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AIBU to want to call the police on DS 17?

(73 Posts)
Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 21:38:40

Takes cards from wallets, steal clothes from siblings (his younger brother hasn't seen his Armani jeans since he got them on xmas day), he's about to lose his job, keeps getting caught with weed, has been searched twice by police....
He ruefully admits it, if he's warned that other siblings will all be punished too... he has, oddly enough, high levels of loyalty in certain areas, maybe not toward older family. Massive loyalty to his friends, has admitted they are a bad influence on him, but he will not consider dropping them for a minute. I suspect he's anti-adult, which makes it easier for him to charm and con them. He could have done well in exams, but skived off to spend time with his friends who weren't up to the level of exams. He lost his mum in 2013 sad
Sporadic counselling, he says it helps, but he knows the right things to say, the right buttons to press.
He tells a good tale, and can wrap anyone around his finger. All other parents think he is an angel. All money in house now locked in master bedroom, but he is so on the ball, you only have to turn your back for a second. Actually pulled a brand new hoodie off his little brother's back to wear out. The xmas jeans have holes in, and 5 pairs of white socks that his little bro got for xmas, have not been seen since. Plus many other examples, ie, little bro travelled 40 miles to a big shopping mall, but some items snatched that evening.
Failing at his job, about to be sacked, all pocket money stopped in an attempt to get him to take work seriously. I'm concerned that his GP give him pocket money, clothes money, haircut money, but feel it would be unfair to ask them to stop. He visits them and they love it, and he comes away with money. I found 3 bags of weed in a nice clutch bag - with scales and tools to shred it.
Today, realised he took a debit card 10 days ago, has clocked up nearly £500, as he guessed that the pin was same as phone unlock number

Purpletigers Mon 15-Apr-19 21:45:21

Let him go and live with his friends for a while . Losing his mother is not a good enough excuse for being a complete waster and dealing drugs . What sanctions have you put in place over the years that he thinks he can walk all over you now ?

Purpletigers Mon 15-Apr-19 21:47:24

He needs a parent . Time to step up or let him step out . No way would I let a teenager treat me like that . I’d call the police about the theft of the debit card .

Cherrysoup Mon 15-Apr-19 21:47:30

I'm afraid I'd be reporting him. He sounds horrible, taking his little brothers' stuff and clearly couldn't care less. Zero conscience. Is that sociopathic? When is he 18 so you can kick him out? Would GPS take him, tho, because he sounds like he'd do a total number on them😢

BadPennyNoBiscuit Mon 15-Apr-19 21:51:05

If you do, warn his grandparents that if they stop funding him he'll steal from them. And they need to stop funding him as its enabling him.

Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 21:51:08

@purpletigers he needs a call the police on him?

BadPennyNoBiscuit Mon 15-Apr-19 21:51:50

What are your other options at this point?

Gingerkittykat Mon 15-Apr-19 22:02:23

Yes, I would report him to the police. £500 is a serious amount of money, and three bags of drugs is also a worry.

I would also be looking at him moving out.

As the GP to stop giving him money, they can give him stuff he needs instead.

What is he spending all this money on? Is it drugs?

Scott72 Mon 15-Apr-19 22:05:21

Sociopathic? Narcissistic certainly. I'd say there's no need to call the police yourself, sooner or later he's going to get in trouble with them all by himself.

Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 22:09:18

Not sure what options...if he gets sacked, he's unemployable, especially having dropped out of sixth form when doing his retakes. We want him to work, but worry what he would do with his wages! He dearly wants to go abroad with friends for a dance festival, but we're worried how he'll pay for the flight...
Would love him to move out - but to where? Don't want that to be the start of the slipperiest of slopes.
We've stopped his pocket money (obviously with little effect, with the debit card theft), and lock him out of his room if he wakes us up because he's late home. Impossible to ground a 17yr old.

safariboot Mon 15-Apr-19 22:20:56

This is not just a little petty theft. That's a serious pattern of criminality, extending to fraud and you've reasonable suspicion of drug dealing.

YWNBU to get the police involved. Or to kick him out soon to be honest. It's not normal to be living in fear of a thief in your own home.

SirGawain Mon 15-Apr-19 22:28:47

Massive loyalty to his friends, has admitted they are a bad influence on him, but he will not consider dropping them for a minute.
That's not loyalty it's blatant stupidity.
He needs to be brought up short now. An encounter with the police now will hopefully save him from a lifetime of crime and prision.

Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 22:41:33

or be the start of it?

KeepHimJolene Mon 15-Apr-19 22:57:52

YABU. He sounds like he is dealing with unresolved grief and loss and is therefore vulnerable to outside influences. Assuming he was living with his mother or had a good relationship with her there will be a primary attachment there which he is mourning and has not managed to make that attachment with anyone else. There are so many poor outcomes associated with losing a parent before age 18 and an evidence-based increase in the likelihood of substance abuse, criminal behaviour and underachievement at school all leading to lower chances of employment. He needs help not kicking out OP

Bookworm4 Mon 15-Apr-19 23:03:01

He has a job and you give him pocket miney? Why?
You threaten to punish his siblings? Why?
You're worried how he'll pay for flights? Why worry, if he hasn't the £ he doesn't go!
Change all passwords, card numbers etc
Give him 28 days to sort himself out, charge him dig money and put boundaries in, you're letting him away with all his crap and actually facilitating it.

Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 23:11:00

it's not a big earning job, we still pay for his food, for example.
When something goes missing, we used to ask everyone if they knew where it was, and if no-one spoke up, they'd run the risk of all being grounded. He would then speak up.

Nickpan Mon 15-Apr-19 23:11:42

we worried that he will STEAL to pay for his flights!

Bookworm4 Mon 15-Apr-19 23:13:33

If there's nothing in your house for him to steal and he tries it elsewhere he will have to deal with the police.
If his job is low paying well he will need to live within his means, do not subsidise his bad habits, honestly he's taking you for a mug and knows he can.

ShawshanksRedemption Mon 15-Apr-19 23:14:55

Whilst I agree with @KeepHimJolene I would also suggest this must have been happening for some time. What is his and your relationship like? Will he listen to you if you tell him the path he is on could just lead to even more problems? That what he doing is not acceptable, but he also needs to know that you still love him, you just don't like his choices because of where it could lead.

Would he listen to the Police if not you?

Nickpan Tue 16-Apr-19 00:04:17

" Will he listen to you if you tell him the path he is on could just lead to even more problems? "
you must think I've mentioned to him that what he's doing isn't right? And he's a great listener, and he'll make promises, and he'll cry, and then he'll carry on doing what he wants.

Nickpan Tue 16-Apr-19 00:06:08

I worry about how far the police will go. I want the best for him, but if I make a phone that is the first step towards a criminal record...
I'd love a copper to turn up and read him the riot act, and show him the error of his ways. And he'll listen, and he'll make promises, and he'll cry...

Nickpan Tue 16-Apr-19 00:10:38

I've thought of (pretty much)everything, I'm approaching my wits end. He goes to the occasional grief counselling, as has the whole family.
He's very popular with his peer group, but he's stuck in this bad boy role.

Anothernew1 Tue 16-Apr-19 00:13:08

He deserves a criminal record though, in the village I live in we have a gang of teenagers getting up to all sorts of antisocial behaviour. Everyone is sick of it and sick of the parents for standing by letting it happen. That's what you are doing by not reporting him and making him face the consequences of his actions. Your enabling his bad behaviour

SusieQ5604 Tue 16-Apr-19 00:18:16

Call police and let him face the consequences. Kick him out and let him face the consequences. The way you are handling it, he HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INCENTIVE TO BE A GOOD CITIZEN!!! And every incentive to continue stealing from and freeloading on his family. Ugh. Why have you put up with it this long? ALSO you and he are setting a HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR younger siblings!!!!

JuniperBeer Tue 16-Apr-19 00:21:26

Change all your debit cards. Change your pins.
Sit him down. Explain once that you won’t have any more theft in the house. If he does it, you’ll call the police and ask him to leave.

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