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To leave one niece out?

(327 Posts)
HipHipHippoo Thu 18-Apr-19 23:34:28

My sister has 3 DDs aged 12, 7 and 2. I have posted before about how the 12 yo is incredibly mean to her siblings, particularly 7 yo who has autism (not sure how to link to previous posts)

We have been away camping this week together with my DC and some incidents make me very angry/irritated with 12 yo niece.

For example:

She knows 7 yo is extremely particular about food - she barely eats and is underweight. 12 yo has stopped 7 yo eating at least 3 meals this week - by purposely knocking her plate across the table so her food would touch, by going on at her to try her meal and putting some of it on her plate (making 7 yo sick) and by coughing all over her food

Anything I or her mum say to anyone, she will answer. For example, I'll say to my DC "Sophie, please stop messing with the tent zips" and DN will say "I'm not messing with them!" even though their names sound nothing alike. She does this constantly

7 yo niece loves my dogs but every time they go near her, 12 yo calls them away so she can't stroke them

We went to some arcades and 12 yo won something she has zero interest in but that she knows 7 yo would adore. 7 yo never asks for anything and told her how lucky she was to win it. 12 yo made a big show of how she didn't want it so was going to give it away, making 7 yo think it would be to her...then gave it to a stranger angry and smiled smugly straight at 7 yo as she did so

Whenever 7 yo is sitting with or chatting to her mum, 12 yo will call her away then jump in her spot. 12 yo even races to get next to her mum before 2yo then gloats that she has Mummys hand hmm

She corrects or argues with everyone constantly. My DC remarked it was a full moon and she insisted it was only 3/4 despite it clearly being fucking full! She asked where her bag was and I said on her sleeping bag, she kept saying no it isn't- I'm looking and it definitely isn't. It was very slightly off the sleeping bag but she could clearly see it, she just had to argue!

She is constantly after food, drinks and wanting to be bought stuff. She sulks and spoils it if anyone else gets a say in what they want to do and her mood brings everyone down.

I'm taking my DC camping in the summer and was going to offer to take my nieces too to give my sister a break but I really don't want to take 12 yo. I think her sisters would flourish with some time away from her, and that she needs to learn at some point that her behaviour is intolerable and that people won't want to spend time with her if she behaves in this way. However, taking her sisters away is rewarding her in a way as she then gets her mum's full attention.

What do you think? Am I unreasonable to say I don't want to take her?

AriadnePersephoneCloud Thu 18-Apr-19 23:38:28

I think yanbu, I wouldn't want to take her. That said perhaps you could put it that you think 12yo would benefit from some mum alone time. Then her mum could say the same to 12yo.

TitianaTitsling Thu 18-Apr-19 23:41:21

You clearly have intense dislike for her so probably not a good idea. I can't remember from all the other threads where you have posted about how much of a horrible child she is, if she has any SEN herself?

ThomasRichard Thu 18-Apr-19 23:41:54

She sounds like a very troubled child. It would probably do her some good to have 1:1 time with her mum. And I wouldn’t be taking her anywhere.

Snappedandfarted2019 Thu 18-Apr-19 23:42:32

biscuit

mummmy2017 Thu 18-Apr-19 23:43:22

As the mum, but phrase it that you feel 12 year old might like some me time with mummy, before she becomes a teenager and In to boys.
Also it might change her once she sees mum is no different to her when alone.

CSIblonde Thu 18-Apr-19 23:43:44

What consequences for this behaviour are happening? If there aren't any, it will continue. I assume she's not acting out to some trauma or difficulty elsewhere at home/school? That's different kettle of fish). I'd probably not include her this time only, explain why(it sounds exhausting for all) : & get some reward & consequences going re her poor behaviour. She sounds desperate for attention, I'd up her one on one time with Mum too as siblings with problems often make time & attention limited & resentment festers.

Neolara Thu 18-Apr-19 23:46:34

It sounds like the 12 "yo could be desperate for attention from her mum and has worked out a pretty terrible but possibley highly effective way to achieve this.. A week with her mum one on one might be just what she needs. It might also give your sister the chance to try to talk to her dd about how she feels about her sister. And a week with you might give the others some respite.

HipHipHippoo Thu 18-Apr-19 23:47:33

No, I want to clarify to her that I don't want to take her because of her behaviour. Her parents never call her out on it or enforce any consequences, I think she needs to be shown it's unacceptable.

TitianaTitsling Thu 18-Apr-19 23:47:50

I've re-read the post and why does some of it get you so agitated? Like the moon bit? Does that really matter so much? Has it got to the stage where ANYTHING she does you will see negatively?

scatteredglitter Thu 18-Apr-19 23:50:24

I remember the other tread
She knows her sibling has additional needs and is bullying and taunting her and her mum is not really dealing with it.

It s likely the 12 year old needs some specific therapeutic input herself. However it really did sound from your previous treads and this that the younger siblings are really really thawarted bullied teased and downtrodden by the 12'year old (tbh from your deacription should a bit neglected but over indulged spiteful and unkind - without consequences for any of her downright cruel actions ).

I think when you see the younger child with obvious low weight stress and additional needs, and that younger child needs protecting and minding, then it is easier to empathise with the
Younger child.
But it sounds like the 12 year old needs so much help too.

Both need a champion (along with their parents of course!). It s wonderful you are able to step into the role to help the younger siblings and offer them time away from the stress.
Like previous posters suggest it will
Also offer the 12 year old time for 1-1 with the parent.

Does your sister have any insight into his thiw cruel the 12 year olds behaviour is ?

HeddaGarbled Thu 18-Apr-19 23:51:37

I wonder whether it’s a better idea to take the 12 year old camping with you but not the other two? Two younger sisters, one with autism and one not much more than a baby are her competition for her parents’ love and attention in a way that her cousins aren’t. Plus it will give the rest of her family a little break from her difficult behaviour.

Ewitsahooman Thu 18-Apr-19 23:53:33

However, taking her sisters away is rewarding her in a way as she then gets her mum's full attention.

It sounds like she desperately needs a dose of her mum's full attention. She has one sibling with SN, another sibling who is at a particularly demanding age, and she herself is coming up to a fairly major stage of her development and it becomes quite clear that she quite probably has some emotional needs that aren't being met.

Have you always disliked her or is it a recent thing? You don't seem to have a single positive thing to say about the girl.

Singlenotsingle Thu 18-Apr-19 23:53:39

Well can't you say her behaviour is unacceptable and you don't want to take her, AND you feel she would benefit from some time alone with her dm. Hopefully it will do her some good, (and also give dn7 a bit of a break).

Ayemama Thu 18-Apr-19 23:53:41

Probably an unpopular opinion but she sounds a bit like she’s struggling with lack of attention, not to mention all the horrible hormones that will be starting to kick in around now.
It must be really hard having a younger sibling with a learning difficulty as they always need more help and attention then you and they don’t grow out of that stage as quickly as other children normally do and she’s too young to fully understand this, then add a toddler with all the time and attention they require into the mix.
Your sister must be supper mum to juggle all of this but I can see why you oldest niece might be feeling a bit left out.
I think you should just take the younger two away but not to get them a rest from their sister more to give their sister a chance to feel valued again, she obviously needs to know she’s just as much loved and cherished as her sisters are.

Chocmallows Thu 18-Apr-19 23:54:54

My DD, 13, is moody regularly. I think this may be more to do with hormones. At this age children think that they are practically adults and can become bossy and demanding. Perhaps your sister is trying to ignore the negative behaviour rather than provide too much attention.

Having said that, personally I talk with my DD and think that has quicker and more long-term benefits.

Ewitsahooman Thu 18-Apr-19 23:55:38

No, I want to clarify to her that I don't want to take her because of her behaviour. Her parents never call her out on it or enforce any consequences, I think she needs to be shown it's unacceptable.

She's not your child and that is not your place. Of one of my siblings took that approach with one of my DC then I'd be telling them to go fuck themselves.

Drogosnextwife Thu 18-Apr-19 23:57:04

She is far too old to be behaving like that. Yanbu, I wouldn't take her anywhere.

Tavannach Thu 18-Apr-19 23:57:27

There's something well wrong there. It's attention seeking behaviour and I agree that some serious 1 to 1 time and fun with her mum would probably help.
Try not to let her see that her behaviour irritates you. The girl seems deeply unhappy.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Apr-19 23:57:42

You don't need to tell the 12 yo, it because of her behaviour.

You can say that to her mum, but you risk her becoming defensive and not allowing you to take any of the girls...so tread carefully.

If you're close to your sister, can you not discuss your observations with her?

I have to say...the toy thing would have upset me...and I would have gone and bought something nice for the 7 yo niece to make up for it.

Her behaviour is bullying. I find it annoying that parents like her mum don't do anything about it.

Sunshine1239 Fri 19-Apr-19 00:02:23

Wow you sound so mean
I have a dd similar age and feel so sad that you dislike her so much
Mind your own business, it sounds like she is likely left out - it’s ifteb the elder who’s blamed and told off etc

As aside, there’s no way I’d let you split my kids up, not a chance and you’re being vindictive

Sunshine1239 Fri 19-Apr-19 00:03:07

It’s always

dontleavemerhisway Fri 19-Apr-19 00:06:04

I think some posters need to read your other thread

asprinklingofsugar Fri 19-Apr-19 00:11:28

Here's a link to your past thread about this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3548785-To-think-this-goes-beyond-sibling-bickering

I remember reading it and agree YANBU - and for those that haven't read the previous thread it sounds as though 12 yo actually gets more attention than the other two

Ewitsahooman Fri 19-Apr-19 00:19:24

Would that be the thread where posters called a 12yo child evil and a twat? Yeah. I read that. And I stand by my comments that the niece obviously has unmet needs and her parents should be exploring what they are, and that the OP doesn't have a single positive thing to say about her.

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