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To be fuming at both my DM and DH

(56 Posts)
DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 21:45:54

So, I don't have much of a relationship with either of my parents. My "D"F didn't bother with us until he got a son and my "D"M definitely has narcissistic traits.

I gave up trying to make that relationship work 4 years ago and moved abroad, got married etc. I give my mother a precursor phone call every couple of weeks, my father even less. Last time anybody made an effort to see each other was at my sister's wedding 2 years ago. Nobody really complains, I just can't deal with their BS in my life.

Had a REALLY tough year after my DH was diagnosed with leukaemia. No real support from my DP, not so much as a get well card, but I expected no more, either. Now DH is getting better, he's cracking on with his to do list.

I, however, was never made aware of my parents being invited over constituted a part of that list until tonight DH showed me a text from my mother stating she bought plane tickets for a WEEK in July!!! A WEEK!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THEM FOR A WEEK!!!

And of course my mother didn't give two hoots whether or not we can actually take time off (most of our AL is reserved for appointments, therapies, etc anyway). I know my DH is seeing it all through the rose tinted glasses of his relationship with the DILs (who are more than amazing, I actually wish they were my parents). He has no idea of the kind of emotional abuse that's coming our way!!!

I can't deal with this!!! sad

JamPasty Fri 12-Apr-19 08:21:07

Of course you can't face the thought of calling them - they are abusive to you! It's totally normal to not want to speak to people who abuse you! DH has totally and utterly overstepped the bounds - even if you loved your parents it would still be bloody weird and presumptuous for him to invite them to stay without consulting you. You do not have to tell him more about your history then you feel comfortable with. If you say to him "this cannot happen; I cannot cope with seeing them" then he should respect that and fix the mess he has created. If he doesn't then you tell him you will be away that week. The bottom line OP, for you to hang onto, is that you do not have to see them. The conversations getting to that may be difficult, but you do not have to see them. Hugs

TheSerenDipitY Fri 12-Apr-19 08:37:29

just tell him you hope they and him have a great week together and tell him you will miss him as you will be staying elsewhere until they leave
and if he objects remind him they were "bad" parents and you will not be forced into seeing them before you are ready and as he is trying to force this by taking the decision out of your hands that hes on thin ice with you also
and then do make arrangements to stay elsewhere for that weeks so he knows you are serious

VeganCow Fri 12-Apr-19 09:01:53

I would not contact them. But I would show DH this thread. He will then understand and he can email them and tell them plans have changed. He should then offer to send them the money for their flights.

Megs4x3 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:11:47

I feel for DH here. He’s overstepped a boundary he doesn’t know exists.

I had a similar situation. My DH kept making excuses for one of my abusive relatives until I had a complete meltdown one day and filled him in with more detail than ever before. Since then he has completely understood and had my back. You need to get to that point with him, even if you get the help of your counsellor-I’m not recommending a meltdown.

The invitation can and must be rescinded. You cannot have your home tainted by abusice people.

CharityConundrum Fri 12-Apr-19 09:21:16

And if you have never told him, it's not his fault that he doesn't know. If he is otherwise lovely, please try not to hold it against him: his thought process here almost certainly comes from a good place ('family rows are silly, life is short, I'll help my wife make it up with her family') and if it had been a matter of falling out over a silly row, he would have been right.

No he wouldn't! It's not up to him to force a surprise reconciliation on his wife, whatever the reasons. Even if he thought the reasons the OP is LC are 'silly', it's still breathtakingly arrogant to dismiss her emotions and trample over them without a second thought in the name of his personal quest to be the 'fixer'.

diddl Fri 12-Apr-19 09:32:31

Why can't your husband cancel the arrangements/tell them that you won't see them?

He made this ess-he needs to sort it out!

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