To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?(140 Posts)
I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.
I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.
MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.
I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.
I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.
Is it mainly your mil?
People, well women really, love babies, love holding them,love feeding them - no doubt it's instinct bug when they insist on doing it a bit too much/long they are ultimately being extremely selfish and inappropriate.
YANBU, your baby isnt something you owe other people time with
Because baby is new and cute and very much loved by lots of people who want baby to love them back.
People forget the overwhelming rush of love and attachment a parent has for their own child, especially in the early days. You've gone from this little person not existing to them suddenly being your everything. That's a lot to deal with. People forget how strange this is for new parents and straight away they want baby to a part of their lives and like to figure out what relationship they'll have with baby straight away. They forget to step back and let things happen organically.
I remember when my friends, in laws and friends all did this too. It was quite hurtful in the beginning and made me really territorial.
Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.
I don't believe so, I believe current thinking is that a baby being passed round 2 or 3 people for feeding, settlinv etc has negative rather than positive effects.
YADNBU. When I ask for my baby back and someone refuses it pisses me off something rotten.
YANBU at all. Has your DM explained why she believes it is really important that either MIL or DM care for him without you?
Yanbu. Gave me the rage when mine were small.
I found a hard stare and 'pass me my baby back' and physically going to get them worked wonders. A tinkly laugh after and 'God, I am sooooo hormonal about him' got rid of any offence they might have felt.
And if it didn't, tough shit.
What did you say when they refuse to hand your hungry baby back ? If someone had told me tha it would be the last time they held them.
I think you need to be very very firm with idiots like this
They're supposed to have consistency and familiarity in their carers, ideally their mum and dad.
I think your mum's motives may be selfish .(or misinformed at best).
I tried to conceive my son for over 8 years. As soon as I told people I was pregnant I started being told how people would have him overnight so I could have a break. My dad and stepmum are especially bad for it even now my son is nearly 2. They’ve asked to take him for a week, weekends, overnights so many times that I wonder if they can actually hear me say no.
Yanbu, but then I believe that we have a ridiculous culture of forcing tiny babies to sleep away from their parents, in their own bed and their own room when they are too young, we are told that we shouldn't pick them up and cuddle them too much or you'll spoil them and they won't become independent.
There's nothing wrong with 'attachment' parenting, why shouldn't you be attached to a tiny helpless infant.
Yadnbu. I was the same. Loved people to cuddle and play with my babies but the care, feeding, nappy changing sleep times etc were mine and my DHs decisions. Do not feel guilty YOU know what's best for YOUR child. Just keep being polite but firm till they get the message.
The overnight thing is bizarre. Once I'm past the baby/toddler stage I'm making the most of uninterrupted nights!
YANBU i have the same.
"Why don't you let us have DC, you and DP can have alone time" This in no way offence to people who do need this time, but we have it when the baby is down for the night. And is really not a problem, its life with children? I suppose because DC is such a good sleeper we do get the opportunity to "switch off" at 7ish.
I feel you OP. And if you say anything along the lines of "Errr no im fine looking after my child thanks" its took as a dig to their babysitting skills/other parents who do use relatives to babysit.
Having relatives watch your baby is absolutely fine. Hounding someone to look after their baby is not!
YANBU. I genuinely have no desire to leave my baby with anyone else for the night. Once they are around two or three it’s fine but under that age, nope. MIL has offered a handful of times but it simply is not happening.
It is your baby, not theirs.
I genuinely think being made to feel like my baby was somehow public property and I was being unreasonable if I didn’t want her snatched off me every 5mins contributed to me having PND. Before she was even born people were telling me how they’d do this and do that “when they had her”
Genuinely made me feel like I wasn’t her mum and instead some sort of surrogate for everyone else’s baby. She’s nearly 2 and I still feel so hurt and angry by the way certain people behaved and the effect it had on me.
So no, you’re not being unfair!
Do you really miss your baby when he goes to sleep?
You are absolutely NOT being U. They are!! I hope your OH is on board.
Seriously see less of them for the time being - be too busy.
It is your baby and their demands, which are clearly upsetting you, do not come into it. It is not up to them to dictate to you as if you were still a child and must obey them.
Also, from my own experience, just because someone looked after a baby 30 years ago, does not been they are up to speed or in tune with a newborn now.. It used to make me really anxious watching people try to roughly jig my newborn around, and then refusing to hand them back.
Stand your ground and just say No. or "I'll think about it, and get back to you " and then don't - until you really are.
Don't explain, Dont aplogise, don't justify. Don't get into a discussion about the rights and wrongs. Just repeat, repeat, repeat..
Your baby is not a toy for other people's entertainment.
I can't understand people wanting to have someone else's baby for the night. However I did have various grandchildren to stay when their parents asked me. It meant I had to get up early to give them breakfast, make packed lunches when they were of school-age, provide books for the dreaded 'topic'. However, they are now grown-up and do their bit towards helping me out.
YANBU, and stand your ground.
I really dislike this behaviour from some family members.
Next time someone suggests you need a break, agree and point them in the direction of the vacuum/laundry bin/cooker.
Your maternal instinct is to look after your baby and keep him close. Get MIL one of those weird newborn dolls if she wants a baby to play with.
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