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In thinking this is intrusive?

(19 Posts)
StandingOvulation Fri 12-Apr-19 13:16:59

Someone I know locally has lost their baby in very tragic circumstances and it's exceedingly sad and I wish her peace in her grieving, I can't imagine her loss.

the child has been laid to rest recently and and she visits the grave frequently and I hope she finds some small solace their with her baby.

This is the part I'm struggling with, though fully aware she is driven by her own grief, she's told a mutual friend that she feels very sorry for all the babies at the crematorium without anything colourful on their headstones, so she's bought several windmills and has put them by their headstones.

Obviously this is helping her grief, but surely the loved ones of the babies there have got the headstones marked as they would like and this is inappropriate?

SnuggyBuggy Fri 12-Apr-19 13:18:16

I agree it's inappropriate but I really wouldn't want to be the person to tell her so

TulipsTulipsTulips Fri 12-Apr-19 13:18:24

This is really inappropriate and disrespectful. However, in the circumstances, I wouldn’t say anything.

PutyourtoponTrevor Fri 12-Apr-19 13:19:15

It's very sad what has happened to her and I totally understand why she feels the way she does but it's not her place to put things on other graves/headstones

StandingOvulation Fri 12-Apr-19 13:25:35

Thank you, glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this, and I wasn't thinking af addressing the issue at all.

Imadehimlikethat Fri 12-Apr-19 13:28:17

Yes it is but really, who is going to hurt her by telling her. Hopefully the parents of the other children will take it in the right way, even if thry remove them

Alsohuman Fri 12-Apr-19 13:31:21

Poor woman. Hopefully she’ll stop doing it as she comes to terms with her loss and her grief becomes less raw. I’d be very upset if a stranger put things on my baby’s grave.

Foslady Fri 12-Apr-19 13:56:24

It’s a very difficult one, totally agree with you but not an easy one to solve without people getting hurt one way or another

InsertFunnyUsername Fri 12-Apr-19 14:11:12

I agree, call me a coward though because i would not be the one to say anything.

Poor thing, must be so heartbreaking and i can see how it might help her grieving thinking she is brightening up other babies headstones. So sad.

beeyourself Fri 12-Apr-19 14:14:29

I wouldn't be offended if someone put a windmill on my babies' grave. It's not something I'd choose, but it wouldn't upset me.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 14:19:45

I wouldn’t be offended at all, in fact I’d find it rather sweet that someone had thought of my baby.

PeppermintPatty10 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:22:51

Same as above; I would be touched that someone thought of my baby.

TheLoneWolfDies Fri 12-Apr-19 14:23:45

I can't see how that is offensive or innapropriate in any way shape or form. Its a windmill not a skull and cross bones. I think its really sweet if her.

NoBaggyPants Fri 12-Apr-19 14:29:21

It's an act of kindness. I wouldn't be getting upset or offended about it.

askingalways Fri 12-Apr-19 14:34:27

I have a grave for my baby and I would be very upset if someone else put anything there how ever well intended.

I am very protective over my special place for my child. It would feel very intrusive if a stranger interfered with my choices for my baby.

Call me crazy if you wish but grief is very personal and is not a place for strangers to get involved.

That said - I don't think there is any point in you telling her that as you'll be seen as the bad guy.

Norma27 Fri 12-Apr-19 16:09:07

I had a late pregnancy loss and the baby had a funeral. I don’t think I would be offended if someone put a windmill on the grave. I think I would be touched by that to be honest.

StandingOvulation Sun 14-Apr-19 11:19:22

Thanks all for your replies, those of you who said you wouldn't mind, don't you feel it's saying that you're not grieving correctly?

beeyourself Sun 14-Apr-19 19:21:18

I'm not sure I'd feel judged in that way. I think I'd feel it was probably someone I knew trying to express their condolences

Yessiry Sun 14-Apr-19 19:34:41

I wouldn't be offended or take it negatively.

I'd just think someone wanted to do something kind. What a heartfelt thing for your friend to do, especially at such a time when you can be so consumed with your own pain.

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