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To be fuming at both my DM and DH

(56 Posts)
DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 21:45:54

So, I don't have much of a relationship with either of my parents. My "D"F didn't bother with us until he got a son and my "D"M definitely has narcissistic traits.

I gave up trying to make that relationship work 4 years ago and moved abroad, got married etc. I give my mother a precursor phone call every couple of weeks, my father even less. Last time anybody made an effort to see each other was at my sister's wedding 2 years ago. Nobody really complains, I just can't deal with their BS in my life.

Had a REALLY tough year after my DH was diagnosed with leukaemia. No real support from my DP, not so much as a get well card, but I expected no more, either. Now DH is getting better, he's cracking on with his to do list.

I, however, was never made aware of my parents being invited over constituted a part of that list until tonight DH showed me a text from my mother stating she bought plane tickets for a WEEK in July!!! A WEEK!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THEM FOR A WEEK!!!

And of course my mother didn't give two hoots whether or not we can actually take time off (most of our AL is reserved for appointments, therapies, etc anyway). I know my DH is seeing it all through the rose tinted glasses of his relationship with the DILs (who are more than amazing, I actually wish they were my parents). He has no idea of the kind of emotional abuse that's coming our way!!!

I can't deal with this!!! sad

Whisky2014 Thu 11-Apr-19 21:48:11

Surely he knows your history? Seems like a weird thing To do.

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 21:50:17

He knows part of my history. Full extent of it is a matter between my counsellor and myself. The thing is, after his experience, he has this urge to fix everything, which I understand, but why, oh why does it have to involve my parents?!?

7yo7yo Thu 11-Apr-19 21:50:26

Leukaemia doesn’t mean he’s not a twat. He should have asked you first. I’d be booking a holiday. Alone.

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 21:52:06

EXACTLY!!!

I need a wine. And I'm teatotal.

Chickychoccyegg Thu 11-Apr-19 21:52:07

what a bloody weird thing fir him to do! your dh invited your dp's for a week's visit and didnt think to discuss it with you? surely he must know what they're like? i would be hugely pissed off in your position!

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 21:54:10

My gut instinct is to go have a trip to Antarctica for the duration of it. And without a doubt this will mean more ammunition for my mother's emotional blackmail arsenal.

mbosnz Thu 11-Apr-19 21:59:57

Oh boy. I can see why you're possibly about to create the next international warning for a volcanic eruption.

Erm. . . I'm sure his heart was in the right place? BUT WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!

All I can suggest is several wine bottles and a straw. (My family's go to. You can imagine how well our family reunions go. . .)

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 22:02:03

I actually physically don't want my parents in my house. That's how bad it is.

mbosnz Thu 11-Apr-19 22:03:44

I absolutely understand. . . unfortunately - it sounds like the deed is done. . .

Oh Lord.

7yo7yo Thu 11-Apr-19 22:06:30

Book a hotel room.
They stay there or they stay nowhere.

RB68 Thu 11-Apr-19 22:09:22

stuff that book a hotel room and stay there yourself

RandomMess Thu 11-Apr-19 22:09:56

I think "D"H will have a relapse and you will need to cancel even if it means giving them the airfare as there won't be the evidence to claim on insurance.

Perhaps you need to tell him a bit more about how bad it was?

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 22:12:47

I can't. I tried, several times, but unless you actually lived with a narcissistic parent, you can't really put that into words.

And even with them in the hotel room I still have to have them in my life for a week. I just can't cope with that.

RandomMess Thu 11-Apr-19 22:19:57

You need to tell him "no" and let him cancel it.

Parents will stop speaking to you after a huge row so could be the start of NC?

Nanny0gg Thu 11-Apr-19 22:21:51

So why haven't you made that crystal clear to him?

vintanner Thu 11-Apr-19 22:26:54

I find it strange your counsellor knows more about you than your husband does. I can't think of anything mine doesn't know about my life, good, bad or the ugly, and visa-versa.

I think you have to be more open and honest with yours. He needs to know how you really feel.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 11-Apr-19 22:30:05

You need to tell him and he needs to cancel your parents visiting. However I expect they'll just turn up now anyway.

I would book a holiday yourself and get away. Either on your own or as a family. It's possibly the only way to not have them in your life for a week.

What does your counsellor think?

JamPasty Thu 11-Apr-19 22:31:17

Tell DH "they are abusive. I've tried not to talk about it as I can't face thinking about it, but they were abusive and I cannot have then here. Had you asked me before inviting them I would have explained, but you didn't. Now you need to cancel their visit because I cannot have you inviting people who abused me into my life and home"

BasilBrushes Thu 11-Apr-19 22:35:09

But how was your DH to know all this? If you’ve never told him?

IHateUncleJamie Thu 11-Apr-19 22:36:53

Holy shit. I’m NC with my abusive mother and my DH fully supports that. He does know almost everything that’s happened though and NO WAY would he pull a stunt like that.

It’s nice that your DH has a lovely normal relationship with his parents but surely he respects you enough to accept that you don’t have that with yours, and are happier without them? How much have you told him?

I really think you need to tell him the full extent of their toxicity and that you cannot and will not have them in your home.

PoliticalBiscuit Thu 11-Apr-19 22:36:59

My utter sympathy, I know exactly what you mean about him not getting it. I've spent time with so many people and they can't get it, there's no easy way to explain or demonstrate.

But - your husband has looked death in the face - he's decided that contact with friends and family is important to his recovery. Ultimately perhaps he thinks that it's all that matters. He's presumably a bit stressed given the circumstances and is reaching out. Trying his best. Failing.

You, on the other hand, have clung on to normality desperately whilst he's been recovering. Now you are finding the ground solid beneath your feet he's adding something else into the mix to really test your resolve.

You absolutely could, and probably should, tell your narcissistic parents they can't come as you are still healing as a family. But they wont, or can't, understand it - after it is all agreed and paid for. So it will cause massive rifts.

Ultimately I think you know the eventual outcome, which is what will be making you feel so so cross - that you are powerless. You're not. Talk to your husband. Explain your distress. Ask if there was a way to stop them coming, what would it be? How would it look?

I suspect once you figure out how it could work and logically think the steps through you to cancel the visit. And knowing that he would support you in your decision will be enough to cope with it. But knowing there is an "out" and that he will support you in it, might be all that you need to make the visit slightly more tolerable.

RomanyQueen1 Thu 11-Apr-19 22:37:20

Oh no, you poor love.
I'm sure if he knew the full extent he wouldn't have done it.
He was probably thinking he could fix it and I'm not saying this is the case but maybe he was thinking negatively about not being here and them supporting you. Apologies if that's a bit raw, it's how a good friend behaved thanks

IHateUncleJamie Thu 11-Apr-19 22:37:37

Exactly what @Jampasty says.

Skittlesandbeer Thu 11-Apr-19 22:55:45

Bully for him that he’s had life-changing epiphanies. If he wants a stronger relationship with his in-laws, he can buy himself a ticket to go and stay with them.

Tell him that since the planning didn’t take you into account, it can continue that way. Tell him you’ve booked a week ‘back home’ and that you hope it all goes well. And frankly that’d be the last sentence he heard out of me for a long time.

Cherrysoup Thu 11-Apr-19 22:57:53

No, no and no again. He needs to cancel the visit. Tough shit about the plane tickets, hopefully he didn’t pay for them, but even if he did, the loss of money is worth the removal of the hassle. I think that he’s been thoughtlessly controlling and had no right to do this. They’re your parents, not his. If he’s on the road to recovery, having them over is not helpful, the tension will be horrible.

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 23:07:34

@vitaner

How lovely for you to be able to share everything about yourself with someone else, but it isn't a luxury we can all afford. The counsellor knows more about that part of me because I need someone trained who knows when to stop and how to bring me back safely before I can even contemplate remembering some things.

Who's wise response is that it'll all be ok and "we'll get through it". F* it.

GabsAlot Thu 11-Apr-19 23:11:05

wasnt it obvio9us to him tho that you rarely see them speak to them or have any sort of realtionship what did he think this would achieve

Drum2018 Thu 11-Apr-19 23:13:27

Insist that he contacts them and tells them he has made a huge mistake and that the trip is no longer an option. If he doesn't tell them then I really would head off somewhere and leave him to entertain them for the week they visit. You have said no, he's not listening so this will be a way to get it through to him. If he doesn't agree to cancel their visit then don't even tell him you are going away that week and just pack up whenever they are due to arrive. Even if you go to a friend's house for the week it will save your sanity - and that is the important thing here.

DrVonPatak Thu 11-Apr-19 23:14:55

I think he would like happy endings everywhere. And this is the one instance where I just can't find it in myself to oblige.

HelenUrth Thu 11-Apr-19 23:36:12

You poor thing. Hopefully you can get some support from your counsellor very quickly.
Your DH needs to understand the damage that could be done to your mental health, and realise that he will suffer as a result. I imagine extra stress wouldn't be ideal for him, even if it is s situation of his own making.
Good luck, make sure you do what's right for you in all this.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 11-Apr-19 23:46:12

What and how much you tell your DH is up to you and your counselor. You must do what is right for your own mental health. BUT, you can't expect him to understand a situation he is being kept in the dark about. Is there any way you would feel comfortable with a joint meeting with your counselor to mediate him getting a better picture? Or at least having your counselor validate your feelings to him?

After surviving cancer I think it's normal that he wants to 'set the world to rights'. He probably feels how precious life is and wrongheadedly thinks that everyone needs to 'just get along'. And having caring parents himself, his mind probably can't conceive of the level of abuse that you have obviously survived.

I am going to assume that there is a good reason why you aren't sending your parents an email/message/carrier pigeon and saying "DH was wrong to invite you without my knowledge. The invitation is hereby rescinded". That being said, if it was me, I would tell DH that either he calls my parents and cancels the whole thing or I will be making myself absent for that week and it will be up to him to 1-entertain them and 2-explain my absence. I'd book a hotel, stay with a friend, whatever I had to do to get myself gone. I understand not wanting them in your house, but if HE won't cancel them and YOU won't or can't cancel them, then I'd rather be gone from my own house than force myself to deal with them.

Incywincybitofa Thu 11-Apr-19 23:47:51

He doesn't get it and if after 4 years of marriage he doesn't know or understand he probably never will, but another thing to bear in mind is he has beaten something that for many is unbeatable and so to him in his close to euphoric state nothing is insurmountable not even your relationship with your mum and dad.
He isn't thinking clearly but I don't think it is coming from a place of indifference
I would be livid too and quite possibly not as pragmatic as I am being with you

SandAndSea Thu 11-Apr-19 23:57:20

Can you message them that there's been a mistake - your DH didn't realise that you'd booked a surprise trip for the two of you and you won't be around then so you'll need to re-book it for another time?

Or, tell them straight using as few words as possible and then block?

Maybe checkout Captain Awkward's site for more ideas? (I would definitely get out of it though.)

DrVonPatak Fri 12-Apr-19 00:04:48

I actually feel disgusted with myself that, after all the therapy, I'm still too weak to just pick up the stupid phone and tell them not to come.

SandAndSea Fri 12-Apr-19 00:05:05

Just thinking some more... ime it's best to be straight. My attempts at politeness with narcs have tended not to be that effective (turning up anyway having manipulated their way in etc). Personally, I wouldn't give them any 'in' at all.

SandAndSea Fri 12-Apr-19 00:09:29

I can understand that. Watch yourself - I mean that literally. Just watch. Be aware of your feelings. It's OK - perfectly normal and fine - to feel like that. And know that you're not disgusting - that's just how you're feeling at the moment. And you're not weak either. It's all just programming and you're working on changing it.

You don't have to call them. Maybe send a card / email / text?

ReanimatedSGB Fri 12-Apr-19 00:18:07

It does sound as though your H really doesn't know how bad your relationship with your parents was. And if you have never told him, it's not his fault that he doesn't know. If he is otherwise lovely, please try not to hold it against him: his thought process here almost certainly comes from a good place ('family rows are silly, life is short, I'll help my wife make it up with her family') and if it had been a matter of falling out over a silly row, he would have been right.
TBH the best thing might be to talk to your therapist about this visit and ask for support from your therapist in either cancelling it or managing it, and support in letting your H know that there is a serious problem.

TowelNumber42 Fri 12-Apr-19 00:25:51

You don't have to pick up the phone. You can send an email. Your counsellor could help you with that.

Your counsellor might be willing to have DH join one of your sessions so she can help him see that he isn't fixing, he's breaking and how he can fix the mess he made.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 12-Apr-19 00:26:17

Oh, please don't feel disgusted or beat yourself up!!! I'm sure the idea of confronting them is akin to the idea of sticking your head in a lion's mouth. Who would want to do that?

If you simply can't, then you simply can't. He must do it and he should do it since he created this situation. If you can't make him understand this, maybe your counselor can. But I do think this should be resolved as soon as possible. It must feel like the Sword of Damocles!

ohfourfoxache Fri 12-Apr-19 00:32:14

OMFG shock

You need to tell him straight that this isn’t happening. How dare he do this to you?

KittyInTheCradle Fri 12-Apr-19 00:35:22

Is there any way you could say to dh - for reasons I find really difficult and I'm not able to share, I feel very uncomfortable with them in the house?
And say please could he make an excuse and cancel?

He may have meant well, and not understand the impact, but he has created a really big problem which he needs to now fix.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 00:58:57

i recently spent a few days with my DF who has similar traits. It was horrible and I was glad to get get away, even though somehow I still feel love and guilt towards him.

The positive outcome was that I left knowing that I would never, ever, behave like that myself and that I must focus on the good things in my life - spending time with him reminded me how lucky I was to get away.

I'm going to advise the opposite to the PP's - let this week's visit happen so your DH sees what they're really like. It'll also remind you that you've moved on from their world view and what they do/say doesn't affect you anymore. I used to be afraid to phone my DF because he could really get me down with his nasty comments, but now they don't hurt me anymore, I don't care enough.

Just another perspective. You can certainly tell your DH that this is the last time they'll be visiting...not that he'll want to see them again if they revert to form.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom Fri 12-Apr-19 01:10:14

Oh girl I'm so very sorry you have been put in this position.I 2nd,3rd....everyone's responses.Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to confront them yourself,you already know how that will end up!We stopped seeing my husbands family over 16 years ago,for so many things like your parents plus more I can't even repeat.
It's ok to guard your heart!!But you need your husband to also help to guard your heart!All my blessings for you Hun!!

fitmamas Fri 12-Apr-19 01:14:47

Unless someone has had the experience of narc parents or a partner then it is very hard to understand. They just can not understand that a parent wouldn't want the best for their child. It's not their experience of life and they can not get it. I see that your DH really thinks he can fix your relationship with them. Not possible with a narc. He should read some articles by Peg Streep. I think you need to cancel, find any excuse, you already know this will not end well. So sorry you have to deal with this on top of crap parents in the first place. I know exactly how you feel.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Fri 12-Apr-19 01:21:17

Unless someone has had the experience of narc parents or a partner then it is very hard to understand. They just can not understand that a parent wouldn't want the best for their child.

This was the case with my DH as his DF was always loving and supportive. He honestly didn't realise that mine wasn't!

20 years on, he's witnessed the behaviour and totally gets it. But, he did actually have to see/hear it to really understand.

Given that you've had the strength to move away and support your DH through a terrible illness, I think you probably could deal with this week and it could be an eye-opener for your DH - but if it's too much right now, cancel.

PregnantSea Fri 12-Apr-19 01:42:32

I would be fuming. At your DH though, not your parents - it's not their fault if they think they are invited. This is entirely your DH's doing. Direct your frustration at him.

llangennith Fri 12-Apr-19 02:39:24

I went through the cancer/chemo/glad I'm not dying thing 20 years ago so I get that he wants to make the world fabulous etc but you are definitely NBU to be furious at this.
Tell him straight exactly how you feel. He has no right to interfere in your relationship with your parents and he has overstepped the mark. You will be absent from the family home for the duration of their visit.

Decormad38 Fri 12-Apr-19 02:47:22

Book a holiday and leave him to it!

EKGEMS Fri 12-Apr-19 03:06:30

I battled through breast cancer but a week with my dysfunctional family (or my MIL) would make me wonder if life was worth living

JamPasty Fri 12-Apr-19 08:21:07

Of course you can't face the thought of calling them - they are abusive to you! It's totally normal to not want to speak to people who abuse you! DH has totally and utterly overstepped the bounds - even if you loved your parents it would still be bloody weird and presumptuous for him to invite them to stay without consulting you. You do not have to tell him more about your history then you feel comfortable with. If you say to him "this cannot happen; I cannot cope with seeing them" then he should respect that and fix the mess he has created. If he doesn't then you tell him you will be away that week. The bottom line OP, for you to hang onto, is that you do not have to see them. The conversations getting to that may be difficult, but you do not have to see them. Hugs

TheSerenDipitY Fri 12-Apr-19 08:37:29

just tell him you hope they and him have a great week together and tell him you will miss him as you will be staying elsewhere until they leave
and if he objects remind him they were "bad" parents and you will not be forced into seeing them before you are ready and as he is trying to force this by taking the decision out of your hands that hes on thin ice with you also
and then do make arrangements to stay elsewhere for that weeks so he knows you are serious

VeganCow Fri 12-Apr-19 09:01:53

I would not contact them. But I would show DH this thread. He will then understand and he can email them and tell them plans have changed. He should then offer to send them the money for their flights.

Megs4x3 Fri 12-Apr-19 09:11:47

I feel for DH here. He’s overstepped a boundary he doesn’t know exists.

I had a similar situation. My DH kept making excuses for one of my abusive relatives until I had a complete meltdown one day and filled him in with more detail than ever before. Since then he has completely understood and had my back. You need to get to that point with him, even if you get the help of your counsellor-I’m not recommending a meltdown.

The invitation can and must be rescinded. You cannot have your home tainted by abusice people.

CharityConundrum Fri 12-Apr-19 09:21:16

And if you have never told him, it's not his fault that he doesn't know. If he is otherwise lovely, please try not to hold it against him: his thought process here almost certainly comes from a good place ('family rows are silly, life is short, I'll help my wife make it up with her family') and if it had been a matter of falling out over a silly row, he would have been right.

No he wouldn't! It's not up to him to force a surprise reconciliation on his wife, whatever the reasons. Even if he thought the reasons the OP is LC are 'silly', it's still breathtakingly arrogant to dismiss her emotions and trample over them without a second thought in the name of his personal quest to be the 'fixer'.

diddl Fri 12-Apr-19 09:32:31

Why can't your husband cancel the arrangements/tell them that you won't see them?

He made this ess-he needs to sort it out!

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