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16 yr old daughter won’t come home 😔

(46 Posts)
CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:59:41

My DD2 only turned 16 last month and is about to sit her GCSES. 3 weeks ago nearly it was agreed that she would stay at my other DD1 (who is 25 married with 3 kids) to revise as she has a conservatory so can spread out there and focus. Which was great but now she doesn’t want to come home! At home it is just the 2 of us so she has her own room etc. But we don’t have a separate space. And she was getting into a bad habit of coming home going upstairs and watching tv so could not motivate herself to revise in her room so I can completely understand that part of it. It’s just now I am feeling like I’ve completely lost any parental control as it was only supposed to be a few days. I do not want to push things as her exams start in 3 weeks so will probably just let things ride until the exams are done with then focus on rebuilding our relationship.. at least she is with my other daughter who I am very close with

Newyearnewme2019 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:04:42

Just check with your older DD that the youngest is actually doing revision, isn't in the way and behaving.

If I was you i would probably pop round in the week one evening, be in regular contact on the phone/text (just after school when she's likely to NOT be revising) and ask that at least on a Saturday or Sunday she visits for dinner and to giver her sister to alone time too

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Thu 18-Apr-19 13:04:53

I just cannot believe living with 5 other people 3 of whom are under 10 makes focusing / revising easier

Have you spoken to your other daughter...?

Something more fundamental is going on....
Have you spoken to your older daughter about this?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Thu 18-Apr-19 13:05:52

Sorry I didn’t mean to repeat myself blush

Chickychoccyegg Thu 18-Apr-19 13:08:21

sounds extremely unlikely that its easier to revise in a house with 3dc, rather than a quiet house with no small dc, is something else going on? whats your relationship usually like?

mcmen71 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:09:54

That is sad for you. I can't understand why she thinks she could do more study with 5 in the house than just you and her.
There must be another reason like having no chores or more socialising time at her sisters.
Your other dd should tell her she needs the space back after the exams but she is welcome to come around and visit whenever she wants.

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:10:18

Have you spoken to her about why she doesn’t want to come home?

FriarTuck Thu 18-Apr-19 13:11:31

sounds extremely unlikely that its easier to revise in a house with 3dc, rather than a quiet house with no small dc
This ^^. She has her own room at home. I don't get it.

SoHotADragonRetired Thu 18-Apr-19 13:14:54

What does your older DD say?

Was she happy at home previously?

Do you live with her father? Or does she have a stepfather?

Is she seeing anyone? Does she have friends you don't like her seeing?

I doubt this is about studying. Either she wasn't happy at home or this situation enables her to do something she wasn't as able to do at home, like see friends/a BF or GF/do stuff you didn't want her doing.

CupOhTea Thu 18-Apr-19 13:15:11

I agree with pps that this doesn’t sound right... There must be something else going on. Can you think of any other reason she’d want to stay with your other dd?

My younger sister used to come to me sometimes when she was stressed out and needed a break. It could be that? Not that you are stressing her out but sometimes you want to be around your siblings when you’re stressed. Also when my sister came I had no dcs so I could look after her a bit. Now she does not find my house stress free! Is it a big house with spare room etc? My sister doesn’t like coming to us now that she has to sleep on an air bed in the living room...

CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:18:09

Our relationship has always been really good. I've supported her through a tough year with school issues and arranged extra support there.
We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted.

I personally think in the aftermath of their break up that being at my DD1 is a distraction. She is revising and even attended revision sessions through the holidays so in that respect it has been good.

She is angry with me as after he broke up with her he wanted her to go there for a 'chat' .. I messaged his mum asking her not to agree to giving her a lift home. She replied she wasn't aware she was going there anyway and would prefer they stay away from each other until they can just be friends. She was clearly aware he was a bit of a player

blackcat86 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:18:58

I think that you need to chat to older DD and see if she can shed light on the situation and check is she is happy for it to continue. She has her own family life and her sister may help, hinder or be completely neutral to it but you won't know until you talk to her. Is your DD actually revising? I would ask her to show you her revision plan. It does seem that there is more going on for her than use of a conservatory

SoHotADragonRetired Thu 18-Apr-19 13:20:34

We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted

AHA.
Tbh, my first thought on reading your OP was "cherchez l'homme". I will bet my boots he's back in the picture, whether they are formally "back together" or not, and the main advantage of living there is that her sister is too busy and hands-off to notice or be involved.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Thu 18-Apr-19 13:20:56

Instead of removing the tv from her bedroom you allowed her to go and live in a house with three children underfoot?

This is about something else.

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:21:07

She is seeing the ex boyfriend while at your others dd’s is she?

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:21:40

isnt not is!

sonjadog Thu 18-Apr-19 13:23:18

I would talk to your older daughter and see what she thinks and if she is happy to have her there for three weeks. It might just be that it is easier to focus and not think about him there than it is at home at the moment.

Birdie6 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:24:14

She is angry with me as after he broke up with her he wanted her to go there for a 'chat

I'd say that the answer is right there - you say she was besotted, and that you badmouthed him, talked to his mother about them, etc.

She couldn't see him while she was with you .... it doesn't take a genius to work out that she is either seeing him or is talking to him at your DD1's place. '

CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:26:12

I could have removed the tv and laptop and phone and then what? She was becoming depressed and think spending time with her sister, nephew and nieces is actually helping. And my older daughter does not mind and is keeping me updated. She was a minx at that age too so she can relate to the raging hormones and stress at that age.

The ex is still the ex so not an issue. We all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is

sonjadog Thu 18-Apr-19 13:29:16

It sounds like the best thing you can do at the moment is just let her be there. When she gets more distance from the break up, she will probably be a lot less angry with you too.

SoHotADragonRetired Thu 18-Apr-19 13:30:50

I could have removed the tv and laptop and phone and then what?

Well, then she would probably have got some studying done...?

You could have given the phone back once she'd done a decent stint each evening.

And she could be seeing him or talking to him easily enough without being stopped by a poxy "find friends". She's not going to tell you anything about him any more.

CupOhTea Thu 18-Apr-19 13:31:14

Yeah, I’d also leave her to it. Sounds like she’s happy there and if your other dd doesn’t mind 🤷‍♀️. Hopefully she’ll get a bit of a break from everything, focus on her exams and then can come home a bit more relaxed. Break up and exams with mum “interfering” (as she might see it) might have all been a bit too much at once.

Mitzimaybe Thu 18-Apr-19 13:32:11

I think you are doing the right thing in not pushing her to return. Keep checking in with DD1 to make sure everything is OK, and reassure DD2 that you support her and want the best for her. It's so hard for you but I think you're handling it OK.

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:33:29

The ex is still the ex so not an issue. We all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is

As both you and his parents disapprove, could he be going there?

Justaboy Thu 18-Apr-19 13:33:41

We fell out over a boyfriend which is largely why as I could see he was playing her and being quite controlling and of course she didn't like me bad mouthing him as she was besotted.

Ah! you won't be the only one with that propblem, had that happen here with some upset and shenniganis I can tell you but remain on her side and in due course she'll see some sense past expreance indicates this.

Always happens when important exams are in the offing;!

BiscuitDrama Thu 18-Apr-19 13:36:02

Even though all have the find friends on iPhone which allows me to see where she is and vice versa so I know she is where she says she is
It would be easy enough for her to leave her phone at your DD1’s house and then meet him.

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:36:44

I also assume that she leaves your dd’s house on occasion? Although the find my phone thing will tell you where she is, it doesn’t tell you with whom?

PinkHeart5914 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:40:49

Sorry but she just doesn't want to come home!

It's not easier to revise at her sister with 3 dc.

She's 16 nobody can force her to go home if she won't, she's safe with her sister. I think the best thing to do now is just leave her alone, give the girl some space and she'll work out whatever is going on in her head.

You should of removed the tv so she could concentrate on revising, your her mother it wasn't a great effort when these exams will determin how she gets on in life.

speedbird55 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:51:01

More behind this than your daughter is letting on , my guess is the boyfriend is back or a new bf

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 18-Apr-19 13:54:02

I think if her staying with your DD1 is helping her to revise, leave her to it! It sounds as if it was her routine that was the issue, not the environment.

You can keep track of where she is (well, as long as she takes her phone) and DD1 is keeping you updated. Let her be until after exams.

recklessgran Thu 18-Apr-19 13:54:42

I'd leave her to it to be honest. I think it's up to your elder DD to tell the younger one to go home when her time's up?
You need to speak to your older DD and make a plan and ask your younger DD when she is planning on coming home perhaps?
In the meantime I would be taking younger DD out for lunch to discuss how things are going with her generally. 16 is a difficult age and although still a minor you can't force her to come home OP.

AventaRizon Thu 18-Apr-19 13:57:17

Agree with others, give her space for the time being.

CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 14:09:42

Thank you for those with positive comments. Not every drama has a big issues in the background. A lot of it is purely anxiety over exams etc. She would not be more than a few feet away from her phone and does not go anywhere usually without being taken.

I have to just leave her to it at arms length and keep supporting her. She is looking forward to going to college and is stressing about getting the right results to go in at the level she wants to.

To take the tv away would not have broken the habits she got into. She has a laptop which she needs to revise with as a lot of the work is online now. So could just as easily watch rubbish on that too or her phone.

Took her phone off her overnight during the mock exams and my god it was like depriving a drug addict of their fix!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 18-Apr-19 14:12:50

She is looking forward to going to college and is stressing about getting the right results to go in at the level she wants to

Sounds as if she's found something to help her focus which is great. Just tell her you're proud of her for working so hard and you'll take her out for a treat after the exams...?

Margot33 Thu 18-Apr-19 14:14:42

I think you're doing the right thing. She was stressed, now she's happily revising at her sisters. As long as her sister's happy, I see no harm in her staying there until the exams are over. Break ups feel ten times worse at that age, I blame the hormones!

NoCauseRebel Thu 18-Apr-19 14:21:40

your her mother it wasn't a great effort when these exams will determin how she gets on in life. clearly she is revising though. And I assume you did all the revising you were told to at that age? I know I sure as hell didn’t. At the end of the day these are her exams, she’s the one who has to put in the effort, and as parents it doesn’t matter how much we tell them they have to do well and that they have to revise for x amount of time, they have to do it for themselves. You can lead a horse to water as they say....

OP I would just bide your time. If she’s in contact, and if she’s revising, then she’s safe, if the boyfriend’s back on the scene then that’ll all sort itself out in time anyway. For now focus on the exams etc.

And ignore the posters who say there is clearly some bigger drama in the mix. Sixteen year olds are complicated beings. I know, I have one, and we have a fantastic relationship. But when he’s doing exams my god does he become stroppy, uncommunicative, uncooperative etc. I used to rise to it until I realised that the only person who became upset by it in the end was me. So now I ignore, ignore ignore and it passes.

As she’s staying with her sister and assuming her sister doesn’t mind just leave her be for now. But be there for her when the stress blows over, which it undoubtedly will.

CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 14:30:13

And ignore the posters who say there is clearly some bigger drama in the mix.

Thank you .. yes some very negative replies. I have always had a very good relationship with her and do with my older 2 children. There is a 10 yr age gap between my youngest (the 16 yr old) and my middle child so she having fallen out with some friends at school and the break up with the boyfriend really wants distractions of her sister, nephew and nieces.

Just me feeling lonely now too I guess as had a very tough few years myself.

She will get through her exams and go onto college a stronger young lady and have a fabulous life and in time we will come back together smile

StormTreader Thu 18-Apr-19 14:30:43

She's 16 not 12. You're talking about "losing parental control", not approving of her being in her own room instead of sitting with you when she gets home, using find my friends to keep tabs on her, and taking her phone and laptop away.

I'm not surprised now she has a tiny bit of freedom she wants to keep it!

CycleCUBA2008 Thu 18-Apr-19 14:34:37

*She's 16 not 12. You're talking about "losing parental control", not approving of her being in her own room instead of sitting with you when she gets home, using find my friends to keep tabs on her, and taking her phone and laptop away.

I'm not surprised now she has a tiny bit of freedom she wants to keep it!*

At only just 16 she still needs boundaries! I took her phone off her overnight purely for her benefit as she got a better nights sleep. Never took her laptop away. And the find friends is something many people owning iPhones use. Even my 25 yr old uses it to see where I am if she can't get hold of me. It's a feature on the phone not a stalking app

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 18-Apr-19 14:35:14

I think you just need to relax a bit. She's 16, you know where she is and that she's safe.
She's at that horrible age where she thinks she's a fully matured adult and you think she's still your baby. Neither of you are right and you need to meet in the middle somewhere or it will just end in tears.

Acis Thu 18-Apr-19 14:40:40

I could have removed the tv and laptop and phone and then what?

Well, then she would probably have got some studying done...?

It wouldn't work, trust me. Back in the day when I was looking for displacement activities to avoid revising, we didn't have laptops and mobile phones, nor did we have a TV in my student accommodation. I ended up reading crap books and magazines that I'd already read to avoid the dreadful prospect of opening a textbook.

CupOhTea Thu 18-Apr-19 14:45:18

@acis

I did housework shock. Anything to avoid it!

GetOffTheTableMabel Thu 18-Apr-19 14:46:11

I can understand why you’re feeling sad but perhaps try and think of it as a good thing? A bit of time apart might be just what she needs. My dd is 18 and studying for A levels right now. She often just needs a change of venue for revision- not because one is somehow better than the other but because, after a while, it just gets stale and hard to concentrate if you’ve been in the same space for weeks. She’ll move between her bedroom, dining room, the office, school library and public library. After a few weeks, she needs to shift. All that really matters is that she’s safe and she’s studying. As long as she knows she’s welcome at home anytime. Everything else can be fixed later.

Branleuse Thu 18-Apr-19 14:48:51

your other daughter is not going to want her little sister there long term. This will burn itself out naturally

TatianaLarina Thu 18-Apr-19 14:49:56

I doubt DD1 will want her there indefinitely anyway. So there can be a rethink on both sides after her exams.

Jux Thu 18-Apr-19 15:09:16

I think it's fine, you're a bit lonely of course, but you can fix that a little by going over there once a week and having cake with them!

If your dd is revising then she's doing fine. Leave her there until the exams are over and then she'll probably be sent home by her sister+dh. They won't want to support her forever and will want their own space back.

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