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To think this isn't acceptable behaviour

(113 Posts)
Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:03:56

My H (won't call him DH today as he's not very 'dear' to me this morning) goes out every month or so and gets completely pissed and will go from is it ok to go for a beer after work to rolling in at 3-4am. We have a 5 month old baby so yet again last night I'm waiting up for him to get in and then he couldn't find where we lived because of being so pissed (we've recently moved to a new house.) most of the time he is a fantastic husband and father but I find this behaviour completely unacceptable. Go out by all means but he gets out of control and then I don't hear from him for hours until he rolls in paralytic. This is the only cause of upset in our marriage, of course we bicker and have the odd row but I lose my shit when he does this and don't think I'm being unreasonable. What if something happened to the baby while he's out getting pissed? Or I needed him at home for whatever reason? He says sorry every time of course and he didn't intend to get that drunk but actions speaker louder then words so why keep doing it? I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and he says I'm overreacting and that he's a good husband most of the time. Surely it should be all of the time??

Aquamarine1029 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:16:17

I'm with you, op. Him getting that drunk is completely unacceptable, even if it were just once a year. It's pathetic behaviour.

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:26:23

That was my point when he had the cheek to argue over the minutiae of how often it is. I really don't care how often it is, it's too often for my liking and that's what counts surely. Also he was in bed all last week with gastric flu so I had very little help with the baby yet here is a week later going out and getting smashed. I feel like he's taking the piss out of me

Wolfiefan Fri 12-Apr-19 09:29:06

He is.
The excuse he didn’t mean to get that drunk is no excuse at all. Adults don’t accidentally drink alcohol. If he can’t drink without getting totally shitfaced then he can’t drink.

drinkygin Fri 12-Apr-19 09:31:08

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. Once a month or so is not often. What do you mean, something might happen to the baby? It’s very unlikely that there would be some life or death emergency on the one night he’s out with friends, and even if there was, in the nicest possible way-deal with it. How do single mums cope? You can’t love your life not doing anything just in case something happens to your child? Very bizarre way of thinking. Is there something that’s preventing you from having a night out?

BlueMerchant Fri 12-Apr-19 09:31:40

I agree it's not acceptable. My OH would do this every 2-3 months. He'd promise me he was going for a 'couple' of pints and be home by 10 when I knew it would be more like 5 in the morning. As the night went on he would also be texting me abuse and saying he wanted to enjoy himself and not be with me. I would be at home heartbroken with our two dc. He wouldn't remember this the next day and would apologise and promise he would never do it again. It made my life hell. I'd dread him going out.
I never stopped him but he realized himself what he was doing and now doesn't go out. He prefers a quiet drink in the house.
I think he realized what he stood to loose.
I feel your pain OP.

drinkygin Fri 12-Apr-19 09:31:42

Love your life, not love!

Candleglow7475 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:31:43

He’s acting like a teenager, not a responsible parent. To do this once a month is fairly regularly. Just how much do you have to drink to not be able to find where you live?

Wolfiefan Fri 12-Apr-19 09:34:41

Drinky you really think it’s acceptable for a grown adult to get so pissed that they can’t find their way home? confused
It’s not about him having a night out. It’s not about going to the pub once a month. It’s about the binge drinking to a level that endangers his health and safety. He’s being a twat.

Damntheman Fri 12-Apr-19 09:41:06

You're not unreasonable! His behaviour is unacceptable. Going out for a drink is one thing, but as an adult and a father he does not need to get so bladdered. It's a bit pathetic that he does really.

sashh Fri 12-Apr-19 09:46:49

You are both parents and therefore responsible for your baby.

If you were admitted to hospital and couldn't take the baby does he know what would happen to your baby?

Your child would be taken to a foster carer, a complete stranger would be looking after your child, just because dad was too drunk to look after him/her.

Basically once a month alcohol is more important than you or his child.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Apr-19 10:16:17

Mixed views here as always!

I personally think it's a bit ridiculous the argument that you need him to stay sober incase something happens to you or the baby. Firstly it's very very unlikely unless you or baby have a medical condition you haven't disclosed. Secondly parents are allowed a night off! What if he was away with work? What if you were a single parent? It would be fine. As long as hes not going out when you're ill or something.

The extent he gets pissed though is a bit worrying. If he is getting so drunk that you have to wait up for him to check he is ok and let him in etc then that's not on - he should be able to go out and have fun without it negatively impacting on you. I think I'd be asking him to stay with a friend or in a hotel for the night after he goes out so at least you dont have to be responsible for him. Is there anything he thinks he would be able to do to help him stick to hust a few drinks and come home at a decent time otherwise? Book a taxi in advance etc?

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:36:58

Thanks for the replies. It's reassuring to know that most of you don't think IABU and that this behaviour isn't really on. He was trying to argue with me this morning and say that I am overreacting whereas now I am getting all the sorry it won't happen again messages and that he's under a lot of pressure with work etc. Obviously he has sobered up a bit!!

Just to clarify where I stand meringue and drinkygin - I'm not expecting him to stay sober in case something was to happen to me or the baby. Of course that would be ridiculous and completely over the top. I am saying that I am concerned that he gets so drunk he doesn't know where is, loses all track of time and doesn't get in contact with me so yes, if for whatever reason I needed to contact him or needed him for whatever reason which is unlikely but not impossible I wouldn't be able to get in contact. I have no issue with him going out and letting his hair down but to go out and not text or ring for hours on end or even give me the heads up that he won't be home until the early hours isn't fair in my opinion, not when you are a parent. I went out recently and had a great time with my friends and was out for the duration but I was in regular contact and had given lots of prior warning that I would be out and that I had a cab booked for 1.30am. It is very different to say is it ok to go for a drink after work and then roll in at 3.30am.

And yes I had to let him in last night as we have gates and he left his keys in his car and he had to buzz the intercom which woke the baby up.

He had his boss' retirement drinks recently and stayed in a hotel which was a relief to be honest as I knew in advance and knew I wouldn't have the worry of when is he going to be home, how is he getting home etc but it resulted in an argument, not because of him being out or getting drunk but because I didn't hear from him from 5pm until the next morning and again, I don't think that's ok when you have a young child.

I had the taxi idea before meringue and suggested he do this for his xmas do so he booked it for midnight and midnight came and went and he basically just didn't get in the cab and came home hours later. It was even more embarrassing because the taxi is a family friend so I won't be suggesting that again.

And drinkygin having a baby does tend to get in the way of going out and getting smashed for most people!

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:40:23

I'm sorry that you had this issue with your DH as well bluemerchant. I know I'm far from being the only one, especially in the industry that he works in. Is there anything that made your DH realise? I've made threats to leave before to try to make him realise too what he has to lose but I don't really want that and it all blows over after a few days. As said before, this is the only thing that causes any issues in our marriage and for the majority of the time we are happy as Larry but when he goes out, it always ends in tears!

ToeSocks Fri 12-Apr-19 10:40:42

I think dads and mums are entitled to go out , we have a 7 month old , once a month I'll have a ladies night or he's out to the pub with his brother of friends - and think that you should be able to do it.

It would annoy me though getting back at 4/5am so drunk he can't remember where he lives blush , my partner did that once and I simply said your taking the piss - as I was up from 2 worried and he passed out on sofa which is where I get up in the morning with the baby hmm he's never done it since and comes back at a reasonable time and in the bed

My baby has a medical condition and I don't really worry when he's out as I know if something was to happen I'm more then capable of handling on my ones

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:53:28

Mums and dad are absolutely entitled to nights out toesocks, we need to keep our sanity and need a break! I'm not saying that I am unhappy with him going out, I'm unhappy the extent to which he drinks and that I then can't contact him and I have to wait up for him worrying. He'll say don't worry I"ll get the last train home which is at 11.30 and then he'll roll up in a cab hours later. Money isn't the issue here but as an aside, it costs £150 to get a cab home to where we live which I think is a complete waste of money as well.

I'm more than capable of looking after the baby as well, again missing the point I think. There is nothing wrong with her at all and nothing wrong with me either! But I don't think it's normal to go out and get so drunk that you're completely off the radar?

And for those saying what do single parents do - I am completely in awe of single parents and how they cope but again why should I act like one when I'm not? I would never go out and think of not contacting my husband when he looks after the baby for 12 hours so why should it be any different for me? (btw he's never looked after the baby for 12 hours anyway!)

Ragnarthe Fri 12-Apr-19 11:07:36

YANBU about him getting shit faced and after work drinks turning into rolling in at 4am.
YABU about needing him to stay in contact all evening.
I would ask him to be honest about whether it's going to be a late one or not. Suggest he sleeps on the sofa/in the spare room so he doesn't disturb you and that he shouldn't get so pissed he doesn't know where he lives.
Going out once a month wouldn't bother me, the behaving like a twatty teenager would.
I don't really understand why you need contact all evening.

Ragnarthe Fri 12-Apr-19 11:09:35

Just read your update, it would be cheaper for him to book a hotel room than spend that much money on a taxi. Mind boggling.

drinkygin Fri 12-Apr-19 11:17:52

Wolfie he’s an adult and that’s his decision. Op if you’re relieved when he’s staying in a hotel, tell him to arrange to stay at a friends afterwards. Problem solved. Also, stop being a martyr- having a baby doesn’t stop most people having the occasional night out 🙄
Also to the ridiculous person who said the baby would end up in foster care because the dad had a night out 😂 have a word with yourself. What a ludicrous thing to suggest.

VeronicaDinner Fri 12-Apr-19 11:18:14

I think needing to stay in contact all evening is controlling.

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:20:13

No issue with him going out ragnarthe and I don't need constant contact. When he's out, he's out and last night I was happy at home looking after the baby, watching tv etc, I had no need to speak to him. But at 10.30 he said he was going to be getting on the train shortly and then he rolls in 5 hours later and I had no contact within that time. I think that's the issue here and really selfish and not acceptable behaviour?
And re booking a hotel, of course it would be much cheaper but he never intends to go out for the duration he always says it'll be a few drinks and then he says he got carried away or needed to let off steam because he's had a stressful week at work and didn't mean to get that drunk or stay out that late.
He's just messaged about a night out he's got next month with his friends saying he knows it'll be a heavy one so won't go. I feel like he's missing the point as well and that's a short term fix to a longer term problem. Is it not possible to go out without getting that drunk? I don't want him not to see his friends, that's not the issue.

Ragnarthe Fri 12-Apr-19 11:22:44

That's why I said he needs to be honest.
I agreed YANBU about that.
What are his friends like?
Has he always been like this?

Chlo22 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:25:01

drinky as I've explained above, these are unplanned nights out that are meant to be a quick drink or two after work so he wouldn't make plans to stay at a friends house because these are nights out that are completely unplanned and get out of control. The hotel night was a one off because it was a retirement do that had been planned for months.
I never suggested that I can't have the occasional night out, how is that being a martyr? You said what's stopping me from going out and I pointed out the obvious!! Of course I still go out and socialise but it has to be planned, I can't just think oh I fancy a few drinks tonight and walk out the front door!!

And people saying I want contact all evening. I have stated very clearly that is not what I am expecting or what I am after here!! It's going for long periods of time such as 12 hours without any contact and someone saying I'll be home at 10.30 and coming home 5 hours later. It doesn't matter that its my husband, if I lived with anyone and they did that I'd be worried

Battytwatty Fri 12-Apr-19 11:27:22

Honestly , when he goes out on his monthly night out, why don’t you leave him to it and expect to see him when you see him rather than holding him time scales that he’s probably not going to keep to? I’d hate to be monitored on my nights out. I’m an adult, the kids are safe with their other parent. I will be home when I’m home

Weebitawks Fri 12-Apr-19 11:27:27

Getting so pissed that you don't know where you are semi regularly is a piss take. But it does come across that you want him to be in pretty constant contact.

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