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Total pube shame and mortification.

(121 Posts)
DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 11:39:59

I have made a new friend who popped round this morning to borrow my steam mop. Yes, that's how I roll. Was putting on the kettle which is a cream colour - this is relevant as cream shows everything - when I noticed a very long pube stuck on the enamelled bit. I tried to brush it off nonchalantly but it would not budge. Do you think she saw and where the fook did it come from? How do pubes get on a kettle? Well, one pube anyways.

Dieu Thu 18-Apr-19 11:48:01

I very much doubt she'd have noticed smile

formerbabe Thu 18-Apr-19 11:48:56

Do you think she saw

Yes, definitely

MaMaMaMySharona Thu 18-Apr-19 11:50:08

Do you have a DP with a beard? Mine does, and his beard hair gets EVERYWHERE. Everything in my house looks like it's covered in pubes.

CarolSpatula Thu 18-Apr-19 11:52:12

Did she drink the tea you made with the pube kettle? That should give you some indication of whether she saw it or not

Easterbunnynearlyhere Thu 18-Apr-19 11:53:59

To get a true pic of your slovennness does your toaster match your kettle?

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 11:54:30

No MaMaMaMySharona DH is unfortunately smooth as a baby's bum. I can't blame the cats as they are short-haired and non-pubey looking. Anyone who has ever seen a pube would know exactly what they were looking at: a pube-riddled kettle.

ChrisPrattsFace Thu 18-Apr-19 11:55:59

What on Earth do you do with your kettle OP? 😂

mimibunz Thu 18-Apr-19 11:56:57

I hate to laugh at another person’s misfortune but 😂. Sorry, OP, I know that’s not helpful.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 11:58:19

Easterbunnynearlyhere I am quite pretentious so kettle is a Smeg. No, the irony is not lost. I have also lent her the fabric pad for the steam mop which is probably covered in who knows. Steam mop was Silvercrest fron the Lidl aisle of mad things so hope that counterbalances wanky cream kettle plus pube.

Fairenuff Thu 18-Apr-19 11:59:24

Have you been steaming your fanjo? Yes, that's a thing.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:01:29

CarolSpatula she left about an inch of tea. Probs choking on a pube.

MashedSpud Thu 18-Apr-19 12:02:12

Omg smeg and pubes. Laughing so hard right now.

TFBundy Thu 18-Apr-19 12:03:32

I wore a mini-skirt on a date once when I was younger and thinner. Met date, sat down crossed my legs and saw the fattest, blackest pube trapped under my tights half way up my leg. It looked like one of Brian Blessed's bum crack hairs. Was praying date hadn't seen it right up until the point he pointed at it and burst out laughing.

I am sure your friend didn't see though OP flowers

LaurieMarlow Thu 18-Apr-19 12:05:14

I am quite pretentious


You're my new favourite poster.

DH is quite hairy (has a lot of chest hair and so on). He moults and it looks like our house is covered in pubes. There's not much I can do about it so I couldn't care less.

AnneTwackie Thu 18-Apr-19 12:07:17

she definitely saw the pine stuck in your smeg, you should probably move house in shame

AnneTwackie Thu 18-Apr-19 12:07:33

*pube not pine

PhilomenaButterfly Thu 18-Apr-19 12:08:34

😂 at one of Brian Blessed's bum crack hairs.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:10:49

It could have been a mega long nipple pube. I had one that poked through the padding of my bra when having a fitting in Fenwicks about three years ago. It's still crystal clear in my mind; however, that does not explain the kettle.
My attempts at sophistication are always cruelly thwarted by me being myself.

LaurieMarlow Thu 18-Apr-19 12:12:17

Anyone who has ever seen a pube would know exactly what they were looking at: a pube-riddled kettle.

grin grin grin

TheVandalsTookTheHandles Thu 18-Apr-19 12:13:22

😞 are you bored op? Got an article to write?

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:13:28

AnneTwackie I can't - imagine the particulars on Rightmove? Photos of the odd pube forever in glorious technicolour on the internet.

NameChangeNugget Thu 18-Apr-19 12:14:05

We’ve all done it hmm

BlueMerchant Thu 18-Apr-19 12:15:19

Every time she sees you she will be thinking 'pube'. She'll likely change your name on her phone contacts to 'pube'. She will refer to you as 'pube' amongst her family and friends.
You need to move and find a new friendship group in order to escape the ridicule grin

Purplecatshopaholic Thu 18-Apr-19 12:15:53

A Smeg with a pube on it - laughing so hard right now

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:17:42

TheVandalsTookTheHandles It's true. It might have just been one pube but it was definitely visible. She might not have seen it if she had had her eyes plucked out by crows.
FWIW I have been on MN for years and have never changed my name so you can check if you like.

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:20:06

I can't blame the cats as they are short-haired and non-pubey looking


Bookworm4 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:20:57

Put your house on the market by the end of the day, there's no other way forward.

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:21:22

I hate it when pubes go pube-lic like that wink

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:23:29

intensiveeveline that is a fabulous cat and completely rocks the pube.

missmouse101 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:23:55

Sure it wasn't partner's chest hair?

Pinkarsedfly Thu 18-Apr-19 12:23:56

What’s worse, a smeg with a pube on it, or a pube with smeg on it?


Purplecatshopaholic Thu 18-Apr-19 12:24:27

Bookworm you are cracking me up

Wavingwhiledrowning Thu 18-Apr-19 12:24:53

Haha! Brilliant! Yes, she definitely saw it. And then had to gulp her tea and hope for the best.

I once saw a pube on my desk at work. Obvs not mine (promise), but I spotted it when I was talking to someone in my team. Tried to sort of swipe it away in a casual way and it stuck to my hand. A) why was it on my desk? B) why did it stick to me? C) did my team member notice? (answers: a) I dread to think. B) see a. C) yes. If their laughter was anything to go by.)

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:26:21

What a fab cat intensiveeveline If only we could all wear our pubes so proudly.

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:28:51

If only we could all wear our pubes so proudly

Agreed! That cat is just daring anyone to say something about his pubey-fur.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:29:27

missmouse101 sadly not - it had a very pronounced bulb at the root. Definitely groin area.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 12:42:23

Wavingwhiledrowning we are all just trying to navigate our way through life but our human-based foibles are always there trying to fuck us right up. I agree that it was definitely not your pube.

KurriKurri Thu 18-Apr-19 12:47:28

I was once given a cup of tea at someone's house and when I got to the bottom of the cup there was a pube sitting in half a centimeter of tea.
At least your friend knew there was potentially a pube in her tea, so could take steps to avoid it (which given she left an inch in the bottom of the cup, she did).

But in answer to your question - yes she saw it, yes she has told all your mutual friends, yes you are now referred to as Pubey by everyone in your circle of acquaintance. Embrace your new found fame grin

FurrySlipperBoots Thu 18-Apr-19 12:47:47

I know I'm innocent, but what is 'smeg' slang for?

BoreOfWhabylon Thu 18-Apr-19 12:49:51

It is springtime. The birds are nesting.

No doubt a bird was gathering nesting materials from your neighbourhood. No doubt this included random scattered pubes.

A pube-laden bird flew in through your kitchen window looking for sustenance in the form of crumbs on your countertop, adjacent to the Smeg kettle. It obviously had to put down its burden in order to peck up the crumbs.

Having refreshed itself, it flew off again to carry on nest building, but inadvertently left behind a stray pube.

A plausible explanation, I feel.

And it could have been worse - the Smeg kettle could have been left bespattered with bird shit, so count yourself lucky!

Dahlietta Thu 18-Apr-19 12:51:49

I reckon if you put a perfectly normal head hair on a kettle and then boil the kettle, the hair would get frazzled into taking on a pube-like texture. Can’t be arsed to do an experiment, but maybe someone else can and could report back.

Oblomov19 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:52:39

" I am quite pretentious" grin

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:55:31


grin Weeping!

Please write a book!

Jebuschristchocolatebar Thu 18-Apr-19 12:56:55

Maybe your dh fancies the kettle

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:57:22


OneDayillSleep Thu 18-Apr-19 12:57:26

furryslippers it's just a brand of electrical goods that pretentious people with money to burn tend to buy, £200 for a kettle type thing...!

And yes she deffo saw the pube on your cream smeg grin everyone from miles around knows about your pubes! Get the house on the market grin

BoreOfWhabylon Thu 18-Apr-19 12:57:43

It is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the dilemma OP finds herself in intensiveeveline. All she has to do is style it out.

I was not attempting levity <po-face>

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 18-Apr-19 12:58:44

cats are short-haired and non-pubey looking
she left about an inch of tea. Probs choking on a pube

I don't care if it's true or not - I just appreciate the best belly laugh I've had all week

(Eyes cats ... nope, definitely non-pubey grin)

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 12:58:49


intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 13:01:49

All she has to do is style it out


I was not attempting levity <po-face>

<Sniggers childishly>

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 13:04:52

" I am quite pretentious" you have to be totally upfront about these things . So many posts of pure shite and utter wankdom have spilled from these unnamechanging lips over the years Oblomov19 . I am just owning it and admitting I can be a bit/lot of a tool. I have only ever had one slight run in on MN when I was slightly out of order. I pm'd to apologise.
I am never cruel or horrible but I am a tit - a pubey one at that.

Strugglingtodomybest Thu 18-Apr-19 13:10:52

To whoever asked, smeg is shirt for smema which is:
a sebaceous secretion in the folds of the skin, especially under a man's foreskin.

OP, you should have asked her to admire your newly pubed kettle and enquired as to when she thought she'd be joining the trend.

Strugglingtodomybest Thu 18-Apr-19 13:11:15

* short, not skirt

Strugglingtodomybest Thu 18-Apr-19 13:11:57

*smegma, not smema

I'll get my coat...

QueenKubauOfKish Thu 18-Apr-19 13:13:08

Love the look on that cat’s face. It’s a look that totally says “NO PUBE JOKES OK” grin

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 13:14:14


intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 13:17:17

Love the look on that cat’s face. It’s a look that totally says “NO PUBE JOKES OK”

Totally - I for one wouldn't dare cross that cat!

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Thu 18-Apr-19 13:18:03

@intensiveeveline - gorgeous cat pic!!!! What an amazing face!

@DameDoom - luckily you're very funny, so you've made a load of new friends on this thread (incl me.... Now officially your No 1 fan) BUT your friend absolutely saw. Is absolutely telling everyone she knows (including the school and probably SS) AND has further embellished by suggesting that you and your DH have some fetishised, kinky sex life involving expensive kitchen/electrical equipment.

Moving won't help you.... Rumour and gossip will follow wherever you go. You'll have to have completely new identities (every member of your family), extensive plastic surgery/facial reconstruction and never go on social media ever again.

DanglyTassles Thu 18-Apr-19 13:25:13

Over in Thighland we are currently engaged in a plan to launch a range of 'luxury pubes' for your perusal.

We feel there is a strong market for these and this thread only serves to remind us of the shame that folks feel when their pubes are of the 'average' 'bog standard' variety.

Get thee to Thighland OP and all who are interested in and could add to our pubic japes:

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 13:30:20

Strugglingtodomybest would you like to borrow my Silvercrest Steam mop?
MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord I am going to hand myself in anyway. I am a bleedin' liability. I can cope with her thinking I am a sex-dungeon pervert but now she knows I am wall to wall Lidl with the odd frippery for show. One stray pube and my carefully curated idyll has come tumbling down - a veritable house of cards. At this rate, people are going to KNOW I have a plastic, corrugated carport attached to my regal abode.

VirginiaWolfHall Thu 18-Apr-19 13:36:07

😂 funny thread!
Op if it makes you feel any better I once handed in an essay to my gorgeous lecturer - who I had fancied for about a year - and it had a fucking stray pube stuck within the clear poly pocket. I cannot describe the mortification as we both looked down and saw it staring back up 🤦‍♀️. Thankfully it was about twenty years ago so I’ve had time to recover (just).

Mumsymumphy Thu 18-Apr-19 13:36:15

'Pube-riddled kettle'

'Brian Blessed's bum crack hairs'

God I love this thread. Just need a good belly laugh today. gringrin

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord Thu 18-Apr-19 13:36:33

At this rate, people are going to KNOW I have a plastic, corrugated carport attached to my regal abode
<Reports previous post to MNHQ requesting immediate and permanent deletion and eye bleach for any poster who may have read it and thought I liked you>.
<Leaves thread, disgusted>.

<Slams door behind self>

PigletJohn Thu 18-Apr-19 13:46:04

Rockmysocks Thu 18-Apr-19 13:47:54

I think you have angry pubes that wanted to show you up. There's a word, 'resistentialism' that describes the ability of inanimate objects to have hostility towards humans. I think that must explain kettle pubes.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 13:50:51

VirginiaWolfHall He will have thought scatty intellectual and laughed while wearing tweed sexily. In reality though, he won't: you will be forever poly-pocket pube girl. We need to form a support group.
Pube friend texted me to go for lunch next week -she is lovely though so either saw and laughed or will be chortling when I tell her.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 13:55:58

Rockmysocks Kettle pubes with bulbs no less.
I love how I use my Easter hols so productively. Sometimes I inspire myself.

CabbageHippy Thu 18-Apr-19 14:02:19

We've managed to frame a picture in our house (large, A3 kind of size) and on hanging it has a big pube right in the middle of it - it's a dark picture but is known affectionately as the pube picture & has been hanging happily for about 9 years

BaronessBomburst Thu 18-Apr-19 14:08:18

Can you blame the mushrooms? Mushrooms come with pube-y hairs attached. Start telling her about the fabulous mushroom arinccini/ quinoa pilaf/ insert name of any dish which spell check doesn't recognise here, and ask if she'd like the recipe for her next dinner party.

DancingWithWillard Thu 18-Apr-19 14:11:56

I had a cat just like that intensiveevelyn except he was ginger. His name was Henry. <pointless post>

intensiveeveline Thu 18-Apr-19 14:15:40

I had a cat just like that intensiveevelyn except he was ginger. His name was Henry. <pointless post>

Posts about cats are NEVER pointless!!!

Ginger cats are amazing. I've had a couple. Real characters and totally gave me the run-around (all cats do, but these were extra...)

DancingWithWillard Thu 18-Apr-19 14:22:10

I had 2 very briefly. First one died of FIP at less than 2, and my second was knocked over at 18 months (despite being an indoor cat). So I felt for the good of cat kind I had to give up my ginger obsession and got an aged silver tabby instead.

Purplecatshopaholic Thu 18-Apr-19 14:22:25

I reckon most of us who love cats could weave a cat post into most threads, lol. None of mine have fur like pubes though...

DancingWithWillard Thu 18-Apr-19 14:24:14

<re-rails thread>
Op I have often wondered when using the scrubber/sponge for cleaning the surfaces, where the chuff all the tiny black pube hairs come from. It matters not which room I am cleaning. My son is 8, no pubes on him, and I am generally closely clipped. Is there a pube fairy?
Only plausible explanation is the birds nesting one above.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 14:28:45

BaronessBomburst I'm coming round to yours. Am now worrying that steam mop pad has not only pubes on it but also mushrooms.

lotusbell Thu 18-Apr-19 14:33:34

Bookmarking to laugh at this later

CharlyAngelic Thu 18-Apr-19 14:34:26

Time to get a Quooker tap OP.

LakieLady Thu 18-Apr-19 14:37:06

Thankfully, any errant pubes in this house are blamed on the dog. She has a wiry coat, and the fur on her back is what's known as "grizzle" - a mixture of black/very dark grey and white hair.

Even grey pubes can be attributed to the dog.

BaronessBomburst Thu 18-Apr-19 14:38:32

<puts pubes kettle on>

pineapplebryanbrown Thu 18-Apr-19 14:39:06

OP were you attached to that particular pube? Was it your only one?

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 14:48:24

thighofrelief101 I have thigh brows and wear a sporran. If DH leaves am fucked. He thinks this is normal. I told him that obvs.

CharlyAngelic Thu 18-Apr-19 14:49:13

Love your cat ( pussy ) @intensiveeveline

I had an elderly friend whose mother told her that underarm hair was pubic hair. Maybe you were wearing a sleeveless top?

Lexilooo Thu 18-Apr-19 14:51:03

Smeg was also the substitute rude word used in Red Dwarf:
Eg Smeghead, smeg off, oh smeg, pile of smeg etc

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 14:51:22

LakieLady bastard silky- haired cats will have to be culled then. It's the only way. Fookin' pets.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 14:53:18

OMG - my cat actually read that!!! I was joking. Oh, God... and it's Good Friday!

PhilomenaButterfly Thu 18-Apr-19 14:56:24

No, it's not, that's tomorrow! 😂

AestheticPerfection Thu 18-Apr-19 14:57:41


I keep finding my partners beard, chest, and pubic hairs everywhere. It happens.

Last night I found one solitary doggie in my packet of emmental cheese.

reallybadidea Thu 18-Apr-19 15:00:17

I think that you should message her to apologise. It's the right thing to do.

AestheticPerfection Thu 18-Apr-19 15:02:05

Dog hair FFS

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 15:03:44

PhilomenaButterfly that's why the cat was eye-rolling. Self-flagellation on a Good Thursday. Bugger.

pineapplebryanbrown Thu 18-Apr-19 15:04:57

OP you ought to send her a handwritten letter of apology, with a diagram.

AgnosticBaker Thu 18-Apr-19 15:05:10

AestheticPerfection thank God, I thought "doggie" was a weird euphemism for a pube.

AgnosticBaker Thu 18-Apr-19 15:05:46

Yes a diagram! Otherwise we can't make a ruling as to whether she saw or not.

CharlyAngelic Thu 18-Apr-19 15:06:14

Let's not s(p)lit hairs !)

pineapplebryanbrown Thu 18-Apr-19 15:07:15

Be honest, was it your clumsy way of coming on to her? Bit aggressive imo.

justasking111 Thu 18-Apr-19 15:08:34

Married to a hairy beast, the things moult everywhere. DS is even hairier but gets his beloved to wax some bits.

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 15:15:12

I can't look at a quill whilst penning my earnest yet pube-based missivethighofrelief101- too similar. Will text - although don't have to as she is well up for lunch. I might have met a like-minded soul.

SkintAsASkintThing Thu 18-Apr-19 15:18:07

Pubes get everywhere in my house. One fell out of a book I was reading once confused

DameDoom Thu 18-Apr-19 15:21:29

thighofrelief101 I am definitely about 50% straight but I would definitely say I fancy her a bit. Lovely, elegant, funny and clever and pretends not to see pubes.

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