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Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

(266 Posts)
Housewife212 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:22:06

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Thu 18-Apr-19 22:49:08

Marriage is hard but then life is hard and being on your own is hard. They all have their challenges.
I've done it all and am now on my second marriage and things are good.
I never take it for granted though - it can go tits up in a moment.

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 18-Apr-19 22:47:14

well we have been together for 31 years and on the whole it is lovely. Tonight he was snarky as he was tired and so was I, so not so lovely today. But I know come tomorrow everything will be fine again.

Just have to keep swimming grin

jackparlabane Thu 18-Apr-19 22:45:15

We'd been through a lot before the wedding, been together 10 years and living together for four of them, didn't know if I'd be able to stand up for the whole 15-minute ceremony.

Some tougher times since (health, kids...), but never felt like giving up on him for more than a week at a time, a few times (both when I had PND verging on psychosis). More often I've had DH say "you know that whole in sickness and in health bit? Do you think you could try the 'in health' sometime?" We joke that the "for richer" will have to be his responsibility...

There's been some times when it's been a lot of work but worth it. Bit like having kids, really.

KennDodd Thu 18-Apr-19 22:45:09

I don't think it's hard, married 23 years.

allfurcoatnoknickers Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:46

I don't find it hard, but I also never thought so many Calendar invites would be involved grin

Housewife212 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:45

makkmiss

Agreed

Honeyroar Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:31

I don't find it difficult either, but I'd lived with three previous boyfriends, who were all bloody hard work, so I appreciated a good one when I met him.

trilbydoll Thu 18-Apr-19 22:44:08

I think in a whirlwind of work, kids, childcare, logistics etc it is very easy to take your other half for granted. So while I would not say it's hard, it does take a bit of effort to make sure everyone is doing okay smile

Ginger1982 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:43:49

We didn't live together before marriage. I don't think it's hard, we get along well most of the time. He's more laid back than I am so any disagreements are definitely instigated by me, but I certainly wouldn't class it as work.

Parenting...now that's a different matter...

SayNoToCarrots Thu 18-Apr-19 22:42:46

I agree with pp - it depends who you are married to. My first year of living with my partner - fine. My first year of marriage - fine. Because my husband respects me and works with me to ensure our partnership works.

If you are finding it difficult, perhaps this isn't the right man for you? Your posts suggest this is your first ltr and that you didn't live with your husband before marrying him. Perhaps this is your first opportunity to get to know him.

makkmiss Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:43

I didn’t live with DH before we got married, in fact we lived in different cities and didn’t get to see each other much due to work as I work shifts. When we first got married we were very much in a honeymoon stage where everything was nauseatingly lovely but equally, it was quite hard as we are two very different people. It also wasn’t until I got married that I realised how much of who I am is due to my upbringing, which really affected how I interacted with DH far more than I thought. We had a lot of arguments and bickering at the beginning, about both big and small things but after about a year and a half, it really smoothed out. Probably because we knew each other better by that point! Now, marriage is easy, just how it’s supposed to be grin

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:22

My third husband has made me realise why my other two didn’t work. This one really isn’t hard work at all

Aprilladvised Thu 18-Apr-19 22:41:02

I am married 21 years and first met him 31 years ago, got together 25 years ago. I did find it hard. Very hard, especially in the beginning. At the 21 year Mark I realise we may always irritate each other in some ways but we are lucky to have each other. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we support each other and pull in the same direction.

It is hard work OP. I don't understand why people would say otherwise. I believe it's almost impossible to align two lives together seamlessly in the way marriage is sold to us. But after 25 years we have found a happy, loving relationship that is not rom com like but realistic and, so far, enduring!

honeylulu Thu 18-Apr-19 22:40:27

I had a very romanticised idea of marriage, relationships, motherhood etc.
The reality has been very different and it's taken many years to come to terms with it. I'm still happily married luckily, but with a much more realistic perspective.

Yes it has been hard work at times. I was 20 when we got together and I've changed a lot. I sometimes think my husband didn't sign up for who I am now but he still loves me. The hardest times have been bereavements, we had a few years with just one after another. My husband's mother and brother died within a year of each other and he completely withdrew from me for many months. Hard to explain now but that was torture.
Also secondary infertility and multiple miscarriages. I was broken and angry that he didn't understand how much it affected me. Hard, hard work getting through it.

Floralnomad Thu 18-Apr-19 22:40:11

I think if you are finding it hard you are probably married to the wrong person . We’ve been married 30 yrs this year and neither of us had lived with another partner .

Carpetburns Thu 18-Apr-19 22:38:45

I agree with you OP. I think that it involves compromise and negotiation, a lot of giving and taking etc.
All of the PP's obviously have perfect marriages. Perhaps the reason people don't "work" at their marriage is that it's perfect until it isn't, and when it isn't it's a divorce.
I am happily married, FWIW.

CherryPavlova Thu 18-Apr-19 22:37:57

There’s certainly adaptation and compromise. No, it’s not always easy to consider someone else in every decision you make.im not sure it’s continually hard but there are times when the stresses of life make it feel hard.
On balance though, like most things in life, what you get out is directly proportional to what you put in. I like marriage and we’ve reached an age/length of time together where we really are an integral unit - two parts of a whole. It’s nice.

3in4years Thu 18-Apr-19 22:36:37

Marriage is harder than work and harder than parenting for me. I guess it depends who you're married to. Plus, I always wanted kids, was never sure about a partner. I crave time with no other adults. I am very independent. My husband is not.

Shelbybear Thu 18-Apr-19 22:36:05

It's no different to before for us. Were u not long together when you married?

MrsPerfect12 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:35:54

I don't find it hard. I did live with someone before and he was a twat so it was hard then.

C0untDucku1a Thu 18-Apr-19 22:35:50

You'll be better on the relationships board op, rather than have scores of people gleefully tell you that theirs is a breeze if never ending agreement. these are always the women shocked to find out their oefect husband had a mistress for ten years

Mememeplease Thu 18-Apr-19 22:34:32

I guess it depend on your expectations beforehand. If you are realistic then it shouldn't be hard work.

Why is it hard work?

checkingforballoons Thu 18-Apr-19 22:34:32

I also don’t find it hard. Not trying to sound smug but I don’t really understand it when people say that marriage is hard work. What is it that you’re finding difficult?

DippyAvocado Thu 18-Apr-19 22:34:23

I agree with you, relationships aren't always easy. There is a lot of compromise and taking the rough with the smooth. I would take with a pinch of salt anyone who says their relationship is perfect.

Having said that, it shouldn't feel like constant work. What are the particular issues that you are having? Irritation with different ways of stacking the dishwasher is easier to overcome than fundamentally different values.

Redorangeyellowgreen Thu 18-Apr-19 22:33:49

What are you finding hard? I find parenting and working hard but not marriage.

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