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To want to have friends?

(29 Posts)
PineapplePrincess Fri 12-Apr-19 22:46:00

Just that. DH thinks I’m abnormal by taking opportunities to make new friends.

I don’t have a huge social circle and don’t really get to go out much (married 9 years, dated DH 12 years beforehand, two young children - most of my life these days revolves round them or my work).

Most of my current friends I have met through work. People I have worked with or are currently working with. I have lost friendships with high school and university friends, mostly through distance and teenage fall outs, a couple by unexplained ghostings.

I got a message into a WhatsApp group inviting me to a night out. A number of women from DS’ nursery. I don’t know them that well, but thought it was really nice to be asked and it would be lovely to have night out in girly company.

Told DH, partly because I wanted to share the nice invite and other part to warm him up to the idea of going out in a month or so’s time, as he would need to look after the kids. He told how ‘sad’ it was, how ‘sad’ I was by trying to interact with it and how I’m so ‘desperate’ to make friends.

This is not the first time he’s been like this. Currently on maternity leave, he’s actively discourage me from joining baby groups. Again that’s deemed to be sad too.

He’s also fairly critical of the friends I do have. One or two he is okay with, others he’s can be quite nasty about - to the point I have had to ask him to stop because it’s upsetting and largely uncalled for.

He’s a bit of an anti-social person generally. Nice enough to people and in company, but doesn’t feel the need to socialise with people he doesn’t like and doesn’t need to make new friendships.

He say he has enough friends and can’t understand why I would actively seek to make new friends. He actually compared the WhatsApp invite to the equivalent of going on a dating website - really?

He would never actually stop me going out and doing these things, or meeting my friends; but his attitude puts me off from doing so. I didn’t really do the baby clubs during my first maternity leave that I could have done, I don’t socialise with the neighbours/street events because he doesn’t want to, and I probably don’t go out with my fiends as much as I could because I can’t be bothered with the comments and aggro it would cause.

I don’t feel I have good female friendships, not because of him, I have somehow just lost the good female friendships I have had over the years.

I miss that.

I don’t have my Mum anymore or any sisters/extended family. I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of and do girly activities with. I have my DH and two sons, and lovely as they are I crave some female company. Is that unreasonable?

PersonaNonGarter Fri 12-Apr-19 22:49:52

OP, hang onto yourself! Your real You.

You are totally normal. Your DH is off and controlling and wrong. You know this but he is trying to persuade you otherwise.

gottastopeatingchocolate Fri 12-Apr-19 22:53:42

Of course it isn't unreasonable.

You say he would never actually stop you going out, but he does, in a way, if his attitude stops you from going out.

Go out - meet some new friends. That is perfectly normal and not sad at all.

YourSarcasmIsDripping Fri 12-Apr-19 22:57:19

* He would never actually stop me going out and doing these things, or meeting my friends; but his attitude puts me off from doing so.*

* y don’t go out with my fiends as much as I could because I can’t be bothered with the comments and aggro it would cause.*

* he’s actively discourage me from joining baby groups.*

to warm him up to the idea of going out in a month or so’s time, as he would need to look after the kids*

* He’s also fairly critical of the friends I do have. One or two he is okay with, others he’s can be quite nasty about*

He is stopping you even if he doesn't say it outright. His attitude,comments,insults, needing warming up to look after his own kids....he is stopping you. It might seem like your choice sometimes,but if you say no or don't join in because you can't deal with the aftermath..he is stopping you.

The sooner you realise this,your social life will improve.

Ginger1982 Fri 12-Apr-19 22:58:20

He needs a month's notice to warm up to the idea of looking after his kids for an evening?? That is ridiculous.

IdblowJonSnow Fri 12-Apr-19 23:00:20

Op, your husband sounds like an arse confusedsad please go out with these friendly women and decide for yourself if you want to form friendships with them.
How bloody dare he say you're desperate or sad just because he's anti-social.
Major red flags here.
I hope you go and have a lovely time.

Whitechocandraspberry Fri 12-Apr-19 23:02:51

I agree Jon snow

Chocmallows Fri 12-Apr-19 23:06:43

You are allowed to have as many friends as you want!

He sounds like he has serious control issues!

e1y1 Fri 12-Apr-19 23:10:33

He would never actually stop me going out and doing these things, or meeting my friends; but his attitude puts me off from doing so

He doesn't need to actively stop you from going, he already is stopping you from going by passing needless nasty comments and degrading you for wanting to expand your social circle and friendships.

Not good and not healthy.

Popc0rn Fri 12-Apr-19 23:12:20

He sounds a bit controlling and mean from what you've said. It's perfectly normal to want/need friendships, it's human nature to want to spend a bit of time with other people.

unicorncupcake Fri 12-Apr-19 23:13:49

That’s all kinds of wrong. It’s so unfair and unsupportive to be so negative. And discouraging you from baby groups?! Why would anyone do that?!

By contrast-I’m a teacher so tend to condense all my socialising into the holidays as in term time i’m just too bloody knackered so this week I’ve been out for coffee on my own with a new friend from work on Wednesday, last night I went out for dinner with one of my oldest friends. Tomorrow I’m going on an overnight spa trip and then Monday meeting another friend with their new baby. This has been an unusually busy week socially as I’m off work. DH has been at work but has looked after DC uncomplainingly to enable me to do these things with my friends and hasn’t done anything other than feign a polite interest in them on my return! I’ve not had a snarky message, or an attitude or a single unpleasant comment. He likes my friends, appreciates that having a social circle makes me happy and supports that totally.

lifetothefull Fri 12-Apr-19 23:16:21

It's not sad at all. Sounds like just what you need.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 12-Apr-19 23:18:36

What a complete arsehole!! He's jealous of you going out and having friends, he's a total twat for making you feel that way. They've invited you because they like you! Please do not let him put you off.

He sounds vile by the way.

Imadehimlikethat Fri 12-Apr-19 23:18:40

he sounds controlling and like he's trying to isolate you.

DH is happy with his small circle of friends, mostly from secondary school or work. I like to make new friends wherever I go. He would never do anything to dissuade me.

Provincialbelle Fri 12-Apr-19 23:22:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YourSarcasmIsDripping Fri 12-Apr-19 23:24:10

* I wonder if he has Aspergers or something which means he doesn’t see any need for conventional social relations?*

I wondered how long it would take....

Stuckforthefourthtime Fri 12-Apr-19 23:26:30

He sounds horrible. I'm also on mat leave and my DH is hugely encouraging about me making new friends, even though he still has a pretty tight knit group since school days. This is not because he's some kind of perfect husband, but a decent regular bloke.

Even someone with lots of friends can find that at different life stages they'd like to make more friends with shared interests / timetables / location. Especially when your older child starts school, it's a really good time to make local friends for yourself and also to help have playdates and solidify friendships and model good social behaviour for your dcs. One thing he is right about is that it definitely can feel like dating at first, it's hard but worth it.

Does he have form for other controlling or belittling behaviour?

You deserve to have good friends. If he won't babysit then hire someone so you can make some, and then consider what a good romantic relationship looks like to you - and what you're going to do next with your DH

Aria2015 Fri 12-Apr-19 23:33:33

Totally normal to want a good group of friends. Opportunities to make new friends don't happen every day so id grab the chance to meet with the nursery mums with both hands and hopefully you’ll make a few new friends long term. I'm very fortunate with the friends I have and I absolutely treasure them all. Family is wonderful but so are friends so get yourself out there and pay no mind to your dh!

moofolk Fri 12-Apr-19 23:34:15

He's being weird and controlling. YANBU to want a life outside your relationship.

He is BVU to be so scornful and judgemental at a very normal thing; a mum of young kids socialising with other mums of young kids.

He sounds jealous. Which does not make it ok.

LovelyJubbly67 Fri 12-Apr-19 23:36:34

YADNBU. DH sounds like a massive arsehole. Which makes me wonder, has changed or has he been like this all the 20 years? And if so why have you chosen to stay with a controlling bully?

SpinneyHill Fri 12-Apr-19 23:45:26

He's isolating you, slowly chipping away at your freedom and self esteem and by creating an environment where your view of normal, It is normal to have/want friends, is questioned and deemed wrong he has justified being an arsehole about it. He has no business being a dick about your mates to you or to them, he isn't your manager
He sounds like a controlling prick

HBStowe Fri 12-Apr-19 23:48:34

He sounds like a nasty wee prick

Atthebottomofthegarden Fri 12-Apr-19 23:48:56

What does he expect you to do on Mat Leave, sit at home by yourself the whole time? Thats weird.

My Ex was like this. I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I told him I would be going out in a week or so. Sometimes I’d put it off for days - he would get so sad when I told him. This was pre-kids.

He’s my Ex.

Provincialbelle Sat 13-Apr-19 00:14:16

Not sure I deserved your sarcasm Sarcasm, I put it forward as one of 3 options and pointed out we don’t have enough info

Yabbers Sat 13-Apr-19 00:47:42

Gaslighting 101.

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