Washing machine holiday drama AIBU? Or does my DM resent us paying for her to come on holiday to 'look after' DC's?(211 Posts)
DM has low income and DB's family and ours have shared the cost of her coming on snow holiday to join the fun and provide childcare in the afternoons. This arrangement has been in place for 6 years, I'm wondering if perhaps she's over it and we should all move on to another arrangement?
Washing machine drama is an indicator of tensions....
Washing machine incident 1: DSIL says she will leave some bits of laundry in machine so I can add to mine and put on to wash. Busy morning getting kids out for activities and DD to doctors for what was diognosed as a 'small pneumonia' (2 sleepless nights) before leaving I shoved washing in machine on top of some clothes, set to wash. At lunch DM asks if I know what is in machine as it turns out I was her things in there and DSIL did not leave her things in there after all (she's not usually flakey and would expect she'd do this if said she would), it was DM's swimming things, so they got washed again. I thought this a minor drama, but didn't feel it was my fault, or oversight, as who would expect me to check dirty laundry in a machine? (Aibu#1?). DSIL didn't do what she said she would do, and no harm came to DM's clothing or towel, she didn't want to swim that eve, minor inconvenience in having to re-dry.
Arrive home later and discover DM has 'helpfully' put entire load to tumble dry, including clothes that were creased beyond ironing rescue, and a movie t-shirt of DS's that had silver details on it before being roasted in the tumble dryer. DM made comment that her Son-IL (my DS's DH), has badly tumble dried her things in the past and it's ruined her clothes. She's not a novice tumble drier ffs. I was so cross and tired I couldn't speak and just got on with resolving issue. Apologised later to DM for being so cross and she said she hadn't realised I was cross!
Washing incident number 2: Cpl of days later I put another load on in the morning, met DM for afternoon and arrive home together early eve, Mum offers to make a cup of tea. Find my wet laundry in pile on bathroom floor by the washing machine and DM's swimming towels drying nicely. Ask if she know what's happened and she says she was drying her towels and didn't know how I wanted my laundry drying. AIBU to think that leaving another persons wet laundry on the floor is bad practice? /rude? I suggested she shouldn't have left it in the floor as the floor is dirty, she said I was making a fuss.
Drama arises as DSIL comes into bathroom as I'm sorting wet laundry and I tell her what happened and comment "I can have it one way or the other but not they way I'd actually like it"
I didn't know at the time that there was an air vent in the bathroom between the kitchen (DM making tea) and the bathroom (where I said the above to DSIL), my tone was def jovial, rather that cross. When I return to the kitchen/dining area, DSIL offers me cup of tea, DM has left one on the table and I ask, "Oh I think DM made one for me, is this it Mum?" She replies " Oh I didn't make one for you as I'd only get it wrong" ... since DD had milk allergy I have taken almond milk in tea whilst BFing.
AIBU to think my DM doesn't actually want to help me?
I then tidied kitchen and baked cake whilst DM sat talking to my DS, ignoring all 3 children, DD falls and smashes face on chair, my Mum guilt ensues, as if I wanted help looking after children I should have asked specifically for this.
AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement? DM didn't do much with DD in the afternoons, only mentioning that she'd put movies on for her and didn't bake with her, or touch the art stuff I brought ( which DD loves, and DM professes to love). Older 2 kids now ski in the afternoons, so just DD for Grandma care in the afternoons. I remember DM taking the boys out sledging in the afternoons when they were younger. Perhaps that's the issue I should talk to her about and the washing drama was an expression of the tensions?
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!
Sounds like much ado over nothing. Have holidays separate in future. Oh and how kind of you to bring your DM on holiday with her low income and all only to then get her to make up for it by babysitting. I expect yes she is over it.
Well, it sounds to me as though you've all been taking your DM for granted and treating her as free childcare/household labour while you all get to enjoy your holidays. And then you come in first fuming that she put your washing in the drier, and the next day fuming that she didn't. Is anyone doing anything to make sure your DM gets an enjoyable holiday at all?
I think maybe you’re all over this arrangement. To an outsider it seems like a lot of fuss about nothing, but I know from experience it’s always the little things that are the symptoms of bigger things unsaid.
Maybe take her off for a coffee and have a talk about everything away from all the mayhem of people together.
I assume you’d want to spend time with her regardless of whether there’s childcare on offer? Start here so you set the right tone and just have an honest chat. You’ll feel much better for it.
Does sound much fun for anyone. I’d go without your mum next time.
I stopped reading at tumble drying novice What level of proficiency is required to no longer be a novice?
Sounds like a lot of work for a holiday. How old is your DM?
I find this weird. Take your mum on holiday by all means but it sounds like you are treating her like an au pair who is obligated to provide afternoon child care. My mum and dad have been on holiday with us as an extra pair of hands when dc were babies and we paid but we didn’t just dump the kids on them for whole afternoons we did stuff together and it was great to have the support. The washing is a bit of a red herring, a minor irritation, so yes I expect your mum has had enough.
Your DM is probably completely feed up with it yes. It doesn't really sound like a holiday for her at all. Presumably when she agreed you had 2 children and she thought it would be a time limited arrangement but since then you have had a 3rd so she thinks this is it for another few years.
Maybe she doesn't feel like it is much fun.
Life's too precious and short to read such posts to the end Sorry, OP!
To what extent do you actually do things with her on the holiday? It does sound as if she’s in a bit of a Cinderella role and fed up with being excluded and, wrong every time she does anything.
Being the non skier on this type of trip isn’t much fun. Maybe she feels too old or just over it. How about taking a morning off and spending time with her alone and have a chat? And just some nice time together?
It's a bit miserable to only take her away for childcare tbh.
AIBU to think DM is over this arrangement I would yes your DM wants a holiday not just doing the 'grime' in a different house.
Perhaps it's time to look after your own children on holiday and give your mum a proper holiday.
If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.
I think if I were your DM I would prefer a nice quiet holiday at home. You do seem to expect a lot of work and be extremely quick at taking offence.
You don’t sound like you respect your DM very much. You think by paying for her holiday she is now a member of your staff. If my mum looked after my child I would be very grateful and not criticising the amount of activities they did. I certainly would not expect her to do housework.
Why don’t you hire a babysitter and let your mum have a nice holiday? Or do you only take her along as it is convenient for your childcare needs? As your youngest gets older you won’t need your DM anymore so you are looking for a way to stop taking her? I am guessing for people like you, if people cannot be used by you then they are not worth having around. If you were my daughter I would be devastated by how unkind you are.
Frankly, the laundry just sounds like pretty normal parent/child/grandchild house sharing irritation. Your mum sounds a bit PA, but she might be feeling like the skivvy not the granny?!
Your mum is 6 years older and on her 3rd(+) grandchild. Her energy and enthusiasm for sledding and painting are naturally not what they were 6 years ago with GC1 (or whatever). As long as she keeps DD safe while you ski, I wouldn’t worry about what they’re doing/not doing.
As for DD hurting herself while you were there, I think that’s really ‘just one of those things’. You were home, I don’t see why DD was your Mum’s responsibility unless you said ‘I’m just going to do some baking, could you watch DD please’.
You could have taken DD out on her sled instead of baking 🤷🏻♀️
You need to have an honest chat with your mum before booking any more holidays.
I'm not surprised she's had enough. A snow holiday where you cant do much and then childcare on top. It's not a free holiday for her, it's childcare for you. It sounds like a lot of hard work and no fun for her especially given the criticism she gets.
If I was your mum I'd have told you to fuck off ages ago.
In the big scheme of things these are minor niggles regarding the washing/drying. How you have reacted to this issues says more about you than your DM.
As far as your DM is concerned I think your behaviour towards her is typical of entitled adult children who struggle to respect their parents and actually treat them more as hired help/nanny/childcare.
Tbh I am not surprised that your DM is fed up with you. You sound like a bit of control freak. If you want things done YOUR way then do them yourself.
If she wasn’t “low income” and could pay for herself would she still be treated like staff or would she be allowed to enjoy the holiday?
Off the point, but why are you doing all this washing, baking etc on holiday? Surely the whole point of holidays is that you give that type of thing a rest unless it's totally unavoidable?
Get an aupair or go to places with a nanny/kids club service and stop treating your own mother like staff. Nice message you’re giving your kids there, that if a family member is worse off you can treat them like this. God Almighty.
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