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Was this EA / control?

(2 Posts)
TheCloserYouGetTheSlowerIGo Fri 12-Apr-19 23:36:25

When myself and my ds dad split, I very stupidly and quickly got with someone 13 yrs older (not that age matters)
From day one I knew it wasn't a relationship in the noutmal sense.
He was nr 40 and still lived with his dad.
He had told me it was his house and his dad had to move in as was ill.. Progressed to be a lie, but I never let on.
He said he had 2 siblings and one had passed. He'd tried to save her..
Again progressed to be a lie.
His work well I don't think he did. He would leave mine when he'd stayed as if he was off to work. But never ever spoke of a colleague, a job, anything.
One day my ds in his sisters car asked about his work and he shhed him.

So alarm bells rang but I was in a bad place and couldn't deal with a break up. Despite us not living together and me doing well for myself brining up ds alone etc.

One night we were out and he'd said something to me but can't remember what it was. And my friend hit the roof and told him that was emotional abuse. He didn't like that and from then on said he hated my friend..
That day forward he wouldn't allow me to say her name. He would use a horrible nickname.
If I said I was going out with her. Whether for a drink or to the supermarket or whatever he would ignore me for days..

We had sex 7 times in 7 years there was nothing other than the odd pecknon the lips.
I relalised finally that I deserved bette after another episode of being ignored for a week because I'd planned to go out for my friend's party. Then the next day acting as if everything was OK and coming round wantigg me to cook his dinner.

I told him to get out and that was that never looked back

BUT for some reason I keep thinking about how shit life was. How I couldn't even mention my friends name, how I had to get my son to lie if we'd been there. How I ended up on such high dose of ADs because I felt so run down after it all.

I hate that I think about it. I'm so happy in life now, due to be wed, a baby with my fiance, a man who treats me so well.

OwlBeThere Fri 12-Apr-19 23:43:25

It sounds very controlling for sure. Ignoring you when he doesn’t get his own way is classic emotional abuser behaviour. And then pretending nothing had happened is a form of gaslighting. If that’s not something you’re familiar with look it up to see if it seems relateable.
I think you are thinking about it because you’re safe now. You’re happy and secure and that means you’re safe to process the emotional aftermath of what happened. I’d say maybe some therapy could help you if you can afford it. If not formal therapy talking it through and about it is a good way to process and deal with it. Your new fella sounds lovely, explain how you’re feeling And I’m sure he’ll help you x

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