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AIBU?

Kids want their Dad to leave home!

291 replies

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:26

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

OP posts:

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HoraceCope · 15/04/2019 09:26

oh that is sad

HoraceCope · 15/04/2019 09:27

sit him down and let him know he should be more involved or there is no point.

Littlechocola · 15/04/2019 09:30

Does he know how they feel?

Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 09:32

Is he lazy , moody and mean?

labazsisgoingmad · 15/04/2019 09:32

sounds like you need to have a serious conversation between you and him then a family chat its very sad but could be salvageable if you want it to be

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:33

Last night there was a big bust up and they were all crying and basically through tears were saying they hated him, why can’t he leave, all he does is shout. It was terrible. He was in another room and stayed away and left me to deal with it. He must of heard them and inside he would of been really hurt.

OP posts:

Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 09:34

Girls or boys?

Wheresmyvagina · 15/04/2019 09:34

He doesn't sound very lovely.
You could try family counselling and talk about the impact on the children and give him a chance to pull his socks up. Or you could listen to your kids and give them a happier life?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/04/2019 09:34

What is HE doing to address the problem?

HoraceCope · 15/04/2019 09:34

It would be wrong to ask him to leave on their say so.
how do you feel?

Wheresmyvagina · 15/04/2019 09:35

'Inside he would be really hurt' well does he take anything on board? Does he think his relationships with the kids are ok?

MegBusset · 15/04/2019 09:35

This sounds pretty dysfunctional tbh and like the family dynamic needs more help than strangers on the Internet can give. I would be booking into family counselling and probably couples counselling too.

Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 09:35

Sadly it has to change quickly because at those ages it’s about to get much worse as far as family arguments go.

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:35

He is very lazy but basically stays out of the way most of the time or he’s not here. His interactions with them are more limited by the day. I can see why they say he’s mean and moody, but he’s not around much.

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 15/04/2019 09:36

I would be devastated if my kids thought that way about me, and any decent parent would work their butt off to improve the relationship with them. Is your DH willing to acknowledge the problem and make the effort?
If he is then of course it is salvageable. If not, then you really need to consider whats best for the children. They need their home to be a calm and loving environment.

BettysLeftTentacle · 15/04/2019 09:36

This is a prime example of how ‘staying for the kids’ doesn’t work. Kids see right through it. Same happened to me and I spent most of my childhood wishing they’d just divorce. The situation left some really lovely fucked up little presents for my adult life.

He needs to change and want to be in your unit or he has to leave and you need to put your kids first.

Butterymuffin · 15/04/2019 09:36

He is a lovely man

He doesn't sound it from what you've said and your kids clearly don't think so. You seem very worried about his feelings but not about theirs. That's not saying you have to kick him out, but why aren't you seeing his bad behaviour as something which needs to change?

Neolara · 15/04/2019 09:36

I'd be booking some systemic family therapy ASAP.

Wheresmyvagina · 15/04/2019 09:38

How do you think the kids feel living with someone who is barely there, but when he is there he is disengaged or mean?

Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 09:38

Can you give some examples of why arguments with the eldest begin?

bridgetreilly · 15/04/2019 09:38

Well in your OP you say he works hard and long hours, but in your next post you say he is very lazy. Which is it?

It sounds to me as though possibly he needs to start working less in order to prioritise time with his family more. Either way this isn't an issue you can fix. He has to do it and he has to want to do it.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 15/04/2019 09:39

How is he as a husband? Is he still the adult in your life that you most enjoy spending time with? Is he a friend/lover/co-parent whom you love and cannot imagine being without?

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PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/04/2019 09:40

So he's lazy, doesn't interact with the kids, is always out, works all hours - I'm seeing your kids point! What does he bring to the family or to you?

Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 09:40

The problem is that the kids see a big difference in the feel of their family and home when he is there, and when he’s absent.
Now why is this?
Is the house more peaceful, more organised, quieter, less disciplined ?
Do you give them more attention when he’s away?

rba100 · 15/04/2019 09:40

Establish whether he cares or not. I don't think you can steer the family culture if he's committed to never being a part of it.

If he is willing, bear in mind that pride / stubborness will probably limit how quickly you can make changes to his life.

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