DD1 trip to London, AIBU?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

DD1 (15) has been invited to spend a week or two in London with a good friend and her family this summer. We live in Canada now after moving here from London a few years ago.

DH and I are not sure whether we should let her go - I think I am leaning towards yes and he is definitely leaning towards no. The flight will be expensive and we don’t really have the money (although we could scrape it together). But the bigger issue is DD1 - She is finally starting to settle in here and make some friends and we don’t want her constantly looking back to London and her life there and rushing back to old friends rather than concentrating on her new life & friends here. She did not have the easiest transition when we moved.

This friend has visited us for 10 days each of the previous 2 summers.

DD1 will be extremely disappointed not to go. I don’t know what to do. AIBU to keep her from seeing her best friend in the world? Or is it pragmatic to encourage her to be “more Canadian” and have her stay here for the summer?

[ajandjjmum]

It does seem rather unfair to expect her friend to do all of the travelling, although I can appreciate your dilemma.

[CripsSandwiches]

I would let her go. It's great she's settling in in Canada but I don't think that should mean forgetting her ties to London.

[JoshJoshJosh]

Let her go. My wife moved to the UK from South Africa aged 13 she's 29 now - she still has close friendships still with friends from SA as well as UK friends. Cultures are different and it has always been a blessing she can talk to certain friends who 'get' things.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I'd let her go- but if you actually cant afford it, and it sacrifices other things then no.

[adaline]

I think she should go. Her friend has come to you, I think it's your DD"s turn to do the travelling now.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

That is a good point about friend doing all the travelling.

[PaquitaVariation]

I think it would be very mean to not let her go, IF you can afford it. You may want her to be ‘more Canadian’ but she’s not. A couple of weeks revisiting where she used to live and old friends might help her realise that she hasn’t lost it all, just because you decided to move her, that it’s all still there for her if she wants it. She might not want to live in Canada with you in a few years time.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

@JoshJoshJosh I agree with you about cultures being different and it’s great that your wife still has old friends in SA that she can relate to. I don’t want the DC to forget their English roots.

[FlowersInMotion]

Why do you want her to stop being British? She'll always be British too even if she lives the rest of her life in Canada and takes Canadian Citizenship?

[JenniferJareau]

Let her go. Stopping her will not endear her to being 'more Canadian'.

You moved her there when she had (I am assuming) no say in the matter so you should let her go back to visit her friends.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

DH and I are originally Canadian but both DC were born in London. We all have dual citizenship and my DM is originally English. So I guess it’s not clear cut “we are all Canadian now”.

[brizzlemint]

I can see your point about wanting her to be more Canadian but to suddenly change at 13 from being British to Canadian is a big ask. If you can afford it let her go as her friend can't always travel to Canada. She'll probably have a great time and come back full of it and ready to get on with Canadian life. IME when you have lived in two countries there are things you value about both.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

@PaquitaVariation you have named one of my biggest fears, that she will want to move abroad after high school / uni (exactly what I did in my 20’s ). In fact she is already talking about international universities, not that we could necessarily afford them.

[MamaWeasel]

Let her go ☺

[adaline]

Why the insistence on her being more Canadian?

You chose to move to the UK and raise your DC there - her childhood was spent in the UK and she is, for all intents and purposes, British.

[Mummylin]

Hi Hearts I think you should let her go, especially when she will be staying with her friends family. And it may be that although she has friends in Canada now, they may never be as close as she obviously is to her English friends. You say she would be upset not to go, but her not going will just make her want to go even worse !
What is it that your dh is concerned about ? Is it her safety or her being so far away ? I know it's always a worry when our children go off, but providing your dd is a sensible girl and you know her friends parents, I would say yes. Is it just for two weeks ?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

@adaline interesting... I guess I see it as not insisting she be Canadian, just happier to be here and more settled.

[AryaStarkWolf]

If you can afford it I'd let her go but I'm guessing between flights and spending money too, it will pretty expensive

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Let her go. It'll be a great experience for her and doesn't have to stop her from settling into Canada - it's only for a week or two! And it sounds as though she and the London girl will be friends for life.

Refusing might have the opposite effect and make her resent the move to Canada.

[eddielizzard]

I think she should go.

[amandacarnet]

I would let her go. Not to let her go at this stage is only going to cause resentment and I suspect mean that she will idealise Britain more. It is easy when living abroad to develop rose tinted spectacles about the country you grew up in, Actually visiting will make this less likely to happen.
Although in terms of moving abroad for university, my own observation is that families who move countries to live, are more likely to have children as adults who move abroad for university, work or just adventure. I suspect this is not about being settled or unsettled, but simply that the children have learned that moving abroad is a real option and perfectly doable.
If I am honest I think it is a bit hypocritical to worry about your DD moving abroad when presumably you left behind relatives who love and miss you when you moved abroad.

[adaline]

I guess I see it as not insisting she be Canadian, just happier to be here and more settled.

You can't force her to be happy there. In her view, you took her from her home and everything she's ever known to move somewhere totally alien to her.

Canada might be your home, but it isn't hers.

[Meandwinealone]

It never seems to end well moving teenagers across the other side of the world.

[amandacarnet]

Canada might be her home, I think it is unfair to insist it is not.
But settling 8n takes time, and being a teenager is hard anyway. It is a time of learning new social skills, and that is harder with a slightly different culture.
But you do want to avoid her developing a rose tinted view of Britain, which absence can easily do.

[churchthecat]

Let her go. She might clear off back to the UK on her own in 3 years anyway.

I think 15 is over the age where you can stop her doing things that she reasonably wants to do. It's not like she wants to become a lapdancer or join UKIP. She just wants to go on holiday to see her mate.