DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

[Whitechocandraspberry]

He actually asks you if he can go for a cycle? This has to be a joke

[TheSheepofWallSt]

He’s being an inconsiderate knob with no self-control (ie his wants must be fulfilled immediately), therefore your requests for consideration are being read as an attempt to impose control and order.

How utterly exhausting for you!

[Bigearringsbigsmile]

As you said he's putting you in a really shit position!
Have you said this to him?

[HBStowe]

He’s being a prick. Why does he get to avoid all the cooking and cleanup because he fancies a cycle? He should be cycling when the necessary jobs are done if there’s time - not while those jobs are being done by you.

[Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump]

Say ‘yes that’s fine but could you do the dishes before you go and take the kids out for an hour when you get back’?

[chestylarue52]

Why are you doing cleaning and laundry on holiday? And why isn't he cooking anything?

What happens if you say 'your turn to cook and wash up today, love'?

Is he a dick or are you a martyr?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

I don’t want him to ask me! I feel like it’s a loaded question and a manipulation tactic so that any answer I give has a bad outcome for me. Either I get stuck doing all the cooking and sorting kids on my own. Or I say ‘no’ and he gets the hump. If I say ‘do what you want’ he usually goes, but by then we’re both pissed off anyway. Because he wants to do it with impunity and I’m annoyed at being left with no help.

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

[Lowena]

I don't think you are being at all controlling no and HIBU. If he really doesn't get it, then maybe next time he asks say yes of course and that in turn you would like to go for a swim/spa/see a friend for a drink on xx night and leave him to deal with the kids so he gets a better idea of what he is asking of you on a regular basis.

[Vulpine]

Start eating out. And no you're not being controlling. This is one reason I'm not so keen on self catering - it's a busmans holiday.

[BusterTheBulldog]

Could you agree he goes before everyone gets up? That’s what I do with running on Hols to avoid impacting anyone else’s day.

[Yessiry]

Honestly? Probably a bit of both. But more him.

It sounds like you have everything so organised, you're running a tight ship with no flexibility. Which can be suffocating to those around you.

BUT your DH should be helping much, much more. If he asks for an hour to himself, he should be automatically chipping in with helping you beforehand. Why can't he do dinner while you rest and chill out, and then go for his ride, and you all eat together (dinner warmed up) when he's back after showering?

What's he like when you're at home? The same?

[Mammajay]

Just say no. They are his children as much as yours so he should help.

[Lowena]

Sorry I have just read again and you are on holiday. I assumed he was doing this all the time as a regular thing.

Even so, it's definitely not on and my advice still stands. If he gets down time then so should you.

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

your requests for consideration are being read as an attempt to impose control and order

Yes this is it exactly. Thank you.

I say to him ‘can you wait until after dinner/help me get the kids sorted?’ And he’ll have some kind of excuse why he has to go at that exact time of day and I’m really U and controlling for making him delay.

[Floralhousecoat]

Why isn't he doing any of the cooking, cleaning etc?
It's not really a holiday for you, is it? This is why a lot of women absolutely hate self catering holidays. It's the same old same old, just in a different house for a bit.

You need a holiday chores rota, so he knows when he needs to do the kids mealtimes, bed and bathtimes. I see you've also done all the meal planning and shopping. What does he actually contribute to the running of your family?

[HollowTalk]

It sounds as though he thinks you're his mum and he sulks when you won't let him do something. He's being really, really unfair.

I'd sit him down tonight and ask him wtf he's done to help his family this week. And I'd refuse to go on another self-catering holiday again. It's just the same work in a different location and without all the stuff you need.

[Wheresmyvagina]

Why on Earth did you agree to go on a holiday where you are doing all the same work as usual in a different house?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Take away, or eat out, or ready meals. Leave the clean up for him. Take it in turns to have your 'time out' at meal times.

He wants down time but is happy to let you do all the work - so remove the work. No laundry til you're home (and then both do it) easy food that takes no prep.

Just Do. Not. Do. It.

[GummyGoddess]

Why can't you say to go after the children are in bed? Would that be an ok compromise?

[LL83]

Just say to him tomorrow morning "if you want a cycle today the best time for me and the kids is ........."

Also line up some time for yourself, you might not have energy for a bike ride but go and have a coffee/wine somewhere or have a bath/read a book for an hour.

[Yessiry]

I say to him ‘can you wait until after dinner/help me get the kids sorted?’ And he’ll have some kind of excuse

In that case, he's massively projecting.

He's the controlling one.

[RhiWrites]

OP, this is outrageous. Stop. Stop doing everything. This is your holiday too and you’re doing all the work AND getting shit for it.

Say to your husband, “tomorrow is your turn to cook the meals and take care of the family. I don’t mind what you organise but I’m not doing any of it. It’s my holiday too and you’ve been treating me like the hired help.”

[BertieBotts]

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

Tell him this.

I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

Also this.

[JaneEyre07]

He's taking the piss.

And you're letting him.

Honestly, I'd pack the car up and go home. And no more holidays until he's prepared to be a parent too.

[Daffopill]

He’s taking the piss.