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To distance myself from 'friend'

(14 Posts)
conflicted1234 Fri 12-Apr-19 08:33:30

I have had a friend since high school. Fundamentally we are quite different people but been through a lot together over the years. But lately she has been winding me up.

Some examples include her boasting about things in a really obvious way, belittling aspects of my life/views/friends in a 'jokey' manner and just generally being a bit of a brat. Whenever we get together whether it's for a meal or a day/night out we always have to do what she wants. She's rubbish at sticking to the plans and there have been occasions where I've been sat alone in a restaurant for nearly an hour waiting for her to turn up. She just seems to value her own time and money and self importance above all else.

Over the years these things have been annoying but tolerable but we've had a disagreement recently that neither of us are willing to back down on (whereas I once would just to keep the peace) and I'm starting to think that maybe we have just grown apart. She makes me feel rubbish about myself at times and I have plenty of friends who don't do that so why persist with one who does? She is the sort of person who has always been quite affluent and will expect people to slot into her way of life (expensive restaurants, holidays etc) even when you're not in the same financial position and I have really put myself under financial pressure trying to keep up over the years (my own fault but she seemed either oblivious or just didnt care)

We have a group of mutual friends so I don't want to cause a big split or have a dramatic fall out but I also don't want to pander to her or waste my time anymore. Anyone else have a friend like this and how did you deal with it? It's not that I don't like her, I just find her really unreasonable.

MsVestibule Fri 12-Apr-19 08:36:49

Good grief, just ditch her! No big drama needed, I would just phase her out by being vague about when you're available to meet up. Some people go for the more direct approach but I can see that that's difficult if you're part of a group.

KC225 Fri 12-Apr-19 08:44:05

I agree you have grown apart. She seems to lack any empathy and adds little to your life. Friends don't have to be alike but they do have be respectful. I agree with MrsVestibule above, use this disagreement to back away without drama. If anyone from your friendship groups comments, all you have to is 'We've don't have so much in common anymore, no big deal you know how it is'. They'll understand.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 08:45:22

I wouldn’t even question this, just ditch her.

LordWheresMyShoes Fri 12-Apr-19 08:48:30

Absolutely. Just stop meeting up with her. She sounds awful.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Perhaps the reason or season for her has simply expired.

TheChiefBMS Fri 12-Apr-19 08:51:08

Just don't make any efforts you aren't comfortable with and the friendship will recalibrate to acquaintance without affecting the wider friendship group. No need for a fallout. When she suggests expensive restaurant say you can't afford, etc. As she doesn't alter plans or consider your needs, you'll just drift from each other.

Claphands Fri 12-Apr-19 08:52:16

I think you’ve answered your own question here! Take the opportunity to ditch her!

PregnantSea Fri 12-Apr-19 08:55:16

If you're part of a wider group then you may still have to see her at times, so I'd insider that when deciding the best course of action. Personally I'd just stop meeting up with her. Let it drift. If you do happen to see her at group things just be polite and friendly but keep your distance.

TheSerenDipitY Fri 12-Apr-19 08:55:45

kick her to the curb
and dont wait in any cafes or restaurants for an hour, 10 mins call or text where are you, 15 mins walk out and go somewhere else... fuck her

SuchAToDo Fri 12-Apr-19 08:57:05

Op she treats you this way because you allow it...

Next time she belittles you, tell her to stop and ask her why she is saying things like that...if she says it get up and leave (or ask her to leave if it's at your house)..or hang up the phone

If you are at a restaurant and she's late, pay for whatever drink you have had and get up and leave, send a text saying just letting you know I've gone home, since you were over an hour late I thought I better let the staff have the table for other customers and I left because I didnt want to waste any more of my time

Since you don't want to cause a big fall out, as you have same group of friends, what you need to do is be civil and polite when you see her...but be less available...e.g she asks to meet , but you can't because you are going somewhere/doing something.....she asks to meet at your house/her house but you can't because you are having relatives over....she wants to eat out at restaurant but that's the day you and your mum/sister/in-laws/neighbour are doing something....do you see what I mean?..have a list of excuses, and gradually phase her out to the level where you can still see her and be civil and polite but where you don't have all this drama in your life from her

mondaylisasmile Fri 12-Apr-19 08:57:45

Just step away and kill off spending time with her, no dramatics, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Yabbers Fri 12-Apr-19 09:23:24

We have a group of mutual friends so I don't want to cause a big split or have a dramatic fall out

You stay friends with someone who treats you appallingly, because you don’t want to upset a group of other friends?

Good grief. 🙄

conflicted1234 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:39:54

Thanks for the comments. I do feel sad about it as we have been friends for so many years and have had some good times. She has been supportive too but her general personality is just selfish and she prioritises her own needs and views with very little thought or empathy for others.

In recent years i haven't seen her half as much as I used to so I guess the distancing process has already begun.

@Yabbers that isn't the sole reason I've kept in touch with her but thanks for your input 🙄

Piffle11 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:48:55

Don't dwell on how long you have been friends: this way of thinking is often why we maintain friendships that are past their sell by date. I have a friend of 30+ years who I have recently decided to walk away from: I have thought about doing so for probably over 10 years, and then I always thought, 'ah but I've known her so long!' She brings nothing to my life, never asks about me or my family, always talks about herself, expects me to drop everything and run to her side when she has a crisis … etc etc And I'm done. She contacted me recently to say she misses our 'lovely chats': she clearly remembers things differently as all I remember is me having to go to hers all the time (she hadn't been to mine in over 3 years, always an excuse as to why she couldn't), her talking at me/over me to the point that I would just sit there silently and wait to see if she actually asked me anything/allowed me to speak. She didn't. Your friend doesn't sound very nice and you're allowing her to get away with it because you are focusing on the friendship you had. Friendships evolve, we grow up, we change … you are starting to acknowledge that she is no longer who she was - you neither, no doubt - and you no longer 'fit'.

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