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FIL visiting unannounced

(61 Posts)
LLOE7 Tue 16-Apr-19 09:47:31

It was my grandads funeral yesterday and a very long day- had to travel two hours each way with a 6m old who hates being in the car so screamed most of the time, and funerals are obviously extremely hard and emotional. I got home at 6pm. 7.30pm my dh was about to take ds 3yrs up to bed when suddenly fil stops his car outside. I was sat in just a tiny nightie and knickers so rushed into the kitchen to put some trousers on, then went back into the lounge to get the baby and change her. My frustration at him turning up without us knowing he was coming and while I was so emotional- the house was also a mess etc, really pissed me off and I didn't say a word to him for a few minutes, just sorted out the baby. I then snapped out of it and chatted, he mentioned the funeral so he had known it was that day. He stayed playing with ds until 9pm so when he left we were all tired and ds was worked up so found it hard to go to sleep. The reason he came over was to bring dh birthday card over- his birthday was last Tuesday but he had forgotten.
I would like to politely ask him not to come round unannounced but dh thinks I'm just over reacting because of the circumstances yesterday. WIBU to ask for some notice?

Nicknacky Tue 16-Apr-19 09:50:07

Unless it was a regular occurrence then I wouldn’t say anything.

But then my dad pops over and I like that. He’s my dad and is welcome anytime and can take us like he finds us, he has no expectations.

NoSauce Tue 16-Apr-19 09:51:18

Is it a regular thing OP?

AnnaMagnani Tue 16-Apr-19 09:51:54

No, not unreasonable at all.

Also it would not have been unreasonable to say 'Now is not a good time FIL, we're all upset/tired after Grandad's funeral. Did you have a particular reason for the visit? Oh the card - Thanks. See you another time' and never let him over the doorstep.

NoSauce Tue 16-Apr-19 09:53:51

Only someone very rude would behave like that AnnaMagnani, in fact I don’t believe anyone would actually do that in RL, easy to say to a stranger on the internet to do it though.

Ithinkmycatisevil Tue 16-Apr-19 09:54:36

My in laws are forever turning up unannounced. It's just one of their annoying little quirks. I feel your pain OP.

sockatoe Tue 16-Apr-19 09:56:37

There's nothing wrong with putting your son to bed while there's a guest there - it's bedtime, say nighty night to grandad. Followed by " I'm sorry, I'm all eating out, it's been a tough day" then off you trot too. He's family. Don't stand on ceremony, it's ok and it's not rude, especially after a day like that.
Sorry for your loss

sockatoe Tue 16-Apr-19 09:57:09

I'm all wrung out, not eating.

CripsSandwiches Tue 16-Apr-19 09:57:35

I think this is just something that varies from family to family. Lots of families have an open door policy with family. They're always welcome and it doesn't matter if its messy or you're eating dinner - just pull up a chair. IN other families you always plan and come when expected. Neither is right or wrong just different.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 16-Apr-19 10:00:45

He's family. You do not book apointments to see family. Sorry but yes your DH is right, you are over reacting. It is your DHs house too. You dont get to dictate all the rules to the exclusion of everyone else. No harm was done by Fil - who incidentally wanted to see his son, not you.

81Byerley Tue 16-Apr-19 10:01:32

I think you are over reacting . When my kids were young my parents and in-laws lived too far away to just pop in. I'd have loved it if they had. Make the most of your parents and in is short.

phoenixrosehere Tue 16-Apr-19 10:04:47

Not at all. I think you are being totally reasonable. Many people aren’t comfortable with people just showing up unannounced especially after a difficult time. It isn’t hard to phone or text to see if someone is home.

My dad did this when I was growing up and it drove me crazy. I would be looking forward to visiting someone and there would be nobody in when we got there and I’d be disappointed. On the flip side, I would hate missing someone who wanted to see us because they didn’t call beforehand or I didn’t have time for them and would have to rush them out.

AnnaMagnani Tue 16-Apr-19 10:06:52

You might not book appointments to see family - but does that mean that the FIL that turns up gets the red carpet rolled out for him, kids' bed times ignored, wife, has to run round cleaning up even though she is shattered and grieving?

You can't have it both ways. If you are going for 'you don't book appointments to see family' then FIL needs to appreciate that he fits in, kids might be in bed when he turns up, he might turn up at a bad time, he might have to do the washing up or see the house in a mess - or just turn around and go because no-one can cope with his visit.

GPatz Tue 16-Apr-19 10:08:00

My PIL live 10 minutes away and they have the manners to first call and check before popping over.

Nicknacky Tue 16-Apr-19 10:08:07

Was he expecting a red carpet laid for him? Or did he just want a chat with his son?

Slippingcareer Tue 16-Apr-19 10:08:43

I hate unannounced visitors. When my baby was 3.5 months and I was having a really tough day with him my in-laws turned up unannounced. They live a 1.5hr drive away, I was fuming that they didn’t text me as they were leaving to check if it suited.

As it was a once off I didn’t say anything, but that’s because I’m a wimp! I feel your pain!

LadyRannaldini Tue 16-Apr-19 10:11:15

My in laws are forever turning up unannounced

Do your family turn up 'unannounced'? The rules always seem to be different for 'her' family and the 'in-laws'. How much notice does your husband need from his parents before they can visit?

NoSauce Tue 16-Apr-19 10:12:42

The OP didn’t say she ran around cleaning up so stop making things up!

Given it was the day of her GDs funeral I’m sure her FIL would have understood if she’d gone up to bed shortly after he’d arrived, taking DS with her.

Unless this is a weekly occurrence I’d let it slide, if it’s not ask him to ring/text beforehand.

LLOE7 Tue 16-Apr-19 10:22:20

Thank you for replies- I probably am over reacting, in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal and I know that, I think I am just very emotional at the moment which is making things seem a lot worse than they are. Me and my grandad were very close.

He's the only one who ever comes by without checking first, including my side. It's not a 'regular' occurrence as we only see him every now and again as it's a strained relationship- we are nc with his wife (not mil) and visits used to always be planned through her messaging me so since nc fil turns up with no or very little notice.

HennyPennyHorror Tue 16-Apr-19 10:24:20

I remember feeling like this when my FIL or MIL would call unannounced but it was when my baby was very is yours. I think it's something to do with that...when mine got older I didn't care.

Remember that your children will have very precious memories of their will get better.

Missingstreetlife Tue 16-Apr-19 10:37:19

You don't have to let him in or answer the door. You can say it's not convenient, please text first, or you can just make yourself scarce, carry on with what you are doing. You don't have to drop everything cos he turned up. Let dp deal with him. But if you really don't like it tell him and invite him on a day when it is convenient.

RomanyQueen1 Tue 16-Apr-19 10:39:46

You have to call in advance if you want to visit us. It's been like that from day one and everyone soon got used to it.
My dh is quite a private man and we also run a business from home.
I think living away from family for many years also meant they were never going to just pop in.

Nicknacky Tue 16-Apr-19 10:42:06

missing And if her H is happy to see his dad and doesn’t mind him popping round? Why should he not see his dad in his own home?

Grenoble124 Tue 16-Apr-19 10:47:13

Have the same issue with my mil since we moved nearby. Calling unnanounced every day. Recently called with others in tow. I am pregnant and was unwell with a messy house so said I wasn't up for a visit then followed up with a text asking to just check it suits in future.

I did cause offence but I just couldn't take it anymore. Used to let herself in and look in window but nipped that in the bud. Very welcome any time but surely a quick text or call is not a big deal.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Tue 16-Apr-19 10:54:49

LLOE7 flowers so sorry for your loss.
I don't think you were over reacting. At all. And you don't have to apologise for how you feel on the day you bury a close relative.
You were tired and emotionally wrung out and just wanted peace, quiet and privacy. It would be different if he had asked and given you the option.
Maybe he thought he was helping, and was trying to be kind, he probably did.
But it was thoughtless to gee your DS up and disrupt bedtime when you clearly wanted some quiet. It is hard to speak up for yourself when you are overweighed with emotions and your DH should have been more helpful and spoken for you and not let the visit drag on and on.
I think you are well within your rights to ask FIL politely not to come over unannounced. You will shortly be dealing with school nights and you can't have people turning up and delaying bedtimes and routines.
I do hope you get a chance to relax and have some quiet time for yourself in the next few days. Best of luck x

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