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Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

(266 Posts)
Housewife212 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:22:06

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

BossAssBitch Thu 02-May-19 11:17:49

I don't find marriage hard work at all, in fact I have never been happier.

Marriage actually makes my life easier; we are a team, there is a lot of respect between us and we want to make one another happy.

teyem Thu 02-May-19 10:50:16

My marriage is hardly any work at all. We've been together for almost twenty years and there's only been a few times when life has squeezed a little too hard and we had to be conscious about being a team and not withdrawing from one another.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 02-May-19 10:44:47

I don't find it hard, it's exactly how it was before we got married

Robin2323 Thu 02-May-19 10:43:19

You've made my day. Lol
Sometimes I get a battering on here.
Your list is great.
I have a rich and rewarding relationship with dh.
21 years married yesterday and together 25 years.
We are both so happy.
I've never felt so relaxed and secure in my relationship.

londonrach Thu 02-May-19 07:02:24

I found it easier, someone to share the burden.

Moonchild1987 Thu 02-May-19 06:59:11

@BertrandRussell of course once you share a life with someone you take them into consideration. My list sounds very similar to @Robin2323.

1. I make sure to do the majority of the house work and chores.
2. I schedual my plans around partner
3. I make sure that if we go out to eat it is some where he wants to go to as well
4. I plan holidays both of us will enjoy.
5. Compromise on decor in the house
6. I don't nag him to do stuff
7. I do my best to put him first
8. I speak to him the way I would be spoken to.

Why do I do that?
1. More time to do fun stuff together rather then chores is that not a win for all?
2. It is a curtesy that we both extent to each other. With 3 pets it is vital we know what the other person's plans are in advance. Also we eat dinner together so I do need to know if that plan changes
3. Again he extends the same curtesy to me so none of us eat food we hate.
4. Same as point 3
5. He does not live in a pastle colored feminine house, I don't have to put up with a black or brown monochrome bachelor pad.

It's part of growing up and means you don't always come first. It is a two way street. My friends and family all comment how nice he is and how much he spoils me but fail to see he is just giving back what I put in. Does it take work? maybe in some sense but I enjoy doing it. Is it hard? the chores around the house would be but not getting myself to do it is for the greater good of the household

n0ne Sat 20-Apr-19 14:20:47

I found marriage a breeze, until we had kids. Now it's hard. I hope it gets easier as they get older - DH and I still love each other and don't have big arguments or hold grudges, but I did tell him to fuck off yesterday which was a new low sad

Robin2323 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:41:14

Sorry pre work - change of attitude.

However I was not happy pre work : attitude and I am now.

I can do what I want
Go where I want
I've never been controlled

BertrandRussell Sat 20-Apr-19 13:39:15

“Pre- work self”- the person you were before you did the work on yourself that made you the person you are now.

BishopBrennansArse Sat 20-Apr-19 13:37:02

First time around no.
Second time yes.

Robin2323 Sat 20-Apr-19 13:36:53

Pre work?
I work too.

Just looked up the surrendered wife.
I have Never read it.
Title sounds a bit naff.

I don't feel I'm surrendering anything.

But I do believe I'm responsible for my own happiness.

Even mn says that.

Why is me making myself happy dangerous?

BarbieJellyBabyBrain Sat 20-Apr-19 13:16:23

I will admit that I haven't RTFT, but I don't really find marriage hard.

However, DH is literally the only person in the entire world that I can totally be myself with, he is the only person that I have a massive go at when he has pissed me off. With everyone else, including my mum, Mt siblings and my closest friends, I hate confrontation and will leave lots of things unsaid because I don't want to 'rock the boat'. With DH it's all out there, and he knows exactly how I feel all of the time grin He is generally the same as well, although I think that, being a man, his emotions aren't at quite as at the forefront as mine are.

I really think that helps our marriage actually. And the fact that I am totally comfortable doing that as well. There are no games, playing each other off or anything, it's just all there.

BertrandRussell Sat 20-Apr-19 13:10:23

“I'm happy what's your point?”

My point is that your long list of ways in which you put yourself second does not suggest a very equal relationship. And you describe your “pre work self” in a way that women in controlling relationships are often described. And that worries me.

Robin2323 Sat 20-Apr-19 12:51:16

What do you want ?

If I say no
It's no

I'm happy what's your point?

Echobelly Sat 20-Apr-19 12:42:22

DH and I are both kids of long-lasting marriages that we know have had their challenges, and are between not the easiest people to live with, so I think we both went in knowing marriage takes work. So it's been about as hard/easy as I expected. I never expected a constant love-in with no arguments, let's face it, and that's what I got. But I've never regretted it either.

BertrandRussell Sat 20-Apr-19 12:22:38

Robin- you didn’t “hit a nerve”. You just described a surrendered wide-and most people think that’s a pretty dangerous and unequal thing to be. Your further description does nothing to change that view.

What happens if you say “no”?

Robin2323 Sat 20-Apr-19 11:16:40

*That is a long list of "putting him first" behaviours on your part.

What changes did your husband make in his behavours to make you happier?*

I seem to have hit a nerve with my last post.
Maybe I didn't explain myself properly.

I'd become a 'bitch on wheels'.
I was take , take , take and my husband was give , give , give.

Looking back I'm surprised he put up with me for as long as he did.

Not sure how to explain it better ....

Dream marriage.
Whatever that entails : he does

Loves me to bits.
Works really hard and earns loads of money for us.

Spends all his free time with me.
Takes me on holiday
Repairs stuff in house / cars
Does food shop together every week
Mows the lawn cuts the hedges etc
Does housework
Picks me up from work
Brought me a car
Brought me a piano
Is currently fitting my dream kitchen with our youngest adult son

Will fetch stuff from super market I've forgot even after a 10 hour shift (physical job)

Takes me out for tea. : dinner : breakfast

Is kind caring loving smart and looks after me in the bedroom.

And when he does get grumpy (like everyone does ) I have no problem pulling him on it.

We are a team
We work hard and we play hard.

There is mutual love and respect.

We don't belittle or abuse each other

We work stuff out and I'm not a doormat.

I can be quite demanding and that's not healthy or conduce to a happy life. That's childish and I'm grown up enough to reign myself in now if needed.

But I can certainly stand my ground with him.

LuvSmallDogs Sat 20-Apr-19 10:57:58

I don’t find marriage hard, but when DH and I moved in together I did find it a bit of a shock. We’d both only lived at home before, and had only been together 5-6 months in our first serious relationship! Once we got into a rhythm and sort of grew together, it became very easy and I can’t imagine being without him.

MaxNormal Sat 20-Apr-19 10:56:00

I've never found my marriage hard. I'm guessing my recent chronic illness has been hard on DH though sad

PullUpTerrain Sat 20-Apr-19 10:52:43

I don't think I've ever found it hard.
Maybe because we don't have kids (joint choice).
We've been together for 23 years.

Fuckedoffat48b Sat 20-Apr-19 10:46:18

The response upthread, about abusive in laws being a hard part of marriage really spoke to me. I am very happy with my lovely husband and family, but my life will always be a little bit shitter for having my in laws in it, in a way that people not in that situation can never truly comprehend. And nor do they seem to want to.

C8H10N4O2 Sat 20-Apr-19 10:36:50


That is a long list of "putting him first" behaviours on your part.

What changes did your husband make in his behavours to make you happier?

Fuckedoffat48b Sat 20-Apr-19 10:31:54

It's interesting that nobody has mentioned temptations outside the marriage...

Givingup0nit Sat 20-Apr-19 10:09:29

Thank you Robin. That's exactly what I feared is usually meant by 'working' on a marriage. Setting aside oneself, ones own needs and wants so that 'keeping the marriage together' becomes more important than yourself. I cannot think of anything that would make me more unhappy than that.
I also agree with other observations upthread that it is always disproportionately the wife making sacrifices and accommodations for 'the marriage' (or being expected to do so); particularly when there are kids involved.

WatershedMoment Sat 20-Apr-19 09:56:18

Ive always thought that saying about having to work at marriage is wrong. Relationships should be a sanctuary not a chore. Obviously there are squabbles but it should be like living with your best mate.

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