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Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?

(211 Posts)
Elsaor3lse Thu 18-Apr-19 10:09:39

DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?

Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....

Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.

Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!

Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.

Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"

I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.

AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?

I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

SeriouslyStrongCheese Thu 18-Apr-19 10:13:36

Sounds like much ado over nothing. Have holidays separate in future. Oh and how kind of you to bring your DM on holiday with her low income and all hmm only to then get her to make up for it by babysitting. I expect yes she is over it.

bridgetreilly Thu 18-Apr-19 10:14:35

Well, it sounds to me as though you've all been taking your DM for granted and treating her as free childcare/household labour while you all get to enjoy your holidays. And then you come in first fuming that she put your washing in the drier, and the next day fuming that she didn't. Is anyone doing anything to make sure your DM gets an enjoyable holiday at all?

Asgoodasarest Thu 18-Apr-19 10:16:03

I think maybe you’re all over this arrangement. To an outsider it seems like a lot of fuss about nothing, but I know from experience it’s always the little things that are the symptoms of bigger things unsaid.
Maybe take her off for a coffee and have a talk about everything away from all the mayhem of people together.
I assume you’d want to spend time with her regardless of whether there’s childcare on offer? Start here so you set the right tone and just have an honest chat. You’ll feel much better for it.

Holidayshopping Thu 18-Apr-19 10:18:07

Does sound much fun for anyone. I’d go without your mum next time.

Celebelly Thu 18-Apr-19 10:20:34

I stopped reading at tumble drying novice grin What level of proficiency is required to no longer be a novice?

KC225 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:21:18

Sounds like a lot of work for a holiday. How old is your DM?

Didiusfalco Thu 18-Apr-19 10:22:30

I find this weird. Take your mum on holiday by all means but it sounds like you are treating her like an au pair who is obligated to provide afternoon child care. My mum and dad have been on holiday with us as an extra pair of hands when dc were babies and we paid but we didn’t just dump the kids on them for whole afternoons we did stuff together and it was great to have the support. The washing is a bit of a red herring, a minor irritation, so yes I expect your mum has had enough.

Dothehappydance Thu 18-Apr-19 10:22:32

Your DM is probably completely feed up with it yes. It doesn't really sound like a holiday for her at all. Presumably when she agreed you had 2 children and she thought it would be a time limited arrangement but since then you have had a 3rd so she thinks this is it for another few years.

Maybe she doesn't feel like it is much fun.

Dieu Thu 18-Apr-19 10:22:34

Life's too precious and short to read such posts to the end wink Sorry, OP!

MatildaTheCat Thu 18-Apr-19 10:23:09

To what extent do you actually do things with her on the holiday? It does sound as if she’s in a bit of a Cinderella role and fed up with being excluded and, wrong every time she does anything.

Being the non skier on this type of trip isn’t much fun. Maybe she feels too old or just over it. How about taking a morning off and spending time with her alone and have a chat? And just some nice time together?

Claw01 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:23:25

Sounds like you take advantage of your mum.

saoirse31 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:24:06

It's a bit miserable to only take her away for childcare tbh.

Clutterbugsmum Thu 18-Apr-19 10:24:08

AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement I would yes your DM wants a holiday not just doing the 'grime' in a different house.

Perhaps it's time to look after your own children on holiday and give your mum a proper holiday.

TheFairyCaravan Thu 18-Apr-19 10:24:11

If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.

corythatwas Thu 18-Apr-19 10:25:21

I think if I were your DM I would prefer a nice quiet holiday at home. You do seem to expect a lot of work and be extremely quick at taking offence.

Penguincake Thu 18-Apr-19 10:26:02

You don’t sound like you respect your DM very much. You think by paying for her holiday she is now a member of your staff. If my mum looked after my child I would be very grateful and not criticising the amount of activities they did. I certainly would not expect her to do housework.
Why don’t you hire a babysitter and let your mum have a nice holiday? Or do you only take her along as it is convenient for your childcare needs? As your youngest gets older you won’t need your DM anymore so you are looking for a way to stop taking her? I am guessing for people like you, if people cannot be used by you then they are not worth having around. If you were my daughter I would be devastated by how unkind you are.

IncrediblySadToo Thu 18-Apr-19 10:27:13

Frankly, the laundry just sounds like pretty normal parent/child/grandchild house sharing irritation. Your mum sounds a bit PA, but she might be feeling like the skivvy not the granny?!

Your mum is 6 years older and on her 3rd(+) grandchild. Her energy and enthusiasm for sledding and painting are naturally not what they were 6 years ago with GC1 (or whatever). As long as she keeps DD safe while you ski, I wouldn’t worry about what they’re doing/not doing.

As for DD hurting herself while you were there, I think that’s really ‘just one of those things’. You were home, I don’t see why DD was your Mum’s responsibility unless you said ‘I’m just going to do some baking, could you watch DD please’.

You could have taken DD out on her sled instead of baking 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to have an honest chat with your mum before booking any more holidays.

northerngirl2012 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:28:18

Think you just need to get over it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Thu 18-Apr-19 10:29:02

I'm not surprised she's had enough. A snow holiday where you cant do much and then childcare on top. It's not a free holiday for her, it's childcare for you. It sounds like a lot of hard work and no fun for her especially given the criticism she gets.

Theninjawhinger Thu 18-Apr-19 10:31:20

If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.


CaptainJaneway62 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:33:16

In the big scheme of things these are minor niggles regarding the washing/drying. How you have reacted to this issues says more about you than your DM.

As far as your DM is concerned I think your behaviour towards her is typical of entitled adult children who struggle to respect their parents and actually treat them more as hired help/nanny/childcare.

Tbh I am not surprised that your DM is fed up with you. You sound like a bit of control freak. If you want things done YOUR way then do them yourself.

Penguincake Thu 18-Apr-19 10:34:54

If she wasn’t “low income” and could pay for herself would she still be treated like staff or would she be allowed to enjoy the holiday?

Acis Thu 18-Apr-19 10:35:54

Off the point, but why are you doing all this washing, baking etc on holiday? Surely the whole point of holidays is that you give that type of thing a rest unless it's totally unavoidable?

LuvSmallDogs Thu 18-Apr-19 10:36:34

Get an aupair or go to places with a nanny/kids club service and stop treating your own mother like staff. Nice message you’re giving your kids there, that if a family member is worse off you can treat them like this. God Almighty.

thebabessavedme Thu 18-Apr-19 10:36:43

I'm a dgm and frankly your holiday sounds like hell on earth. If I was your mum I would be all over the apres ski and you would be doing your own washing and childcare. HTH

Nesssie Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:44

Why are you doing so much washing on holiday?

But you are making a big deal out of it:
1st incident - not even an incident. So you accidentally washed her stuff twice, she asked why. She then tumble dried some stuff and a couple of items got creased, one top had some details flaking off. I very much doubt she deliberately tried to ruin your clothes.

2nd incident- If you had a go at her for tumble drying the first lot of clothes I'm not surprised she didn't want to touch the second lot. Yes, she could have put them in the basket rather than the floor.

You then badmouthed her to your SIL and she overheard. I'm not surprised she didn't make you tea. Passive aggressive, yes, but she was obviously very upset that you would bitch about her.

Daughter getting hurt- Absolutely ridiculous that you could blame her for this. Accidents happen. She was talking to your son, not ignoring all the children.

Stop treating her like an au pair, treat her like a parent/grandparent.

KnifeAngel Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:45

You are treating your mum terribly. Who on earth takes their mum on holiday to look after their children?

Look after your own children and learn to respect your mum.

Whoops75 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:37:54

Putting a hand on the laundry to check if it’s wet or dry isn’t too much to ask.

Treating her like a babysitter 24/7 instead of defined periods is not ok.

YABU and very unkind

ineedaholidaynow Thu 18-Apr-19 10:38:13

Slightly missing the point, but why are you doing so much laundry on holiday?

flumpybear Thu 18-Apr-19 10:39:06

Sounds like you're assuming you're being nice taking your mum on holiday

In actual fact you can't have the holiday you want unless you bring her along to be your skivvy

You're treating her very badly, I'd be ashamed of you if you were my child

LuvSmallDogs Thu 18-Apr-19 10:40:58

Oh, and stuff getting accidentally fucked in the tumble drier and kids face planting while adults are distracted HAPPENS. Are you never without another adult to blame for your DC’s mishaps, have you never accidentally washed a white with the darks? FFS.

PerfectPenquins Thu 18-Apr-19 10:41:18

Treating your mum to a holiday each year is lovely but only if it's a gift. Expecting her to come along and be child care for you both is pretty shit. Either you want to treat your mum or you don't. It should be no strings attached.

NataliaOsipova Thu 18-Apr-19 10:41:22

I think some of the replies on here are a bit harsh. I know a couple of grandparents who have gone on holiday with their kids specifically to look after the DGC - there’s no obvious reason for resentment if it’s all agreed in advance. Sounds like here the OP’s mum gets a holiday she wouldn’t ordinarily have had and she gets some one on one time with her grandchildren.

From what you say, OP, you’ve hit the nail on the head - there obviously is something that’s pissing her off! Is she the type to talk about it? If so, could you take her out for a drink or a coffee and try to get to the bottom of it?

joaninthesun Thu 18-Apr-19 10:42:08

I think you’re not treating your DM very fairly and are treating her like hired help.

S1naidSucks Thu 18-Apr-19 10:43:31

Jesus, that poor woman. She’s being treated as an au pair by her own children, who act like the bountiful benefactors. Unless there’s a back story and your mum was a crap parent, I can’t believe you make her ‘earn’ her holiday by working for you. I’ve happily sacrificed for my children, but if one suggested that they ‘treated’ me to a holiday but expected me to work for it, I’d tell them to fuck off. Talk about being treated like the poor relative.

I take it you don’t expect her to leave you anything in her will? After all, you haven’t earned it!

IHateUncleJamie Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:16

What “fun” does your DM get to “join in” with? It sounds like my idea of hell, tbh. I think she’s making a point with the washing because you were cross about your DC’s t shirt and seem to be treating her like staff. If there’s something that definitely mustn’t go in the tumble drier then you should wash it and hang it out yourself.

You sound a bit entitled; especially the part about being disappointed that your DM didn’t do baking and art with your DD. It is supposed to be her holiday too and she’s not an au pair. hmm

I think she’s had enough.

faeveren Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:28

YABU for all of the reasons stated above ... and making a drama out of the laundry. And blaming your DM for your DD injury and no I didn't miss the 2 sleepless nights due to small pneumonia so maybe you are tired and grumpy and should apologise?

Notice how it was no big deal when you washed her clothes twice but it was a big deal when she dried yours and a bigger deal when she didn't and left them on the floor hmm

JenniferJareau Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:44

So, because she has a low income, you think it is OK to take her on holiday with you but expecting her to be your skivvy to earn her 'keep'?

livefornaps Thu 18-Apr-19 10:45:45

Lol the op has headed to the hills!

I think some replies here are harsh but maybe you needed a wake-up call.

The fact you felt it necessary to specify that your mum is "low income" says it all

daisypond Thu 18-Apr-19 10:46:15

You’re not treating your DM well. She’s like your servant. I’m not surprised she sounds miffed. Where’s the holiday in this arrangement for her? Mishaps with washing and tumble dryer and communication are just normal events in most people’s lives that they get over.

doodleygirl Thu 18-Apr-19 10:47:09

You treat your low income mum as a member of the skivvy brigade and you think you are being generous. You really dont like your mum do you?

Nanny0gg Thu 18-Apr-19 10:47:17

Life's too precious and short to read such posts to the end wink Sorry, OP!

But not too short for a snipey comment?

OP, how old is your mum now? Is she active enough to take your DC sledging?

And who bakes cakes on holiday??

S1naidSucks Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:17

BTW, she’s probably on low income because she sacrificed a career to fucking raise you, so you could have a better life than she had. I’m sure there’s times she wishes she could turn the clock back. I genuinely feel so sorry for that poor woman.

adaline Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:29

You've treated your mother appallingly.

If I were her, I'd be telling you to fuck off and pay for your own childcare.

MissMooMoo Thu 18-Apr-19 10:48:51

So you complained she put everything in the tumble dryer and then the next time you complained she made no effort to dry your clothing?! Sounds like she can't do anything right.
Doesn't sound like a holiday for her AT ALL!
Yabvu and your mum should have told you to fuck off a long time ago.

girlywhirly Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:08

It sounds as though you should all holiday separately. OK, so you are sharing the cost of DM’s holiday, but maybe after 6 yrs this isn’t actually a holiday for her anymore, just more of the same as at home, only in a different location? Maybe she isn’t coping with the more physical stuff as well as she used to, you don’t say her age but could she not be as well as she used to be?

You are all self catering, which she is now finding hard, and I suspect she would rather not come on holiday at all than have to deal with other peoples laundry and so on. It sounds also that now the DGC are older, she feels like a spare part and probably unappreciated. Perhaps you could kindly ask her if it is too much now to cope with, because I doubt she will raise the issue herself without seeming ungrateful. As an older lady myself, I don’t do self catering any more. Been there, done that, not a holiday.

ukgift2016 Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:21

I think it is horrible how you have treated your own mother. She is not your nanny. Why not be nice and just treat her to a holiday instead of expecting something back from it?

I be ashamed if I was you.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Apr-19 10:49:41

I'd never treat my mum like 'the help'. That's what you've done here.

So she's on a low income and she comes along to be the babysitter.

I don't like it one bit. Its different if she's being brought on holiday and gets to do things in the daytime...then babysits in the evenings when you go out...but it doesn't sound that enjoyable for her.

You're paying her airfare to do a job. Nothing in it for her IMO.

Very sad indeed.

CarolDanvers Thu 18-Apr-19 10:50:55

She sounds passive aggressive and maybe she’s fed up of these fully paid for holidays... Leave her behind next time.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Apr-19 10:52:07

Nice message you’re giving your kids there, that if a family member is worse off you can treat them like this. God Almighty


Treating her like a skivvy.

Cbatothinkofaname Thu 18-Apr-19 10:52:40

It doesn’t sound much fun for any of you. Organise your own holidays, and do less washing is my advice!

Cbatothinkofaname Thu 18-Apr-19 10:53:52

Oh and if you want childcare while on holiday, either book your kids into club type arrangements or hire an au pair. You need to pay for it properly not feel you’re doing a ‘poor relation’ some big favour

AWishForWingsThatWork Thu 18-Apr-19 10:54:46

So your DM raised you, loved you, supported you to the best of her ability, but now she's only good enough for you to take on holidays that she can't afford if she's the childminder?

Not really much of a holiday for her, is it?

I imagine she loves you all and wants to spend time with her family, and you've offered her the role of servant if she wants to spend some holiday time with her ... that's how it comes across. Not nice.

We go on holiday with my DH's parents sometimes, including ski. They're there to spend time with their grandchildren, not babysit them. That's our job.

Elsaor3lse Thu 18-Apr-19 10:56:00

Thanks all, really helpful as I kind of (happily) fell into this arrangement that was set up by DB. Having DM has made it poss for us to holiday in this, and on reflection I don't think we gave her enough attention or expressed our appreciation enough at the start of the Hol. I was pretty absorbed in DD having a fever and cough that turned out to be a small pneumonia.

DM has so far always said she's happy to come along and enjoy the scenery, the spa, the catering, and to get to spend time with her DGC's.

Last year DM did this for 2 of DB's friends kids and had 3 little ones in the mornings, I guess we didn't put too much thought into the structure of the afternoons (other than providing resources).

Def not treated as a skivvy, did not and was not asked to dress children, give them breakfast, apply sun cream, help with bath time, bedtime or dinner time.

DB and family took no time out to spend with DM during the day.
I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad, and DM spent whole time on her phone. Perhaps it is that there's a bigger issue with my relationship with my Mum, as it seems she's been happy to do this for others, but not for me.

It's the same when she comes to visit, she brings my nieces for as sleepover and I have to ask for every bit of help. She's Sixty one.

Def not looking for a way to stop taking her Penguincake, spoke to her ask if she's thought about taking lessons, and suggested that she'd enjoy skiiing at the children's pace - she broke a rib doing to the adult louge run a few years ago.

I was the only person that took DD sledging Incrediblysadtoo, perhaps I need to take that up with DH!

Chickychoccyegg Thu 18-Apr-19 10:58:27

sounds like your dm is definitely over these holidays now, not that it actually sounds like a holiday for her at all, sounds like you all use her for cheap childcare, after all the cost of dms holiday is less than you would pay for other live in childcare, you sound selfish and it sounds like a shit holiday for your dm

TreadingThePrimrosePath Thu 18-Apr-19 11:00:13

It sounds odd to me, and my mum did a lot of childcare for us.
She seems to be a second-class member of her own family. You seem wealthy, entitled and arrogant.
I’d have a talk, heavy on the gratitude for all she’s done, and consider employing a teenager/student/au pair next time.

ukgift2016 Thu 18-Apr-19 11:02:15

DB and family took no time out to spend with DM during the day. I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad, and DM spent whole time on her phone

Sounds like a great time for your mum! Ignored by the adults, how lovely you spent one afternoon with your mother. She is on her phone as shes bored.

Again you make it all about you Perhaps it is that there's a bigger issue with my relationship with my Mum, as it seems she's been happy to do this for others, but not for me.

Get over yourself. How rude and entitled can you be?

Richmond1972 Thu 18-Apr-19 11:04:00

I spent one afternoon with DM to go for a snow walk with her and DD and stayed an hour one afternoon when DD was sad

how lucky your DM & DD are to have you do this

TreadingThePrimrosePath Thu 18-Apr-19 11:05:42

I’m almost the same age as your mother. I’ve found that if people are on their phones a lot, it’s usually because the situation or the company is lacking.

OKBobble Thu 18-Apr-19 11:07:34

As you mum ruined one lot of washing by drying it she didn't want to risk it again. If she left it in the ashing machine it would stink. If there wasn't a basket then a bathroom floor should be clean enough to put wet clothes on. You were being PA in commenting about your washing again!

You take your Mum to be your unpaid skivvy and then complain about her work. Hire a proper maid next time!

Mitzimaybe Thu 18-Apr-19 11:08:27

Why don't you ask your DM, instead of asking random strangers on the internet who don't know your DM or you or anything about your family dynamic?

Am I the only one who thinks this may be a cynical ploy on your part? Perhaps DD will be old enough to ski next year, so you won't need the afternoon childcare, so you can dress it up as "DM is over it" instead of "We don't need you any more, so you can kiss bye bye to your free holidays."

The washing machine incidents are totally pathetic and not worth getting het up over. When she took the boys sledging, not only were they younger, but she was younger too. Maybe she doesn't feel up to sledging these days?

Just speak to your DM about it calmly and listen properly to what she has to say, then make a joint decision about next time.

adaline Thu 18-Apr-19 11:08:48

So you could only be bothered to spend one afternoon with her? No wonder she pretty much ignored you - how utterly rude and entitled.

Elsaor3lse Thu 18-Apr-19 11:09:12

Doing the laundry as heading to stay with MIL nearby afterwards and don't want to arrive with lots of laundry.

Taking the point that could be taking her for granted if she's not enjoying her side of the deal.

Especially as all our judgement could be clouded by DM living with another's of my sisters and providing child are for my DNephew for years and doing to school run for DNephew and DNieces every week. DM has 5 children and the DB and I that DM comes skiiing with don't see her as often.

So she gets time off childcare from one set of DGCs so that she can spend time caring for another set.

Thanks MNers, you have been enlightening.
And now I must stop ignoring my children, and go and play.
Peace and love xxxx

Loopytiles Thu 18-Apr-19 11:11:12

How many hours a day childcare has she been providing, and for how many DC?

ineedaholidaynow Thu 18-Apr-19 11:12:18

Does your DM ever get a proper holiday? It's nice to spend time with family without having to actually care for them

livefornaps Thu 18-Apr-19 11:12:27

Send her somewhere she would actually like to go!!! By herself.

Stop trying to make her ski.

She was on her phone because she was relieved to not have to be watching your daughter the entire time.

It sounds CRAP for everyone but you & your "hubby".

Next time get a teenager to come with you. Stop pretending you are doing your mum a favour.

I would be incredibly hurt by your attitude.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 18-Apr-19 11:13:24

Your poor mom, you speak about her like she's the hired help. You're responsible for your own kids

LaurieMarlow Thu 18-Apr-19 11:13:29

If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.

This. It’s like you read my mind.

adaline Thu 18-Apr-19 11:13:33

Doing the laundry as heading to stay with MIL nearby afterwards and don't want to arrive with lots of laundry.

So it's okay to lumber your mum with the laundry, but not to do it at MIL's?

BlessedFox Thu 18-Apr-19 11:13:35

The more you post, OP, the more you reveal a thoroughly entitled attitude. You seem to lack self awareness and display a great deal of self absorption.

You are using your DM and yet you blame her for apparently resenting you.

Your poor mother sad

livefornaps Thu 18-Apr-19 11:13:49

God reading your last post your mum's life sounds exhausting. And I am half her age. I feel really sad and sorry for her.

TBDO Thu 18-Apr-19 11:16:22

When your DC are older, will you still take DM on holiday? Or will you stop when her usefulnesss for childcare stops?

She might be realising that she’s been doing childcare for 6+ years now and forseeing that you and your DB won’t bother with her when she’s no longer useful to you.

Teddybear45 Thu 18-Apr-19 11:16:37

She’s your mum, not your au pair / skivvy.

whydoineedanickname Thu 18-Apr-19 11:17:15

Why don’t you go on a family holiday where you can all spend time together rather than needing childcare while others are skiing?

LIZS Thu 18-Apr-19 11:17:44

Poor dm. You say you want to spend time with her yet you leave her in the morning and she babysits in afternoon, while presumably you are out skiing. And you want her to do chores. shock

Knittedfairies Thu 18-Apr-19 11:19:07

When does your mum get any fun?

Littlechocola Thu 18-Apr-19 11:21:04

I can’t imagine going on ‘holiday’ where I am the child care. That’s so sad.
Take her away just you and her, spoil her!

TBDO Thu 18-Apr-19 11:22:18

Sounds like DM is thoroughly taken advantage of by all DC.

Do you want to move her in with you so she can do your school runs? I think not - you want to bitch about her doing more for a sibling and not being suitably ecstatic when you redress the balance by getting her to do childcare for your DC.

faeveren Thu 18-Apr-19 11:24:42

You sound as if you resent the childcare that your DM provides for other family members and want more from her.

PerfectPenquins Thu 18-Apr-19 11:25:22

Your DB is also an arse hole treating your mum like that he needs a good shake the entitled twat.

Rockmysocks Thu 18-Apr-19 11:26:40

It's over. Need new arrangements.

huuskymam Thu 18-Apr-19 11:30:30

She get time from childcare for one set, only to be expected to do it for another because she doesn't do it enough for you.

How about you treat her to a holiday where she's not expected to care for anyone unless she wants to.

ChicCroissant Thu 18-Apr-19 11:35:40

I hope this isn't real, the OP sounds very self-absorbed and considers her mother to be merely childcare requiring 'resources' for her afternoon stint after being allowed to 'join the fun' (mornings only). hmm

LannieDuck Thu 18-Apr-19 11:36:06

Maybe there's a good reason for it, but it's odd to me that the men on your holiday aren't mentioned in your post at all. Do DH and DB bugger off all day and leave the washing / childcare to the women?

DB especially should be spending time with his mother on holiday (as should you). Esp if you're both expecting her to do childcare in the afternoons.

WalterIris Thu 18-Apr-19 11:37:29

It sounds like she has been spending virtually all day as free childcare?

Ski resorts don't allow for much fun if you aren't skiing, or using the spas, or going on long snowy walks. Staying at home every day doing arts and crafts sounds boring at hell!

Many people use grandparents to help on ski holidays due to logistics. But its usually just 9am-12pm each morning, when granny takes baby for a walk in pram, or to the hotel pool for a swim, then meets everyone for lunch and do something together as family in the afternoon. If your in an apartment or chalet alone, with no pool, no unlimited restaurants for granny to have coffee whilst baby naps then it isnt a holiday for them.

A toddler or older either needs to be checked into ski school, or at an actual site childcare where they can have fun

HiHoToffee Thu 18-Apr-19 11:39:08

Neither you or your brother come across well here the way you are treating your mum. How long has this 'holiday' arrangement be going on and how many grandchildren are involved?

Time for a change.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead Thu 18-Apr-19 11:39:30

Sp you think this holiday arrangement is fine because it even things up, because she provides childcare for a sibling.

You are all awful to her.

LaurieMarlow Thu 18-Apr-19 11:40:13

I can’t think of a more crap holiday set up frankly.

Being ‘taken’ skiing when you don’t ski, childcare responsibilities, doing that family washing. What’s in it for her?

HiHoToffee Thu 18-Apr-19 11:42:22

Just saw this has been going on for 6 years, a change is long overdue then.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Thu 18-Apr-19 11:43:44

If I were the childminder DM, I'm sure I'd tell you I'd rather stay at home next time.
You don't say how old she is, but even if she's still only middle aged, childcare is often knackering when you're no longer used to it on a daily basis, never mind getting ticked off for not being the perfect laundry maid.
Have you asked her whether she still wants to come, or is it just assumed?

HiHoToffee Thu 18-Apr-19 11:44:32

And if she Would manage to save money to pay for this holiday herself, would she then be free of her duties?

krustykittens Thu 18-Apr-19 11:46:39

You are doing your DM no favours here, it's all one sided. I think you all need to think about how you treat her. I am amazed she has kept her cool for this long, I also would have told you to fuck off ages ago!

CaptainJaneway62 Thu 18-Apr-19 11:48:39

So she gets time off childcare from one set of DGCs so that she can spend time caring for another set.

WTF!....Well that says it all really
Have you actually ever given her an actual holiday or have you always treated her like the unpaid help?

viques Thu 18-Apr-19 11:49:57

I do hope your DM enjoyed her (one) walk . Did you kindly let her take the craft items home with her as she loves crafting so much. Poor woman. What an entitled selfish family she has.

Yabbers Thu 18-Apr-19 11:50:39

Who the hell bales cakes on a ski-ing holiday?

Yabbers Thu 18-Apr-19 11:50:50


longearedbat Thu 18-Apr-19 11:51:10

I am only a few years older than your mother op. I like to go on holiday to relax and enjoy myself. This poor woman sounds like she is the free nanny for the entire family. If I were her I would look forward to my children and their offspring going away on holiday, and out of my hair, so I could have a bit of free time to myself at home!
A holiday is not a holiday if you are expected to work large parts of it.

Holidayshopping Thu 18-Apr-19 11:51:21

So she gets time off childcare from one set of DGCs so that she can spend time caring for another set.

God, poor woman-you are all treating her like your domestic staff.

echt Thu 18-Apr-19 11:52:38

OP, what did your last slave die of?
Your poor mum.

If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago

I thought this before I got to the end of your post.

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