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Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

(211 Posts)
Elsaor3lse Thu 18-Apr-19 10:09:39

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

thebabessavedme Thu 18-Apr-19 10:36:43

I'm a dgm and frankly your holiday sounds like hell on earth. If I was your mum I would be all over the apres ski and you would be doing your own washing and childcare. HTH

Nesssie Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:44

Why are you doing so much washing on holiday?

But you are making a big deal out of it:
1st incident - not even an incident. So you accidentally washed her stuff twice, she asked why. She then tumble dried some stuff and a couple of items got creased, one top had some details flaking off. I very much doubt she deliberately tried to ruin your clothes.

2nd incident- If you had a go at her for tumble drying the first lot of clothes I'm not surprised she didn't want to touch the second lot. Yes, she could have put them in the basket rather than the floor.

You then badmouthed her to your SIL and she overheard. I'm not surprised she didn't make you tea. Passive aggressive, yes, but she was obviously very upset that you would bitch about her.

Daughter getting hurt- Absolutely ridiculous that you could blame her for this. Accidents happen. She was talking to your son, not ignoring all the children.

Stop treating her like an au pair, treat her like a parent/grandparent.

KnifeAngel Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:45

You are treating your mum terribly. Who on earth takes their mum on holiday to look after their children?

Look after your own children and learn to respect your mum.

Whoops75 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:54

Putting a hand on the laundry to check if it’s wet or dry isn’t too much to ask.

Treating her like a babysitter 24/7 instead of defined periods is not ok.

YABU and very unkind

ineedaholidaynow Thu 18-Apr-19 10:38:13

Slightly missing the point, but why are you doing so much laundry on holiday?

flumpybear Thu 18-Apr-19 10:39:06

Sounds like you're assuming you're being nice taking your mum on holiday

In actual fact you can't have the holiday you want unless you bring her along to be your skivvy

You're treating her very badly, I'd be ashamed of you if you were my child

LuvSmallDogs Thu 18-Apr-19 10:40:58

Oh, and stuff getting accidentally fucked in the tumble drier and kids face planting while adults are distracted HAPPENS. Are you never without another adult to blame for your DC’s mishaps, have you never accidentally washed a white with the darks? FFS.

PerfectPenquins Thu 18-Apr-19 10:41:18

Treating your mum to a holiday each year is lovely but only if it's a gift. Expecting her to come along and be child care for you both is pretty shit. Either you want to treat your mum or you don't. It should be no strings attached.

NataliaOsipova Thu 18-Apr-19 10:41:22

I think some of the replies on here are a bit harsh. I know a couple of grandparents who have gone on holiday with their kids specifically to look after the DGC - there’s no obvious reason for resentment if it’s all agreed in advance. Sounds like here the OP’s mum gets a holiday she wouldn’t ordinarily have had and she gets some one on one time with her grandchildren.

From what you say, OP, you’ve hit the nail on the head - there obviously is something that’s pissing her off! Is she the type to talk about it? If so, could you take her out for a drink or a coffee and try to get to the bottom of it?

joaninthesun Thu 18-Apr-19 10:42:08

I think you’re not treating your DM very fairly and are treating her like hired help.

S1naidSucks Thu 18-Apr-19 10:43:31

Jesus, that poor woman. She’s being treated as an au pair by her own children, who act like the bountiful benefactors. Unless there’s a back story and your mum was a crap parent, I can’t believe you make her ‘earn’ her holiday by working for you. I’ve happily sacrificed for my children, but if one suggested that they ‘treated’ me to a holiday but expected me to work for it, I’d tell them to fuck off. Talk about being treated like the poor relative.

I take it you don’t expect her to leave you anything in her will? After all, you haven’t earned it!

IHateUncleJamie Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:16

What “fun” does your DM get to “join in” with? It sounds like my idea of hell, tbh. I think she’s making a point with the washing because you were cross about your DC’s t shirt and seem to be treating her like staff. If there’s something that definitely mustn’t go in the tumble drier then you should wash it and hang it out yourself.

You sound a bit entitled; especially the part about being disappointed that your DM didn’t do baking and art with your DD. It is supposed to be her holiday too and she’s not an au pair. hmm

I think she’s had enough.

faeveren Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:28

YABU for all of the reasons stated above ... and making a drama out of the laundry. And blaming your DM for your DD injury and no I didn't miss the 2 sleepless nights due to small pneumonia so maybe you are tired and grumpy and should apologise?

Notice how it was no big deal when you washed her clothes twice but it was a big deal when she dried yours and a bigger deal when she didn't and left them on the floor hmm

JenniferJareau Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:44

So, because she has a low income, you think it is OK to take her on holiday with you but expecting her to be your skivvy to earn her 'keep'?

livefornaps Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:45

Lol the op has headed to the hills!

I think some replies here are harsh but maybe you needed a wake-up call.

The fact you felt it necessary to specify that your mum is "low income" says it all

daisypond Thu 18-Apr-19 10:46:15

You’re not treating your DM well. She’s like your servant. I’m not surprised she sounds miffed. Where’s the holiday in this arrangement for her? Mishaps with washing and tumble dryer and communication are just normal events in most people’s lives that they get over.

doodleygirl Thu 18-Apr-19 10:47:09

You treat your low income mum as a member of the skivvy brigade and you think you are being generous. You really dont like your mum do you?

Nanny0gg Thu 18-Apr-19 10:47:17

Life's too precious and short to read such posts to the end wink Sorry, OP!

But not too short for a snipey comment?

OP, how old is your mum now? Is she active enough to take your DC sledging?

And who bakes cakes on holiday??

S1naidSucks Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:17

BTW, she’s probably on low income because she sacrificed a career to fucking raise you, so you could have a better life than she had. I’m sure there’s times she wishes she could turn the clock back. I genuinely feel so sorry for that poor woman.

adaline Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:29

You've treated your mother appallingly.

If I were her, I'd be telling you to fuck off and pay for your own childcare.

MissMooMoo Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:51

So you complained she put everything in the tumble dryer and then the next time you complained she made no effort to dry your clothing?! Sounds like she can't do anything right.
Doesn't sound like a holiday for her AT ALL!
Yabvu and your mum should have told you to fuck off a long time ago.

girlywhirly Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:08

It sounds as though you should all holiday separately. OK, so you are sharing the cost of DM’s holiday, but maybe after 6 yrs this isn’t actually a holiday for her anymore, just more of the same as at home, only in a different location? Maybe she isn’t coping with the more physical stuff as well as she used to, you don’t say her age but could she not be as well as she used to be?

You are all self catering, which she is now finding hard, and I suspect she would rather not come on holiday at all than have to deal with other peoples laundry and so on. It sounds also that now the DGC are older, she feels like a spare part and probably unappreciated. Perhaps you could kindly ask her if it is too much now to cope with, because I doubt she will raise the issue herself without seeming ungrateful. As an older lady myself, I don’t do self catering any more. Been there, done that, not a holiday.

ukgift2016 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:21

I think it is horrible how you have treated your own mother. She is not your nanny. Why not be nice and just treat her to a holiday instead of expecting something back from it?

I be ashamed if I was you.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:41

I'd never treat my mum like 'the help'. That's what you've done here.

So she's on a low income and she comes along to be the babysitter.

I don't like it one bit. Its different if she's being brought on holiday and gets to do things in the daytime...then babysits in the evenings when you go out...but it doesn't sound that enjoyable for her.

You're paying her airfare to do a job. Nothing in it for her IMO.

Very sad indeed.

CarolDanvers Thu 18-Apr-19 10:50:55

She sounds passive aggressive and maybe she’s fed up of these fully paid for holidays... Leave her behind next time.

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