To be annoyed at how holiday club have handled this

[Elamaya]

DD is at a holiday club every day this week. She’s been many times before and always loved it. This time she’s with two good friends so was enjoying it even more. When I dropped her off on Wednesday the manager told me all was going well. On Wednesday afternoon DD came home in tears because she’d been ‘accused’ of being unkind to another girl who as a result had left the club and wasn’t coming back. Now I know no-one believes their child is a bully or unkind, but I know my DD. She often comes home from school upset because she thinks she might have upset someone when actually she hasn’t. She’s super sensitive and actually very kind, particularly with younger kids. She couldn’t sleep that night because she was so upset at being falsely accused. She said she barely knew who the girl was and didn’t think she’d actually talked to her at all.

I went in with her the next day (Thursday) to speak to the manager, who’s first response when she saw me was ‘oh here we go’! Not sure what that means but sounds like she was expecting trouble. Anyway, I asked what had happened and she told me it was a nasty comment made to the girl by my daughter or one of her friends, on the Monday. Then the girl came back on the Tuesday and it was repeated. The manager told me she believed the girl because she’d been coming for a number of years and wouldn’t lie about this. She told me she hadn’t ‘accused’ my daughter but simply asked my daughter some questions about it but that she wasn’t satisfied with the response because all the girls had denied any knowledge. She said it couldn’t be anyone else as this girl has specifically named my daughter’s group of friends. I suggested that perhaps my daughter genuinely has no knowledge. Perhaps they were guilty of a bit of cliquiness as they are good friends and genuinely pleased to see each other after a week apart. My thinking was that it was a possibility that they might have been inadvertently leaving the girl out but not actually been unkind - none of the girls can remember speaking to her in the two days so that seems like a possibility - but the manager was adamant that it had been said.

I left her there yesterday thinking it would now be left as the manager understood that my daughter was sensitive and had been upset by the situation. She did at least acknowledge that she didn’t actually know who was meant to have made the comments. However last night DD came home distraught again. They’d been told to go home and think about how upset they’ve made this girl. How she’d been subjected to bullying and told again by manager that she totally trusts this girl - thus implying that she doesn’t trust these girls.

So anyway I’m now pretty cross and can’t sleep myself! Obviously I feel bad that the girl who left is upset but now there are 4 girls who are upset and all don’t want to go back to this camp - although the last day is today so they are meant to be going. I just think it’s quite possible the girl did make it up, perhaps she just didn’t want to go and made it up so she could stay home - also she was there with a cousin, perhaps that’s who she didn’t want to spend time with and blamed it on the girls so as not to get into trouble with her cousin. There are many explantations I can think of so just seems wrong to me that the manager has started from the pint of view that she is telling the truth and that my daughter or at least one of her friends is lying. AIBU or should I tell the manager I’m annoyed at how this has been handled?

[Smelborp]

I agree she’s handled that so badly. She doesn’t know who made the comment. It sounds like she’s borderline bullying the children herself now.

[Alicewond]

Could you contact the girls mum and find the real cause for this?

[Soontobe60]

Maybe your DD did behave the way the manager said. Maybe her group of friends have ignored this other girl. That can be a very hurtful way to behave.
Unfortunately you weren't there, your DD probably wouldn't own up to doing anything wrong, and is upset because she has been challenged about her behaviour.
I would go down the route of telling her that you would hope that she didn't say hurtful things, but if she did you would be very disappointed with her. Then leave it at that.

[Elamaya]

Well I have done that soontobe but I do genuinely believe her as she is so baffled by it and upset at the injustice as well as that a girl is upset and she doesn’t know why.

If they did ignore the other girl I agree that’s not nice and I think it might well be the case. It’s a big holiday club with lots of kids and they are a close knit group and were pleased to be back together after a week of Easter holidays apart - but that’s different to being genuinely unkind and bullying someone. Plus that was just my guess as to what might have actually happened.

[Elamaya]

Alicewond my daughter also wants to talk to the girl herself but I’m pretty sure we won’t be given their contact details if I ask and I don’t know who it is

[PirateWeasel]

What is your DD supposed to have said? Could the manager not even tell you that? Strikes me she's not taking this seriously or fairly at all. Also, I would have had something to say to her about the "Oh here we go..." comment. Absolutely out of order.

[Elamaya]

She told me on the Wednesday when I asked that they (or one of them) is meant to have made personal comments to the girl that were repeated on both days.

[WithAllIntenseAndPurposes]

You sound pretty dismissive that your daughter could ever do such a thing. Trust me when with a group of other friends-she could

[NowWeAreSuckingDiesel]

It's a good opportunity to teach your daughter resilience and the art of letting things go. If she didn't do it, she knows she didn't and let people say what they want as in this situation there's nothing you can do to change the adults mind. You've tried and it's not resolved the issue. Instead, ask your daughter to reflect on her own behaviour and be more mindful of others without a strong group of friends and even if she did nothing wrong this time, next time she might want to ask someone to play if they look lonely.

I mean, what can you actually do about this? Pick your battles.

[Elamaya]

Well clearly that’s what the manager thinks - but my question was about how it’s been handled

[Elamaya]

NowWeAre that’s good advice

[IncrediblySadToo]

Is there someone above this woman you could speak to?

I would believe your DD &, like you, can think of several reasons why the other little girl might be either making it up or blaming them instead of the actual culprit.

It has been VERY badly handled.

[Happilyacceptingcookies]

I agree with the PP, go above this woman. I don't understand why she's being so defensive, to continue the message of "think about what you've done" when she's already told your DD off on the previous day.

[Poppyputthekettleon]

I would imagine the manager has a very clear idea of who in the group said it but can't prove it so is addressing it to the whole group. You are saying your DD denies it and she may be completely innocent one of her friends may have said it to the girl without the others knowledge or whispered it to her or your daughter is worried about getting her friend in trouble. I doubt the other girl made it up, much easier to fake being ill than make up stories.

[Ragwort]

Agree with Now, do you really want to escalate this and drag it out? No one can actually ‘prove’ what happened, there really is little point in going over every ‘she said, he said’ scenario.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This woman sounds unprofessional and whatever the truth, she has handled this abysmally.

I do understand where you are coming from. My dd generally doesn’t like to be mean but is friends with some girls, some of whom, regularly fall out. Or stop speaking. She is also a sensitive child. Of course she can be mean. I’m well aware and have seen her in action when she’s tired. So not trying to say this scenario couldn’t happen.

I’m wondering if it was perhaps one of the other girls in your dds friendship group did say something. If there’s a few of them it would be totally possible for your dd not to notice. Or as others have said, the girl lied.

In any case I would want to talk to her manager if there is one. And talk to your dd about how adults sometimes get things wrong. My dd is about to go to secondary school. This type of thing may happen when she’s at there - par for the course. And it’s her job to stick up for herself. Teacher have occasionally got things wrong with her - small things - and I’ve taught her to brush it off as even they aren’t perfect especially as there are lots of children in the class.

[TheSerenDipitY]

well no one can prove if anyone said anything, so id let that bit drop, tell your daughter to not worry about it etc etc etc..... but the "here we go" comment from the manager about you.... now that id be making a complaint about, kinda sorta unprofessional so say shit like that in a customers/clients hearing lets you know she thinks you are a bitch right off doesnt it

[WhoWants2Know]

I can't say that I'd feel comfortable sending them back, if the manager keeps singling them out.


If the girl said that other kids had been making personal comments to her, then the manager needed to pull them and the girl aside and sort out the situation right then.

Have you talked to your daughter's friends and parents to get their take on it?

[YouJustDoYou]

"Oh here we go". What a rude rude woman. I would've had something to say about that as it is.

[Bobbybobbins]

Definitely badly handled but agree with pp that it is hard to prove. That comment to you 'Here we go' would drive me absolutely crazy- I'm a teacher and I know the situation is different but you are still trusting this person with your child - if I ever said that to a parent I think I might be in trouble! Sounds like she is worse than the kids!!!!

[BarbarianMum]

I reallydoubt the other little girl is imagining unpleasant comments or making them up. And I expect that 1 little girl in all this is upset because she knows she said something she shouldntvand is scared she's going to be in trouble.

Sorry that your dd's upset but I think they should investigate this rather than just dismiss it.

[Honeydukes92]

Just pull your DD out of the club OP. Clearly the management aren’t great and if someone made a ‘oh god here we go’ comment when I stopped in to speak to them, you better believe I wouldn’t be paying them! And I’d be telling the manager to go away and ‘think long and hard about how upset your DD is and why she shall now be coming back’!

I went to one AWFUL club one summer. Sounds very similar- the management had serious favourites and everyone else was just an inconvenience. I got really upset but my mum (although concerned) wouldn’t actually do anything as she needed to go to work and didn’t have any other childcare.

I remember quite vividly realising that summer that she would 100% put work over me! Whilst I understand it as an adult, I did not as an 11 year old x

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree with you, especially as the manager does not know if it is your dd who said those comments, she cannot prove it, and cannot go accusing without any evidence. She sounds quite harsh herself. Yes there probably was cliqueness, which is quite common amongst girls, I went to an all girls boarding school, I was left out. It seems very tit for tat.

[ittakes2]

I think after the "oh god here we go comment' - I would have esculated this to above this manager, asked for my money back and pulled my daughter out. This is not someone who should be working with people especially kids.

[AppleKatie]

I would try and get your DD to put this is perspective. She knows she didn’t do anything so she should try and draw strength from not being at fault. It is likely one of her friends did say something.

The manager is not a professional. I managed a holiday club at 20 years old with very little training, and whilst I was (obv 😉) great, I know I didn’t always handle things in the way I would now as an actually trained professional.

I would acknowledge with DD that the manager doesn’t know what she’s doing and may or may not mean well. She’s got one day left to enjoy with her friends then she can go somewhere else next holiday if she wants. It shouldn’t be occupying too much headspace.