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To ask you how to be happy?

(40 Posts)
plotmissinginaction Fri 12-Apr-19 19:21:27

Just that really. I feel like I've been struggling with low mood and anxiety forever now. Until now I always believed I'd find a way out of it. I've taken up yoga, meditation, journaling, worked with various therapists - currently a psychologist. I've done everything I can do improve myself in terms of my work - endless courses, currently trying to complete a masters which I am struggling with as entire days get lost to sitting around and crying.

This week I was walking in the woods with my children. The sun was shining, my children were happy and healthy and running about and I just looked it all and it was like it couldn't touch me or something, or I couldn't access it. Logically I could see I should be happy but I just felt awful.

I don't feel loved or lovable. I feel useless. I can't get my career to work despite throwing all I can at it. I can't get my friendships to work although I think I am very loyal friend but I think I push people away because I try too hard and seem needy. I am very lonely. My marriage is often in bother. There is a lot of resentment, on going criticism, anger. It feels like my very best isn't wanted in all areas of my life - work, love, relationships and it all suddenly feels very, very pointless.

Nothing I do works. And I keep thinking well this is it then. This is my life. And I don't know what else I can do, I've just run out of hope and ideas. Today I was looking at yet another course thinking maybe if I just do that everything will click into place but I know it won't help.

So it's me. I am the problem. I just don't know what else to try.

Ashana Sat 13-Apr-19 00:57:38

Op could you not volunteer your time at an old people's home, talking to and providing company for them? Or maybe at a school listening to readers etc? This is surely better then wasting days at home crying. I know that there's no financial gain from it but sometimes just the fact that you made someone elses day makes it a million times more rewarding.

TheSandman Sat 13-Apr-19 01:02:14

Masturbation and chocolate. Works for me.

hannahbanana2007 Sat 13-Apr-19 01:05:52

A PP suggested getting your thyroid function checked and while obviously there could be many reasons you feel this way, I can sympathise with a lot of them and I had no idea until it was picked up by chance that it was linked to me having an underactive thyroid. Look after yourself x

JaneJeffer Sat 13-Apr-19 01:17:06

I just came across this cartoon

snop Sat 13-Apr-19 01:36:47

I've always been a happy person I don't know why? I've always seen the good in situations and people. I really don't know why I do this as I've had a pretty shit time at certain times in my life, having to deal with loss, money problems and mental heath issues. Throughout all of the shit I've gone through over the years I've always had the outlook that there is always someone worse off. And there'd always is. Apart from anxiety and depression I've had good heath . and in that respect I'm rich beyond riches. I definitely think it all to do with attitude and how you embrace life. Nobody owes you anything and life is what you make it I've got my physical heath and in that rich

snop Sat 13-Apr-19 01:46:58

Again it all to do with expectations . Years ago we had the expectation you worked for everything you had and be proud of all you have achieved. Now we we see it all on social media and it looks like it all comes easy be it being born in the right family or to have the right contacts that life is amazing from the minute we are born. It just makes the people who don't achieve the same stuff feel shit. Everyone is amazing you don't need the contacts,money relationships house to feel like you have achieved this x

Girlicorne Sat 13-Apr-19 02:12:54

There's a few things that helped me through a mental health crisis last summer.
If you are on social media, come off it, I deleted facebook last summer and my mental health is massively improved.

Stop doing things you don't want to do. I never agree to do anything I don't want to do, I don't accept invitations out of duty or obligation, if it's something I don't fancy I just say no. selfish maybe, but life is too short.

Cut out any toxic or negative people. Spend time with the people you genuinely like.

Hope this thread has given you some good advice and you feel happier soon!

Aria999 Sat 13-Apr-19 02:21:56

Agree with some other posters it does sound like depression. If you don't like the idea of meds, I found cognitive behavioral therapy very helpful for mine.

plotmissinginaction Sat 13-Apr-19 09:23:18

Thanks, this thread helped me sleep last night. The joys of insomnia!

I can't do any other exercise than yoga at the moment. I was unwell a few years ago and yoga is the only thing my body will tolerate. I used to run a lot which was so good for my anxiety but I haven't been able to do that for years now. I like yoga though, feels more balanced than what I was doing before which wasn't always very kind to my body.

I used to do voluntary work but I really don't have time. I have too much to do which is why whole days being lost because I cant stop crying is a bit of a disaster!

I think I need to simplify my life. So I can do some down time stuff and be outside more. Also at least one person that I need to get rid of. I think I've been depressed for a really long time now (probably since my dad died and that was about eight years ago!) and I have terrible self esteem due to shitty childhood (fairly chaotic, addiction and violence at home) so I suppose in some ways I am probably not doing so badly. I've never believed I was worth bothering about and I've been searching for the person/thing who will change that but I understand now it has to be me who changes the way I see it.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Sat 13-Apr-19 10:06:28

You sound a really smart cookie OP...you will figure it out I am sure...xx

Tensixtysix Sat 13-Apr-19 10:14:06

The only way to be happy is to not expect much. It's taken me over 40 years to realise that!
Take notice of little things when out in nature. The bees, the ants, the trees and birds.
Know that you are part of nature and that you have the power to do good.
Be grateful everyday for being alive!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Sat 13-Apr-19 10:26:25

Been having a think OP..where is your safe place? You know the place you feel you dont have to hide? Is it home? Is home getting you down cos its not how you want it? What are you most fearful of? I think what helped me a lot when I was younger was the what ifs and buts...I would imagine the worst case scenarios all the time and panic and fear would set in...maybe if you could have a think about what the worst thing is for you thats playing on your mind then try to formulate a solution...this could be an imaginary problem so say you lived in a rural spot and you were terrified about loosing your house keys on a cold dark night and having no one to help you what would you do? I have no one to rely on but me..it sounds daft but in your mind you could think this is a disaster and how frightened you would be or you could think right I need a second set of keys cutting and I am going to hide them under the plant pot...only you would know where they were but you are covered cos you now know if you cant ever get in you have thought about it and solved a problem ..you win cos you have already sorted it....shit example I know but daft things like this can make you feel more secure and ease your mind....Laundry was my major bug bear...it used to drive me bananas.I couldnt ever get on top of it ,it was always hanging around the house getting me down until someone said why dont you put it all away unironed...OMG this was a revelation could I really do that? Well yes I could and my house was 50 percent tidier right away.!!! I ironed my stuff when I needed it not tourtured myself by looking at it day in day out...daft stuff but it helped me feel more in control...dont know if any of this rambling will help you but it might give you something to go on in other areas of your life?

plotmissinginaction Sat 13-Apr-19 10:58:13

My biggest fear is being forced back into secondary education or something similar. It made me so unwell and five years on my health is still not what it once was. That’s why I’ve been pushing so hard, so I can earn money doing work I love and that doesn’t make me feel ill. I’m under pressure to earn by dh. I’ve managed to get small pieces of freelance work but all the interviews I’ve done I’ve been rejected from.
He thinks I should just go back. I know I can’t. I have a diagnosis of CFS. I’m not sure it’s right as I mostly struggle with nausea and pain.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Sat 13-Apr-19 11:31:44

Ok so you have a start ..something to build on..that is so good...Your husband I presume is your best friend? He will I am sure want the absolute best for you...so you need a plan,something to work to and for.My suggestion is a business meeting with your husband,Get the kids to bed and clear the kitchen table! This is done best when you are both not exhausted..dig out all the household bills and tot up what you both realistically need to live on dont skimp on treats cos they are vital to everyone..then see where you both are ....now if you are not miles apart then maybe cur backs could be made to ease the pressure on family finances...switching bills etc do you need 2 holidays a year etc if you do thats fine but if you dont then you have saved...this will allow you to try to find some way to be able to prioritize your job.Make clear your idea that your job will allow you some earning potential in the future but maybe not right now...You cannot and will not sacrifice your own mental health to do something that is unbearable to you and it should not be accepted that you do...but there may be other ways to suppliment your income which may be more acceptable...then test the water for 6 months if you can...set up a facebook page and promote your talents,join an agency to promote you,,leaflet drop you never know ...adverize yourself on the facebook buy n sell sites if its something creative...you already know all this I am sure and I am not trying to teach you to suck eggs but having identified your worst fear then it seems right to have a plan of sorts to work towards...and if it means taking in laundry or something equally tedious in order to earn a bit of cash to get you where you want to be then why not try? It could be dog walking at lunchtime for someone,,cutting beryls grass cos shes too old to do it...it wont matter if you can see where you are going,and why you are doing it.Also what abut contacting someone in your chosen field and asking to shadow then for a few weeks/ months sort of like an apprenticeship kind of thing ? Learning on the job so to speak...you wont earn anything but you will learn and probably much quicker than from a book in an educational setting? Could that work maybe? just some thoughts to try to help maybe ...Crating choices for yourself will help you focus and clear your mind too so might be worth a try...looking at what you can do instead of what you can;t?

plotmissinginaction Sat 13-Apr-19 12:32:00

Thank you, I think it's all very doable with a bit of time and space. I need to pull together some kind of offer or something. We can actually manage on the one wage but he really resents it. But also I have been ill! And the last two years were pretty consumed by my little boy going through an ASD diagnosis which I did all by myself as he's not so hot with the emotional support stuff. I do know I can not return to school though. It would ruin me.

I feel much more hopeful this morning. Thank you everyone smile

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