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Opinions please: This is more than enough financial support after marriage split, right?

(60 Posts)
DM1209 Fri 12-Apr-19 21:35:45

Wise MN, please help to settle this for me. My sister and ex-bil separated 4 years ago and now divorced.
3 children all under the age of 10 all in FT school. Marriage broke down because ex-bil had an affair, my sister found out and rightly so, she left him.
This is my AIBU:

Ex-bil covers everything financially since the split and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future -

He pays, mortgage on 4 bed property (in joint names) for my sister and their DC.

He pays ALL of the utilities, internet etc.

He pays her car insurance because he says she drives their DC around everywhere but she pays to maintain her car.

He puts a decent sum of money in their joint savings account for the DC every single month.

My sister is retraining and will be back in work by the summer. Her current income is £1300.00 a month and all she has to pay out of that is her contract on her phone, food, clothes and school trips etc for the DC. That's it.

Ex-bil is going to continue with the financial support as it is because naturally they are his children too AND because, now here's the thing......Ex-bil is financially solid where the DC are concerned but only sees them for a few hours once a month.

Doesn't call, interact outside of his chosen timeframe with them (sister has pushed and pushed to get him to increase his contact, he refuses and says this is the only time he is willing to give DC), he has no understanding of their schooling, health issues or anything, my sister does it all and they have never been with their Dad overnight, my sister literally does everything and so has no life.

We are butting heads right now because she wants ex-bil to increase his financial support towards the DC, she is very angry with how little he has to do with their DC and feels as she deals with everything else and she never gets a break or any emotional or mental support from their Dad (youngest DC has just left hospital after battling meningitis, thankfully fully recovered, ex-bil called once to ask how youngest DC was but never visited), he should simply pay more.

My argument is yes he is a wank stain but he pays enough and she should leave the finances as they are and focus on her career which will give her even greater financial independence. It is likely if she asks him he will simply humiliate her and tell her no which will just make her even more angry!

She's older than me so I'm being told I'm too young to understand..... please give me some insight.

DM1209 Fri 12-Apr-19 22:39:24


acquiescence Fri 12-Apr-19 22:43:29

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here. It sounds like she is financially in an ok place, but it is totally understandable that she may want some form of compensation for his lack of involvement. As you say, it’s all in her, the mental load is massive. I wouldn’t blame her at all for trying to get a bit more money now, as he may draw back in future. It sounds like she could do with some money to pay for luxuries for her like babysitting, breaks away etc to help her cope with the responsibility.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 12-Apr-19 22:44:32

I don't really think it is any of your business. Agree to disagree and don't discuss it again

cuppycakey Fri 12-Apr-19 22:45:37

Your sisters income is totally irrelevant in this.

What does XBIL take home each month? If the current maintenance equates to at least 20% of his net pay, DSIS could run into issues asking for more, but it depends on his overall income and outgoings.

£1300 a month isn't loads to live off of when you have 3 DC under 10 to clothe/feed etc.

PersonaNonGarter Fri 12-Apr-19 22:45:46

I think you should butt your head out, sorry.

FWIW, I agree that she needs to get a job.

C0untDucku1a Fri 12-Apr-19 22:51:25

It is none of your business.

He is a selfish parent and if he is prepared to pay more, he should. And she is retraining so not just reliant on him.

MidniteScribbler Fri 12-Apr-19 23:22:46

I think she should tread carefully. Unless he is earning a huge sum, then he's probably already paying over the required amount, and if she starts getting greedy, then he could just reduce it to what he has to pay.

The costs of children should be split between both parents, so she's can't expect him to cover everything. Him not seeing them is shit, but it's also irrelevant to the financial discussion.

BejamNostalgia Fri 12-Apr-19 23:28:37

£1300 isn’t much for 3 kids at all. Plus I think your sister has a point about being the 24/7 parent. I think it would be more than reasonable for her to ask for him to pay for a babysitter once a month or so.

Have any of the rest of her family helped out with childcare? It sounds a bit relentless for her.

HeddaGarbled Fri 12-Apr-19 23:29:43

I think she’s really struggling with how badly he’s treated her and the children and is understandably angry and wanting to make him pay. You going on at her isn’t helping. You’ve said your say, now drop it.

SD1978 Fri 12-Apr-19 23:33:28

Shea angry, but I agree with you. I doubt that through CSM she would receive as much, even with 100% care. If she thinks she would- she needs to look at the CSM calculator. At some point, if he's paying extra he may choose to decrease to the minimal amount- and most likely will if she requests more now Ye. Is she currently able to support the children on the income she had and gets from him?

nutsfornutella Fri 12-Apr-19 23:49:25

You're right but I understand your sister's anger. She probably thinks that he should pay for some help to compensate for the lack of involvement in the kids lives and this is coming from an emotional rather than practical place so go easy on her.

My ex is very similar and thinks money compensates for the pathetic amount of contact he has. Maintenance is regular and generous but not enough that I can outsource the stressful parts of my life like gardening and cleaning. My kids don't need babysitters but I can't go out and do things overnight or be a temporary carefree adult and get drunk or be with a man overnight as I'm the only adult in charge and it's not fair on the kids.

The others are right about being careful that she doesn't send him to CMS and end up with a big fat deduction which means moving house etc It's really shit when Dads are like this and the school holidays act as a big fat reminder of this but things are going to get better with this job and her kids will remember who was there for them

TanMateix Fri 12-Apr-19 23:58:46

Bloody hell, he is really going way above the call of duty but she feels he needs to pay more? I know people who have provided at that level but they were into 6 figure salaries.

By law, the most she could get from him is 20% of his net salary (even less if he has kids at home or he is over paying for his pension)

He doesn’t need to pay anything else whatsoever, he may even had agreed to over pay in such way by a consent order but when it comes to child maintenance, those court orders are only water right for one year. After that, he only need to the CMS to request an adjustment and he goes to the 20% required.

With kids and an income of £1300 a month, she should be able to get tax credits provided she is not getting a lot in the form of spousal maintenance. Whether what she brings in and can get from TC is much or not depend on her lifestyle. Sad thing about get divorced is that the standards of living have to be readjusted to your own means. So if she cannot afford her expenses she may as well start trying to teach herself before she gets into hardship.

pallisers Sat 13-Apr-19 00:06:26

Bloody hell, he is really going way above the call of duty

Above?? This man had a child who was hospitalised for meningitis and he phoned once and never visited. He has little sense of duty to his children beyond transferring money. Yeah yeah there are deadbeat shits out there who don't even do that but that doesn't make him a dad punching above the call of duty - it makes him a bad father who isn't bad enough to leave his children without money - just emotional support and another parent.

OP I think you should stay out of this. Your sister is angry and I don't blame her. Personally, I think she should leave him alone (if only so he won't go complete shit on her and leave her short) but I certainly can see why she is so angry that the man she had children with, thinks he is some kind of generous uncle rather than an actual father.

Mammylamb Sat 13-Apr-19 00:11:57

Ok, so he is a saint because he provides financially. She should be grateful while she spends every waking hour looking after his kids

MidniteScribbler Sat 13-Apr-19 00:17:47

Ok, so he is a saint because he provides financially. She should be grateful while she spends every waking hour looking after his kids

She has every right to be angry, but at some point she also needs to provide for her children. She no longer is married and being financially supported by her husband, she needs to get a job that pays her share of the bills. If she wants a babysitter, she can pay for it from her own wages.

He's a shit dad if he won't see his children, but sadly, you can't force him to suddenly become a better father. She needs to be realistic and realise that if he is this shit now, he's probably going to become more shit and cut off the gravy train at some point. She needs to start preparing for that now.

NuclearReactor Sat 13-Apr-19 00:20:29

I agree with you OP. She has enough.1300 a month is enough to pay only food, contract and school things plenty people manage with less. She seems to be getting a sweet deal and by asking for more, he may then decide to decrease that amount and she is in a worse position. He needs to see the kids more, yes but no amount of money makes up for his absence.

I would stay out of it unless she is coming to you for advice. However, I don't see the problem In pointing out that she should she focus on her career rather than chasing a POS for money a career would be much more rewarding.

Tunnockswafer Sat 13-Apr-19 00:25:14

How can you possibly say a father is going “beyond the call of duty” when he does not want to see his own children? And didn’t care if one was seriously ill in hospital? We hear so much about men wanting to see children and being kept from doing so, and then there’s a poor excuse for a parent like this. Three small children and he’s screwing around - the money he pays may be for the guilt though that doesn’t tie in with the lack of contact.

Ihatehashtags Sat 13-Apr-19 00:27:19

1300 a month with 3 kids is nothing! That’s supposed to cover everything except utilities? That would be a doable but a struggle

YourSarcasmIsDripping Sat 13-Apr-19 00:28:29

Just remind her that this is not set in stone and a private agreement and that if he digs his heels in she might end up with only what CSA deem necessary.
And while he's throwing money at the problem, he has shown he doesn't care much about the kids. Acting out of anger never really ends up well.

Then leave it with her, she knows him best.

PickAChew Sat 13-Apr-19 00:28:59

It's a good amount of money but the fairness depends what he earns. It doesn' t mitigate the lack of contact, though.

YourSarcasmIsDripping Sat 13-Apr-19 00:30:03

She is retraining and will start her career in a few months. She's working on it!!

GregoryPeckingDuck Sat 13-Apr-19 00:31:01

How much does he actually pay though? In some areas that would be very little central London it would be a princely sum. And how muchcanhe realistically pay? How much does he earn/what assets does he have?

HeddaGarbled Sat 13-Apr-19 00:34:02

There are times when it’s OK to try to prove to your sister that you are right and she is wrong. There are times when she is in such deep distress that it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong and she just needs a silent shoulder.

VimFuego101 Sat 13-Apr-19 00:35:08

I would tread carefully if he is paying a significant amount more than what CMS would tell him to pay. Even if the amounts are written into a court order, he can go to the CMS to have it re-assessed after a year.

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