to feel insulted by my friend?(95 Posts)
Genuinely not sure if IABU.
Backstory is i've been friends with this woman since our kids were babies - so about 7 years. Met at a baby group and had a friend in common. Friend had PND, which I suggested at the time only to be sharply told I was 'catastrophising' by her. Didn't mention it again but was supportive in whichever way I could be. She has recently admitted she probably did have it. We've both had various struggles and become single mum's since then; her ex is around and she has family in the same town. My ex isn't and my sole family member lives miles away, so less support.
Recently we got together and I had said I was feeling emotionally delicate (mainly issues with money, low confidence, no job prospects and lack of direction). We met up, I made dinner and found things for kids to do. We had some wine and got chatting. She managed to say in the conversation that I always think of the worst option and go with it. I was a bit hurt tbh as it's not as if I am not trying and the reason I felt delicate was because it has been hard, not that I haven't even tried because it would be hard. However I brushed over it and acted fine because I do sometimes spiral with anxiety and thought she could have a point and tried to take it as advice/constructive criticism.
Anyway this last week she has been low and was messaging me that all she can think to do is drink. There was an issue with a man turning her down and stress in her workplace. I invited her over for dinner.
I cooked what I could in advance. She turned up 45mins late and barely apologised. She bought her kid, who she had said would be with her mum. I like him, but my daughter struggles a bit as they get on but have few shared interests. So that was kick No. 1. actually adding the late 1&2.
We sit in the sun and she has some of the wine I bought. She immediately asks how much I spent on it and calls me a 'cheapskate'. We are both single parents and my income is low as she well knows. I brush it off at the time but now see that as kick No.3.
We talk about her issues and try to put the world to rights. I go in and finish off the cooking, despite her saying they ate before they got here - kick No. 4 as I messaged her at 10am asking if what I was going to cook was OK. Had already left it half an hour past our usual dinner time as her son had said he wasn't hungry. It seems they were late because they ate en route in town .
I serve up and she immediately says "it's cold!" and insists on microwaving it. Had done rice for kids in advance but cauliflower rice for us as she is very concerned about her weight. Doing both meant the rice wasn't steaming but the chicken was... so of course I say "Oh no! Yes do microwave it, sorry!" - kids are tucking in regardless and it's fine for me. Maybe I'm just taking umbridge in hindsight but that was rude I thought, so K5.
She sits to eat and pushes it around her plate a bit. Suggests cauliflower rice isn't as nice as she had thought it might be. Leaves half of her chicken - K6. Kids polish it all off as do I.
We go back outside into the evening sun and do egg hunt for kids that I bought chocolates and eggs for. I bring out a choc egg from Aldi I got for myself for us to have while kids eat theirs. It was pretty grim tbh and I said "Ugh, sorry for the horrid chocolate, Aldi is usually pretty good but I can't eat it!" she then went on about how the kids had M&S mini wrapped eggs and I tried to feed her the rubbish Aldi chocolate! I had explained it was actually my egg for Easter, which I don't even usually do, but I wanted to share it with her... felt that was a bit rude too so K6.
We then talked about holidays we'd like to do with the kids and a mutual friend who lives abroad. Got the distinct impression she didn't want to make plans with us and she kept saying "we won't be as organised as you usually are you know, no advance planning or anything". Then tried to railroad me into going on holiday with her and her ex instead! I have spent 7 years listening to how horrid this man is and why she would want to go away with him is strange to me. I manage to wriggle out of it as I fear she merely wants me to bear witness to his odd parenting or to share the 'load'.
She then talks about her dream holiday - not likely to happen in next 5 years and v. expensive. I mentioned that the area is volitile atm and I personally would be a bit scared to go there. She immediately snapped at me "thanks for completely shutting down any hope I had for my ideal holiday situation with you incessant worst case scenario attitude. FGS!"
I was as it was pretty forceful and went quiet for a few seconds tried to explain I wasn't trying to be negative but she repeated the same over me. Kick 7. I changed the subject and we moved on.
She goes on to say I am basically ruled by my daughter and whatever she says goes. I am not a "shouty" parent like she is. I am very calm and only shout when I really need to. DD and I have a good relationship but recently she is being more defiant and I had confident it is challenging at times. This felt like she was using it against me and I said actually I do tell her off and cited something just this morning - she smirked at me and insisted that was "nothing" (K7). About 10 mins after this she declares her taxi is outside and they rush off! She hadn't event told me she had booked a taxi (thought she was being rude looking at her phone tbh!).
So, AIBU to feel that it was a bit of a shitshow, despite my efforts, and my friend has been U?
Just realised my worry is that I have made this a big deal and "catastrophised" it!
Oh and last bit was that I had confided to her, not confident.
Sorry for epic post!
she doesnt sound like much of a friend to me
I think you’re being a bit unreasonable with all this point scoring of supposed slights against you. You don’t seem to like her very much and it sounds like that showed. Probably best to back off from the whole thing for a bit.
She sounds bloody awful. Life is too short to spend with people like that.
I used to think she just didn't hold punches, but it feels more and more like it's spiteful.
Maybe I need a backbone, like she says. Feel a bit like I'm going to be told on here I'm a walkover. I can't just change who I am though!
Actually can't believe I'm up at 5am worrying about it!
Agree with above pp - she does not sound like a nice friend. Sorry OP. I would definitely distance myself
How are you not sure if you’re being reasonable?! If you read that post, would you not be thinking how ridiculously rude the woman is?
She’s not a friend, get rid. Life’s too short to spend with people who are critical of you and don’t appreciate what you do for them (cooking, providing wine, sharing chocolate). Out of interest, what did she bring to the meal? Common courtesy would dictate she should have provided a bottle of wine or chocs, but it doesn’t sound like she did?
She did bring wine. Which was much nicer than mine!
We actually do get on well usually - I do like her but perhaps because I found her honest. Just feels that's tipped into rudeness the last few times we've met.
Is it just because she's low though?
Trouble is i'm also low so not sure if I'm over thinking or being reasonable that she was being offensive.
friends are meant to be supportive and fun and also lift you up, it doesn't sound like she is doing anything but making you feel bad, about yourself, your parenting and your situation
and even if shes low or depressed she shouldn't try to make you feel bad so she can feel good, that's mean girl territory
she really doesn't sound very nice at all or appreciative of your efforts, as it appears she bitched and moaned her way thru the entire evening and once she had you starting to doubt yourself she fucked off home
You can be low and still aware of the basic tenets of politeness though - I have friends with clinical depression who would never behave like that.
Maybe just put a bit of distance there; if she asks why, you can be honest back and say it didn’t seem like she really enjoyed the evening with you. It gives her the chance to either apologise or explain.
I think you lost count, I was up to about K10!
Sorry OP she doesn't sound like a kind, supportive friend. Maybe you are just in different places just now. Practice your assertiveness by keeping your distance. Try not to over think and move on. And thanks for the heads up about the Aldi egg, I'm off to Lidl!
It's the purple wrapped one with chocs inside - grim!
Yes, I think distance.
Another friend did recently say that this friend "gets away with a lot" around me - which I think was perhaps her way of saying she's been being mean. She was at the last meet up before this and heard her comments to me.
Yes I've certainly had much nicer meet ups over the Easter holidays! In fact this is the first time i've drunk and was worried that might be making me see it as negative too.
Can see now I have just let her get worse and not stood up to her.
Not that i'm going to do that as I hate confrontation, but I will be honest if she asks (she won't!). I just won't arrange another meet up with her for a good while and think i'll make sure other people are around if I do invite her in future.
You are fundamentally unsuited and you've fallen into an unhealthy dynamic that's become a thing between the two of you that neither of you will change.
She's too forthright for someone like you who is clearly very over-sensitive and you seem to crave her approval even though it sounds like you don't actually like her all that much.
You either accept this and bumble along for the rest of time, constantly over-analysing everything she says and not really relaxing in her company or you accept that you aren't a great match and let the friendship die a natural death by no longer connecting her.
So I am being over sensitive? Or am I just rightly thinking she was rude?
This is exactly what I feel she set out to make me feel and I was trying to brush all of the kicks off as they happened...it's only now I'm thinking about it because it's becoming a regular thing that it's not fun to meet up.
What would other people have done, out of interest?
She sounds like hard work. Put a bit of distance between you for a little while and see how it is in a few months. If she's still the same- ditch her!
I think she was quite rude, but I also think you sound over-sensitive. She will know this about you and wind you up with little digs on purpose. That's what I meant by an unhealthy dynamic the pair of you have fallen into that neither of you can change.
Ah OK - yes, that's how I've felt around her, like she is trying to wind me up. It's not helped by me feeling low at the same time too!
A bit of both - she sounds outspoken and rude, you sound as though you might overthink and analyse a lot.
People you meet when you both have young babies aren’t always going to be lifelong friends. Getting pregnant at a similar time will not be enough in common to keep a friendship going.
Whether she is at fault on this occasion or not, if you aren’t really compatible then just let the friendship go. Invest your time in people who make you happy and support you.
Was the holiday place she mentioned Turkey op? I've heard that from loads of people too and we love it there.
Anyway, back to the point, this woman is not a friend. A friendship should be easy and pretty much effortless at times if a good solid one.
I have the impression that this woman talks down to you because she sees you as weak. I had this with a so called friend of mine who thought I was soft, until I stood up for myself.
What do you get out of this friendship? Very little by the sound of it.
I would let her go.
No it was India - a month long trip.
Yes she does see me as weak and I realised that a while back. I was strong enough emotionally then to be able to see that as fine because actually what she thinks are weaknesses I see as strengths - not always having to shout/compromising/keeping calm, etc.
She's horribly rude to you op! I don't understand the poster who said you were UR to make a list of all the rude things - how else are you meant to spot the different between a one-off and a pattern of behaviour?
Back way, way off, and have some responses ready for when she's unkind to you.
I.e. "That hurts my feelings, and I don't believe it's true either".
"Please don't criticise my parenting - I don't like it, and I don't think I am unreasonable to feel that way."
"I wish you'd told me that you'd eaten already - we delayed dinner on your behalf, so we're all hungry!"
"I don't agree with you/I don't think that's true".
And as a nuclear option: "If you find me so negative, why are you here?" Followed by a long pause.
If she says she's coming to eat at a particular time, eat at that time. If she's late to a meeting, leave after 10 minutes. When she berates you, say that you assumed she wasn't coming and so got on with your day - DON'T apologise.
And certainly don't go on holiday with her, let alone for a month!!
Thank you - those replies are really helpful. The kind of thing I never think to say on the spot but realise shortly after.
Funnily enough after all her messaging saying she was depressed this week she decided when she was here she "wasn't really that bad" which I thought odd as her messages were pretty bad and I invited her over to be supportive. Maybe picking at me boosted her, which is my worry as it does have a negative effect on me.
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