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To ask about disastrously short marriages and how you coped

(94 Posts)
hellsweddingbells Fri 19-Apr-19 15:25:50

Long time MNetter but nc'd for this!

I know I'm by no means the first or last to have an embarrassingly short marriage and I have come to see it more as I'm glad I had the balls to walk away rather than as a failure.
The strange thing is I didn't marry in haste - had been together 3 years, but within a matter of days (I really don't think I was imagining it) his behaviour changed and he seemed like he thought he was boss and got very controlling and stopped making any effort altogether. Within maybe two months it seemed like he couldn't be bothered to say hello when he came in and barely spoke to me.
If I'd been an "I've dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl" kind of person and had been pushing him into it, I could have understood, but if anything, he seemed keener to get married than I did, so there's no way I think anyone could say he got pushed into it.
I tried to stay positive and waited a few months to see if things changed but he became so controlling I had to get out.

I wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences or their marriage didn't last very long and if there were any warning signs or red flags you ignored. I don't really like having to explain it to people because it's not their business, but I also doubt it's as unheard of as I probably first thought.

Alsohuman Fri 19-Apr-19 15:33:17

I don’t count my second marriage at all. The bastard walked out after six months. The ink was barely dry on the marriage certificate. The entire relationship is one of the very few things I regret in my life.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 19-Apr-19 15:34:16

I don't have experience, but I'm glad you had the strength to leave. I know many people would have stayed as the marraige was young and embarassingly short.

AfterLaughter Fri 19-Apr-19 15:37:33

15 months here, but within a fortnight I was looking up annulments and divorce, he left (ghosted me) around 5 times in those 15 months.

Married within 8 months of meeting. Switch flipped. Controlling. Abusive. Gaslighting. Turned out to also be an alcoholic.

Haven’t seen him since youngest was a newborn, thank fuck.

AestheticPerfection Fri 19-Apr-19 15:37:42

My marriage lasted six months and a week, I think. Warning signs for me? He hadn't wanted to get married. He hadn't wanted children. Oh and we weren't technically a regular couple when we accidentally got pregnant after a night of drinking. He was the one who insisted on trying, but I was unhappy and pushed for the marriage.

NannyRed Fri 19-Apr-19 15:43:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsweddingbells Fri 19-Apr-19 15:44:53

Thank you everyone who has posted.
If I'm honest, I had some doubts before the wedding, but I knew if I postponed it, that would be the end of the relationship and I could quite bring myself to call time on it at that stage.
I'm just curious whether others have experienced the same sudden change where it seems like the husband's behaviour deteriorates rapidly and it's as though he thinks once the wedding certificate is signed, it's a licence to be controlling and he doesn't need to make any effort whatsoever any more?

NannyRed Fri 19-Apr-19 15:45:37

Sorry, I’ve reported myself. Somehow I’ve replied to the wrong thread.

LizzieSiddal Fri 19-Apr-19 15:47:10

My sister knew on her honeymoon that her marriage would not last. She’s met and married him very quickly, and he turned out to be an alcoholic and very nasty with it.

I’ve always admired her so much for admitting to herself she’d made a mistake and for leaving so quickly.

She went in to remarry a wonderful man and has two Dds. She doesn’t tell people she’s been married before, I think if you don’t have dc together it’s much easier to do this.

Well done to you for recognising you need to leave. Don’t be ashamed, be proud that you’ve got out quickly.

AfterLaughter Fri 19-Apr-19 15:49:17

@hellsweddingbells Yes. The next day he was totally different. It was unbelievable, I was so confused. And spent a long time feeling like that.

hellsweddingbells Fri 19-Apr-19 15:50:02

@NannyRed I think you were trying to post on the one about marriage being hard? I read that one earlier and it really got me thinking about what marriage being hard means, but I feel what I experienced was abusive behaviour and there wasn't a hope in hell of persevering and working through that.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem Fri 19-Apr-19 15:50:10

I knew after six months. However it took me five years to leave. I was left with nothing but a bin bag, broken nose and an 18 month old. I hate him with every fibre of my being.

hellsweddingbells Fri 19-Apr-19 15:52:11

@AfterLaughter thank you for telling me that, it has made me feel a lot better to know that I wasn't mad to think the same at the time. I felt utterly bewildered and trapped like this complete sense of panic washed over me and I thought my god, what have I got myself into, a bit like I'd been conned.

hellsweddingbells Fri 19-Apr-19 15:53:22

@Rowenaravenclawsdiadem I'm so sorry you had to experience something so horrific. I'm glad you were able to leave and I wish you all the best.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Fri 19-Apr-19 15:57:10

My brother in law left his wife after four months. She’s very self involved and entitled. It’s her way or no way and she’s not particularly nice. No idea what he saw in her but I suppose opposites attract.

There were some signs before the wedding but he put that down to the stress of planning it all. He said the mask completely slipped on the honeymoon and she refused to go to counselling with him. So after a few attempts to make a go of it he ended things.

She was awful to our mother in law who couldn’t have been more supportive to her when all of this was happening. Probably because she knew no one else would rise to her attacks.

HomeMadeMadness Fri 19-Apr-19 15:59:50

Not me but good friend. Had been married a month when he changed his behaviour and said he no longer wanted kids. They'd been together for a few years and always planned to have kids straight after getting married (had planned honeymoon to avoid zika areas). Suddenly he was adamant he didn't want kids ever and there was no chance he would change his mind.

AfterLaughter Fri 19-Apr-19 16:05:05

@hellsweddingbells It’s exactly like being conned. I ended up with severe anxiety and barely left the house due to his behaviour. He would argue that black was white, belittle me, lie to me constantly, lie to other people about me, drove away my friends, made sure his family thought I was bat shit.

It took me 3.5 years to recover from sad

MyFavouriteDress1 Fri 19-Apr-19 16:05:22

I wish my marriage had been as short as yours. I knew early on it wouldn't last. Instead I wasted 12 years of my life with a horrible man. I could have found someone nicer in that time and even if I hadn't found someone else, I would have avoided all the misery he gave me.

Ellenborough Fri 19-Apr-19 16:08:53

Hang on, Afterlaughter did you marry this bloke after only 8 months of knowing him when you already had children from a previous relationship? shock

If he left you with a newborn after 15 months of marriage and you knew it was a mistake after a couple of weeks then why on earth did you have baby with him? confused

HomeMadeMadness Fri 19-Apr-19 16:09:13

Oh and how she coped? She left him quickly like you. She recently got engaged to a lovely guy! She did find it really awkward having to tell people who she wasn't close to but obviously knew she'd just got married but when that was done fortunately she was able to move on quickly.

Acis Fri 19-Apr-19 16:14:41

Don't be embarrassed by this OP, congratulate yourself on getting the hell out without wasting any more time on this man. It sounds as if he had a picture of marriage as a master/servant relationship where he just didn't need to keep trying. No wonder he was keen to get married!

Pyjamaface Fri 19-Apr-19 16:17:10

BIL and wife got married on the Saturday, he popped out on the Monday and went home to an empty house. She had taken herself off to shag someone she met online for a week.

Sadly she came back, because they had just got married he forgave her, and the next time and, indeed, the time after that.

Now, finally, he is done and looking for a place of his own, it's been less than 8 months married after an 8 year relationship

PaulHollywoodsSexGut Fri 19-Apr-19 16:17:58

I knew after 4 weeks.

He didn’t want to call me his wife as “girlfriend sounded much sexier”.

Inexplicably we limped on for another 3 years. It was total shit.

BluntAndToThePoint Fri 19-Apr-19 16:19:58

Cousin's marriage lasted a year. Once they got married it was revealed that he was on drugs. She became a shell of herself. She was too embarrassed to end it sooner because of what people would think and the amount of money people had spent on their wedding presents, etc.

NabooThatsWho Fri 19-Apr-19 16:23:57

I got married at 20, it lasted 8 months. He was emotionally abusive and everyone around me pressured me into the marriage. It was the ‘right’ thing to do after having a baby at 19. I never stood up for myself and just went along with it.

He was awful before we got married but promised things would get better after the wedding, he’d stop drinking and treat me and DD better. It got SO much worse.

Somehow, age 21, I found the strength to walk out one day and never looked back. Sure people talked about me and how I didn’t ‘try hard enough to save my marriage’ but they weren’t the ones living my life.
There was nothing to save, it was an absolute farce.

I just woke up one way and thought ‘I don’t want to live like this any more’. Something snapped and after he got steaming drunk and was horrible to me in front of his friends, a taxi driver, and our DD I just packed a bag and got my mum to pick me up.

He always told me I was weak, turns out he was wrong.

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