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Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

(266 Posts)
Housewife212 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:22:06

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

Carpetburns Thu 18-Apr-19 22:38:45

I agree with you OP. I think that it involves compromise and negotiation, a lot of giving and taking etc.
All of the PP's obviously have perfect marriages. Perhaps the reason people don't "work" at their marriage is that it's perfect until it isn't, and when it isn't it's a divorce.
I am happily married, FWIW.

Floralnomad Thu 18-Apr-19 22:40:11

I think if you are finding it hard you are probably married to the wrong person . We’ve been married 30 yrs this year and neither of us had lived with another partner .

honeylulu Thu 18-Apr-19 22:40:27

I had a very romanticised idea of marriage, relationships, motherhood etc.
The reality has been very different and it's taken many years to come to terms with it. I'm still happily married luckily, but with a much more realistic perspective.

Yes it has been hard work at times. I was 20 when we got together and I've changed a lot. I sometimes think my husband didn't sign up for who I am now but he still loves me. The hardest times have been bereavements, we had a few years with just one after another. My husband's mother and brother died within a year of each other and he completely withdrew from me for many months. Hard to explain now but that was torture.
Also secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages. I was broken and angry that he didn't understand how much it affected me. Hard, hard work getting through it.

Aprilladvised Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:02

I am married 21 years and first met him 31 years ago, got together 25 years ago. I did find it hard. Very hard, especially in the beginning. At the 21 year Mark I realise we may always irritate each other in some ways but we are lucky to have each other. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we support each other and pull in the same direction.

It is hard work OP. I don't understand why people would say otherwise. I believe it's almost impossible to align two lives together seamlessly in the way marriage is sold to us. But after 25 years we have found a happy, loving relationship that is not rom com like but realistic and, so far, enduring!

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:22

My third husband has made me realise why my other two didn’t work. This one really isn’t hard work at all

makkmiss Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:43

I didn’t live with DH before we got married, in fact we lived in different cities and didn’t get to see each other much due to work as I work shifts. When we first got married we were very much in a honeymoon stage where everything was nauseatingly lovely but equally, it was quite hard as we are two very different people. It also wasn’t until I got married that I realised how much of who I am is due to my upbringing, which really affected how I interacted with DH far more than I thought. We had a lot of arguments and bickering at the beginning, about both big and small things but after about a year and a half, it really smoothed out. Probably because we knew each other better by that point! Now, marriage is easy, just how it’s supposed to be grin

SayNoToCarrots Thu 18-Apr-19 22:42:46

I agree with pp - it depends who you are married to. My first year of living with my partner - fine. My first year of marriage - fine. Because my husband respects me and works with me to ensure our partnership works.

If you are finding it difficult, perhaps this isn't the right man for you? Your posts suggest this is your first ltr and that you didn't live with your husband before marrying him. Perhaps this is your first opportunity to get to know him.

Ginger1982 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:43:49

We didn't live together before marriage. I don't think it's hard, we get along well most of the time. He's more laid back than I am so any disagreements are definitely instigated by me, but I certainly wouldn't class it as work.

Parenting...now that's a different matter...

trilbydoll Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:08

I think in a whirlwind of work, kids, childcare, logistics etc it is very easy to take your other half for granted. So while I would not say it's hard, it does take a bit of effort to make sure everyone is doing okay smile

Honeyroar Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:31

I don't find it difficult either, but I'd lived with three previous boyfriends, who were all bloody hard work, so I appreciated a good one when I met him.

Housewife212 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:45

makkmiss

Agreed

allfurcoatnoknickers Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:46

I don't find it hard, but I also never thought so many Calendar invites would be involved grin

KennDodd Thu 18-Apr-19 22:45:09

I don't think it's hard, married 23 years.

jackparlabane Thu 18-Apr-19 22:45:15

We'd been through a lot before the wedding, been together 10 years and living together for four of them, didn't know if I'd be able to stand up for the whole 15-minute ceremony.

Some tougher times since (health, kids...), but never felt like giving up on him for more than a week at a time, a few times (both when I had PND verging on psychosis). More often I've had DH say "you know that whole in sickness and in health bit? Do you think you could try the 'in health' sometime?" We joke that the "for richer" will have to be his responsibility...

There's been some times when it's been a lot of work but worth it. Bit like having kids, really.

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 18-Apr-19 22:47:14

well we have been together for 31 years and on the whole it is lovely. Tonight he was snarky as he was tired and so was I, so not so lovely today. But I know come tomorrow everything will be fine again.

Just have to keep swimming grin

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Thu 18-Apr-19 22:49:08

Marriage is hard but then life is hard and being on your own is hard. They all have their challenges.
I've done it all and am now on my second marriage and things are good.
I never take it for granted though - it can go tits up in a moment.

VladmirsPoutine Thu 18-Apr-19 22:50:30

All of the PP's obviously have perfect marriages. Perhaps the reason people don't "work" at their marriage is that it's perfect until it isn't, and when it isn't it's a divorce.

I definitely think there's something in this. Sort of like you're of healthy disposition until you're not because you got floored by flu iyswim?

That said, my ex and I had a very angsty marriage which I now know I wrongly understood as being deeply in love. Subsequent relationships have been more or less sailing on clear waters.

Springisallaround Thu 18-Apr-19 22:52:07

I found it very hard to share my living space and then marry someone having been so independent and lived on my own til my mid-thirties. I do not enjoy domesticity whatsoever and so doing that with someone else who has an opinion on what shopping to buy or which towels to use is just hard work IMO!

Emotionally it is also way more demanding than I predicted, as well, due to massively changing circumstances. What marriage requires of you in terms of in sickness, health and death is not always visible in those early years.

Some bits are easy (laughing about the children's antics, watching Netflix series together, chatting about your day) but other bits are very difficult, especially if the parameters are changed through ill-health or the person alters substantially through no fault of yours/their own (e.g. gets dementia/severe illness).

jackstini Thu 18-Apr-19 22:55:12

Its harder than being single!

FiveTwoFaster Thu 18-Apr-19 22:57:24

I have a happy marriage now but found the firsts year hard - but I think it was down to the “you’re married now, you can’t just leave” element. I don’t want to leave my DH obviously but the realisation that I couldn’t just move out if we had a row I thought was annoying, was a big one.

Marriage being an effort is fine. I am not always a good wife and I need to try a bit harder sometimes not to be selfish or lazy about various things - marriage being horrible or making you sad is not good. So you need to work out what’s what.

stucknoue Thu 18-Apr-19 23:01:23

It's easy until one day he says he doesn't love you anymore confused

Seriously it's not easy as you change over time. I don't know if we can save ours, he doesn't want to try. My advice is if you think it's easy, are you working hard enough? I thought it was easy 6 months ago

stressedoutpa Thu 18-Apr-19 23:03:28

Married 10+ years here. Has never been hard.

Previous relationship was awful though!

Givingup0nit Thu 18-Apr-19 23:03:38

For me the issue is what does 'work at it' mean? How do you work at making it better?!

I'm utterly undernoticed and underappreciated. It's making me miserable - my therapist (talking therapy for depression) thinks I just need to give DH clearer instructions about what I want. So my whole life is spent going, "please can you scrape your plate and put it in the dishwasher", "please can you interact with the kids now", "please can I have a hug I'm feeling sad" etc etc. I'm going out of my mind with the lack of affection and he wonders why I'm so snappy and angry. He forgot Mother's Day (because I was determined not to remind him about that)....
I really crave physical affection but after instigating DTD last night today he complained that it was too late and has made him too tired today (so not fun then...)
I had hoped that marriage would be the nice, easy part and that life would throw the difficult bits at us. But honestly I'm at the stage of fantasising about being on my own. I mean, I just don't see the point.
I love my job and the social interaction and mental stimulation it brings, I really struggle with parenting and I'm glad he does some of it.... but that's it. He's like a cardboard cutout that creates all sorts of further jobs for me.... and that's it. sad

KatharinaRosalie Thu 18-Apr-19 23:05:17

Life is hard. Partner should make it easier. I don't really see the need to keep a partner who makes life even harder.

nauseous5000 Thu 18-Apr-19 23:06:39

OP your update makes sense- I think living together shines a light on issues that don't exist beforehand. I would caveat that with the fact that I've never married but lived with two guys seriously. First guy it was awful, this guy is beyond awesome. What I would say (and this isn't a direct reply to the OP) is that many ppl plan their dream wedding and are then left afterwards with the reality of married life which dsnt fit the expectation/dream. Maybe iabu to comment as I have never married, but I think marriage being hard may be the wrong post title

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