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Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

(211 Posts)
Elsaor3lse Thu 18-Apr-19 10:09:39

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

BlueJava Thu 25-Apr-19 21:40:35

YABU she is your DM not your servant! Sounds a right drama - go on hols with just your own family and look after your own kids!

Abbazed Thu 25-Apr-19 20:35:03

I read all. Just felt for her poor Mother!

adagio Thu 25-Apr-19 11:43:21

Christ this thread has a lot of OP bashing. Poor OP. If DGM didn’t want to see this lot of grandchildren she should have said, not come on holiday (for free) to a presumably beautiful alpine part of the world, with daily spa, then moaned /been PA when she was expected to help. I’m sure that op could have got a crèche/nanny or whatever but (mistakenly?) thought her DM would like to see her kids, and enjoy a free week in the alps with a spa every morning.
flowers to the OP and hope you and your little one feel better soon

Rach182 Thu 25-Apr-19 11:32:13

Why don't people rtft confused to those commenting days late, OP took everyone's suggestions on board in her update on p.7.

Abbazed Thu 25-Apr-19 10:50:24

Op she's your daughter YOU bake with her and dare I say it touch the art stuff. what's the worst that could happen?

Seeline Thu 25-Apr-19 10:11:21

What is the point of taking hte DCs with you if a) they don't ski, and b) you obviously don't want to be with them?

either pay for a proper creche/childcare facility in resort
or wait until you whole family is old enough to join in.

I cannot believe the attitude you have to your DM!

What does your DH do in this set up - does he have any interaction with (I assume) his children?

I had pneumonia at age 5 (over 45 years ago) and I still remember I how ill I felt and how scared I was (kept hallucinating etc) I really hope your DD has not had to go through that without apparent.

PortiaCastis Thu 25-Apr-19 09:53:46

Look after your own kids, why did you have them if you want to swan of skiing and leech childcare from your mother she's not your skivvy

Skihound Thu 25-Apr-19 08:19:36

I think it is quite common to take a non skiing GP skiing to babysit. We do the same and the 2 GM’s can’t wait for their turn but it might be a bit different for us as we typically go somewhere like club med where all they have to do is look after the 5 year old on an afternoon while myself DH and eldest go back skiing - there is no tidying and all meals & drinks are provided but I know a lot of families who use a similar arrangement to the OP so maybe your DM is just not wanting to do it anymore.

Lifeover Thu 25-Apr-19 07:38:53

Oh and if your DD has pneumonia Fock the ski slopes you should be staying in a nice warm home with her. Do you know how painful
And dangerous pneumonia is, how poorly it makes you feel. You and DH need to take it in turns to look after your poor DD.

Your brother is also a twat. Anyone obsessed with a hobby to that extent is seriously lacking balance in their life

Your mum is older now and prob not able to go sledging, people’s ability can deteriorate rapidly

Lifeover Thu 25-Apr-19 07:31:32

Wtf? Do people actually treat their parents like this???

You have two choices. Take your mum stop treating her like paid staff and, I don’t know, parent your children and do washing when you’re in

Alternatively you could actually pay someone to act as paid staff and treat your mum well.

Thepacksurvives Thu 25-Apr-19 07:08:01

I haven't read the full thread but what I have read is quite harsh on the op. I know several couples who take a GP on a ski holiday to look after the kids and help out. My mum has mentioned it loads and is looking forward to my two being a little older so she can do it, although I plan to get my youngest on skis at 3 so realistically we won't be having loads of ski holidays with mum.

Your mum was happy to at some point but maybe is over it now. I'd be getting the youngest on skis as quickly as possible so you can manage without mums help

HBStowe Thu 25-Apr-19 06:49:41

It sounds like a lot of drama over nothing. It’s daft to get so cross you can’t speak over a laundry mistake, even if it did ruin a t-shirt.

If you can afford to take your mum on holiday it just seems like really poor form to only offer that in return for childcare. On top of that with the laundry aggro I expect your DM feels a bit underappreciated. Maybe she is also sensitive about the fact that there’s only one kid left to give her a job and she’s worried she won’t be welcome any more once you don’t need childcare?

I would have a chat. Don’t mention the laundry or the tea, but ask her if she still likes the arrangement. And if you still plan to bring her on holiday when you don’t need childcare, let her know so she’s not worried or resentful about it.

Cherrysherbet Thu 25-Apr-19 06:12:42

Oh my, you do sound like high maintenance op.

You lost me at ‘provide childcare in the afternoons’ 🙄

Couldn’t help but read to the end, just to see if there were any more gems...... didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love).......oh look , there’s another.

You sound entitled.

MaybeitsMaybelline Thu 25-Apr-19 06:07:57

I feel sorry for mum, she can’t do wrong for right and is expected to be joyful on a holiday where she’s brought along as a skivvy whilst you all go off skiing every afternoon for hours.

TheSerenDipitY Thu 25-Apr-19 05:30:38

maybe start giving her a gift of money weekly when she has spent al week doing free childcare and when you bring her on holiday..... actually give her a holiday

RainbowWaffles Thu 25-Apr-19 03:40:55

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here, I know quite a few people who take parents on snow holidays to baby sit little ones some of the day. We have done it too. The GP’s are usually all willing participants not martyred skivvies. I think the key is making DM feel appreciated and to check with her all the time that she is happy with the day’s arrangements rather than the more formal business like ‘agreement’ you seem to have. Lots of gratitude doesn’t go amiss either. My DM insists she loves coming on holiday and spending time with the DC. The background here though is she is the permanent live in child minder of numerous other DC and sounds like a lovely woman incapable of saying no. I would question how happy she really is with this arrangement and it sounds like she could just do with a real holiday from being everyone’s free childcare.

Rosesaredead Thu 25-Apr-19 03:07:44

It's not very nice to bring your mum on holiday to act as childcare. Maybe your mum is a bit hurt by this arrangement but doesn't want to say no as she gets to spend time with you all. It's quite sad to be honest.

Also, you sound like YOU are 'over' this arrangement as you seem very annoyed over something which isn't really a big deal and I'd not really think twice about.

Abbazed Wed 24-Apr-19 17:29:08

And laundry hahah

Abbazed Wed 24-Apr-19 17:28:59

Ps. Do your own landry!

Abbazed Wed 24-Apr-19 17:28:00

You're VERY selfish and self-centred. She's your Mother not your slave

TheTrollFairy Sat 20-Apr-19 23:33:26

Your mum is basically on a busmans holiday. You can dress it up all you want as a holiday for your mum but it really isn’t. You didn’t even really ask her if the arrangements would be suitable for her to look after your DD, you just went along with it!
Do you visit your MIl and leave DD every afternoon whilst your there too? Or is it just your mum that gets this ‘special’ treatment.

callmeadoctor Sat 20-Apr-19 23:19:33

What on earth is a "small pneumonia" anyway?

LaurieMarlow Fri 19-Apr-19 11:18:00

Fair play to the OP for taking on the comments.

Acis Fri 19-Apr-19 11:16:19

Why did your DD have to ski down the steep bit if she was unhappy? Couldn't she had walked?

Dana28 Fri 19-Apr-19 10:09:04

What,in your mind, do you imagine your mum is getting out of the holiday??

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