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To think dd should slow down with her bf?

(165 Posts)
conceptionpregnancy Fri 12-Apr-19 10:33:01

So my dd met her bf when she was 17 at sixth form, and he was 20 at a nearby university.

Dd will graduate next year, and they've already planned to move in together, probably in a shared house or rent a flat of their own.

Her bf is a junior doctor and so will have a decent income in a few years.

THey've already started talking that in about 5 years after graduation they can buy their own place. Her bf is keen to marry, settle down and have some children. She really wants a dog.

AIBU to think that they should all slow down a bit, and enjoy being young?

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.

I guess, I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself..

Drivemecrazy1974 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:37:16

Not really any of your business, surely?
I get what your saying, but I met my husband when I was 18, had never had any other boyfriends and 27 and a bit years later, we're still solid. I don't think she'd thank you for sticking your nose in. I know I wouldn't have listened to my mum if she'd tried to put her two-pennies worth in!

Drivemecrazy1974 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:37:30

you're

Divgirl2 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:37:36

If DD will graduate next year then they've already been together for a couple of years, is that correct?

She's an adult, and they sound fairly responsible. I'd just leave them to it. It's hard to let go but unfortunately I think you are BU on this one.

BarryTheKestrel Fri 12-Apr-19 10:39:01

I honestly think you need to keep your nose out regardless of what you think she SHOULD be doing.

If she is happy that's all she needs. She is about to gain her own degree, she is a bright woman as you've said, she will make her own life WITH her partner as she sees fit. She will not be reduced to 'the doctor's wife' unless that is the life she wants to lead if she is as bright as you say she is.

But she is an adult, this is her choice. Many people marry their childhood sweethearts and have very long and happy relationships, don't decide it won't work out just because they are young.

Drivemecrazy1974 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:39:02

Sorry if what I said sounds harsh - I've just read it back (!). It wasn't meant to be - I simply meant that at 18, I knew my own mind.

SoyDora Fri 12-Apr-19 10:40:21

Why would she be called ‘the doctors wife’? I have a few friends married to doctors and no one has ever referred to them as that, as they are people in their own right.

JADS Fri 12-Apr-19 10:41:50

YANBU but I think there will be many who is disagree.

She's 21 now, is that right?

Being a medical spouse is a bit like being married to someone in the armed forces. National Recruitment of junior doctors means you could be sent anywhere. Rotations can cover large geographic areas. It might be hard for her to build her career and I would definitely be doing that before having kids. Divorce rates in the medical profession are high.

I'm not sure there is a lot you can do though.

Bluntness100 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:42:02

Graduate what. University? Have they been together four years? What's your issue if they are happy? Why are you getting all up in their faces and wanting it to end?

And what do you mean be the doctors wife? Being married to a doctor doesn't mean you have to stay at home, she can pursue her own career if she chooses,

You're being very odd.

DumbledoresApprentice Fri 12-Apr-19 10:44:43

I really don’t see the issue. The way I’ve read this is that they met when she was 17 and have been together 2 or 3 years already and are talking about moving in together in another year or so when she graduates. Is that right? That doesn’t seem especially quick to me. What is the problem from your point of view?

Anothernew1 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:47:14

So basically your daughter is happy and successful and is possibly going to have a very comfortable life with someone who she loves but you think that she should chuck it all away and play the field a bit? She can enjoy being young with her partner.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken Fri 12-Apr-19 10:52:16

I'm also concerned that she's sticking to the first person she's dated. Doesn't she need to get out a bit and explore.
It's up to her isn't it? Not everyone has a Fear Of Missing Out. It's not unheard of for couples to meet and settle down without playing the field first.
I just don't want her to be tied down in a few years as "the doctor's wife". She's a very bright girl herself.
What makes you think she'll drop any ambitions?
You are wildly projecting even further into the future than she is.

thecatsthecats Fri 12-Apr-19 10:53:40

She can enjoy being young with her partner.

Ooh, no, Anothernew1. I had to stay indoors with my accountant husband. My entire twenties. My name is lost to history. I am only 'the accountant's wife'.

Seriously though, OP, stop being weird about this, because there really is no other way to put this. You are fretting about your daughter not only making choices that make her happy, but that are entirely sensible!

I had a whale of a time in my twenties, still do now, and I got to do it with my best friend, the person who gets me above all else, who I love. Hard to see how anyone could have a problem with that, really.

ZaZathecat Fri 12-Apr-19 10:55:04

I would feel the same but obviously you can't interfere, and with luck they will have a long and happy relationship.

Thatsashame Fri 12-Apr-19 10:58:00

I have been with dh since i was 16. Been 12 years and 4 dc later and we are stronger than ever. Why must she play the field. I think she is lucky ti have a potentially good career. Safe marriage and future. If it doesnt work out so be it. If ut does brilliant. Times have changedm young people dont have time to play the field and have a laugh they have to start thinking about their finances straight away if they want a sound future. Its harder to save and buy a house now for example. 18 year olds have started saving now to buy in 19 years time! Very sensible i think

LLOE7 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:58:11

YABU. It's none of your business, and not your choice. IMO you should be over joyed for her that she has found someone who she loves so much she wants to settle with, lucky her finding someone she feels so strongly about without having to have her heart broken numerous times before.
My DH got together when we were 16, at 18 we were living together, 19 we had our ds and at 22 we had our dd. We are now married and happy as ever- but have a strained relationship with mil because she had the same views as you and tried to encourage us apart.

Bringbackthestripes Fri 12-Apr-19 11:00:37

I would be thrilled if DC got together with someone with such drive, ambition and who was heading for a fantastic career.

They may outgrow each other, they may not. But she will not thank you for interfering.

GreytExpectations Fri 12-Apr-19 11:04:22

YABU and incredibly judgmental. Since when does getting married mean you can't enjoy being young? Since when does having a husband as a doctor mean you can't have a good career? Honestly, your post comes across incredibly sexist. FWIW i married the only man i'd ever had a relationship with and I am beyond happy with my life- we hope to have kids soon. Also, I married at age 24 (some consider this young)
You DD and her BF actually sound very smart to be making 5 year plans. Most people that age (and older) don't ever think to do that. Good for them! Maybe you could show some support and respect rather than judgment.

corythatwas Fri 12-Apr-19 11:10:48

She has had the same boyfriend since she was at school and so far from letting it interfere with her life she has gone to university and has nearly finished a degree. And so far from rushing from graduation to settling down, she is talking about what she might do in 5 years time, when she will, presumably, be 26.

"Being a medical spouse is a bit like being married to someone in the armed forces. National Recruitment of junior doctors means you could be sent anywhere. Rotations can cover large geographic areas. It might be hard for her to build her career and I would definitely be doing that before having kids"

JADS has a good point about the uncertainties, but the boyfriend, who is a few years older is a junior doctor now: he won't stay a junior doctor forever and they are not talking about settling down now.

When I (aged 19) fell in love with my dh he was an archaeologist on the circuit, travelling from dig to dig, trowel in hand. So like a junior doctor except they were only paid living expenses and with no well paid job beckoning at the end. By the time we got married and bought the house 10 years later he was in a steady job in the heritage industry: he has changed his job (voluntarily) exactly once in the 26 years since and we are still in that same house.

I am in my mid-50s and can confidently say I have never regretted not "exploring the field".

Ihatehashtags Fri 12-Apr-19 11:12:49

I wouldn’t be happy. She’s had no real life experience. Highly doubt she’ll be the same person at 17 and at 27.

MsRinky Fri 12-Apr-19 11:13:56

Can't see what's so quick about it? Date for 3-4 years, then share a house/rent together for another 5 years before buying? Hardly rushing things.

It might work out, it might not. They might grow together, they might grow apart. But it really doesn't sound like a rush to me, and having other relationships just because you think they should is not compulsory.

Sounds a lot like what I did with my boyfriend who I met in my teens - we lived apart in shared houses for 4 years, together in shared houses for another 2, rented on our own for another two, then bought a house and got married at the ten year mark. Seventeen years on from that we are still very happy...

HellonHeels Fri 12-Apr-19 11:15:19

Do you think she should be shagging around more?

Indecisivelurcher Fri 12-Apr-19 11:16:56

I kind of regret not sticking with my first love and instead thinking I needed to get 'life experience' and go it alone /be with some other people.

Reallyevilmuffin Fri 12-Apr-19 11:21:23

You're right OP. You should tell your DD to dump him, keep him on the hook to let her date multiple other people and tell him to hang around so that if in a couple of years time she hasn't found anyone better he is still there for her.

She's happy. He clearly has prospects and isn't going to be a deadbeat. Unless you don't like him or feel that the way they met was bad or some other hidden agenda I think YABVU.

(Is it that the age gap and a uni guy dating a sixth former you found odd and dislike - can totally appreciate that)

ElinorRigby Fri 12-Apr-19 11:22:18

I think these are quite natural concerns to have - though it's best to bite one's lip.

My husband and I remain somewhat anxious about my stepdaughter who married her first and only boyfriend. He's not been friendly to us - though we've tried to welcome him in - but he's a high achiever and they have a good standard of living.

I think the real test of their relationship will come when they have children. It may be that he'll tone down his workaholic tendencies to become a good father. Or it may not. If he doesn't make time for the children, my stepdaughter may cope well with shouldering the main responsibility of parenting - perhaps with input from his family who live nearby.

She seems happy at the moment, and we just have to keep our fingers crossed and see what happens next....

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