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Is dh being unreasonable about lifts for dc?

(77 Posts)
sternpair Thu 18-Apr-19 20:47:10

So we have twin dc who are both 20. They both go to university and are there most of the year, including a lot of vacation so they can prepare for the next term or complete assignments. DS admitted that he hates coming home because he feels trapped with nothing to do, and he can't take himself off to a cafe to work. Everything is so much effort, and all there is to do it to walk the dog. Whereas at university, he lived 3 minutes walk into the centre of the city.

We live in a tiny village in a rural area, but only about 20 minutes on a train into a city. The train station is 2 miles away (we live atop a mountain). There are no bus links.

They have passed their driving tests but we can't afford to buy them cars, nor can they.

So unless they walk and then train they are pretty much stuck and are like having school children about needing lifts here and there.

DH says it's not fair he has to spend his precious time off from work (he works 35 hrs a week!) to cart his grown up children about. He's sick of being dictated to by being asked for a lift somewhere and the cost of the petrol. He feels they're old enough to find their own way to dental appointments etc. DS looked into it, and total journey time to the dentists including walking, a train, then bus would be 2 hours.

I work abroad fairly often for 2/3 weeks a go.

I am of the opinion that we chose to live here so we owe them lifts.

Leeds2 Thu 18-Apr-19 20:50:52

If I were your DC, I would probably stay in my uni town too. What you describe must be very stifling for them.
Are taxis an option?

Iggly Thu 18-Apr-19 20:51:46

Sounds pretty grim for them. How did they cope as teenagers???

I’d help them with some lifts and maybe they could hire a car?

RedSkyLastNight Thu 18-Apr-19 20:52:26

I think it depends whether you want your DC to keep coming back to your house for uni holidays. Because if it's boring and they can't get anywhere, then they are unlikely to want to.

woolduvet Thu 18-Apr-19 20:52:31

If you want them home they need a lift.
It's no wonder they stay there.

Nicknacky Thu 18-Apr-19 20:52:36

I can see why they want to stay at uni, to be honest. They are young men and probably loving their new life.

woolduvet Thu 18-Apr-19 20:53:06

They are adults but not fully formed. They still need you.

hibbledibble Thu 18-Apr-19 20:53:17

Taxis are a good suggestion, is Uber in your area yet?

Or can you add them as additional drivers on your insurance so they can drive themselves?

churchthecat Thu 18-Apr-19 20:53:58

Don't they have bikes? 2 miles is nothing to cycle to the train station.

Teaandtoastie Thu 18-Apr-19 20:54:21

If they have passed their driving tests can’t you put them on your car insurance? Then at least they can drive themselves around?

mrsm43s Thu 18-Apr-19 20:55:08

Can you not get them insured on your/DHs car?

It's not reasonable to expect them to do 2 hour public transport slogs just to get out/go to the dentist etc.

I think they will just stop visiting soon. How sad sad

Chocolate35 Thu 18-Apr-19 20:55:29

Your DH is being unreasonable. You sound pretty understanding, while you’re there could you do some of the lifts? Don’t let your husbands behaviour be the reason your sons stop coming home.

Nicknacky Thu 18-Apr-19 20:57:06

Regardless of relying on dad for lifts, I don’t think they want to come home by the sounds of it? They like their new lifestyle.

Creatureofthenight Thu 18-Apr-19 20:57:52

There’s 3 options I reckon:
Put them on your insurance
Give them lifts
Resign yourself to not seeing them much

As you say, it was not their choice to live where you live so I think expecting a bit of driving about is fine.

sue51 Thu 18-Apr-19 20:59:03

Your DH is the unreasonable one here.

Expressedways Thu 18-Apr-19 20:59:24

I think the only solution would be to insure them on one of your cars. 2 hours, including a 2 mile walk just to get to the dentist is ridiculous but I do see where your DH is coming from with regard to spending his downtime running a taxi service.

EL8888 Thu 18-Apr-19 21:01:09

How about a mix of walking, train, cycling, Taxi’s and lifts? That way it’s not too much on your husband. I wouldn’t be thrillled to act as someone’s chauffeur every day either

saraclara Thu 18-Apr-19 21:02:16

Two miles is nothing for him to drive them to the station at least. Your husband's attitude will lead to them just not coming home at all.

sweeneytoddsrazor Thu 18-Apr-19 21:02:33

Can't they get mopeds or bicycles.

sweeneytoddsrazor Thu 18-Apr-19 21:03:37

Of course they could go to the dentist in their uni city.

NoSquirrels Thu 18-Apr-19 21:06:19

Presume you have 2 cars? If you’re away, unsure them on your car and they can use that?

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 18-Apr-19 21:06:23

I agree your husband is slightly unreasonable. He should be able to facilitate the children, if only a lift to the station. On the flip side your kids need to be considerate, as you aren't actually taxis.

I was the teen/young adult stuck out in the sticks - weekly bus, definitely no train - and had to rely on parents and friends with cars, til I passed my test and could afford my own car. My parents were great and I tried to keep my requests reasonable.

Why can't they go on your insurance and drive your cars? Make them contribute to petrol. They can be your driver to the pub smile

Merryoldgoat Thu 18-Apr-19 21:10:48

I’d never have gone home if my parents lived somewhere similar.

Lifts aren’t much fun but being marooned is isn’t much fun eithe

I accept you like living on a mountain but it sounds awful for your children.

How long have you lived there?

ReanimatedSGB Thu 18-Apr-19 21:21:59

You've either got to put them on the insurance, find some way of buying a cheap-as-chips car for them to share, or just accept they will be spending very little time at home in the future. Poor lads. I don't understand why anyone would want to live somewhere that remote and inaccessible in the first place, but it's really a bit much to expect young people to keep coming back there and be marooned in their childhood bedrooms indefinitely.

harridan50 Thu 18-Apr-19 21:25:20

We have a cheap car our daughters share when home from uni.We tax and insure it they work in the holiday to fund petrol is this possible

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