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To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

(248 Posts)
Emma090 Thu 18-Apr-19 07:00:09

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

noodlenosefraggle Sun 21-Apr-19 18:41:03

Exactly. I love my birthday. But I spend it with DH and my children. I did spend it with my parents last year as it was the day before my grandmother funeral and I was staying with them as I live too far away. It felt odd being a grown woman spending my birthday at a restaurant with my parents for the first time in probably 20 years! My DM is very possessive but even she doesn't expect us to come home for our birthdays!

ineedaholidaynow Sat 20-Apr-19 23:55:18

DH lives 5 hours away from his DM, not quite sure how he could meet up with his mum for his birthday on a work night. Are all the PP saying they would be hurt if they didn’t see their DC on their birthday dictate to them that they can’t move away from their home town to ensure they can see them on their birthday?

Also for those who see their DC with their respective partners, do they ever think that the partners might want to take their other half out for a meal on their birthday but can’t because their MIL won’t let them? I sometimes think many people on here with married DC forget that they are a MIL whether their married DC is a son or a daughter.

Oakenbeach Sat 20-Apr-19 16:51:31

I'm guessing you have no kids as yet? I'd be gutted if mine didn't want to see me on their birthday.

Most people who have commented who have older kids have said it doesn’t really bother them though... mine are still children but I really don’t get the fuss about adult birthdays.

Catinthetwat Sat 20-Apr-19 15:45:14

He should do what he wants on his birthday.

He obviously didn't mean to upset his mother and hadn't expected to. He should apologize for having upset her and explain that of course he hadn't meant to. You'd be surprised how far this will go. I'm sure she'll then understand his choice and need for an early night.

If after all of that she doesn't understand and continues to want her own needs to come before his then you may have some bigger problems ahead of you.

EllenMP Sat 20-Apr-19 15:36:16

I can’t imagine why his mother thinks he should have to travel an hour each way to her on his birthday in the middle of the week. His parents can make the journey if the day is so important to them, or wait til the weekend like sensible people.

Motoko Sat 20-Apr-19 10:04:27

You both maybe should have asked his parents if they had any plans for his birthday.

It's HIS fucking birthday! They should have asked HIM if HE had any plans! He's not a child any more, where they organise what he does on his birthday, and hasn't been for a long time.

Anyway people, RTFT, he's now going to be working. And what all the newcomers who only read the first post, are suggesting, has already been addressed.

TriciaH87 Sat 20-Apr-19 08:43:47

So they live an hour away. Why not say we can't cancel on mine as they are also helping us with accommodation at the moment. How about we find a place in the middle to all go together? That way your with both no ones upset and its a fairer distance than you having to go to them

Hazlenutpie Sat 20-Apr-19 08:33:44

Now that I’m the mother of a son I can see his mum’s point of view. We moan about our mils but I’ve day we will be that mil. And even though your child will be an adult, I’d hate to feel pushed out. It probably sounds petty but I get how she feels*

You have to relax and move on when your sons are adults. It’s no use feeling pushed out. When adult sons marry and have children everything changes. Their priorities are their wife and children. They also have to consider their in-laws.

It’s ironic that MILs get so much stick on Mumsnet, yet so many on here are bleating on about wanting to see adult children on their birthday. You can’t have it both ways!

As our children grow into adults we need to build new lives that don’t revolve around our children. We have done our very best raising them, now we must sit back and allow them to live their own lives.

NiceViper Sat 20-Apr-19 07:50:04

I think the main mental gymnastics on this thread are those whose ch are making MIL's fault, when it says right up there in the opening post that DH was rude. I'd be upset to get a response like that, if all I had done was make an invitation.

But it's easier to blame the MIL, isn't it? Not the DH whose lack of even basic manners kicked all this off.

ItsJustASimpleLine Sat 20-Apr-19 07:13:04

My MIL is like this but hasn't seen DH on his birthday for awhile as until recently lived too far away. She struggled to adapt when DH moved away from home for uni and it caused friction but shes just about adapted.

However, you may want to agree with DH re grandkids birthdays now as they may want to see them on the day too. This has been a bit of a bone of contention with us. My daughters birthday is a Bank Holiday so she insists on seeing her as she knows were off, even if she saw her less then 12 hours before at her party! My nieces' birthday is close to Christmas and as people are generally off then in our family she insists on seeing her. My son turned 1 this year so we all went for a family meal mine and ILs. (I have a big loud family and she complained later she had no one on one time with DS, I barely had any 1 on 1 time either that day but hey). Next year it will be mid week, we work and DD will be at school so we'll have a nice family tea at home on the day and a party on the weekend. We've mentioned it but shes already said 'we'll see when we can come over closer to the time!'.

I get on ok with IL but birthdays and special occasions are difficult to balance. My family and DH and I are of the opinion that celebrating is important when we can it doesn't have to be the day, IL at of the opinion it must be the day and all else stops. Even after 12 years of managing expectations we still cause an upset now and then.

NabooThatsWho Sat 20-Apr-19 06:45:28

I'm guessing you have no kids as yet? I'd be gutted if mine didn't want to see me on their birthday.

It’s not about you though! Other people can decide what they want to do on THEIR OWN birthday. Just because you gave birth to someone doesn’t mean you have rights over them on their birthday and you shouldn’t guilt trip them into seeing you.

mrshousty Sat 20-Apr-19 06:43:40

Also mums of boys can be a*h*l*s trust me... I know...I'm going to be one when ds is bringing home girls 🙈🤣 or boys 💝

mrshousty Sat 20-Apr-19 06:39:15

I think this may have something more to do with cancellation of plans and letting your parents down more than his age. You both maybe should have asked his parents if they had any plans for his birthday.

Personally I'm not far off 40 and insist on seeing my mum, I'd love to see my dad but he's a lorry driver and not always home, I've only not seen my mum in 2017 when I was abroad for in law wedding and this year as my sis is taking her and my dad on a holiday, but she asked me first If it was ok.

I'm guessing you have no kids as yet? I'd be gutted if mine didn't want to see me on their birthday.

Also...do you see your mum on your birthday?

myrtleWilson Fri 19-Apr-19 22:24:26

Crikey, what a thread full of projections galore. Am still smiling at gazing into my adult child's eyes on their birthday remembering how they were "surprisingly knowing" at birth.. hmm

SherryBomb Fri 19-Apr-19 21:58:35

Amazing to see the mental gymnastics used to have a go at his PIL, who he lives with, for the sin of asking 'do you fancy to go to the pub?' whilst defending the parents who were demanding that he make a 2-hour round trip to see them (being unwilling to travel themselves), after finishing work late, and having a tantrum and giving lectures when he refuses.

Booyahkasha Fri 19-Apr-19 20:37:51

I don't see either of them and spend my birthday with DH and friends! It is my choice and everyone accepts that!

fatimashortbread Fri 19-Apr-19 20:12:43

I would not expect to see adult kids on their birthdays at all - in terms of giving birth to them I do expect champagne on their birthdays which I get whether they are there or not smilewine

Motoko Fri 19-Apr-19 19:20:24

Could all the grandparents come to the same dinner on the same day?

His parents can't be arsed to travel to his area.

What's different about you thinking he should spend his birthday with your parents?

You're making shit up. OP never said she expects him to spend his birthday with her parents, it's simply a matter of logistics. The only reason for him to spend his birthday with her parents, is because that's where he lives, and it saves him from having a long drive after a long day at work, then not get to eat until late, and then drive all the way back again.
It is not reasonable to expect him to do that. Especially on HIS birthday.

nuxe1984 Fri 19-Apr-19 18:45:19

I have 2 adult children and yes, it's nice to see them on their birthdays but I recognise that they have their own lives, their own partners and may have other plans. Doesn't bother me as I know I'll celebrate with them at some point!

I would either stick to you original plans - explaining to fil (again) that you won't have the time to celebrate on his birthday and will have to cut any visit short as it's a work night, long drive, etc. and that you're both looking forward to celebrating at the weekend.
Or … don't celebrate with any of the parents but go out with just the 2 of you!
The latter may appease the mil more as she obviously feels that she's missing out on "her" son's birthday cos he's celebrating it with your parents.

A word of warning though. When you do finally move, make sure you set the ground rules early on. Otherwise you're going to have these sort of issues every year … for any sort of celebration or event!

Butterymuffin Fri 19-Apr-19 18:33:32

Parents still want to see their children on their birthdays, even when all grown up

So then they can drive over to where he is, can't they? I would drive two hours to have a birthday dinner with my DC in this situation. I wouldn't be insisting they came to me!

Xenia Fri 19-Apr-19 18:26:19

What a shame as all the people sound good people. Could all the grandparents come to the same dinner on the same day?

We certainliy don't bother with this kind of thing but everyone is different and my adult children still come on a family holiday abroad which is lovely but entirely their choice (I pay).

DeeCeeCherry Fri 19-Apr-19 18:19:37

What's different about you thinking he should spend his birthday with your parents? What would happen if he'd changed his mind anyway, despite what his parents said?

Sounds if you are all possessive, in his shoes I might be tempted to have a nice calm relaxing day/evening out and leave people fussing 'me me me spend it with me', to it.

If he now wants to spend his birthday with his own parents due to them being upset or whatever then leave him to it. Unless this is about winning in some way.

What a fuss...I couldn't bear it I'd be off somewhere else

NiceViper Fri 19-Apr-19 18:11:50

How on earth did he manage to upset his parents so thoroughly over something that ought to be easy to sort?

Is he difficult to deal with at other times? "not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh" does sound like a euphemism for 'he was fucking rude and it scares me, but if I can make it someone else's fault I don't have to examine that possibility'

user1493391099 Fri 19-Apr-19 18:06:41

Now that I’m the mother of a son I can see his mum’s point of view. We moan about our mils but I’ve day we will be that mil. And even though your child will be an adult, I’d hate to feel pushed out. It probably sounds petty but I get how she feels.

Hazlenutpie Fri 19-Apr-19 08:19:48

How would I feel? I honestly wouldn’t give a shit! These are adults we are talking about, not small children. As we grow older birthdays become less important. Most people are at work on their birthday. Many have moved on and are at university or have jobs in different parts of the country. Spending time with mummy and daddy is not on most adults’ agenda. They probably prefer a quiet night out with their spouse or friends of their own age.

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