared until he comes back. He’s taking the piss and he’s getting away with and knows it.

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 13:25:46

@TigersRoll “Inconsiderate shitter” - nice. Mine also often shits just before bedtime before I can get my last wee in, forcing me to hold my breath while I do it. Apparently he “can’t hold on” for me to wee.

At least he doesn’t leave skidmarks, though he did leave a giant pube the other day. Thankfully it was on the toilet seat rather than on the kettle...

bridgetreilly Sat 20-Apr-19 13:29:24

He gets to clean DS before he goes and clean the rest whenever he's done.

Mix56 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:30:10

tell him he can leave his phone behind
if he asks why, tell him

Sarahjconnor Sat 20-Apr-19 13:31:38

My F was the king of the 'control shit'. He regularly used to pack 8 kids into the car then say he was off for a shit and leave us there for 30 mins before we'd head off on a family day out.

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 13:32:06

@bridgetreilly But it’s an “emergency” evacuation so he can’t wait. He takes poo very seriously. I mentioned I hadn’t had a poo in a few days once and he went white and said we needed to go to the emergency department.

echt Sat 20-Apr-19 13:33:07

How long does he spend doing this?

Sunshineface123 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:34:03

Turn your WiFi off the second he goes in the bathroom, you might find he's at least a bit quicker

Buddytheelf85 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:41:47

My DH is exactly the same - so is my best friend’s. It’s definitely a thing. Ask him to clear up and he’ll say ‘I just need to pop to the loo’. Then he’ll emerge from the loo 45 minutes later, zipping up his flies, when he knows full well everything’s been done, and ask ‘right, what needs to be done then?’

Millie2018 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:42:19

Lazy arse. Leave them for him. It takes 3 consecutive days to break a habit right? By day 4 the uncontrollable urge to poo at that time should have passed.

BarbarianMum Sat 20-Apr-19 13:46:51

Really Buddy? And never once has it occurred to you to just leave clearing up til he reappears? Lazy men and their martyrish wives.

ThatDeadlyJetty Sat 20-Apr-19 13:47:00

If you know him so well as to know his timing, get in there first.
This may mean not finishing your dinner, but it will be worth it.

Lweji Sat 20-Apr-19 13:49:55

Emergency poos take 5 min tops.
If he takes more than that, it's not an emergency.

Get DS out and clean him. Leave the rest for him, as you've done your part. Every day.

Echobelly Sat 20-Apr-19 13:50:25

Mine doesn't do it to avoid duties,but yes, it is an annoying habit when we need to bloody leave to go somewhere!

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 13:59:47

@echt About 40min, several times a day. He often chats with his family while in there.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut Sat 20-Apr-19 14:03:04

brew made for him and then emerges funnily enough when it's all been done, just in time for him to leave for work.

More fool you.

Leave it all. Tell him, 'Seems like you think you can get out of life by going for a shit. Fuck that game. You can do all this once you get out.'

Then leave and take a walk.

LadyRannaldini Sat 20-Apr-19 14:03:40

My OH has always had this thing about leaving a greasy dish or pan 'to soak'. Usually, after about half an hour I will remind him that it's soaked enough to be washable.
On a similar subject, why do men not realise that a pan and even plates have underneaths that might need some attention too?

VladmirsPoutine Sat 20-Apr-19 14:04:04

What is the point of all this scheming. Whatever happened to an adult couple having a conversation. Why can't you just say: "H, I've noticed you leave the table after dinner and don't help with clearing up or with DS. Why are you shirking your responsibilities? You need to pull your weight. I'm not the maid."

NaturatintGoldenChestnut Sat 20-Apr-19 14:04:12

My DH is exactly the same - so is my best friend’s. It’s definitely a thing. Ask him to clear up and he’ll say ‘I just need to pop to the loo’. Then he’ll emerge from the loo 45 minutes later, zipping up his flies, when he knows full well everything’s been done, and ask ‘right, what needs to be done then?

So don't do it. 'I just need to pop to the loo'. 'Fine. I'll leave the washing up then.' And turn off the WiFi.

Preggosaurus9 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:04:29

Definitely jump up with last bite still on plate and announce you're going to the loo.

Take your phone. Stay in there 45 mins.

When you come out ask why dinner not been cleared away!

GabsAlot Sat 20-Apr-19 14:07:50

i agree with @lweji emergency poo 5 minutes tops -theyre taking the piss out of you if longer

tictoc76 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:08:19

HAha - mine does the same but In the morning when kids needs dressing and breakfast sorted. He can easily spend half an hour on the toilet!

Duster12 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:14:42

Urgh fucking weird. Is putting up with creepy shit like this really better than having to cope with the crushing, utterly life-ending shame of having to tell people you're single?

MashedSpud Sat 20-Apr-19 14:18:13

Ask him to not take his phone.

Poo time/porn time will reduce dramatically.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut Sat 20-Apr-19 14:23:12

I wouldn't be with someone like this, but the PA ideas are ridiculous. Just tell the person, 'You're using the shitter to get out of lifework. It's not on.' 'But I can't control when I need to take a shit.' 'No, but it's not an excuse to get out of pulling your weight. So I'll leave all the work till after you get out/we'll all get up earlier to you can have your shit and then we can share the parenting/etc.'

Purplecatshopaholic Sat 20-Apr-19 14:24:25

Leave it all for when he comes out. Simple! I didn't realise mine used to take his phone in there - he spent so much time in the loo I thought he was ill!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Sat 20-Apr-19 14:30:15

I thought mine was bad having a 30 min shit every morning,a few times a day is definitely swerving life.

Buddytheelf85 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:30:34

Really Buddy? And never once has it occurred to you to just leave clearing up til he reappears? Lazy men and their martyrish wives.

Of course it’s occurred to me (I never said it hadn’t!) But realistically, in family life, leaving stuff until later isn’t always practical or possible - which he knows. He reserves this stunt for such occasions!

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 20-Apr-19 14:31:20

"@echt About 40min, several times a day. He often chats with his family while in there."
Then I'd be insisting he leaves the phone at the table. Because he's not using a loo trip to shirk, he's using chatting to shirk. If he genuinely is feeling urgency to defecate, it is NOT taking 40 minutes.

"^If you know him so well as to know his timing, get in there first.^
"This may mean not finishing your dinner, but it will be worth it."^
And I would definitely be doing this too.

Or secretly building a sodding Faraday Cage into the walls of the loo. Lets see how long he takes when no signal can get past the cage. (OK, I know this would be impossible to do secretly, but a girl can dream ...)

RLOU30 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:31:28

Yep mine does this. Soon as the washing machine beeps apparently so does Mother Nature.
The timer is showing 2 mins until dinners ready? Guess who else needs a number 2?

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 14:36:44

@Buddytheelf85 Well said.

Though I agree with @NaturatintGoldenChestnut about the brew. Even the times shit needs to be done for my son or whatever I would never make my husband a brew so he can jump out of bed and bugger off having done nothing.

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 14:40:59

@WhereYouLeftIt If I really wanted to I could just alter his phone settings so he couldn’t use it and he’d have no idea how to fix it given he’s a technophobe. But I’m not, as someone mentioned, a schemer. Besides. He’s just read National Geographic anyway.

Cannyhandleit Sat 20-Apr-19 14:44:44

My DP goes every morning as soon as he wakes up so if it's my morning for a long life he wakes me up to watch the kids while he goes!! I have on countless times told him that when I have to go and he's at work I just have to deal with the constant interruptions and stares of bewilderment from the smallest one! Apparently poo time is a quiet time for him!

tympanic Sat 20-Apr-19 14:48:31

@Cannyhandleit Right?! I honestly think men view poo very differently to us. It’s a sacred time and all conditions must be met to achieve the perfect poo.

EL8888 Sat 20-Apr-19 14:49:54

@VladmirsPoutine that’s the approach l take with my partner

Clutterbugsmum Sat 20-Apr-19 15:48:04

I'd ask him to make an appointment with his doctor as he clearly has issues as he needs to be in the toilet immediately after dinner for 40 mins and then again a few hours later at bedtime. So he really needs to make sure that there is nothing more serious wrong with him.

If he does not have an issue other then not wanting to help, then he can start cooking and cleaning his own dinner because I'am no longer facilitating him being lazy.

Numptybean Sat 20-Apr-19 16:16:07

It's uncanny! 45 mins here too! Lol at Wi-Fi. Now there's a thought grin

jacksonmaine Sat 20-Apr-19 16:19:55

I used to think all men did this as my DF and DB would occupy the loo for hours. Luckily my DH takes no time at all!

Sorry no help but I do remember the old days... wink

heatwave2019 Sat 20-Apr-19 16:26:07

My boyfriend does 45-50minute shits every morning and it drives me nuts.envy I can't get in the bathroom to get ready & I also can't go in it afterwards till it's aired for 15 mins angry

He also takes his laptop in there vom

cushellekoala Sat 20-Apr-19 16:33:39

My mum always used to have "an important phonecall" to make literally every time we finished a meal with masses of washing up!! even as kids we realised this was a get-out clause!😂

StarCutterCookie Sat 20-Apr-19 16:43:16

Turn off the WiFi? That'll do fuck all...

If he's got phone signal, he's got Internet. He'll take a book/magazine/leaflet in if you take his phone away.

Just Remind him as he closes the door the dishes/baby/chore will still be waiting and go and put your feet up until he's back.

I swear people in here are either thick or love being a martyr.

Topseyt Sat 20-Apr-19 16:43:16

My DH does this the other way round. When I shout "Dinner's ready" he seems to hear "Go to the toilet" instead. So he does.

He does help a lot with the clearing up though, so redeems himself somewhat.

Wheresmyvagina Sat 20-Apr-19 16:49:19

I wonder why some men take so long to poo. I've never met a woman who does it. Someone on mumsnet once said that her DH didn't 'push' he would just sit there for as long as it took for gravity to do the job, hence taking 45 minutes plus.
My DS shows signs of being a slow pooer but I'm talking 4-5 minutes and I do remind him to hurry up if he takes too long. I'm not raising a selfish shitter.
Seriously though, boys are slower to grasp potty training for poos too, is there some physiological reason?

MysweetAudrina Sat 20-Apr-19 16:50:58

Are these men getting enough fibre in their diet? How does it take so long to have a shit. It takes me 5 mins and dh too. I don't understand how it could take 45 minutes to take a shit. I could birth a whole child in that time

pepperpot99 Sat 20-Apr-19 16:54:00

You need to outpoo him. As soon as you see him sidling off toiletwards, sprint there yourself. Make sure you have your phone, diary, ipad and a good novel. Spend 90 minutes in there. Add 10 mins per day. If you have another toilet in the house, block it.

jabylite Sat 20-Apr-19 16:54:43

I read somewhere that men take longer to do a No. 2.

I wonder.

My DS16 spends ages in the loo too.

Though I do suspect wifi an issue shock.

It really is v strange.

jabylite Sat 20-Apr-19 16:56:14

I mean its something to do with the way their internal organs are set out.

Mind you, I often wonder why women in public toilets e.g. department stores take literally 5 - 10 minutes to do a quick pee. I'm in and out, me.

jabylite Sat 20-Apr-19 16:56:39

I like pepper's idea!

Lemonsquinky Sat 20-Apr-19 16:59:13

My son does this. It drives me mad. He's 14.

SpeakUpXXWomen Sat 20-Apr-19 17:05:31

Remove the lock from the bathroom door and hide it in the cupboard under the sink.

You will need to just pop in to grab your hand cream forgetting to close the door on your way back out then return with the loo roll or a fresh bottle of bleach send children to ask questions repeatedly obviously. Pets should visit too. Render the escape plan obsolete.

This is like the shitting man thread. Relying on your ingrained humanity and good manners to take total advantage.

Tactical shitting is an intolerable step on the manipulation ladder, right next to do it badly so you won't be asked again and pretend you didn't hear that.

All of this behaviour will continue as long as it is tolerated and by that I do mean enabled. It's low level abuse, see it for what it is and don't tolerate it for a millisecond.

He goes for a shit in a locked bathroom, give him the 30 seconds it takes to grab the sticky child and then stand outside the bathroom door knocking on it til it opens then hand him the child. Make sure those dishes are always waiting. It is totally grim but bet you don't have to do it more than twice!

Insomnibrat Sat 20-Apr-19 17:22:31

'Ask him to not take his phone.

Poo time/porn time will reduce dramatically'

Surely he isn't having a wank after a baked potato every day!?!

LarryGreysonsDoor Sat 20-Apr-19 17:32:58

My DH will spend hours shitting. He’s not avoiding jobs or other duties (no DH) but everything must happen post shit.
Putting the dishwasher on/putting the bins out can only be done with a completely empty bladder.

sue51 Sat 20-Apr-19 17:40:23

40 minutes to poo! Needs more roughage in his diet and a trip to the doctors is probably in order. Definitely leave all clearing up for him to get on with when he eventually emerges from the loo.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sat 20-Apr-19 17:43:35

Stir a spoonful of inulin (soluble fibre made from chicory) into his tea a couple of times a day. That'll speed things up. I swear by it, I stopped eating porridge to try and lower my carb intake so I take inulin to replace the soluble fibre that I used to get from the porridge.

Her0utdoors Sat 20-Apr-19 17:44:25

It's top reason on the list of why we aren't getting a house with two toilets for the foreseeable future (and my h does actually have a condition where it can be urgent). He doesn't get the option of checking out of parenting if he's home.

LittlePaintBox Sat 20-Apr-19 17:53:17

40 minutes to poo sounds like unproductive constipation to me. Yes, he definitely needs help - more fibre/laxative. Sitting and straining for 40 minutes is really bad for him.

If the issue is mainly the shirking, and you couldn't give a shit about the state of his bowels, just leave it all for him to do. It's really poor for the person preparing the meal to clear up after it.

We were tyrannised in the opposite way by my mum's bowels. At the weekend, she'd announce very early that she was going to need 'a move' soon, and wouldn't be able to wait, so it was bad luck for anyone else who felt the call of nature or wanted to use the bath at that time.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger Sat 20-Apr-19 17:54:27

If it takes 40 minutes to produce a poo he doesn't actually need a poo. I've pushed a 9lb baby out in less than 40 minutes ffs.

Insomnibrat Sat 20-Apr-19 17:58:50

I really think we need to reclaim pooing, ladies.
It can't purely be the preserve of the male.

RaspberryRipple1963 Sat 20-Apr-19 18:06:05

My son-in-law does,this,so I'm told by my Dd. Every single time they get back from their big weekly shop,he disappears into the toilet for a 20 minute sit down,leaving her to put away all the shopping. Without fail,every single time.

Planetian Sat 20-Apr-19 18:12:59

Oh I didn’t realise this was a thing! Mine does the same... one of the many reasons I’m currently considering divorce!

Planetian Sat 20-Apr-19 18:16:03

He also desperately “needs a wee” whenever we come home home from somewhere with the kids. We have 2 in car seats who need to be taken out and carried in yet he always runs ahead, opens the door and runs to the loo leaving me to it. Incredibly selfish... I’ve had two tough labours and my pelvic floor muscles are shot, yet I can still hold on to my wee for 20 seconds to take my children out of the car. God I’m starting to hate the bastard...

GaraMedouar Sat 20-Apr-19 18:23:14

My exP was the same. And always took his phone or iPad in!

LarryGreysonsDoor Sat 20-Apr-19 18:34:44

I meant that we have no dc, not no DH.
And DH doesn’t take that long to poo. He will emerge from the toilet to tell me about his latest vintage computer purchase from eBay.

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